lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 (edited) long story short, my ex has lost all trust in me because i was texting him for about 5 weeks pretending to be someone else to see if he would cheat. as much as i hate to admit it, i've had my texting spree with "i love you, forgive me" and all the rest of it. each time he has texted back saying he needs time to get his head around what's happened. he has said he can be friends with me for now before continuing any sort of relationship a close friend has contacted him on facebook - not my for benefit - and he told her there's possibly a chance it's over for good. so i sent him a 5 page text, saying what i've said before but asking in time for him to see if there's a way we can work it out. he replied, main thing in relationships is trust and at present i have none. so i said "tell me what i can do to win it back" and he said, nothing you can do. so i said, what ever? and he simply replied; idk. not looking good. then a few texts on (as i asked him about 12pm yesterday if being friends is his way of softening the blow to me or is it to try and build a relationship and he said the 2nd.though i've been told it's a mans way of softening the blow but surely he wouldn't lie?) so then i said how can you go from what you said earlier to saying it's not looking good. he replies; i've never said it looks really good, my heads a mess. i have no idea n that i hope in time something happened, in time as many months away. so i reply; so you do hope in time that we could maybe give it another go? he replies; yes. but that is not me saying it will happen i know texts drive him away but today is day 2 of NC, as we broke up on saturday and i didn't contact him on monday at all but i've caved. please, from an outsiders point of view have i lost him completely? before anyone makes a point of "take him out for yourself blah blah blah" i already am. i am in counselling and i have a few days lined up with my girls, i'm in work 24/7 as i'm hoping for a promotion so i do have bigger things going on in my head than him but i love him, i want to rekindle our relationship. his trust for me is broken and i understand that, but surely it can be repaired right? on saturday we'll have been together 13 months, he's my longest relationship i can't just pack it in. does it look like i've lost him for good? Edited August 15, 2012 by lingardx
Bazamu Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Why would he talk to this person you were pretending to be forn5 weeks? That's a hella long time
Author lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 Why would he talk to this person you were pretending to be forn5 weeks? That's a hella long time why would he talk to me or one of my friends?
Bazamu Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 long story short, my ex has lost all trust in me because i was texting him for about 5 weeks pretending to be someone else to see if he would cheat. What would you talk to him about
Author lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 What made you not trust him? the fact i've been hurt badly in past relationships, which i know sounds feeble but it's true. it's the only reason/excuse that i have
Author lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 What would you talk to him about normal friendly stuff. but then he got suspicions because he'd only get a text when he wasn't in the room or wasn't around. so he went through my stuff about 2/3 week ago and found the phone. he then upped the conversation turning it flirty to see if i'd ask him wtf he was doing.
Bazamu Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Building your relationship off trust is a very big ingredient, if not the main ingredient. I'm not a doc or psych, but seems like you haven't healed from your previous pains you had in the past. I would know because I threw my ex gf under the bus because I had huge trust issues. Thought that the would have went away after being single for 7 months
Author lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 Building your relationship off trust is a very big ingredient, if not the main ingredient. I'm not a doc or psych, but seems like you haven't healed from your previous pains you had in the past. I would know because I threw my ex gf under the bus because I had huge trust issues. Thought that the would have went away after being single for 7 months :/ but from reading my post does it seem like there could be a chance for us? and as for the trust issues. i am getting help with them
Author lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 just want to know if by my post/our texts it looks like i've lost him for good or if i go NC will he come back? i need an outsiders point of view. i've made a huge mistake which i regret. i am repenting. though i cannot undo what i've done, i am in counselling to try and amend my behaviour. even if me and this guy did get back together i know there would be no quick fix for getting his trust back, i'm merely asking from the above do you see it happening? he wants to be 'friends' atm so surely that's a good sign right?
Bazamu Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I honestly think jumping back in with someone will end up the same boat you got out of. Take a break from yourself. You shouldn't be desperate. Fends people away. I used to do it all the time. It's basically a quick fix and then LEDs back down the same hole.
Bazamu Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Being friends with someone will just hurt you more. Being friends is an easier way out. Eventually he will be with a girl in front of you if you were to be his friend and I bet that **** would not be okay with you. Take time off. You can't heal in only a couple days or hell even a couple months.
Author lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 Being friends with someone will just hurt you more. Being friends is an easier way out. Eventually he will be with a girl in front of you if you were to be his friend and I bet that **** would not be okay with you. Take time off. You can't heal in only a couple days or hell even a couple months. so you're saying he lied to me about wanting to be friends so that we could build a relationship up? and that he's saying be friends as a way of making it easier to move on?
