Titania22 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Hey Guys, Just feeling a little down. I have alot of guy friends and acquaintances because of similar interests. And one of the beauties of being friends with guys over girls, is that guys tend not to go into too much detail (or so I thought) when telling you about the sexual things that occur in their lives. This is brilliant, since I am long term single, and rarely get to have sex, because really as if I need the frustration of being reminded of how pathetically undesirable I am. So 2 nights ago 1 of my guy friends comes on skype, all grumpy, because a few days back his girlfriend broke up with him and he was trying OLD. So I help him calm down, and even help him come up for a name for OKCupid and a funny opening line for his profile. So last night he comes on skype and he is really happy (good for him), he just had awesome sex (cool). What upset me was, that without me asking, he actually told me details about his "equipment" and how great he was, and how long it lasted. I am used to this from girlfriends in the past, I was just shocked to have to hear this stuff from a guy friend. And no, before you even say it, he isn't interested in me, he already told me I am way too old for him. So it just seems kind of cruel. And just made me feel a bit depressed. I can accept I am past the age where guys are going to be attracted to me, but really do I have to be reminded that other women are out there having great sex. And to add insult to injury, he had to toss in the "I think every woman can have an orgasm from penetration alone" carrot. Which is like implying I am a failure as a woman, because I never have had an orgasm from penetration alone. I realise he was probably just being insensitive due to his post-sex high, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel a bit down and "forever alone" right now.
Author Titania22 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 I forgot to pose my question which is as follows. Are some men becoming more chatty with friends about things, that in the past, would have been taboo?
StillReigning Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 How old are you? I'm sure there are plenty of hormonal young guys who'd love to give you the high hard one. I agree Go after the young ones
MrCastle Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Yeah how old are you? I'm 24 and don't mind being a boy toy.
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I think most men tend to talk abou their sexual experiences. Your female friends were more open mouthed about their trysts ? Dont be so down on yourself. And you should set some boundaries with your friend. Let him know how you feel. Chances are he will do it again. How old are u ?
kaylan Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 That dude sounds like a bragging noob who doesnt know anything about women or their sexuality...especially after he made that penetration comment. He really knows nothing and its quite possible he was trash in bed and the girl just let him think he was good. All that being said, I only have one good chick friend I can talk to about sex...and I dont go into much detail unless I can see shes in the mood for it. Hell I dont go into super detail with my guy friends about sex anymore. Im 25 and its not a big deal anymore. Maybe once in a while we may get descriptive about things, but its rare. We arent in high school anymore...so we dont act like noobs who never get laid and need to brag when they do.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Yeah how old are you? I'm 24 and don't mind being a boy toy. If I ever end up moving to NYC you will have to show me around 1
MrCastle Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 If I ever end up moving to NYC you will have to show me around Of course. I'll show you around the bedroom, the couch... 2
Author Titania22 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Thanks Guys, I was just feeling a little down, I went for a walk after posting this and don't feel so bad anymore. Bob_Funk and Alex Cross I am 40. I didn't think guys really talked in detail about that stuff. When I say girlfriends did, I meant years ago, like when I just got out of HighSchool. Girls go into massive detail about every little thing. Still Reigning All my guy friends are young compared to me, and I have a history of going after the young ones. Although my tastes are slowly maturing finally. Young guys aren't as interested as you might think. I have already heard every variation of "you're too old", and so now I know better than to hit on every young (feasibly doable) guy I see. I also learnt my friendships last longer if I don't make inappropriate comments to my guy friends. Apparently "I am a really cool person, and I can't see why you are having trouble finding someone, but no I don't have any friends I can introduce to you, sorry." Mostly my friendships consist of gaming i.e. what are you/we playing now? And rarely they might talk about something about their actual lives. So over time I learn about them, but mostly it's about having someone to play with. Kaylan Yeah I just think he so over excited that he actually got laid. He was in a long term LDR before that, and so probably only got face time with his now exGF about once a month. I don't think he meant to be insensitive. All my guy friends know that I am long term single.
