Push_Through_It Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 So I have been reading all of your posts for awhile and it really has helped me through a lot. Not only knowing people are going through what I am, but that some of you (sadly) are experiencing far worse than I am. Anyways I decided to start posting and offering any support that I can. So I'll keep my story short, but basically I dated this girl for a few months. She had broken up with a serious bf about 3 months before meeting me and had also gone on some dates with a couple guys in between so I was hoping that she was over the "rebound" stage. She (and her friends) had told me that her es is a total control freak and really just wanted to lock her in a room so that nobody else could play with her except him. Made her delete facebook because there were pictures of her going out...she couldn't have any friends that were guys...would monitor her chat history to see who she was talking to...would always start fights at bars with anybody that tried to talk to her...just bizarre stuff that is completely opposite of me. After about 2 months of dating she brings up the exclusive talk since she was about to head to London for a week and wanted to make sure we were on the same page so that she wouldn't be disappointed to hear I hooked up with someone while she was gone. I agreed to be exclusive and we talked during her whole trip. 3 days after coming home she tells me that she talked with the ex for a few hours the night before and that he really sounded "the most mature that Ive ever heard him". Obviously you can imagine the rest...she became distant and then a week later asked me to back off a bit because she still has feelings for him and needs time to figure it out. She said that if she is thinking logically there is no way she chooses him over me and that she is afraid of losing me. So I give her the time and space she asks for but she ends up messaging me a week later saying that she has decided to give the ex another chance. I told her that I understood her decision and that while I obviously think it is a mistake, I will respect her choice. We haven't spoken since (it's been about 1.5 months) but in that time her roommate/friend has messaged me about how much she has changed and how getting back with him as impacted all of her friendships, as they all hated the guy. She even tried to arrange a "chance encounter" so that the girl and I would run into each other one night but I told her that wasn't a good idea since I don't want to manipulate her into being with me. Anyways the things that keep bugging me, even after this long are why did she ask to be exclusive only to remove it right after?....why did she choose her ex over me?...will she ever realize that she screwed up?...and is it ok to keep talking with the roommate about how she is doing or is that over-stepping the line? Unfortunately I think I already know the answers to my questions but I have seen how supportive you guys have been to others and just need some assurance that I am handling this correctly and that things will turn out alright for me. Look forward to any help you guys can provide! (BTW: I'm 25 she's 24 if that matters)
Radu Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) She wanted both of you to be exclusive not because she liked you, but because she wanted you there in your place. You were an asset, a tool she used when dealing with her ex. The distancing part was her mind preparing herself for leaving, so she wouldn't suffer for it, see herself as bad. As for rebounds, if : - she talks about how different you are from her ex, constantly compares things to how it was with him - does the future faking thing, makes long term plans with you, wants to move things quickly, sees a future together with you ... it means it's a rebound, look up 'future faking'. -- I hope you get the ideea from this, she used you, and so did her friends. Girls at her age are very dependent on what their friends think, and their friends tend to meddle in their affairs [like they tried]. Edited August 14, 2012 by Radu
SoulSearcher22 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) ************************ She wanted both of you to be exclusive not because she liked you, but because she wanted you there in your place. You were an asset, a tool she used when dealing with her ex. The distancing part was her mind preparing herself for leaving, so she wouldn't suffer for it, see herself as bad. As for rebounds, if : - she talks about how different you are from her ex, constantly compares things to how it was with him - does the future faking thing, makes long term plans with you, wants to move things quickly, sees a future together with you ... it means it's a rebound, look up 'future faking'. -- ************************** ^ Exactly what my ex did in my situation a few months ago (which i'm still getting over) when she took her ex back. I REALLY wish I would have been on this site when we first met...could have saved me a lot of heartache. Please listen to this post. It's funny how similar the actions of the girl who is pursuing a rebound. Every post about a rebound I've read on here has literally done the same thing. It's crazy. Edited August 14, 2012 by SoulSearcher22
Author Push_Through_It Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Radu- I think you're exactly right in that I was just a tool she was using to replace a void. We never really did the future faking or long-term planning but I think that's because she retracted her desire to be exclusive so quickly. As for her friends they have actually always been on my team from the beginning. They hated her ex and would always tell her how great I was and how happy she seemed to be. I think this actually hurt my chances because it almost made her want to prove them wrong and show them that things with the ex are better than they think. SoulSearcher- I looked into more threads about rebounds and you're right. Every story sounds exactly the same and not once have I come across somebody that was used as a rebound and then had a successful relationship with the person down the road. Time to push through it and move forward! Thanks guys.
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