not wanting kids

August 14, 2012

It is just so annoying that people treat me as if something is wrong with me because I don't want children. I respect their choice to have children, so I just wish they could respect mine to not have them.

You just have to realize that it comes from a good place. My child brings me SOOOO much joy and happiness, and if I were to ever try to convince you to change your mind, it would be because I would want that joy and happiness for you too.

So consider the intentions of the people bringing it up, and learn to shrug off any comments. In the end, it's your life and it doesn't matter what they think about your choices anyway.

August 14, 2012

It's possible that I have as many kids as everyone else in this thread put together, and I can't imagine taking time to care whether anyone else wants kids or not.

August 15, 2012

My mother used to make a pitiful face (she was good at it, too!) and ask me "when am I gonna see some grandkids?"

Know how I finally shut her up? By answering "when you go out and buy them on the black market".

She sulked and gave me a dirty look.

August 15, 2012

Before spreading pre-packaged wisdom, why don't you look up both MCF's and pink_sugar's old threads about their families.
Or better yet dreamingoftigers's threads, or ask woggle about his mom.
Some ppl have taken so much abuse that 'not have existed' becomes a good option in their lives, and are absolutely horrified at spreading the same things to their kids.

Maybe, just maybe, you will understand it.
Hope u get me, ma homie !

Exactly, Radu! I get your point madjac74, but this thread and the posts aren't intended to be about resenting them for being born. It's to make a point that choosing not to have children isn't selfish at all. What's selfish is parents who carelessly have children they don't want or cannot provide for emotionally or financially. I do agree that efforts can be made not to repeat the same pattern to one's own children, but it is a long and difficult process and there are also other genetic factors to consider as well such as mental illnesses running rampant in families that you need to be prepared for. Such as (bi-polar, depression, OCD and generalized anxiety) in my family as well as ADD and ADHD in my brother and father.

August 15, 2012

I apologize for misunderstanding the thread but I tend to get a bit passionate as a father. Long ago I honestly wanted nothing to do with kids and couldn't stand being around them and I am often terrified that I am not being the best dad i can and that I'm going to emotionally scar my kids somehow. In fact when my daughter was born and the first time I held her at the hospital, they had to show me how to hold her. I thought for sure I was going to break her. In the end (though I still dont really like other people's kids), being a father is the best thing i have ever done.

I know people who want no part of having kids and i respect that totally. Even though I think they are missing out on something, it is certainly more responsible than all the people who continue to have kids despite not wanting them.

August 15, 2012

PS: I'm not your homie.

Thank goodness! Then don't call me it. Scroll up if you are confused

August 15, 2012

First off, El Brujo, I LOVE your response to your mom. Haha! Do people not realize how rude it is to go up to somebody and ask, "So, when are you having kids?" We're already getting this question and we're just engaged. I think FSIL has a strange love-hate relationship going on.

On the one hand, I don't think she likes me - on the other, she's sort of in this dreamworld where I think she thinks she gets to orchestrates everybody else's reproductive choices, and believes our kids will be best friends.

I do wonder how much easier it is for a guy to get a vasectomy than it is for women to get their tubes tied. Can any guys weigh in? I've had friends who have variously told me their doctors won't tie their tubes until they're 24, 25, 26 or 28. One relative claimed her insurance wouldn't let her get her tubes tied unless she was either a certain age, or she had had four kids.

I have a friend who has two children and her doctor refuses to discuss getting her tubes tied until she's 26. She's been adamant for well over a year that she's done having children.

I'm in my mid-20s and undecided about having kids. I used to feel much more strongly about having them, when I was in my early 20s. My mom was always baby-sitting so I feel like I've more or less raised everybody's kids from the time I was small. I play an active role in semi-raising my 6-year-old cousin, since my cousin made the choice to get pregnant by a deadbeat, and now works two jobs trying to support her son.

It's very rewarding. I love my cousin to pieces and can't conceive of a kid who is greater than he is. But taking on that responsibility full-time for the rest of my life? Ehh. I know that parenting never really ends, even if 'active' parenting does.

I like the idea that I can do whatever I want, more or less. I don't have to worry about baby-sitters or face taking a screaming toddler to a restaurant, the movies, the store. I can travel and I don't have to worry about towing a kid along the entire way. Don't get me wrong - I've seen kids who behave poorly and kids who behave well (my cousin among them), but still.

I think that I would make a good parent. But I like the idea of co-parenting some of my relative's kids, and at the end of the night, going home childless.

For me personally, I really think I could go either way - but I would be a bit happier without children. It's the opposite for fiancee, so I guess we'll see what happens.

