johan Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Objectively remarkable. You must be intentionally missing the point of my inquiry. Love is, however, pretty much by definition subjective. So objective assessments are not very relevant. 1
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Objectively remarkable. You must be intentionally missing the point of my inquiry.What exact answer are you looking for, hokie?
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Did not intend to bring up any of your own insecurities, just illustrating a point. I noticed that I felt more enthusiastic about the women who showed such appreciation than those who were ambivalent to my humor, intelligence, physique, etc. My question is whether it's normal to feel this way, or is it a neurologically embedded "need" for external validation that TBF brought up yesterday? I am not at all upset you brought it up, you actually got me thinking that I am going to have to maybe up my game to kind of make up for my hideous scars and physique.
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 I noticed that I felt more enthusiastic about the women who showed such appreciation than those who were ambivalent to my humor, intelligence, physique, etc. My question is whether it's normal to feel this way, or is it a neurologically embedded "need" for external validation that TBF brought up yesterday? What exact answer are you looking for, hokie? It was actually prompted by what you spoke of yesterday regarding how our brains are mapped early in life. Is it normal to feel more enthusiastic about those who demonstrate appreciation of what we appreciate in ourselves, i.e., external validation?
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 It was actually prompted by what you spoke of yesterday regarding how our brains are mapped early in life. Is it normal to feel more enthusiastic about those who demonstrate appreciation of what we appreciate in ourselves, i.e., external validation?It's all by degrees. Needing a lot of it to believe yourself capable, is destined for failure. You can easily be torn down since there's insufficient ability to self-sooth.
johan Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 External validation seems to be a critical concept for you, Hokie. How much of it do you need?
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 I am not at all upset you brought it up, you actually got me thinking that I am going to have to maybe up my game to kind of make up for my hideous scars and physique. Ok, now here's another question I have based on what another member posted earlier: I found that when someone sees your weaknesses as strengths...you are onto a keeper. If a girl you were dating told you how remarkable your body is or otherwise acted to reflected such a view, how would you react given that you believe it to be: "hideous scars and physique"?
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 External validation seems to be a critical concept for you, Hokie. How much of it do you need? I actually don't know if I need it at all. It's just been something that has been perpetually thrown at me in my time at LS, so it will certainly form a bit of a complex. And it's something I'm particularly interested in, since all the self-help and confidence literature I've read has praised the value and importance of external validation.
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Did not intend to bring up any of your own insecurities, just illustrating a point. I noticed that I felt more enthusiastic about the women who showed such appreciation than those who were ambivalent to my humor, intelligence, physique, etc. My question is whether it's normal to feel this way, or is it a neurologically embedded "need" for external validation that TBF brought up yesterday? I dont know not everyone is wired the same. I think peoples insecurities dictate how much validation they need. Not to sound like a douche but thats how i feel. If you are comfortable in your own skin then validation is not necessary. That doesnt mean that if you are dating someone and they do something to blatantly disrespect your character you should seek validation or clarification.
johan Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I actually don't know if I need it at all. It's just been something that has been perpetually thrown at me in my time at LS, so it will certainly form a bit of a complex. And it's something I'm particularly interested in, since all the self-help and confidence literature I've read has praised the value and importance of external validation. Well, you bring it on yourself by putting up certain pictures. Maybe the problem you're having is dealing with the fact that it's shallow and false and really not very satisfying. And therefore it doesn't do much for your ego. If anything it weakens it. 2
Star Gazer Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Objectively remarkable. There are very few traits, other than Bolt's speed, that are objectively remarkable. Everyone values different things.
Star Gazer Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Well, the woman I'm with now actually appreciates what I consider my strengths more than anyone I've ever dated. And these are things she's identified on her own, and they happen to match all the things I value about myself. The example I was going to use to illustrate this, as shallow as it may sound, is physique. There have been some girls who have been very ambivalent towards it, almost as if they don't notice it, whereas some, and especially the current one, greatly appreciate it, and their actions reflect this. Just as an example, if I were to remove my shirt, or have my shirt removed, prior to relations, the reaction coming from her is quite enthralling. Her jaw always drops, and she'll say something expressing her appreciation and desire, and then run her hands over the body in awe. Compare this with the reaction of someone who doesn't notice or doesn't care. Can you honestly say that one wouldn't be more appealing than the other to you? A 47 year old woman (your "lady friend") is going to respond quite differently to a 28 year old hard body than a 28 year old woman will. To a girl your own age, your physique is a dime a dozen. A 47 year old woman appreciates your body because most 47 year old men don't have it. And so, she appreciates something that will fade. Does that really make you feel good?
