Met Someone

[threebyfate]

Your perception is off, whether it has to do with you, your SO or your dynamics. Relax. Let it happen.

 

If she doesn't like who you are, she wouldn't be with you since you've been natural with her so far. What concerns me is that you're apt to withdraw on her for reasons of self-protection which will cause the equal and opposite reaction from her.

 

No negative thinking unless something untoward happens or you'll negative think your way out, assuming things that aren't real. Don't make me have to cyber slap you up the backside of your head.

[amaysngrace]

Listen to TBF johan. Don't sabotage this. Just be yourself.

 

I can't speak for others here but I'm always looking to see what you post on the OTT and random replies around here. You're a very interesting guy with a great sense of humor plus you seem to be very well grounded.

 

Any girl would be lucky to know you. Please remember that.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am partly following this thread for somewhat selfish reasons. I have a lot of the same fears as johan.

 

How scary it is to put yourself out there and possibility of getting hurt. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thinking that the other person may reject you when they see you for who you really are, the good with the bad.

 

Some great advice in this thread.

[johan]

Don't make me have to cyber slap you up the backside of your head.

 

That's the last thing I need.

 

Listen to TBF johan. Don't sabotage this. Just be yourself.

 

I can't speak for others here but I'm always looking to see what you post on the OTT and random replies around here. You're a very interesting guy with a great sense of humor plus you seem to be very well grounded.

 

Any girl would be lucky to know you. Please remember that.

 

Thanks, AG. Nice of tou to say.

 

I am partly following this thread for somewhat selfish reasons. I have a lot of the same fears as johan.

 

How scary it is to put yourself out there and possibility of getting hurt. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thinking that the other person may reject you when they see you for who you really are, the good with the bad.

 

Some great advice in this thread.

 

It would be easier to not care too much. Or maybe to never have a critical thought about yourself. Nothing to project into the other person's mind. No doubts. We should just do that, ES.

 

There. Fixed.

 

It's actually possible, if you try. Not exactly easy, but once you fit the little mental pieces into place, it can work. I've done it. What is the value of the negative thoughts anyway?

[Eternal Sunshine]

It would be easier to not care too much. Or maybe to never have a critical thought about yourself. Nothing to project into the other person's mind. No doubts. We should just do that, ES.

 

There. Fixed.

 

It's actually possible, if you try. Not exactly easy, but once you fit the little mental pieces into place, it can work. I've done it. What is the value of the negative thoughts anyway?

 

I have noticed this pattern in my previous relationships. They all start great, but then the more I care, the stronger my doubts and insecurities become. Even if I don't verbalize them, they seep into the way I act, what I say etc etc.

 

And pretty soon, the other person starts seeing me through MY eyes. My worst fears become a reality.

 

I am still working on that.

[Heart Of A Lion]

Something you could try is to get relocated to her local department by your employer. Or you could get another job in her city and perhaps even find your own apartment for the time being while you date.

 

Those are some solutions that bridge that gap for the time being.

 

However, be very very careful when you make such a step. I get shivers down my spine when I think about it, because it's a big risk to do that, so you need to be really really sure about her.

 

To be honest, before you attempt something like that, it's probably best that you get know her better first, for at least half a year to a year I think. That's generally a good period of time to get to know someone better. The long distance would make that more difficult though.

 

I have wondered about this sort of thing myself before, so I know you're in a very tough position, because between the lines that you write I sense that all the pressure and weight to possibly make this work is on you. That pressure can be so high that you succumb under it.

 

Godspeed Johan.

 

Edit: I just realized you said she's from a foreign office. So you're talking about an international LDR, that does make things more complicated. Which country is she from if I may ask?

Edited August 26, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion

[johan]

Thanks, HOAL. She's from north eastern Europe. I won't be more specific at the point. Maybe later. But I'm in Colorado.

 

I have noticed this pattern in my previous relationships. They all start great, but then the more I care, the stronger my doubts and insecurities become. Even if I don't verbalize them, they seep into the way I act, what I say etc etc.

