Met Someone

[denise_xo]

Johan, great to hear things are going well with you. Just wanted to add a few words on the ring on the finger strand of the thread: As someone who got married pretty quickly based on a range of practical issues, I really wouldn't recommend that. It's hardly ever 'just a legal agreement', as those things tend to take a bit of a life of their own - unless you manage to make it extremely explicit that it really is only a legal agreement, but I think that's a very difficult thing to do for two people who are really in love. I have several friends as well who have also married for practical reasons and I understand that sometimes it feels like one doesn't have a choice - but I just wanted to flag that rushing into that decision can backfire later. Thread a bit carefully.

 

Apart from that, enjoy

[Forever Learning]

I call first dibs on being the flower girl at the wedding. If that is entirely out of the question then I call being ringleader of the rice throwers.

[Pyro]

I call first dibs on being the flower girl at the wedding. If that is entirely out of the question then I call being ringleader of the rice throwers.

 

Only if Art is in charge of the bachelor party and is the best man.

[Forever Learning]

Only if Art is in charge of the bachelor party and is the best man.

 

Consider it a struck deal, hingeing on you being maid of honor, since Pyro is gay.

 

 

The rice throwing will be something along these lines, but I plan to use a suitably larger amount of rice and invoke a decent amount of enthusiasm in the throwing as well. Think arctic blizzard of white grainy well wishes. It's good luck and all. Except for contact wearers.

 

[Art_Critic]

Only if Art is in charge of the bachelor party and is the best man.

 

I can also be the designated driver ..

[Forever Learning]

I can also be the designated driver ..

 

Better you than Hokie. We all know what a lush he's become since his NY trip to the Australian bars. I wonder if Johan will have many Aussies on the guest list. They can get quite rowdy I hear. They would be perfect for my rice throwing swat team I am assembling.

[Pyro]

Consider it a struck deal, hingeing on you being maid of honor, since Pyro is gay.

 

 

The rice throwing will be something along these lines, but I plan to use a suitably larger amount of rice and invoke a decent amount of enthusiasm in the throwing as well. Think arctic blizzard of white grainy well wishes. It's good luck and all. Except for contact wearers.

 

 

No, Cerridwen is gay:mad:

 

The job is yours.

 

I can also be the designated driver ..

 

That you can. I just wanted to make sure that is was a done deal, being you and Johan are best chums.

[Forever Learning]

No, Cerridwen is gay:mad:

 

The job is yours.

 

You misread, your dyslexia is acting up as usual. I'll be too busy as flower girl with petals and rice Tsunamis. Let's let the bearded gay girl pull her weight for once, she'll make a dandy Maid of Honor. If she doesn't run off with the bride before the ball and chain are in place.

[Art_Critic]

being you and Johan are best chums.

 

... yeah.. well I love the guy... what can I say...

[Pyro]

You misread, your dyslexia is acting up as usual. I'll be too busy as flower girl with petals and rice Tsunamis. Let's let the bearded gay girl pull her weight for once, she'll make a dandy Maid of Honor. If she doesn't run off with the bride before the ball and chain are in place.

 

The job meaning the rice thrower.

 

Work on your dyslexia

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes you really do know right away when you've met a keeper.

 

You do...I'm enjoying reading your thread Johan and mostly enjoy reading your posts on it.

[Forever Learning]

You do...I'm enjoying reading your thread Johan and mostly enjoy reading your posts on it.

 

Me too, Johan. Temporary silliness there from me, sorry. Sometimes it's hard to contain. Back to the regularly scheduled programming, this is the Johan Show, starring Johan and his heart on his sleeve. I dig it.

[threebyfate]

She seems ok. I'm not sure she understood that she should expect better. She might have self-esteem issues that keep her from demanding the treatment she should expect. But on the other hand, she did dump them. And she resents them. And she seems to really value the treatment she gets from me. As if she knew it was possible, but never thought it would actually happen to her. European guys can be so chauvinistic

Just bear in mind that someone who's unable to communicate issues, can and will act out in either passive-aggressive ways or will do what she's done with these guys and dump, once unexpressed resentments build too high.

 

The other aspect is depending on how badly she's been treated, if it's been abusive in many or most relationships, unless she can dig herself out of the abusive cycle, she can potentially agitate for it with you on a subconscious level and walk if you're not producing.