Emilia Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 And no, before you even say it, he isn't interested in me, he already told me I am way too old for him. So it just seems kind of cruel. And just made me feel a bit depressed. Are you sure you know what friendship is? It's a bond between like minded people built on mutual love and respect. It isn't contact between two people where one is cruel to the other. I can accept I am past the age where guys are going to be attracted to me, but really do I have to be reminded that other women are out there having great sex. Where do you live? I'm 40 too and men are after me all the time. Some older, some younger. And to add insult to injury, he had to toss in the "I think every woman can have an orgasm from penetration alone" carrot. Which is like implying I am a failure as a woman, because I never have had an orgasm from penetration alone. I realise he was probably just being insensitive due to his post-sex high, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel a bit down and "forever alone" right now. What? Why would you have a conversation with anyone about something so personal? You need to learn how to draw your boundaries and the definition of friendship too.
Author Titania22 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Are you sure you know what friendship is? It's a bond between like minded people built on mutual love and respect. It isn't contact between two people where one is cruel to the other. Where do you live? I'm 40 too and men are after me all the time. Some older, some younger. What? Why would you have a conversation with anyone about something so personal? You need to learn how to draw your boundaries and the definition of friendship too. I live in Australia (where men don't care about sex, let alone having relationships). That particular friend lives in America. You seem to be going by the old definition of friend. Under that definition I never had more then 1 or 2 friends at a time. I now use the word, more in the newer context, of public networking (eg, how many skype/Facebook/SC2 etc friends do you have?). So in that, anyone I share an activity in common with is automatically my friend. As for people sharing personal things, often when something is in typed form (and not looking at another person directly), I find people say things they wouldn't share if they had to say them out loud, or look someone in the eyes. That seems the nature of the online experience. TBH I found the tone of your response a little harsh, and I also wonder how you can say that "a friendship is a bond between like minded people built on mutual love and respect", and then in the same post say "Why would you have a conversation with anyone about something so personal?" I get that by my definition of friendship, it seems weird to have such a personal conversation, but in your definition, how can you have that mutual love and respect, and yet not talk about things that are personal? How can you say you love someone, if you don't really know them?
Emilia Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I live in Australia (where men don't care about sex, let alone having relationships). I had an Australian boyfriend so I can tell you from experience that this isn't true. He has now moved back to Sydney and has been living with his girlfriend for years. I also have several Australian friends and some are married, I think all of them are in serious relationships at least (some live in London, others have moved back to Sydney/the East Coast) That particular friend lives in America. You seem to be going by the old definition of friend. Under that definition I never had more then 1 or 2 friends at a time. I now use the word, more in the newer context, of public networking (eg, how many skype/Facebook/SC2 etc friends do you have?). So in that, anyone I share an activity in common with is automatically my friend. In that case, you shouldn't be surprised that they treat you this way. In my definition those people are acquaintances at best. They don't have your best interest at heart. As for people sharing personal things, often when something is in typed form (and not looking at another person directly), I find people say things they wouldn't share if they had to say them out loud, or look someone in the eyes. That seems the nature of the online experience. So why have it if it's so unpleasant? TBH I found the tone of your response a little harsh, and I also wonder how you can say that "a friendship is a bond between like minded people built on mutual love and respect", and then in the same post say "Why would you have a conversation with anyone about something so personal?" I get that by my definition of friendship, it seems weird to have such a personal conversation, but in your definition, how can you have that mutual love and respect, and yet not talk about things that are personal? How can you say you love someone, if you don't really know them? I didn't mean to sound harsh. I would never discuss having sex with my friends nor my sister no matter how close, it's between me and the person I'm seeing (though I have made references here on this board when I thought it was helping someone). I think those boundaries tend to be drawn by most adults, it's quite a teenage-like conversation to have with an almost-stranger. It's false intimacy and it indicates trust on your part - where clearly that trust hasn't been earned by your 'friend' who is quite mean. It seems that these bogus friendships are substitutes for real friendships in your life. I think it's quite dangerous to blur the boundaries and not being able to differentiate between real friends you can trust with your most inner thoughts and feelings (regardless whether you wish to discuss sex or not) and acquaintances whom will not have your best interest at heart. I think you need to be much more selective when it comes to calling someone your friend. Even facebook allows you to group people as 'acquaintances' after all - if you must live your life based on the impersonal means of cyber space.
