SR80 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I feel a little foolish but this is my first serious relationship. Dating this guy for around 7 months and everything is going great and he is pretty attentive and caring. We don't live close to each other and usually he picks me up and we hang around at my side of the town. Our date nights are usually twice or thrice a week. However, what has started annoying me is that every Sunday he has to play golf (thats his day off) which takes up the entire day, though he is always open for dinner post his golf game. Sometimes when there is an unexpected holiday on the weekday, he books his golf game first and then makes a plan with me (though last time he did cancel his game and spent the day with me). As I have started getting more serious about him, I feel his golf game is always a priority on a sunday (saturday is half day for him and the later half is always with me). I wish sometimes he just cancels his golf or plan a Sunday with the same kind of enthusiasm with me. On an average he golfs twice a week. Do you think I am overreacting or do you think I should maybe tell him how I feel? Or jsut let it be? I am 30, he is 34. I have my own hobbies and that is what attracted us to each other, the fact that we would give each other space and had interests. I am actually quite encouraging of his golf and keep gifting him gold related stuff and feel its a great exercise. I get that. But it has started annoying the hell out of me that I can never do a whole sunday/holiday with him. I know its kinda stupid, given he is the one who calls me every night, texts me about his whereabouts always (I never ask or text him often like most women do). Golf is something he got into this year and I am afraid it may just take over his life since he has already progressed from once a week to twice to sometimes thrice a week Also we cant spent the night together at each other places because of us are South Asians and live with our parents who are quite conservative. So most of the time together time is restricted to 5-6 hrs.
Star Gazer Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Yes, you are overreacting. Let him have a half day to play golf. Sheesh. 3
veggirl Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 He gives you his time after work on Saturday, and his time after golf on Sunday. I see no problem with his golf schedule.
Balzac Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Not going to judge on overreacting. Your feelings are valid. Golf is a social sport and much business is involved. That being said, you may be the type of woman who cannot embrace a golfer. Nothing wrong with that. Expecting a man to build a respectable social golf game playing once a week is unrealistic. This is golf season, he's new to the sport. As a guy, if you feel competition with golf now, I'd be seeing a red flag to future issues. I play sports other than golf but mainly during the week. Have you considered taking up golf yourself? 2
pteromom Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Your problem isn't with golf - it's that you wish you had more time with him. Honestly, I see the main problem as this: "Also we cant spent the night together at each other places because of us are South Asians and live with our parents who are quite conservative." You are 30 years old! You are not just an adult; you are way into adulthood. You need to be able to stand up to your parents and make your own life. It doesn't mean you have to have sex if you don't want to, but if you would break away from your parents a little, you'd have many more options for spending time together. Something to think about. Why not try this - tell your boyfriend you'd love to be able to spend more time together, and ask him to help you figure out how to accomplish that. Don't make it about golf, because golf isn't the issue. 1
Star Gazer Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 My thing isn't golf, it's running. A long weekend run lasts hours. Like golf, you can't expect to improve without regular practice/training. For many golf isn't even social so much as a de-stressor (although a bad game can actually increase stress!). If any guy asked me to give up a long run, even just once in a while, when the remainder of my free time on the weekend was already spent with him, I'd hit the road. 1
Author SR80 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Thank you and yes pteromom has hit the nail in the head. The problem is given we are from very conservative communities and its not just something we can do cos of our culture (staying the night over with parents in the next room) and it frustrates me sometimes that true alone time can only happen when we book a hotel room. Though I do feel I was being a lil manipulative asking him to go for lunch and a movie on a sunday. He of course played the golf course but then promised he will make it up on Saturday and will make me see the movie, and take me out twice for dinners/lunches this week. I just felt like golf is a priority as tom is our day off and he already is playing golf and then when I told him about Sunday, he said the same thing. Though in his defense Friday was another day off and he spent it with me and cancelled the golf. So a part of me feels like Im turning into a psycho bitch and the other part just feels a little hurt that he should be thinking of our alone time first!