 

I'm honestly cheering for you j, as long as what she has to offer, is what you need and want. But I can't help be honest when I see yellow or red flags on either side, whether you or your SO. Now if you'd rather not hear about these flags, that's understandable too. Just let me know.

 

*fingers crossed for you*

[Trimmer]

I'd like to see you happy and in love and posting less on LS.

The ultimate well-wish from a fellow LS poster.

[johan]

Just bear in mind that someone who's unable to communicate issues, can and will act out in either passive-aggressive ways or will do what she's done with these guys and dump, once unexpressed resentments build too high.

 

The other aspect is depending on how badly she's been treated, if it's been abusive in many or most relationships, unless she can dig herself out of the abusive cycle, she can potentially agitate for it with you on a subconscious level and walk if you're not producing.

 

I'm honestly cheering for you j, as long as what she has to offer, is what you need and want. But I can't help be honest when I see yellow or red flags on either side, whether you or your SO. Now if you'd rather not hear about these flags, that's understandable too. Just let me know.

 

I know you don't see any flags on me. But I know what you mean. You're right, of course, about her past and what it might mean. But who are you going to find in life that doesn't occasionally pull some kind of crap? Everyone has an issue or two. She doesn't like conflict. Maybe she'll prove to be passive aggressive. Big deal. She's in for a surprise or two herself. I hate cleaning the kitchen, for instance.

 

What kind of hurdles did you make your guy jump over before he set you straight?

 

She was never abused like you might be thinking. She was just discounted and made to feel unimportant. And that shocks me because she's the last person you would ever want to be mean to. But she also got out of those relationships. She seems strong.

 

We'll see though.

 

*fingers crossed for you*

 

I don't believe you, TBF. How did you type all that without making any mistakes, if your fingers were crossed?

[johan]

J, I am envious of attention girls give you, because of....yah, but I really hope your lonely ass gets the hook in this one and sinks her...lol.... I mean it, bro....I think we are the same age and I know what that lonely **** feels like...sucks.... can't hurt to try...at least you try.

 

Serious, man...no troll.

 

I'd like to see you happy and in love and posting less on LS.

 

Eric, thanks. We'll see about me, but it's your turn. Or maybe Somedude, then you.

[Forever Learning]

But who are you going to find in life that doesn't occasionally pull some kind of crap? Everyone has an issue or two.

 

That's the spirit!! Love it. Great mindset. Positive thinking, very good stuff. Well done.

[threebyfate]

I know you don't see any flags on me.

Oh never.

 

But I know what you mean. You're right, of course, about her past and what it might mean.

Optimum word. Not necessarily.

 

But who are you going to find in life that doesn't occasionally pull some kind of crap? Everyone has an issue or two. She doesn't like conflict. Maybe she'll prove to be passive aggressive. Big deal. She's in for a surprise or two herself. I hate cleaning the kitchen, for instance.

If you're comfortable with these possibilities then it's your life. We're different people who will have different needs and dealbreakers.

 

What kind of hurdles did you make your guy jump over before he set you straight?

Fascinating turn of phrase. Hurdles? Nope. But he was consistent so my alarms didn't go off.

 

She was never abused like you might be thinking. She was just discounted and made to feel unimportant. And that shocks me because she's the last person you would ever want to be mean to. But she also got out of those relationships. She seems strong.

 

We'll see though.

Good to hear that she wasn't abused. This would have been a more detrimental dynamic.

 

I don't believe you, TBF. How did you type all that without making any mistakes, if your fingers were crossed?

I'm a woman with many talents!

 

As long as these potential issues have occurred to you and they're not of import, then forward you go.

[Emilia]

She seems ok. I'm not sure she understood that she should expect better. She might have self-esteem issues that keep her from demanding the treatment she should expect. But on the other hand, she did dump them. And she resents them. And she seems to really value the treatment she gets from me. As if she knew it was possible, but never thought it would actually happen to her. European guys can be so chauvinistic.

 

I think you mentioned North Eastern Europe as her location, in Eastern Europe in general there is a larger underclass (or smaller middle class, depending on which way you look at it) than in Western Europe, you can't really weigh Eastern European and Western European men the same way. It is true that it's harder to find good men potentially in Eastern Europe although that's changing as we are getting Westernised.