 

And pretty soon, the other person starts seeing me through MY eyes. My worst fears become a reality.

 

I am still working on that.

 

Same here, ES. Falling for someone is hard. Believing in yourself is essential, if you want them to believe in you. I think this is more true for men. But somehow women are always better at it.

[RedRobin]

I'm very optimistic for you, Johan.

 

Those NE Europeans seem to be a great combination between strong + emotionally balanced.

 

I've been trying to get there for years...

 

I may just get a tourist visa and plop myself down over there for awhile. I need a fresh perspective....

 

... all the best to you!!

[Eternal Sunshine]

 

Same here, ES. Falling for someone is hard. Believing in yourself is essential, if you want them to believe in you. I think this is more true for men. But somehow women are always better at it.

 

You would think that it's more true for men, but it's probably close to equal.

 

In any case, you can't expect anyone to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself.

[Els]

So the long distance thing is working out ok so far. Beautifully. Just felt the urge to post an update. I could write several pages about it all. Mostly about feelings I'm not supposed to be having or things I should know better than to do.

 

Everything has been great. It's a lot to process. I feel a little like Wile E. Coyote just off the ledge, suspended in the air, waiting to drop.

 

Yay! I knew you could do it!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Johan is one of the sweetest, kindest people I know (there goes his LS reputation )...I am thrilled that he gets to experience this.

[johan]

I'm very optimistic for you, Johan.

 

Those NE Europeans seem to be a great combination between strong + emotionally balanced.

 

I've been trying to get there for years...

 

I may just get a tourist visa and plop myself down over there for awhile. I need a fresh perspective....... all the best to you!!

 

Thanks. Maybe I'll see you there. From what I can tell the women there have a really hard time meeting good guys. It seems to be the case that for much of Europe and for Russia, the women are better people than the men. The men often are cruel and are drinkers. The things this girl tells me about how guys treated her in the past make me really angry.

 

You would think that it's more true for men, but it's probably close to equal.

 

In any case, you can't expect anyone to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself.

 

Well, unless it's one of those situations where they see in you what you can't see in yourself. And they fall for that. That can happen. But you do need to keep your insecurities out of the way of that. They can short circuit that little stroke of luck.

 

Yay! I knew you could do it!

 

Ha ha... well, I still feel like it's a work in progress. When the relationship is stable and withstands the little barrage of negative thoughts, then I'll sit back and claim a bit of success. But thanks.

 

Johan is one of the sweetest, kindest people I know (there goes his LS reputation )...I am thrilled that he gets to experience this.

 

Thanks, ES. I try to be fair is all. But it's great that you would say this. And I'm thrilled, too. I'll be happy to carry it over the line.

[threebyfate]

j, I'm gonna throw in a wrench. If every guy she's been with has treated her badly, be careful.

[Trimmer]

Now she's gone home, and we have to go from four dimensions to what feels like two. The degrees of freedom are reduced.

You'll know how much of a dork I am when I say that I found this to be the most romantic line of your OP. Or at least the one I relate to the most.

 

Now I kinda wanna do you myself. (Aw look, I had to go and ruin a perfectly nice moment...)

 

j, I'm gonna throw in a wrench. If every guy she's been with has treated her badly, be careful.

Thoughtful point, but to be precise, he didn't say every guy...

 

Johan - I'm one of the most jaded guys about relationships - not bitter or angry per se, but decidedly ambivalent - but I'm totally rooting for you. Breathe, and relax. If it is what you think it is, then it will have some inherent stability - that you haven't learned to trust in yet - and it won't be particularly sensitive to small pertubations (e.g. a low-key Skype session once in a while.)

 

I wish you the best of luck, but I think you won't need luck to be the dominant factor here.

[Heart Of A Lion]

Thanks, HOAL. She's from north eastern Europe. I won't be more specific at the point. Maybe later. But I'm in Colorado.