Garfish Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I had a partner who engaged in a sport that I found incredibly boring. She structured her entire life including finances around this sport. One or two days a week she participated in it. I was OK with that. It's normal to be jealous at first of something that takes away your together time. I found ways to participate in related activities but she never reciprocated and that's one of the reasons why the relationship couldn't work; I was expecting us to be able to do things together that we both enjoyed. When our one enjoyable mutual activity did disappear from the relationship, it was the beginning of the end. One thing I've learned from all that is it's better to move on than to keep compromising. But in your case, I'd say you should try and accept his hobby; perhaps you should spend Sundays engaging in something that YOU really enjoy.
serial muse Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I agree with Star...he loves golf, let him have the golf. It's really not a lot to ask, and it sounds like he makes a point to spend time with you other times/days. Don't draw a line in the sand over this, it's not worth it. Create a regular Sunday routine for yourself instead! You might come to love it. 1
The Way I Am Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 You know Sunday is his day to play golf, but you keep asking him to do things on that day. Why does it need to be Sunday when you ask him to go to the movies or lunch? That's pretty selfish. You can't arrange the quality time on Fridays or Saturdays instead? Seems like you're deliberately trying to compete with golf and make him prove his love by choosing you over golf. Golf isn't another woman. He can love you AND golf too. Let him have his Sunday golfing and find something you enjoy that can be your Sunday thing. 3
SJC2008 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Congrats on your first serious R and there's nothing to feel foolish about. Golf was part of his life before you arrived and will be part of his life until he dies. When it comes to people who golf they either play rarely like me, or ALL the time. There never seems to be an in between?? He canceled once for you so I don't think he'd not do it again for you for a special occaison. 1
maybealone Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I'd hang in there for the following reasons: 1. The only reason golf is taking his entire Sunday is because he is new to the sport. Once he gets the hang of it (likely within another year), even a foursome won't take more than a half day to play. 2. I don't know where you live so maybe you don't have winters, but there must be some kind of bad weather once in a while on a Sunday that will keep him home. 3. You can't possibly be planning to live with your parents forever. At some point, I would imagine at least one of you would move out. 4. He hopefully will not always have a job that only gives him one day off a week. At some point he might have two days off every week, giving him a full day with you.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 You're not over-reacting, just bitching. If he gets any more carried away with it--four times, five times--have a chat. Do you live where he can play all year? If not, the seasonal changes should mean declining golf activity. If so, have patience for a while and ask questions which hint that you're feeling marginalized. He may feel his texting and calls is compensating and you don't. Talk--politely and uncontentiously.
rainfall Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I think you are overreacting. Its normal for people in relationships to have hobbies away from their SO and asking someone to give up a hobby they enjoy once a week is kind of selfish. I understand where you are coming from with wanting to spend more time with your boyfriend, but asking him to give up something he loves is going to drive him away. Use Sundays to do things you enjoy, spend time with your friends, and try out new hobbies and activities.
spookie Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 You are way over-reacting. You should be happy that he has a healthy interest.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Cut the guy a break. Let him play some golf on the weekends. He makes time for you afterwards so that's pretty cool. He also calls you every night and lets you know where he is. That is pretty awesome. There should be a "few* Sunday's where he makes an exception and spends the day with you. But let him play in his free time and nip that resentment for his golf playing in the bud. Remember that you are attracted to each other because you give each other space sometimes. That is also a good thing. How about one day you ask him to take you golfing and teach you how to golf? Might make for a fun date! Usually guys love showing off their interests like that. I had one date where a guy took me to a gun range. It was pretty cool. Just don't get to a point where you are always asking to go with him. More times then not, he should be enjoying golf on his own. If he invites you, then you can go. But for the first time, you can suggest that you go golfing together and see how he feels about that.
Kofybean Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 ...So a part of me feels like Im turning into a psycho bitch and the other part just feels a little hurt that he should be thinking of our alone time first! Why don't you stop being so PC, and say what you really feel. Its the internet, you aren't going to get in trouble. You hate the fact that he could possibly spend part of his day occupying his mind with something other than you? It makes you feel hurt, unloved, and disrespected to know that something has replaced you in his mind? Lets get real here.
Author SR80 Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 Thank you for all the insightful comments and making me rethink everything again. The weather conditions will permit him to play golf throughout the year, he even plays when its 43 Celsius, so that is not an issue. And he works in his family business, and there are times that he was able to take off unexpected days and he booked his game first in the afternooon. So I guess my annoyance is a culmination of the whole last month. Also sometimes he is so exhausted post the game that I feel like he feels some obligation to do dinner as he is not mentally present on the date and wants to go home and sleep! As for asking him to take me the course, I dont want to encroach on his space and do respect that he wants some alone guy time. His boys nights out at clubs/pubs have pretty much ended since we started dating (something he changed himself and not something I told him to). Also I have weekends off as well, and I usually plan my weekend around him but maybe that is the problem here.
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