Break or Stay; Unsure

[Doushiyou]

Hello everyone. I'm new here and so sorry that my very first post is going to be a selfish one involving the question of 'what should I do?'. If you guys and girls out there wouldn't mind sitting through this and giving me some advice, it'd be appreciated on my part.

 

So here we go. I've been dating my current boyfriend for about 3 years now. We don't have any major problems that could possibly end a relationship and yet when I think about our future together, I don't see it happening anymore.

 

I've thought about this a few times throughout the years after some small things that made me really unhappy. But like I said above, they're not anthing major. They're minor problems in our relationship in an overall happy relationship. They're things like:

 

He rarely has anything to tell me when we talk over Skype. When we get on it's me who's doing all the talking and he's either playing a video game or doing his college work while we talk. I used to feel really bad about this but I've learned to accept it for the most part because he says seeing my face is enough and that he doesn't lead an interesting enough life to start a conversationg with me. Also, right now I'm living in Japan. I've been here for 5 months and he still acts the same over our Skype calls. Somehow I had hopped that me leaving the country would give him a little more of an insentive to strike up some conversation with me since we never see eachother in person now.

 

Before I came to Japan I was already bugging him to come see me. He was reluctent and this also bothered me because I know it's about money. He works part time and lives with his mother still, but he says it costs a lot of money. I guess it does and I should have a little sympathy for his wallet, but I feel like this is the duty of a boyfriend or girlfriend. I wish he'd feel the same about it, but the only reason he changed his mind about it sometime into my trip was because I cried after hearing it from him directly one day on a Skype meet. I tried to suck it in, but he had originally said he would try his best to save up and come see me and then one month into my trip he was already giving up. After that though he changed his mind, but later on said he wanted to bring a friend. He had said he couldnt come unless I had about 2 weeks off so he could have one week to visit his grandparents and dad who live here. Well I found that slot and so he agreed to it. Then he said he wanted to bring a friend and do stuff with his friend for one week and then the next week would be devoted to me. Well, call me selfish, but I didn't like that. I was expecting we'd be spending the whole 2 weeks together. I told him that I didn't like the idea of his friend coming and he said that his friend had wanted to go with him to japan for a few years now. I get the feeling that if he brought a friend his trip would be more pleasant for him and it just made me feel like I was just some sort of duty he was going to have to accomplish after getting here. He later on changed his mind yet again, because I was plainly upset about it and I believe he must have consulted his sister and mother about who probably took my side. Nonetheless, this is all over now because he recently told me he wants to do an internship and if he does, he won't be able to see me.

 

The other thing is that I became, what I concidered to be, pretty ill for a few days. I fainted in my house and continued to have trouble standing up and keeping myself from fainting. I later found out that it was due to major loss of water in my body and having a 105 F fever. After going to the hospital I had to skip work. I got on the internet at our scheduled meeting time on Skype but he didnt call me and merely texted me saying he had to take a test the next morning and so he was going to sleep early and was sorry and that he would talk to me later. I told him I was sick and that I had seriously thought I was going to die after I fainted on my floor. He texted me back a few more times saying things like not to say that kind of stuff and that he hoped I felt better and then got off to go sleep. I felt pretty crummy about that and it reminded me of an earlier point in time when I got sick and because we live 40 minutes apart from eachother he wouldnt come visit me. And it was probably because the doctor had told me I had caught what might be a type of swine flu.

 

Lastly, we don't have too much in common. He doesn't like to go anywhere, but he says it's just because he doesn't have that much money to go anywhere. I get the feeling even if he did though, he still wouldn't go anywhere. He loves video games and anime and that's mainly all he does. He goes to the gym and recently, because I got really mad about his grades one time, he's been doing great in school. But I love to go do things outside and easily get bored. I like to change things up every once in a while but we've really being doing the exact same things our entire 3 years together. Video games, anime, eating out at the same restraunts, and buys me a lot of snacks I like from the Japanese grocery store and even bought a subscription to a Japanese comic magazine that I like. I like video games, anime, and the same restraunts, but I also want to do other things. Sometimes I just felt like pulling my hair out when he'd get stuck on one video game he'd want to keep working at while I was at his house. I'm not usually playing with him either, I'm simply watching most of the time. I've tried playing some online strategy game with him before but I just wasnt good at it and everytime I asked if he'd play with me he'd usually say that his friends were wanting to play with him at that time. Which was true, and sometimes he would invite me to play with him but it felt like he was trying to hide the grimacing thought of me joining them and I would just decline the offer and he'd be A-OK and say his game was about to start and then leave.

 

He truly is a nice boyfriend and has been overally great, but I just feel like I can't get over these few things because they keep re-occuring and I feel their things that are just imbeded in his personallity. I don't think he can just change those things and feel sincere about it. I'm feeling like I've had enough of those little things. I feel like even though he can be really nice to me, he is also a bit selfish and not someone I can rely on in marriage. Truthfully, I'm thinking I should break up with him. But he is really attached to the idea of us getting married and having children and a dog and picked fence. I just don't know how to break it to him.