 

Is there a possibility for her to get transferred to your local office in Colorado? In that case she could get a US work visa and you both could live together and get to know each other better in close proximity without having to get married (yet).

 

If your employer transfers her to a position at your local office where the job position requires her to speak her native language, then she is able to get a work visa for sure, because then the position can't be filled by an American. The latter is often, but not always, a requirement for a work visa. It would increase her chances for a visa tremendously.

 

Also when applying for a visa, contact an immigration bureau that could help her immigrate to the US. There are immigration bureaus that have over a 95% success rate in acquiring visas for immigrants. Citizens from EU countries tend to have very good chances to acquire a visa, especially with the help of such immigration bureaus. They do tend to charge for their services though.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion

[johan]

j, I'm gonna throw in a wrench. If every guy she's been with has treated her badly, be careful.

 

She seems ok. I'm not sure she understood that she should expect better. She might have self-esteem issues that keep her from demanding the treatment she should expect. But on the other hand, she did dump them. And she resents them. And she seems to really value the treatment she gets from me. As if she knew it was possible, but never thought it would actually happen to her. European guys can be so chauvinistic.

 

You'll know how much of a dork I am when I say that I found this to be the most romantic line of your OP. Or at least the one I relate to the most.

 

Now I kinda wanna do you myself. (Aw look, I had to go and ruin a perfectly nice moment...)

 

 

Thoughtful point, but to be precise, he didn't say every guy...

 

Johan - I'm one of the most jaded guys about relationships - not bitter or angry per se, but decidedly ambivalent - but I'm totally rooting for you. Breathe, and relax. If it is what you think it is, then it will have some inherent stability - that you haven't learned to trust in yet - and it won't be particularly sensitive to small pertubations (e.g. a low-key Skype session once in a while.)

 

I wish you the best of luck, but I think you won't need luck to be the dominant factor here.

 

Thanks, Trimmer. Today is a better day. I'm cooler. She's still there for me. More cool will get me where I need to be. Maybe we were setting an early pace we couldn't sustain. Hours of Skype into the early morning hours can wear you down. And you really can run out of clever things to say after a while.

 

Is there a possibility for her to get transferred to your local office in Colorado? In that case she could get a US work visa and you both could live together and get to know each other better in close proximity without having to get married (yet).

 

If your employer transfers her to a position at your local office where the job position requires her to speak her native language, then she is able to get a work visa for sure, because then the position can't be filled by an American. The latter is often, but not always, a requirement for a work visa. It would increase her chances for a visa tremendously.

 

Also when applying for a visa, contact an immigration bureau that could help her immigrate to the US. There are immigration bureaus that have over a 95% success rate in acquiring visas for immigrants. Citizens from EU countries tend to have very good chances to acquire a visa, especially with the help of such immigration bureaus. They do tend to charge for their services though.

 

All possibilities, for sure. I think if we agreed to move her here, I'd put a ring on her finger. But we need a couple visits to sort of confirm our status before that comes up.

[Star Gazer]

I may have missed this, but is she actually from Europe? Or is she American?

 

Talking about moving her here and putting a ring on her finger so fast has me really worried.

[johan]

I'm not moving quite that fast. Those decisions are in the future. But I'm also not dating her without thinking how she would fit into my future. I'm not interested in just having a fling.

[Heart Of A Lion]

Talking about moving her here and putting a ring on her finger so fast has me really worried.

 

You're right SG, from a rational standpoint it's not a smart thing to do, but sometimes that's the only way to be together for longer than just 90 days per year when both people are from different countries.

 

Getting her a worker's visa is a way to avoid marrying too quickly, however the tricky part is that you'd have to find an employer that hires her AND is willing to do the additional paperwork that comes with hiring someone from abroad.

 

Another obstacle is that the employer could be mandated by law to hire Americans for certain type of jobs before even being allowed to hire someone from abroad for that position. That's why I advised Johan to have her transferred to a position at his local office where her language skills are required. Then his employer can't hire an American for that job and she'll get a worker's visa pretty much guaranteed.