When I was a teenager - and I feel bad about this, as I didn't know any better - I used to pester my brother and new SIL about when they were having kids. It was partly that I didn't know how rude it was to ask and partly that I was so excited about the prospect of being an aunt. But more than 8 years later, and they are now in their 30s, they still don't have kids. I've given up on the dream years ago!

But for them, it's the best choice. Not that this applies to ALL childless couples, but I can say with authority that in SIL's case, she just doesn't have the traits that are important in having a kid. She's childish, very selfish, and wants all eyes on her all of the time. Yikes!

I am crafting my excuses about children for my in-laws now. I have seriously considered faking crying and then saying, I'M INFERTILE! before running away. Should get the message across quickly not to ask. And then, if I ever get pregnant, I will say, "Wow, what a miracle!"

August 15, 2012

My ex would no sooner rip out her own ovaries with a dull spoon than have children. When people gave her a hard time about it she would just reply that she was barren and start crying. That usually shut them up in short order.

August 15, 2012

When I was a teenager - and I feel bad about this, as I didn't know any better - I used to pester my brother and new SIL about when they were
I am crafting my excuses about children for my in-laws now. I have seriously considered faking crying and then saying, I'M INFERTILE! before running away. Should get the message across quickly not to ask. And then, if I ever get pregnant, I will say, "Wow, what a miracle!"

Oh, I can see someone already posted this!

August 15, 2012

First off, El Brujo, I LOVE your response to your mom. Haha! Do people not realize how rude it is to go up to somebody and ask, "So, when are you having kids?" We're already getting this question and we're just engaged. I think FSIL has a strange love-hate relationship going on.

We got this as well! It was especially annoying since I was only 19...I'm 23 now and still don't want kids for at least another 4-5 years. Why can't people just enjoy their marriage? I also had people assume I was pregnant when we were engaged.

August 15, 2012

It's pure jealousy. They wish they had all the free time, extra cash, and much less stressful life that you have.

'Wah wah wah! It's not fair, I'm stuck with kids while you're childfree!'

August 15, 2012

Why is it such a bad thing when people say they don't want children? I am so tired of people saying to me, "Oh you will change you're mind one day, just wait and see.". No, No I won't. I don't want children and I don't understand why people seem to think its ok to look down on me for my decision. I don't look down on people who decide they want children, so why can't they leave me alone and let me be childless and happy?

You're not alone!! I've been told the ''Oh you'll change your mind one day, it's normal'' ever since I was 18.

7 years later (I'm now 25) and I still don't want kids. I'm not changing so yes it's so annoying.

August 15, 2012

I saw someone on a tech site hijack a discussion by bragging about his parenthood status, saying a couple of times, "You're not a man until you've become a father." So, what - graduating from college, starting a business, finishing a book doesn't count? I had to get rid of that ******* but I'm sure he was happy to say to the female posters that 'you're not a woman until you're pregnant'. Or go one step further and say it to our faces.../rant

August 15, 2012

Why is it such a bad thing when people say they don't want children? I am so tired of people saying to me, "Oh you will change you're mind one day, just wait and see.". No, No I won't. I don't want children and I don't understand why people seem to think its ok to look down on me for my decision. I don't look down on people who decide they want children, so why can't they leave me alone and let me be childless and happy?

So, humans are intensely social animals and they like to check in with each other on their journey and life relative to others. That necessarily leads to a certain amount of normative compliance in every culture and subculture. For that reason, I think people should be cut some slack the first time they ask. They're just being humans.

However, the "Oh you will change you're mind one day, just wait and see," line is just the sort of smug "I know you better than you know yourself" nonsense that makes me wish I could switch species.

August 16, 2012

However, the "Oh you will change you're mind one day, just wait and see," line is just the sort of smug "I know you better than you know yourself" nonsense that makes me wish I could switch species.

This. This is what use to rankle me the most when I had decided I didn't want kids. I'm hard put to think of anything more condescending than someone telling me that what I've decided is absolutely going to change, whether that's the norm or not.

I get that child-bearers/rearers mean well, but this is one comment I really wish they'd learn to keep to themselves. I say this as someone who's now decided to have children lol.

August 16, 2012

First off, El Brujo, I LOVE your response to your mom.

Yeah, well... it took a bit of rude reminding that I'm her SON, not her prize breeding stallion.

Though I wouldn't mind getting a 4-figure stud fee...

I have seriously considered faking crying and then saying, I'M INFERTILE! before running away. Should get the message across quickly not to ask.