Author Titania22 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Emilia On the whole I enjoy my online friendships. I have spent 100's of hours playing with people online. It's fun. And yes, those friendships are very transient. In my original post, I did start by saying I was just feeling a little down (nothing earth shattering or anything). But I do take to heart what you said about them being substitutes for real friendships (or more specifically substitutes for the male energy I don't have in my life because I am not in a relationship). It's true, but even without those "friendships" I would still be single, and probably even less in touch with what men are like. And real life acquaintances with men are even less satisfying, as they amount to exchanging perhaps a dozen words with someone I am sitting next to in class. What a moron. It's idiots like him who suck as lovers because they're misinformed and too ignorant to know the difference. What are these guys - "internet friends?" Shudder. Just read through the thread and I see they are indeed internet 'friends.' I couldn't imagine wasting my time with 20-somethings. Most of them are dumber than rocks and have no idea how to please a woman. Why are you hitting on these idiots? A man your OWN age will be more experienced and much more schooled in how to please a woman. I don't get it. The hitting on 20-somethings is more a thing of the past now Just_A_Poster. This year has been all about growing up (on the inside), and so the shift has been to be attracted to men closer to my own age group. I have reached the point where I can find some men in their 30's to be attractive. (This may not sound like much, but compared to what I was posting a year ago, this is huge growth for me.) But I rarely meet men my own age, and have yet to find one that shares any interests with me. I don't think it helps, that I am a 40yr old, who like gaming and is studying at uni in the hopes of having my 1st career. (i.e. I am 20yrs behind everyone else.) Basically I just feel like I have missed the boat and that I am not what men want, and that the best I can hope for now is the artificial intimacy that Emilia brought up.
Emilia Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 But I do take to heart what you said about them being substitutes for real friendships (or more specifically substitutes for the male energy I don't have in my life because I am not in a relationship). It's true, but even without those "friendships" I would still be single, and probably even less in touch with what men are like. And real life acquaintances with men are even less satisfying, as they amount to exchanging perhaps a dozen words with someone I am sitting next to in class. A lot of men are not like that though. I'm sorry that you don't meet the right kind of guys in real life (what sort of class?) but so many of them are lively and friendly and like good women. From your full post I'm guessing you are surrounded by 20 year-olds? Not that there is anything wrong with them (I'm fairly partial to guys in their 20s and I'm the same age as you) but you can't expect them to act like a mature 30 year-old, no. A lot of guys in their 30s and 40s are taken but they also split up/get divorced. Perhaps it would benefit you if you mingled with them more in different types of social settings than you are used to? No-one should settle for artificial intimacy, I'm pretty sure you don't need to.
