Is it okay to hang out with guy friends when my boyfriend is a homebody/couch potato?

[RikRak]

My boyfriend is not active or outdoorsy. Is it okay to go running/hiking/surfing/kayaking with my guy friends?

 

I'm an active and competitive girl, so I think it would be fun to go out with my guy friends from work (who are all in the Navy, physically fit, and adventurous). Unlike my ex-Navy boyfriend and most of my girl friends, my guy friends enjoy running, hiking, surfing, kayaking, etc. as much if not more than I do.

 

My boyfriend is thin but he can't run very fast or very far. He's usually too hot to go for a hike, or the water is too cold for him to surf in. (He has an awesome surfboard he never uses). He also doesn't like to get up early enough on weekends, and tends to cancel on me because of laziness. Since outdoor and water sports don't seem to be working for me and my boyfriend, shouldn't I be allowed to hang out with other friends who share my interests? Should I feel obligated to always invite my boyfriend even though I know I would have more fun or get a better workout without him around?

 

My boyfriend is a great guy and we get along fine with laid-back activities (watching TV, seeing a movie, eating out, drinking at a bar), but he would rather lift weights at his apartment than go outside to "play". And when he does go outside, he wants to read a book or listen to his headphones. I asked him if it would bother him if I hung out with other guys, but there was a long pause before he answered me, "Nah. Not a problem." Do you think I'm wrong to want to do my own thing?

[USMCHokie]

My boyfriend is a great guy and we get along fine with laid-back activities (watching TV, seeing a movie, eating out, drinking at a bar), but he would rather lift weights at his apartment than go outside to "play". And when he does go outside, he wants to read a book or listen to his headphones. I asked him if it would bother him if I hung out with other guys, but there was a long pause before he answered me, "Nah. Not a problem." Do you think I'm wrong to want to do my own thing?

 

This is hardly a strong basis for a lasting relationship. You need to LAUNCH. Find someone you actually enjoy living your life with. Eventually this issue will grow into resentment towards him, or worse, you'll find temptation with the guys you spend more and more time with.

[MrCastle]

Buy a Wii. You both win.

[MrCastle]

Alright now for the serious answer--it seems as if your lifestyles are too different to mesh?

 

Even if you do go out with guy friends and have fun, it will only drive a wedge between you and your bf.

 

You have to come to some sort of compromise where one weekend you guys do what you want, and next weekend it's his turn, etc. If that doesn't work, you may have to cut ties.

[USMCHokie]

You have to come to some sort of compromise where one weekend you guys do what you want, and next weekend it's his turn, etc.

 

I'd bet the farm that each weekend they do what she wants, he's just going to sit around idly in the general vicinity of where she's doing her activity...that is, if he even leaves the house...

 

If that doesn't work, you may have to cut ties.

 

This is the winning course of action...

[RikRak]

Hello there! Thank you for commenting. I am 26 and my boyfriend is 31. We've been together for 2 1/2 months, which is not long, but we have many interests in common and can talk a lot and laugh a lot together. We share many of the same beliefs and values. We also like to read books and watch movies, and we listen to the same types of music. We also dance together, which he says he never liked to do before. I think my boyfriend tries to run with me because going for a run is sometimes his idea. He also invites me to work out with him at his apartment or at the gym, but I don't like the type of workouts he does (weights, resistance bands, and pull-ups).

 

I don't believe my boyfriend is depressed - he doesn't have any of the symptoms - but he just really likes to relax and do practically nothing (although he cooks often and keeps his apartment very clean) when he's not at work or school (he decided to go back to college after 11 years in the Navy). He told me that getting out of the Navy has made him want to relax more and to have more stability in his life (stable job/apartment/girlfriend/family). He says he's tired of traveling and moving around, even in the same state.

 

I think you're right about my boyfriend not wanting to appear controlling, but he told me himself he would prefer a girlfriend who wasn't too clingy or needy and had her own group of friends and her own interests. He said he didn't think it was healthy or preferable to spend every waking moment together because the relationship will just get dull.

[MrCastle]

I'd bet the farm that each weekend they do what she wants, he's just going to sit around idly in the general vicinity of where she's doing her activity...that is, if he even leaves the house...[/Quote]

 

It's possible, but it's still something to try before you end it all. If they really do care for each other, they can at least try to make compromises and sacrifices, if not

 

This is the winning course of action...

 

Then yes.

