lunat1ccc Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) I've been with my girlfriend for a few months before she got stationed in Europe. It has been over a month since she has been stationed there and will likely be there for 2 years. Things are going fairly great for us as we communicate often and we are both working on things that we can improve in the relationship (trust, better communication, etc.). Lately, the topic of her re-enlisting has emerged. She's been in service for almost a year and have just started her actual military job so I don't think she can re-enlist right away if she wanted, but she has brought up the topic today. She says she's not sure on what she wants to do because it's early on, but she did mention that it's steady pay and she wouldn't have to worry about what to do if she gets out of the military. But she's still unsure. So here's what's been bugging me if she re-enlists. I'm 24 and she's 20. If she does re-enlist, there's the possibility of her getting stationed overseas again, thus becoming another long distance. If she's stateside, it won't be as bad but there's always deployments. I'm career searching and it'd be tough on me (assuming we get married) to find a new job always near a military base and going wherever she gets stationed. I prefer not moving so much but that would mean being separate again. I really do love her and want the best for her and want what she wants to do. But it's so hard when I'm waiting for her and there's the possibility that she might re-enlist. Maybe I'm just over-thinking everything. But, I really do want to be with her and sometimes wished she would never re-enlist. Obviously I won't tell her that, but I really just want to spend my life with her, being right next to her. Is it wrong for me to feel like this? I don't want to be selfish but I do want to spend my life with her. I feel that I'm getting older and need to think more for the future and start planning ahead. I sometimes feel like I can't commit myself to her fully because of the unknown. Am I just worrying too much over something too early on? What's the best way to approach this issue, especially if she doesn't know whether she wants to re-enlist or not? What I do want is for us to settle down after she serves her enlistment, her going to school and us eventually marrying in a few years. What compromises can we reach? I really just feel lost and this has been on my mind. Edited August 14, 2012 by lunat1ccc
SoulSearcher22 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) I just got out of the Military. It is great for 3 things: Seeing the world, building a skill set foundation, and paying for college. Relationships is not one of them. I would try to convince her to do her original contract and then find a job in the civilian world doing what she did in the military. Probably will pay a lot more in the civilian world. It was in my case, by far. But thats me. I did not enjoy the Navy life. Found my first love in the Navy and we had to break it off mutually because she was sent to Italy and I was sent to Japan :-/ Deal breaker. Edited August 14, 2012 by SoulSearcher22
Author lunat1ccc Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 How do I approach her with this issue if she's not sure what she wants? I'm 24 and the next 2 years are very important for me. I'm not getting any younger and want to share at least a similar path with my girlfriend. I feel that it is risky losing 2 years; it's different for her because she's still young, but I'm at the age where I need to start planning my goals and start settling for my future, you know? And if I do bring it up and she simply brushes it off by saying she won't re-enlist, yet she changes her mind 2 years down the road, that will be a waste of my time. I'm just not sure how to approach this with her. I want to let her know that if she wants to re-enlist, then I can't do this. How can I approach her without sounding too aggressive and what can I do since I'll be in a "limbo" state since she doesn't know what she wants?
USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 How do I approach her with this issue if she's not sure what she wants? I'm 24 and the next 2 years are very important for me. I'm not getting any younger and want to share at least a similar path with my girlfriend. I feel that it is risky losing 2 years; it's different for her because she's still young, but I'm at the age where I need to start planning my goals and start settling for my future, you know? And if I do bring it up and she simply brushes it off by saying she won't re-enlist, yet she changes her mind 2 years down the road, that will be a waste of my time. I'm just not sure how to approach this with her. I want to let her know that if she wants to re-enlist, then I can't do this. How can I approach her without sounding too aggressive and what can I do since I'll be in a "limbo" state since she doesn't know what she wants? I have learned that no relationship, no matter how awful or inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, is a "waste of time." It will last however long it is meant to last. If you have a wonderful time with this person and enjoy the time you spend with her, then leave it at that and enjoy the next two years of your life with her. Cross that bridge of re-enlistment when you get to it. One of my esteemed LS colleagues made a great point to me...some people assume that it will hurt more down the road, so they nip it in the bud NOW. But how do you really know that? If you end things now, you might miss out on a wonderful two years with her...or you might create an issue now out of something that might not even be an issue in two years. Or maybe it will be easier to end things later if something happens where the two of you can let go of each other more easily. You simply have to prioritize what you want out of this life at this moment now. Do you cherish the time you spend with her enough to take the risk of being two years older when you have to find someone else? Or is the "future" more important to you that you'd rather have a sure thing that you can get started on now?
Author lunat1ccc Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 I just feel that I can't fully commit to her and the relationship because there isn't a definite end time to this long distance. She doesn't know if she WANTS to re-enlist. And if she does and gets stationed overseas again, I'll be at scratch again, doing this long distance thing again. It's hard because I really do love her, but I also want myself to find a stable job and stick with it long term, instead of having to go with her to her duty station. I'm trying to think long term and really want to work things out with this girl. How do I approach this problem? Am I just going to have to take a risk and find out when the time comes? It was juvenile to say that it'd be a waste of time, but I also want to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
USMCHokie Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I just feel that I can't fully commit to her and the relationship because there isn't a definite end time to this long distance. She doesn't know if she WANTS to re-enlist. And if she does and gets stationed overseas again, I'll be at scratch again, doing this long distance thing again. It's hard because I really do love her, but I also want myself to find a stable job and stick with it long term, instead of having to go with her to her duty station. I'm trying to think long term and really want to work things out with this girl. How do I approach this problem? Am I just going to have to take a risk and find out when the time comes? It was juvenile to say that it'd be a waste of time, but I also want to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I understand where you're coming from...I'm in the EXACT same situation as you...it's just that I'm the service member in my scenario...and I'm facing the same long distance indefinite timeline with a woman who has firmly established her roots where she lives. I didn't realize there was long distance already involved now...that makes it tough...if I were you, I'd cut loose and find someone who can settle down in one place that is closer to you...but I know emotions play into it and make it tough to make the right decision. If you were to advise me with the same guidance, I'd probably tell you to go pound sand too.... You're young, and at 24, the world is your oyster. You have to establish your life first before you can be a part of anyone else's. Unless you've got yourself taken care of already, you shouldn't revolve your life around someone else...it's a very risky proposition. If in two years time, you find yourself firmly settled in one location that you want to stay in, and she finds herself out of the military and looking for a place to explore, maybe that's when you should give her a call...but it's merely a suggestion from an objective third party.
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