Author Titania22 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 A lot of men are not like that though. I'm sorry that you don't meet the right kind of guys in real life (what sort of class?) but so many of them are lively and friendly and like good women. From your full post I'm guessing you are surrounded by 20 year-olds? Not that there is anything wrong with them (I'm fairly partial to guys in their 20s and I'm the same age as you) but you can't expect them to act like a mature 30 year-old, no. A lot of guys in their 30s and 40s are taken but they also split up/get divorced. Perhaps it would benefit you if you mingled with them more in different types of social settings than you are used to? No-one should settle for artificial intimacy, I'm pretty sure you don't need to. Well I feel kind of limited, as from what I hear, people tend to meet in bars here, and I am not into drinking, and don't like being around people when they are drunk. I have tried going to meetups, but I haven't had any luck meeting someone through them, and OLD is horrendously awful. So I have no idea where I am supposed to meet these 30 and 40 year olds. At school I am mostly around 20yr olds, but there are mature aged students (around 30 yrs old) too (Ok, there is one). I even asked him out to lunch earlier this year twice and he forgot both times. *shakes head in frustration* And I am starting to go to the gaming group at the uni, so I will see where that leads. I am racking up acquaintances like no tomorrow, but none of them seem like they are interested. No one is flirty with me, or anything. I am doing a BSc, I am studying Microbiology, Molecular Biology and Cryptology this semester. I really love it. I have a really great life, and I am very lucky. If I could just let go of the whole desire/love/sex thing, my life would be perfect. I feel like I am pretty close, I am way more ambivalent then I was a year ago. I have kids that love me and a great girlfriend (who now lives in another city), surely that should be enough right. What is it in me, that still wants a connection with a man?
Emilia Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I am doing a BSc, I am studying Microbiology, Molecular Biology and Cryptology this semester. I really love it. I have a really great life, and I am very lucky. If I could just let go of the whole desire/love/sex thing, my life would be perfect. I feel like I am pretty close, I am way more ambivalent then I was a year ago. I have kids that love me and a great girlfriend (who now lives in another city), surely that should be enough right. What is it in me, that still wants a connection with a man? Most people desire romantic love it's just everyone's definition is different. It definitely sounds like you hang out with the 'wrong' age group. What sort of meetups did you go to?
Author Titania22 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Most people desire romantic love it's just everyone's definition is different. It definitely sounds like you hang out with the 'wrong' age group. What sort of meetups did you go to? I used to go to a philosophy one every month (until the coordinator got a boyfriend, and now she has left us all hanging), and I tried some singles groups before I turned 40, now I don't fall into the criteria. Still I only met one guy who interested me, and he rejected me because he is only interested in younger women. It's hard to find groups that interest me, I have my eye on some gaming meetups I haven't tried yet, they tend to have a really small attendance though so I could probably meetup a half dozen new people at most. With school though, I probably have to wait until the summer holidays.
Radu Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) Titania, i think he was just feeling the need to brag. Also, guys [younger especially] don't think things through tbh. Meaning that, in his mind probably he didn't see how he was ... hurtfull. Also, just personal opinion, but i can't see how you are having trouble meeting a guy knowing your age, and seeing your pic in your profile. You look very nice for your age, amazing if you count the fact that you are a westerner. I really should get you to help me with my online profile later on. Edited August 14, 2012 by Radu
Emilia Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I used to go to a philosophy one every month (until the coordinator got a boyfriend, and now she has left us all hanging), and I tried some singles groups before I turned 40, now I don't fall into the criteria. Still I only met one guy who interested me, and he rejected me because he is only interested in younger women. It's hard to find groups that interest me, I have my eye on some gaming meetups I haven't tried yet, they tend to have a really small attendance though so I could probably meetup a half dozen new people at most. With school though, I probably have to wait until the summer holidays. I never tried singles ones and never will, it seems forced to me. I think meetups work much better if you use them to build a good solid social base, rather than just focus on dating. Isn't there any sort of interest that you could muster up that men relate to easier, especially those that might be slightly more compatible with you in terms of age? I joined debating ones and certain sports related ones and I meet a great variety of people
Els Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Titania, I think it's quite worrying that you're taking one guy's lack of social boundaries and somehow turning it into a reflection onto YOURSELF. 'You missed the boat', 'you're a failure cause you can't have orgasms from penetration'... come on. The majority of women require more than straight-up penetration to orgasm. And as for missing the boat and you feeling unhappy about other women being able to have him... Why would you WANT someone like him? Someone who brags about the length of his schlong to platonic female friends and never intends to do more than penetration during sex because he feels all women should be able to orgasm from it? He wouldn't even be worth taking as an FWB. This speaks volumes about your lack of security with yourself. Please don't project his own ignorance, inappropriateness, and idiocy onto yourself.
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