[USMCHokie]

Hello there! Thank you for commenting. I am 26 and my boyfriend is 31. We've been together for 2 1/2 months, which is not long, but we have many interests in common and can talk a lot and laugh a lot together. We share many of the same beliefs and values. We also like to read books and watch movies, and we listen to the same types of music. We also dance together, which he says he never liked to do before. I think my boyfriend tries to run with me because going for a run is sometimes his idea. He also invites me to work out with him at his apartment or at the gym, but I don't like the type of workouts he does (weights, resistance bands, and pull-ups).

 

I don't believe my boyfriend is depressed - he doesn't have any of the symptoms - but he just really likes to relax and do practically nothing (although he cooks often and keeps his apartment very clean) when he's not at work or school (he decided to go back to college after 11 years in the Navy). He told me that getting out of the Navy has made him want to relax more and to have more stability in his life (stable job/apartment/girlfriend/family). He says he's tired of traveling and moving around, even in the same state.

 

Hmmm...this sounds a lot different from the picture you painted in the first post...

 

The bolded above is very important...and there are two reasonable courses of action to take here...the first being my preferred one: LAUNCH. You've only been dating for a little while, and you've already identified a fundamental incompatibility which can be enough to part ways. The second is to gradually intertwine your lives together. Incorporate him into some of the activities you enjoy and open that world of yours to him. Maybe he'll find something new he'll be interested in. At the same time, try to incorporate yourself into some of the activities he enjoys. Hell, go lift weights once in a while.

 

I think you're right about my boyfriend not wanting to appear controlling, but he told me himself he would prefer a girlfriend who wasn't too clingy or needy and had her own group of friends and her own interests. He said he didn't think it was healthy or preferable to spend every waking moment together because the relationship will just get dull.

 

I can understand this mentality early on in a relationship while you're still getting to know each other and don't want to get too invested too soon, but I think constantly using it as an excuse to get out of doing things with you and your friends is bullsh*t. If he doesn't want to be part of your life, or at least make an effort to be part of something in your life, then he shouldn't be in your life at all.

[RikRak]

USMCHokie:

 

I do enjoy spending time with him, but I have trouble maintaining my weight and I can't just hang around the house and eat a lot - even though I like to lay around sometimes and love all kinds of food - but I think we disagree when it comes to the type and amount of exercise. I like activities where I don't feel like I'm actually working out. With friends around, I notice the workout even less.

 

I feel like so far we've taken turns choosing activities to do together, but that he enjoys my activities far less than I enjoy his. I've gone to comedy shows and watched UFC with him, and gone out with him and his friends. He's gone running and to the beach with me, but didn't last long. But I don't think I should judge a guy on his athletic ability or the types of workouts he prefers.

[USMCHokie]

USMCHokie:

 

I do enjoy spending time with him, but I have trouble maintaining my weight and I can't just hang around the house and eat a lot - even though I like to lay around sometimes and love all kinds of food - but I think we disagree when it comes to the type and amount of exercise. I like activities where I don't feel like I'm actually working out. With friends around, I notice the workout even less.

 

And I have a feeling this isn't even about weight maintenance or fitness. It sounded from your previous posts that you just plain enjoy those outdoor activities. And it's clearly more than just a fitness activity for you, but also a social activity. Otherwise, you wouldn't need to do it with your male friends. You could do all of those things (running/hiking/surfing/kayaking) by yourself.

 

I feel like so far we've taken turns choosing activities to do together, but that he enjoys my activities far less than I enjoy his. I've gone to comedy shows and watched UFC with him, and gone out with him and his friends. He's gone running and to the beach with me, but didn't last long. But I don't think I should judge a guy on his athletic ability or the types of workouts he prefers.

 

This isn't about his athletic ability or his preferred workouts. It's about his (and possibly your) approach to the relationship. Relationships shouldn't be based on a bartering system... You shouldn't feel like you have to make trades on things you're going to do, e.g., "I'll go lift weights if you go hiking with me." Soon that'll turn into "I'll only have sex with you if you cut the grass." And so on.

 

Seriously, f*ck that.

[RikRak]

MrCastle:

 

We've tried taking turns deciding on activities, like I've told USMCHokie above, but I still feel like he forces himself or feels obligated to go along with my plans. I truly enjoy myself at his events and have even tried lifting weights with him, but I feel bad when he doesn't seem to enjoy the things I like to do.