 

I don't know how old she is or how many serious relationships she has had so far but I put up with c**p in my 20s that I wouldn't do now. Parts of my marriage weren't ideal to say the least and I would not allow things to develop that far ever again but then I'm much more confident and independent than I used to be.

 

Just one perspective.

[Frogwife]

Johan, great to hear things are going well with you. Just wanted to add a few words on the ring on the finger strand of the thread: As someone who got married pretty quickly based on a range of practical issues, I really wouldn't recommend that. It's hardly ever 'just a legal agreement', as those things tend to take a bit of a life of their own - unless you manage to make it extremely explicit that it really is only a legal agreement, but I think that's a very difficult thing to do for two people who are really in love. I have several friends as well who have also married for practical reasons and I understand that sometimes it feels like one doesn't have a choice - but I just wanted to flag that rushing into that decision can backfire later. Thread a bit carefully.

 

Apart from that, enjoy

 

I will second this... I married a French guy and moved to France very quickly because we had the visa/distance issues. Our marriage didn't work out (we were married five years ago and are in the process of divorcing) and while I don't regret it (life is all about taking risks - some work, some don't), it does add an extra layer of complication that "normal", non-fast marriage/instant expat relationships don't have.

 

First and foremost, we didn't know each other very well and didn't have a typical courtship/dating period - it was a couple "honeymoon"-type visits to each other and phone/email contact in-between and -boom- we were married.

 

Secondly, relocating to be with someone(the "trailing spouse") is VERY, VERY hard - I was going to comment this on the thread where the woman wanted to move from Arizona to Philadelphia (I think?) because her boyfriend got a new job. I was in my late 30s when I moved to France and was leaving behind a lifetime of friends, family, routines, connections, in a new country where I didn't speak the language.

 

I had to start 100% from scratch and that put a HUGE strain on our marriage in the beginning because I was quite lonely/depressed/stressed/overwhelmed and my husband wasn't terribly supportive (of course, I didn't know this because I didn't know him as well as I should have before we married...). I had lived abroad before, but underestimated how hard this would be.

 

Anyway, my point is not to discourage you (and I know you're just a couple of weeks into this) but these are things to think about if you do move forward in the future.

[denise_xo]

 

First and foremost, we didn't know each other very well and didn't have a typical courtship/dating period - it was a couple "honeymoon"-type visits to each other and phone/email contact in-between and -boom- we were married.

 

Secondly, relocating to be with someone(the "trailing spouse") is VERY, VERY hard - I was going to comment this on the thread where the woman wanted to move from Arizona to Philadelphia (I think?) because her boyfriend got a new job. I was in my late 30s when I moved to France and was leaving behind a lifetime of friends, family, routines, connections, in a new country where I didn't speak the language.

 

I had to start 100% from scratch and that put a HUGE strain on our marriage in the beginning because I was quite lonely/depressed/stressed/overwhelmed and my husband wasn't terribly supportive (of course, I didn't know this because I didn't know him as well as I should have before we married...). I had lived abroad before, but underestimated how hard this would be.

 

Anyway, my point is not to discourage you (and I know you're just a couple of weeks into this) but these are things to think about if you do move forward in the future.

 

Yep, the bold are extremely common - I've observed those dynamics play themselves out in so many relationship. Not intended as discouragement, but something to be aware of, definitely. On the second bold, I'll just add that it can be quite hard being the spouse who is the 'local' as well.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Eric, thanks. We'll see about me, but it's your turn. Or maybe Somedude, then you.

 

No, it's my turn damn it

[january2011]

In my opinion, things are rarely ever ideal.

 

However, if you both want it to work and are willing to put in the effort, I don't see why you can't aim for happiness for as long as you are together - whether it's for a lifetime or not.

 

As much as identifying and acknowledging the downsides can be a sensible and pragmatic thing to do, you're still going to have to take some risk and make a leap of faith with the hope that things will work out, one way or another. Otherwise, you would never talk to another woman again, much less enter a serious relationship with one who lives thousands of miles away.

 

God, the universe, etc. has provided you with this opportunity for happiness, I say go with it and stop letting your overanalysis/past/insecurities hold you back from something wonderful.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but I often wonder what man or human can measure up to TBF's standards....

[Emilia]

I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but I often wonder what man or human can measure up to TBF's standards....

 

Yes me too