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Ok, now here's another question I have based on what another member posted earlier: If a girl you were dating told you how remarkable your body is or otherwise acted to reflected such a view, how would you react given that you believe it to be: "hideous scars and physique"? If it is in the context of a loving relationship, where I have gotten to know this person and believe that they are being sincere, I would feel loved and accepted. I would feel a bit better about my body too. 2
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I was going to make a thread about my surgery scars but i was too embarassed too. But its the reality of life. Someones going to have to accept it sooner or later.
Star Gazer Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Ok. I am about to let one of my recent insecurities out but who cares. Up until July 30, I lost 75 lbs. I gained a six pack, almost an 8 pack, not bragging, I put on muscle and I changed the way I looked completely. July 30 I had surgery, major surgery and I am healing currently which is why my post count is so high. I am petrified to take my shirt off due to the scars from the surgery. Now that is something I have to approach as it comes. Going to the beach is gonna suck. Whose going to want me ? Scars are nothin'.
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Hokie, everyone needs to feel appreciated. But how much validation would be enough? If it's a lot, it's what leads to viewing your partner as an accessory instead of a person that you love, who loves you back, as is. 2
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Scars are nothin'. Counselor in the world of dating I would have to disagree, the women I have dated, went on dates with put much emphasis on the looks physique factor. I worked very hard to get where I am today not impress anyone, but I wasnt feeling good about myself.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I was going to make a thread about my surgery scars but i was too embarassed too. But its the reality of life. Someones going to have to accept it sooner or later. That would not bother me one bit
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 That would not bother me one bit As beautiful as you are, I don't have a Masters Degree. <--ducking And I work a blue collar job and rent lol.
threebyfate Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Counselor in the world of dating I would have to disagree, the women I have dated, went on dates with put much emphasis on the looks physique factor. I worked very hard to get where I am today not impress anyone, but I wasnt feeling good about myself.Stop and reconsider. Is this all you are, a body, or do you have other qualities that you're happy with inside of you? This is where PUA fails. Not understanding that there's so much more to a man than just his physique. If women you're dating are focused on your looks and nothing else, it's exactly what women go through with men and they're exactly the men who aren't great long-term partner material. You want someone who will be with you, no matter what you look like and the reason for that, is because they love YOU, all of you.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 As beautiful as you are, I don't have a Masters Degree. <--ducking And I work a blue collar job and rent lol. I was talking about scars Being very overweight would be much more of a turn off. If anything, I would feel empathy for you for being ill and needing surgery.
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Hokie, everyone needs to feel appreciated. But how much validation would be enough? If it's a lot, it's what leads to viewing your partner as an accessory instead of a person that you love, who loves you back, as is. I honestly don't know. How do you draw the line between validation and appreciation? They are both the same thing coming from the "validator," but they are interpreted differently by the recipient of that appreciation, right? And you never addressed my question of whether it's normal to be more enthusiastic about a person who is enthusiastic about you and appreciates the qualities you find in yourself...
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Stop and reconsider. Is this all you are, a body, or do you have other qualities that you're happy with inside of you? Eh, just for the record, the physique was merely a single example which I felt best illustrated what I was trying to say. It was not intended to focus this solely on physique. I know I'm more than just a body, and she knows it too. She appreciates the other qualities just as much, if not more, than the body.
AlexCross Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Stop and reconsider. Is this all you are, a body, or do you have other qualities that you're happy with inside of you? This is where PUA fails. Not understanding that there's so much more to a man than just his physique. If women you're dating are focused on your looks and nothing else, it's exactly what women go through with men and they're exactly the men who aren't great long-term partner material. You want someone who will be with you, no matter what you look like and the reason for that, is because they love YOU, all of you. Of course there is so much more to me to offer that its not even funny, when I say date, it doesnt last long because their true colors come out and I have nothing in common with people like that. I am by no means a PUA.
Author USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 If it is in the context of a loving relationship, where I have gotten to know this person and believe that they are being sincere, I would feel loved and accepted. I would feel a bit better about my body too. But isn't this just external validation counter to your original self-worth that has caused you to reassess your self-worth based on that validation? I thought this was frowned upon...
Recommended Posts