 

Most of the time, I feel like I'm the one who does most of the inviting and planning - he even admitted I'm more "exciting" than him - and he only recently started to invite me out more after I told him I was thinking of going to exercise with my guy friends. He tends to assume we will be spending every weekend together, but never talks about or makes any plans. He seems perfectly happy with me just hanging out at his place on the couch.

[USMCHokie]

Most of the time, I feel like I'm the one who does most of the inviting and planning - he even admitted I'm more "exciting" than him - and he only recently started to invite me out more after I told him I was thinking of going to exercise with my guy friends. He tends to assume we will be spending every weekend together, but never talks about or makes any plans. He seems perfectly happy with me just hanging out at his place on the couch.

 

Parasite...

[RikRak]

And I have a feeling this isn't even about weight maintenance or fitness. It sounded from your previous posts that you just plain enjoy those outdoor activities. And it's clearly more than just a fitness activity for you, but also a social activity. Otherwise, you wouldn't need to do it with your male friends. You could do all of those things (running/hiking/surfing/kayaking) by yourself.

 

 

 

This isn't about his athletic ability or his preferred workouts. It's about his (and possibly your) approach to the relationship. Relationships shouldn't be based on a bartering system... You shouldn't feel like you have to make trades on things you're going to do, e.g., "I'll go lift weights if you go hiking with me." Soon that'll turn into "I'll only have sex with you if you cut the grass." And so on.

 

Seriously, f*ck that.

And I have a feeling this isn't even about weight maintenance or fitness. It sounded from your previous posts that you just plain enjoy those outdoor activities. And it's clearly more than just a fitness activity for you, but also a social activity. Otherwise, you wouldn't need to do it with your male friends. You could do all of those things (running/hiking/surfing/kayaking) by yourself.

 

Yes, I enjoy the activities and like to socialize while doing so. But I do consider safety in numbers and it's been very hard to find friends - especially girl friends - who don't mind heat, dirt, sun, and getting their hair wet. I technically could do all the activities by myself, but I hear all the time about people getting hurt or disappearing while they ran, hiked, or surfed by themselves. Most of my friends are very overweight and just like to eat out, drink alcohol, or go clubbing. My boyfriend would otherwise be welcome to come join me in these outdoor activities, but I told him to be honest with me and only go if he really wants to. I don't want him to go and then act lazy, antisocial, or like a killjoy. I don't want to control him just like I don't want him controlling me.

[RikRak]

Parasite...

What and who do you mean?

[Ninjainpajamas]

It just sounds like you're at different stages in your lives.

 

He's already done a lot of the outdoorsy, extra-curricular activities that kept him active in his life...now he's feeling like being a home-body while still maintaining some kind of physical activity, but his priorities seem different than yours.

 

For him he's just a bit older, but old enough to be looking towards different things in his life. You're about the right age of booty for him to settle down with that suits him in this stage of his life, you're younger, more active which means you're less likely to chunk on the pounds and he doesn't have to meet the demands of a woman that would be closer to his age and looking to get serious...you're still "having fun" and seeing where things go, so there's less pressure for him...and he even thought about it when you asked If you could hang out with guy friends, he's thinking to himself...hmm, how much do I care? would I rather have her home with me or out doing stuff staying in shape and getting her fill on these activities without me having to make any effort?...sure she might end up interested in one of these guys but....ah well, who cares go for it...it's only been two months I've been with this girl, plus i can replace her so I don't have to put too much effort into keeping her happy/satisfied.

 

You should push more for him to meet you in the middle instead of lazying around, If he doesn't want to do it don't just settle into his lifestyle, trust me it won't be worth it to make him "happy". He's with you for a reason, and he has the upper hand of experience so you're going to have to rattle the cage a bit to see If he's truly interested and invested in this relationship, which I get the vibe he hardly is and would be willing to let you go if things became too difficult and you didn't conform to his lifestyle or ways...especially since he doesn't care you hanging around other guys, he made the decision that you were expendable even though he may come off as just a confident guy, from this dynamic and situation with everything you described, it doesn't sound like confidence to me...he's likely better off dating an older woman anyway to be honest with you, just seems like they'll be a lot of clashing and not so eye to eye moments in this relationship is what I would expect.

 

Two months together says nothing, how he acts and responds in it does, he would be more interested and willing to expend much more effort if he wanted more for the long-term out of this. Right now it's all about him and his life, he's prioritizing himself...you're just someone for booty, company and to add to his life right now from his posture in this relationship.

[USMCHokie]

What and who do you mean?

 

He is the parasite that is becoming a drag on your life. Would you be happy living your life as he lives his?