 

Marriage doesn't have to be a big deal if a prenup is signed, which would be the smart thing to do in this case. If you look at it from a purely technical standpoint, then marriage is a legal contract that can be ended if need be.

 

It's easy to get carried away in these kind of situations, but my advice is to force yourself to get to know her better before you make any major steps.

 

This sort of thing isn't easy and it comes with a lot of pressure and responsibilities. The question is, how far do you want to go for her. You said you want to dig your way through the earth in order to be with her and in reality that IS the kind of dedication you'd need to make it happen in these sort of cases.

 

But yeah, the easiest way is to get married (with a prenup). It'll save a lot of hassle.

 

Furthermore, her chances for getting a visa might actually differ from state to state. The reason is that some states might have a demand for a bigger workforce, while others have high local unemployment. Things like that can be a factor in regards to acquiring a worker's visa.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion

[Star Gazer]

"Marriage doesn't have to be a big deal"????

 

You lost me there.

[carhill]

Congrats OP. Having walked this path, my advice is to not over-think and to develop a 'Going to see my Sweetie' budget and let life take its course. Sometimes the path walked is as fulfilling and memorable as the destination. Also, due to being inspired, I found ways to travel on a relatively tight budget, though perhaps not an issue for yourself, a gift which has paid itself forward over the last 15 years or so. Good luck

[johan]

Thanks, Carhill.

 

It's easy to get caught up in the romance and magic of the moment when you meet someone you really click with. In this case, not only for me and her, but also for friends and family whose minds immediately jump to conclusions of the ultimate happy ending.

 

It's tempting. It may even be required. If you aren't thinking that way, how excited are you really?

 

It seems like relationships that go very quickly to marriage have a good record. If not better than those that had a long, rational, probation, dating period. Sometimes you really do know right away when you've met a keeper.

 

If you want to be completely rational about it, you'd never get married at all for any reasons except purely practical ones. That's not fun at all.

 

I've been needing to temper my enthusiasm lately though. Forcing the pace is a bad idea. There will be a right time.

[Heart Of A Lion]

"Marriage doesn't have to be a big deal"????

 

You lost me there.

 

Of course marriage is a big deal, but necessity can change how soon you want to get married. If you keep seeing marriage as a HUGE deal, then your only option in these cases is to get a worker's visa and jump through a lot of bureaucratic hoops.

 

People across the world get married all the time to be together. It's not the smartest thing to do that quickly, but sometimes just that one person rings your bell. What are you then going to do? How long would you be willing to just Skype, call, e-mail and text?

 

Situations like these might require a more open mind in regards to marriage. We're not talking about the girl next door that you can see and meet every day. These things can be complex.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion

[Forever Learning]

I'm still very excited about all this Johan. Giddy!!! I am hoping to learn alot. Thanks for being brave enough to share this with us, it's beyond awesome. I have some work to do myself regarding trust and emotional intimacy, so your honesty here is such good stuff. Tickled pink I am for you. And I love the variety of opinions and insight you are getting here. It's all golden.

[Heart Of A Lion]

Those NE Europeans seem to be a great combination between strong + emotionally balanced.

 

I've been trying to get there for years...

 

I may just get a tourist visa and plop myself down over there for awhile. I need a fresh perspective....

 

North Eastern Europe doesn't require you to file an application for a tourist visa if you're from North America. If the country you want to visit is within the EU or Schengen area, then you can just take a plane and fly there as an American and you can freely move within the entire Schengen area without any restrictions, as long as you carry an American passport.

 

In short, (North) Americans automatically get a tourist visa for EU countries. It lasts 90 days. If you overstay it, then you can get into trouble with the authorities. The same goes for people from within the EU that want to travel to North America. If you overstay the 90 days, then that can get you into problems with authorities. If you want to stay longer than 90 days, then you'd need a different type of visa or you'd need to acquire permanent citizenship, by marrying for example. Unfortunately the options are limited.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion