AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I was talking about scars Being very overweight would be much more of a turn off. If anything, I would feel empathy for you for being ill and needing surgery. I was very overweight. I lost the weight because I was tired of feeling like crap. I had no one to blame but myself. I know I was teasing you. I was ill, kinda still am not out of the woods yet but thank you.
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I honestly don't know. How do you draw the line between validation and appreciation? They are both the same thing coming from the "validator," but they are interpreted differently by the recipient of that appreciation, right? And you never addressed my question of whether it's normal to be more enthusiastic about a person who is enthusiastic about you and appreciates the qualities you find in yourself...Must admit you're frustrating since you refuse to grasp the distinction, instead, determined to undermine the concepts and spin excess need as normative behaviour. So, without further ado, here are my definitions of the distinction between the two: Validation = tons of external compliments that the recipient can't live without. Appreciation = expresses it here and there where the recipient can live without it when it's not being expressed. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 But isn't this just external validation counter to your original self-worth that has caused you to reassess your self-worth based on that validation? I thought this was frowned upon... I am probably not a good person to ask because I tend to be rather insecure myself. I do believe that everyone needs some level of external validation (when it comes to work and other areas of life as well, not just dating). When that need becomes excessive that's when there is a problem. 1
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Hokie what I think TBF is trying to say is that you need to live your life happy in your own skin without anyone having to point out your all your good attributes. You yourself should know them and be confident about them. Have a humble attitude if someone goes out of their way to point out a trait you possess say thank you and be appreciative.
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Must admit you're frustrating since you refuse to grasp the distinction, instead, determined to undermine the concepts and spin excess need as normative behaviour. So, without further ado, here are my definitions of the distinction between the two: Validation = tons of external compliments that the recipient can't live without. Appreciation = expresses it here and there where the recipient can live without it when it's not being expressed. Sorry, but I can't agree with your overly narrow definition of validation...it's more than mere compliments. It includes actions and really any external feedback that verifies, or objects to, a certain view you have of yourself.
Star Gazer Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Counselor in the world of dating I would have to disagree, the women I have dated, went on dates with put much emphasis on the looks physique factor. I worked very hard to get where I am today not impress anyone, but I wasnt feeling good about myself. Physique and scars are not the same thing, friend. My SO has a large side-abdominal scar. A battle wound. It's nothing.
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Sorry, but I can't agree with your overly narrow definition of validation...it's more than mere compliments. It includes actions and really any external feedback that verifies, or objects to, a certain view you have of yourself.Somedude, is that you? I give up. Have a nice evening! 1
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Hokie what I think TBF is trying to say is that you need to live your life happy in your own skin without anyone having to point out your all your good attributes. You yourself should know them and be confident about them. Have a humble attitude if someone goes out of their way to point out a trait you possess say thank you and be appreciative. Well of course. I have no qualms with the basic purpose and high value of confidence combined with humility. But again, no one has addressed my question of whether it's normative behavior to simply be more enthusiastic about a person who is enthusiastic and appreciative of you? I feel like everyone's avoiding the question because they would say yes, it is normal...
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Well of course. I have no qualms with the basic purpose and high value of confidence combined with humility. But again, no one has addressed my question of whether it's normative behavior to simply be more enthusiastic about a person who is enthusiastic and appreciative of you? I feel like everyone's avoiding the question because they would say yes, it is normal... Based on my definitions, your question becomes irrelevant. :facepalm: 1
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Physique and scars are not the same thing, friend. My SO has a large side-abdominal scar. A battle wound. It's nothing. I have battle wounds (shrapnel) which dissipated over time and abdominal scars from my surgery. I actually lost more weight and muscle due to not being able to work out. Not happy.
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Well of course. I have no qualms with the basic purpose and high value of confidence combined with humility. But again, no one has addressed my question of whether it's normative behavior to simply be more enthusiastic about a person who is enthusiastic and appreciative of you? I feel like everyone's avoiding the question because they would say yes, it is normal... I dont think its a blanket answer. Everyones dynamics are different. Not everyone is secure with themselves. You will get different answers from different people. I required external validation for about 3 weeks. After that I decided that I didnt need it.
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Based on my definitions, your question becomes irrelevant. :facepalm: I would tend to disagree. Appreciation = expresses it here and there where the recipient can live without it when it's not being expressed. Ok, so by your definition, you can live without when it's not being expressed. But how do you feel when it is expressed...? Indifference?
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 I dont think its a blanket answer. Everyones dynamics are different. Not everyone is secure with themselves. You will get different answers from different people. I required external validation for about 3 weeks. After that I decided that I didnt need it. Based on TBF's definition, it stops being validation the moment you know you possess that quality and no longer need said validation as proof to yourself. At which point, any positive external feedback becomes appreciation, which is not needed. Does appreciation make you feel anything other than indifference?
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I would tend to disagree.You disagreeing doesn't make it any more or less true. Ok, so by your definition, you can live without when it's not being expressed. But how do you feel when it is expressed...? Indifference?You've done it again. Totally ignored what I wrote. Everyone enjoys feeling appreciated (note the word appreciated). Not everyone needs a ton of external validation (note the word validation). I shouldn't have to express the same bloody concepts a million times to Sunday.
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 You've done it again. Totally ignored what I wrote. Everyone enjoys feeling appreciated (note the word appreciated). Not everyone needs a ton of external validation (note the word validation). This suggests that everyone feels more enjoyment from being appreciated than from never being appreciated. Therefore, logic would dictate that a relationship where one feels more appreciated is more enjoyable than a relationship where one is appreciated less or not at all...?
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 This suggests that everyone feels more enjoyment from being appreciated than from never being appreciated. Therefore, logic would dictate that a relationship where one feels more appreciated is more enjoyable than a relationship where one is appreciated less or not at all...?And round we go, back to the line in the sand between appreciation and validation and what's emotionally healthy and what's not.
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Based on TBF's definition, it stops being validation the moment you know you possess that quality and no longer need said validation as proof to yourself. At which point, any positive external feedback becomes appreciation, which is not needed. Does appreciation make you feel anything other than indifference? I dont feel indifference. I might get some warm fuzzies but thats is at far as it gets. But you also have to take it from the source. Self worth is determined by you and you only.
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 And round we go, back to the line in the sand between appreciation and validation and what's emotionally healthy and what's not. No, you've established that line with your previous definition, and I'll agree to stipulate it. The moment you truly believe in and know a quality you possess and no longer require external feedback verifying it, is when it is no longer "validation." Anything after that is merely "appreciation," i.e., the icing and sprinkles on the proverbial cake. The line becomes defined by the moment of you truly believe.
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 No, you've established that line with your previous definition, and I'll agree to stipulate it. The moment you truly believe in and know a quality you possess and no longer require external feedback verifying it, is when it is no longer "validation." Anything after that is merely "appreciation," i.e., the icing and sprinkles on the proverbial cake. The line becomes defined by the moment of you truly believe.Note part of my definition of appreciation is hearing it here and there. As an example, pretend I like my hands (don't really care about them in real life ). If someone's forever complimenting me on my hands, it starts to get annoying.
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Note part of my definition of appreciation is hearing it here and there. You seem to be very focused on verbal communication of validation/appreciation. What are your thoughts of actions reflecting validation/appreciation?
MrCastle Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Note part of my definition of appreciation is hearing it here and there. As an example, pretend I like my hands (don't really care about them in real life ). If someone's forever complimenting me on my hands, it starts to get annoying. I don't know, dude. There are some body parts I wouldn't mind having talked about on a daily basis. That's for sure. 1
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I don't know, dude. There are some body parts I wouldn't mind having talked about on a daily basis. That's for sure. Thats what Jeffrey Dahmer said lol jk.
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 You seem to be very focused on verbal communication of validation/appreciation. What are your thoughts of actions reflecting validation/appreciation?Give a concrete example of this.
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I don't know, dude. There are some body parts I wouldn't mind having talked about on a daily basis. That's for sure.This would annoy me no end. Guys who constantly compliment parts of my body.
MrCastle Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 This would annoy me no end. Guys who constantly compliment parts of my body. I ever tell you how much I love your ass?
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