Author lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 13 months is a long time for a relationship. Why do this now ? I would tend to think that stuff like this would be done early on in the relationship because I have had it done to me. It is good you are in therapy. You need to work on you. Trust is a big facet of any relationship. Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him or are you just relying on what has happened to you in past relationships ? You might have lost him for good. Try asking if he will go to a therapy session with you. But don't be a pest, if he wants space, give it to him, as hard as that might be. i have no reasons/excuses for what i have done. he has never given me any reasons not to trust him. and as ironic as it is it's only now that i know in my heart of hearts he'd never cheat. i've already asked ha, he simply said "i do not need someone to tell me what i should do." and then he said "help is not what i need. time is what i need at the very least" surely i can't have lost him for good?
Bazamu Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Don't dwell on this too hard. Sucks to not, but it will just tear you apart.
Author lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 Your not going to get a definitive answer on here. We dont know him you do. Challenging a guys integrity is a kick in the balls. He is right, 13 months of a relationship and you dont trust him especially if he has been loyal and faithful to you. If time is what he needs, time is what you will have to give him. The more you try and involve yourself and beg and plead your going to push him away trust me. You may have lost him for good or he may be sympathetic that you have been hurt in the past and what you did was an immature knee jerk reaction caused by your insecurity issues. Have you ever cheated on him ? yeah i know, just wanted an outsiders point of view. everyone keeps telling me 'if he loves you enough then he may come back' so idk. no i haven't, would never cheat on anybody.
Bazamu Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 The only thing that will heal this is time and patience. There are only two possible outcomes: A) he forgives you B) he breaks ups with you You need to get in the mindset of hope for the best and expect the worst. I 100% agree to that one
Author lingardx Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 I 100% agree to that one my friend said to him "trust is like a mirror you CAN fix it if it's broken" my ex/bf replied "not this mirror. and deffo not within the next weeks" to me the above statement is my ex saying on one hand he doesn't want to but on the other hand he could in time, what about you? what do you think?
Car10e Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 my friend said to him "trust is like a mirror you CAN fix it if it's broken" my ex/bf replied "not this mirror. and deffo not within the next weeks" to me the above statement is my ex saying on one hand he doesn't want to but on the other hand he could in time, what about you? what do you think? My ex bf tells our friends, "I still love her, but we're not right for each other at the moment." To me it sounds like he is keeping the door open with me still, and it sounds like your ex is doing the same. Of course, they say it now, who knows how they are going to feel in a couple months.
Author lingardx Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 My ex bf tells our friends, "I still love her, but we're not right for each other at the moment." To me it sounds like he is keeping the door open with me still, and it sounds like your ex is doing the same. Of course, they say it now, who knows how they are going to feel in a couple months. what do you mean keep the door open? like using you/me?
confusedx10 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 love sucks. you have no idea which way it is going to go and it can change in a second. i have learned that you have to live life with no regrets and hold on to love when you have it. i got jealous of my ex and he always calmed me down. he said he wouldn't cheat. sometimes you just have to trust him and your gut. it is hard to trust people and it takes time. keep seeing the therapist alone and try to figure out the root of your trust issues. if they come from a past relationship, make sure you are completely over him. figure out what YOU want. Your ex needs time to think. DO NOT text him. I made the mistake of texting my ex during the time he needed space and it pushed him away even more. it sucks and its so hard. some days will be easier than others. in time you will realize you love this guy or maybe you don't. only time can heal this and say NC. Love and life are complicated. talk to your friends when you want to talk to him. I cannot stress enough how bad it would be to talk to him while he needs space. He is thinking about you so just trust him. Here is where you have to trust him and love him. If it was meant to be, he will come back and if not then someone else is out there. 1
Author lingardx Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 love sucks. you have no idea which way it is going to go and it can change in a second. i have learned that you have to live life with no regrets and hold on to love when you have it. i got jealous of my ex and he always calmed me down. he said he wouldn't cheat. sometimes you just have to trust him and your gut. it is hard to trust people and it takes time. keep seeing the therapist alone and try to figure out the root of your trust issues. if they come from a past relationship, make sure you are completely over him. figure out what YOU want. Your ex needs time to think. DO NOT text him. I made the mistake of texting my ex during the time he needed space and it pushed him away even more. it sucks and its so hard. some days will be easier than others. in time you will realize you love this guy or maybe you don't. only time can heal this and say NC. Love and life are complicated. talk to your friends when you want to talk to him. I cannot stress enough how bad it would be to talk to him while he needs space. He is thinking about you so just trust him. Here is where you have to trust him and love him. If it was meant to be, he will come back and if not then someone else is out there. my ex has actually texted me, and going by his posts on facebook i assume he misses me
Car10e Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 what do you mean keep the door open? like using you/me? He wants to be in a position to come back to you later on if he wants to.
Recommended Posts