That would only work if you're one of those syrupy-sappy "feelers" to begin with. It helps to be able to make a sad, pitiful face (like a puppy who's just been scolded). My late mother used to make a very pitiful face, but she never melted my heart with it... my aunt told me to my face once that I have a very hard heart.

And you know what? She's right! >:-D

August 16, 2012

I'm hard put to think of anything more condescending than someone telling me that what I've decided is absolutely going to change, whether that's the norm or not.

Yeah, I'm racking my brains trying to think of something more condescending, but I'm drawing a blank.

August 16, 2012

I apologize for misunderstanding the thread but I tend to get a bit passionate as a father. Long ago I honestly wanted nothing to do with kids and couldn't stand being around them and I am often terrified that I am not being the best dad i can and that I'm going to emotionally scar my kids somehow. In fact when my daughter was born and the first time I held her at the hospital, they had to show me how to hold her. I thought for sure I was going to break her. In the end (though I still dont really like other people's kids), being a father is the best thing i have ever done.

I know people who want no part of having kids and i respect that totally. Even though I think they are missing out on something, it is certainly more responsible than all the people who continue to have kids despite not wanting them.

My husband was also reluctant about how he would be able to handle having a child. He didn't think he would be a great Dad.

It was funny after she was born. We were both so casual about it. The doctors and nurses kept asking us if she was our first. The one resident told us that usually only 2nd and onward parents are so comfortable with their newborns. My husband and I laughed about it because it was the most normal thing we'd ever done was to have a kid.

She's great. It has been every bit the impact described by others. And it's pretty big and special.

I think a lot if people would make better parents than they think, then others.....well....I've seen that too. Like the kids "owe" them something. Bizarre.

I don't think it'd ever be my place to try to "sell" parenthood though.

Although I honestly don't think it's a good idea to be a stepparent without having been a parent first. My friends are now getting to the age where there are the occasional step-parent relationships. Without knowing that bond's depth on a personal level that the parents have with their kids, a lot of those younger, inexperienced "step-parents" are almost competing with the kids for Mom or Dad's attention.

August 16, 2012

This. This is what use to rankle me the most when I had decided I didn't want kids. I'm hard put to think of anything more condescending than someone telling me that what I've decided is absolutely going to change, whether that's the norm or not.

I get that child-bearers/rearers mean well, but this is one comment I really wish they'd learn to keep to themselves. I say this as someone who's now decided to have children lol.

I was told 10 years before I had my girl that I would not be able to conceive. I was kind of leaning towards not having kids anyway. My husband and I agreed that we would have one if I got pregnant (which I thought was impossible anyway).

So I decided, "yay, I'm childless, let's go see the world etc etc etc."

We got four dogs. We travelled. We had a blast. I wasn't a "breeder."

Then I had a miscarriage. Oh boy. That sucked. But it showed that I could conceive.

So a few years later I went to a naturopath to see about options because h and I were more interested in the possibility of having a kid. He had just moved to Ontario to start university, I was supposed to follow six weeks later. The naturopath gave me some herbs and I started barfing my guts out ......everywhere.

I stopped the herbs after a couple weeks and the sickness didn't stop. Turns out I had already been pregnant for about six weeks earlier than the naturopath visit.

It's weird because I often feel that childfree people have labelled me as prejudiced toward them all having children etc etc like I wouldn't understand that perspective. I think it's myopic to assume that because one does or doesn't have a child that they wouldn't understand the other side of the fence.

Yes, my life has changed drastically, but I think it's overall a net positive effect. That isn't universal for everyone. As well, if I hadn't gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have felt that I was "missing" something. I probably would have thought "hey, extra spending money, yay."

August 16, 2012

It's weird because I often feel that childfree people have labelled me as prejudiced toward them all having children etc etc like I wouldn't understand that perspective. I think it's myopic to assume that because one does or doesn't have a child that they wouldn't understand the other side of the fence.

I agree that some childfree people see child bearers/rearers as prejudiced against them, and vice versa.

I also get that someone who has children can understand and appreciate why others wouldn't want to have children. Same applies for childless people assessing child-bearers. In fact, I think most people fall into this lot, including "change your mind" commenters. After all, they were likely in the same shoes of not wanting children at some point prior to deciding to have children.

It's one thing, however, to say that it's likely someone will change their mind, and quite another to assert that someone will - infallibly - change their minds. No one person can guarantee the state of mind of another beyond a shadow of a doubt at any given time, and to hear someone attempt to do so in respect to their own state of mind - whatever the motivation - just rubs most decisive folks the wrong way, even if we know rationally that their assertion has no effect on our decision.

August 16, 2012

Well I'm 21 now, so that probably has something to do with it. I think I'd be a pretty horrible father. I can barely take care of myself! Imagine having to look after a child. What a disaster that would be.