 

I sent him a message before I left on my trip to Tokyo about having to talk about our future. I just got back to my city and read his response in which he said he was having dreams after reading my message. He said the dreams either ended nicely or they ended in me saying our marriage would never work out wich is really hitting the nail. But, he quickly follows up with a 'I'm thinking too much' and 'don't worry about me'. He started telling me about his school and a couple other things afterwards which I'm most certain he wouldn't feel compelled to tell me about unless he was worried about the future of our relationship.

 

Now I'm worried, are all my reasons for wanting to break up truly valid reasons or are these things normal? Do couples just have to face these sorts of things? I feel like I might be being too picky of a girlfriend now. But I'm not so experienced in the dating world since this is my first boyfriend and I am his first girlfriend. I think that neither of us have a great idea about relationships.

 

Well, if there's any advice that you guys could share with me it'd mean a lot. Thank you.

[flitzanu]

from your perspective and your side of the story, it certainly sounds like he's "just not that into you".

 

if he already acts so aloof and disinterested in communicating with you, then your feelings are probably right about not seeing much of a future together. there's no rules that you can't break up with someone because you aren't feeling like it's working.

 

the thing is, do your best to be HONEST about it and don't drag it out with false hopes or lame excuses. be direct about how you feel.

[Chi townD]

I'm not defending your boyfriend at all, however, when I went on my trip to Japan, the airfare alone was $1400. That's just for the plane! Then you have to factor in food and lodging. And with the Yen fluxating the way it does, it can cost a LOT of money. So, for a guy living at home with a part time job....yeah, it's tough.

[rach24680]

 

So here we go. I've been dating my current boyfriend for about 3 years now. We don't have any major problems that could possibly end a relationship and yet when I think about our future together, I don't see it happening anymore.

 

I've thought about this a few times throughout the years after some small things that made me really unhappy. But like I said above, they're not anthing major. They're minor problems in our relationship in an overall happy relationship. They're things like:

 

 

Before I came to Japan I was already bugging him to come see me. He was reluctent and this also bothered me because I know it's about money. He works part time and lives with his mother still, but he says it costs a lot of money. I guess it does and I should have a little sympathy for his wallet, but I feel like this is the duty of a boyfriend or girlfriend. I wish he'd feel the same about it, but the only reason he changed his mind about it sometime into my trip was because I cried after hearing it from him directly one day on a Skype meet. I tried to suck it in, but he had originally said he would try his best to save up and come see me and then one month into my trip he was already giving up. After that though he changed his mind, but later on said he wanted to bring a friend. He had said he couldnt come unless I had about 2 weeks off so he could have one week to visit his grandparents and dad who live here. Well I found that slot and so he agreed to it. Then he said he wanted to bring a friend and do stuff with his friend for one week and then the next week would be devoted to me. Well, call me selfish, but I didn't like that. I was expecting we'd be spending the whole 2 weeks together. I told him that I didn't like the idea of his friend coming and he said that his friend had wanted to go with him to japan for a few years now. I get the feeling that if he brought a friend his trip would be more pleasant for him and it just made me feel like I was just some sort of duty he was going to have to accomplish after getting here. He later on changed his mind yet again, because I was plainly upset about it and I believe he must have consulted his sister and mother about who probably took my side. Nonetheless, this is all over now because he recently told me he wants to do an internship and if he does, he won't be able to see me.

 

The other thing is that I became, what I concidered to be, pretty ill for a few days. I fainted in my house and continued to have trouble standing up and keeping myself from fainting. I later found out that it was due to major loss of water in my body and having a 105 F fever. After going to the hospital I had to skip work. I got on the internet at our scheduled meeting time on Skype but he didnt call me and merely texted me saying he had to take a test the next morning and so he was going to sleep early and was sorry and that he would talk to me later. I told him I was sick and that I had seriously thought I was going to die after I fainted on my floor. He texted me back a few more times saying things like not to say that kind of stuff and that he hoped I felt better and then got off to go sleep. I felt pretty crummy about that and it reminded me of an earlier point in time when I got sick and because we live 40 minutes apart from eachother he wouldnt come visit me. And it was probably because the doctor had told me I had caught what might be a type of swine flu.

 

Now I'm worried, are all my reasons for wanting to break up truly valid reasons or are these things normal? Do couples just have to face these sorts of things? I feel like I might be being too picky of a girlfriend now. But I'm not so experienced in the dating world since this is my first boyfriend and I am his first girlfriend. I think that neither of us have a great idea about relationships.

 

Well, if there's any advice that you guys could share with me it'd mean a lot. Thank you.

 

Firstly, it sounds like you've already amde up you're mind, and by the sounds of it quite rightly so. Not because I think you're boyfriend is awful but because you want different things, and that's always going to come between you.

Now you say

Before I came to Japan I was already bugging him to come see me. He was reluctent and this also bothered me because I know it's about money. He works part time and lives with his mother still, but he says it costs a lot of money. I guess it does and I should have a little sympathy for his wallet, but I feel like this is the duty of a boyfriend or girlfriend.

why is it soley his responsibility to come and see you? why couldn't you see him?

You shoukd do what you feel is best and you both don't seem happy

[Future7]

Limit contact or go no contact for a few days and see if he comes to you. It always worked for me.