I don't think I'm quite ready to give up my lifestyle. I work long, hard hours in the laboratory (although I come and go as I please) and it's the flexibility I like the most. Want to work till 10pm on a project? Yep. Want to leave early so I can start the weekend fishing early? Sure thing. Want to sleep in on Sunday and not get up for anything? Absolutely. I can just pack my bags and go on a road trip anytime I want to. I just purchased a new sports car. I just can't see myself having kids now, or any time in the forseeable future really. I really don't want to give up the way I'm living right now. I just shudder when I think of the daily pick up from school, having to give up whole evenings on homework, driving the kids everywhere, having to spend heaps of money, not being able to come and go as I please, and worst of all... 3am diaper changes. It just feels so restrictive.

That's basically the reason I don't want kids, and it's more or less shared by my girlfriend. Will that change in the future? Maybe, who knows. But right now it would be a prison sentence for me. Am I selfish? Probably.

September 13, 2012

I couldnt agree with you more. I am on the opposite side of the spectrum but one of the most disturbing things to hear a mother say is "are you sure you want to be a mother? They are hard work." Uhhhhm, yup, pretty sure... thanks for double and triple checking just in case I didnt think it over in 28 years. Dude, Im 28... I think I have decided whether or not I "want" children by now. It really is a want factor to me. Do I need children? No... would I love to have them? Yes, of course. That doesnt mean everyone needs to share my desires. Its offensive when people judge anyone based on what you want for your life.

Kudos to you for standing up and saying it out loud. I know dealing with infertility myself, I have suffered the brunt of some pretty ridiculous comments about it taking a long time to conceive and having time to really think children through... Or the *******s who ask when babies are coming because my partner and I have been together forever. That to me is intimate and personal. Asking when someone is going to have a baby is like asking how often someone is having unprotected sex with their partner. Its rude. You never really know the circumstances either. I have found blunt comments work best. They dont have to be rude, but just to the point.

If you do not want children, you should not have to defend that and I wish there wasnt a stigma attached to not wanting to be a mother. Youre not evil! Youre not a horrible person. You are not crazy and people need to stop trying to convince you your feelings will change. It is absolutely acceptable and completely and utterly your choice, well, because its your life!

September 13, 2012

Eclypse - I do not think it is selfish at all for you to feel this way. You are feeling the way any normal 21 year old should feel at this time. Your feelings may change. My bestfriend decided at 27 that he wanted to settle down and have kids. He was absolutely against having any children before that point, but as he got older, he saw himself sharing more of his life, finding a woman, settling down and having kids together.

I dont think someone is selfish for not wanting children anymore than someone is selfish FOR wanting them. I actually think people who want children are more selfish. I mean, when you ask people why they want children, it is almost always a selfish answer (to carry on my legacy and my beliefs, so my offspring will be better than me, so I can have a family, a family member is dying and it would be nice to give "grandpa" a chance to meet their grandchild before they passed away...)

September 13, 2012

This is something I have to genuinely wrestle with in my current relationship...my girlfriend is 18 years older than me, and I'm 28...we both agreed that kids would be out of the question for us, and I have dealt with it So far by just not thinking about it...but she worries that one day I'll just get the itch to have a kid...then I tell her not to worry, I'll just think about the little bastard who wouldn't stop crying on the plane and say f*ck that...

September 13, 2012

There have been times I admit I've considered not having children due to mental illnesses running rampantly in our family. Bi-polar, depression etc etc. I've never understood why so many young women rush into having kids post high school. My mom told me last night how great she thinks it is that more schools are dedicating to teen moms and having more shows glorifying teen pregnancies. I think it's a huge deal, because your life is forever changed before you even know what it's like to be independent and on your own. My mom had kids because she wanted to love and be loved and get all the attention as a pregnant teen (18). I am so glad I have never acted on having children during the phases I've had of wanting them. There's no reason to rush into having kids, especially when you are not ready financially or emotionally. But she would have totally condoned me being a pregnant teen and being conservative socially, I am glad I was raised by my dad who emphasized birth control and not having children you weren't ready for.

Sign In

not wanting kids

Recommended Posts

pteromom

GorillaTheater

El Brujo

pink_sugar

madjac74

madjac74

RiverRunning

Jethro

Jethro

pink_sugar

Ross MwcFan

samsungxoxo

mario_C

RickyLovesLucy

Almond_Joy

El Brujo

RickyLovesLucy

dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

Almond_Joy

Eclypse

ForeverHopeful1

ForeverHopeful1

USMCHokie

pink_sugar

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...