PDA in front of friends/family - yes or no??? My date says NO, RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!

[dextm]

Last night I had a 2hr debate with a casual, exclusive girl I've been seeing for 2 months (soon to be gf if things work out the way they should) regarding PDA in front of friends/family. Let me make this clear - she is okay with showing PDA in front of strangers and being intimate in private, but she is NOT okay with PDA in front of friends/family.

 

What kind of specific PDA are we talking about?

 

-She doesn't want to hold hands in front of friends/family, but will consider doing so if it's a group date and all the other couples are holding hands

-She doesn't want to hug/peck when greeting/departing in front of friends/family, but will consider sneaking into a dark/hidden place to do it privately

-She won't like any random hugs, pecks, shoulder leans in front of friends/family

***The aforementioned things above will probably invoke some kind of negative reaction, and anything more (i.e. cuddle, French kiss, ass grab, body grab, body wrap) may result in death LOL

 

Her reasons (against):

 

1. It's unnecessary

2. It's unromantic

3. She just doesn't like it

 

My reasons (for):

 

1. I like her

2. It's customary, a formality

3. It might not be "romantic" in a sense, but it's natural, loving, and caring

4. Male ego, pride, marking territory

 

I already know this girl is unconventional, but does anyone feel she's taking it to a whole new level? I respect her 100% and all and this not a dealbreaker but I think it's a bit absurd that I can't even TOUCH her in front of friends. People hold hands all the time. People hug and kiss and say "Bye, goodnight" before they part ways. There is nothing wrong with that stuff and it's only normal. But to her it's like crucifiction. The end of the world.

 

She hates hugging in general but will unwillingly hug only her closest friends if they initiate first. Fine with me.... but why don't I get a hug (and more) IF I become her significant other (which makes me slightly above her closest friends)? What if she's cold? Or what it starts raining outside? I now have to think twice before comforting her, putting a jacket over her, pulling her close in fear that I will get slapped? It's only natural for me to love and care for those that I like, especially a significant other. And then there's male ego/pride for me. I could care less about what people think, but they should at the very least know that this girl is my girl and this guy is her guy. There's absolutely no reason we should depart the night looking like strangers when people know we're together.

 

Look...I'm not trying to force her to change anything. But I want her to just TRY and put forth some kind of effort. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. More importantly, I want to understand her thought process and logic but I'm failing miserably. She's a smart, intellectual girl but she makes absolutely zero sense in this case. Her arguments are weak. She's not articulating or explaining well enough. But what can I do?

 

My instinct tells me there's more at play than just a simple "because I don't like it so deal with it" BS. Is it part of social anxiety/social awkwardness? Can't be - she's a social butterfly just like me. Does she actually care what other people think/see (not admitting it)? Did she get hugged too much when she was a child? Maybe she never received any? Parents didn't love her? Abuse? Who knows.

 

This is killin' me! Thoughts?

Edited August 13, 2012 by dextm

[serial muse]

Last night I had a 2hr debate with a casual, exclusive girl I've been seeing for 2 months (soon to be gf if things work out the way they should) regarding PDA in front of friends/family. Let me make this clear - she is okay with showing PDA in front of strangers and being intimate in private, but she is NOT okay with PDA in front of friends/family.

 

What kind of specific PDA are we talking about?

 

-She doesn't want to hold hands in front of friends/family, but will consider doing so if it's a group date and all the other couples are holding hands

-She doesn't want to hug/peck when greeting/departing in front of friends/family, but will consider sneaking into a dark/hidden place to do it privately

-She won't like any random hugs, pecks, shoulder leans in front of friends/family

***The aforementioned things above will probably invoke some kind of negative reaction, and anything more (i.e. cuddle, French kiss, ass grab, body grab, body wrap) may result in death LOL

 

Her reasons (against):

 

1. It's unnecessary

2. It's unromantic

3. She just doesn't like it

 

My reasons (for):

 

1. I like her

2. It's customary, a formality

3. It might not be "romantic" in a sense, but it's natural, loving, and caring

4. Male ego, pride, marking territory

 

I already know this girl is unconventional, but does anyone feel she's taking it to a whole new level? I respect her 100% and all and this not a dealbreaker but I think it's a bit absurd that I can't even TOUCH her in front of friends. People hold hands all the time. People hug and kiss and say "Bye, goodnight" before they part ways. There is nothing wrong with that stuff and it's only normal. But to her it's like crucifiction. The end of the world.

 

She hates hugging in general but will unwillingly hug only her closest friends if they initiate first. Fine with me.... but why don't I get a hug (and more) IF I become her significant other (which makes me slightly above her closest friends)? What if she's cold? Or what it starts raining outside? I now have to think twice before comforting her, putting a jacket over her, pulling her close in fear that I will get slapped? It's only natural for me to love and care for those that I like, especially a significant other. And then there's male ego/pride for me. I could care less about what people think, but they should at the very least know that this girl is my girl and this guy is her guy. There's absolutely no reason we should depart the night looking like strangers when people know we're together.

 

Look...I'm not trying to force her to change anything. But I want her to just TRY and put forth some kind of effort. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. More importantly, I want to understand her thought process and logic but I'm failing miserably. She's a smart, intellectual girl but she makes absolutely zero sense in this case. Her arguments are weak. She's not articulating or explaining well enough. But what can I do?

 

My instinct tells me there's more at play than just a simple "because I don't like it so deal with it" BS. Is it part of social anxiety/social awkwardness? Can't be - she's a social butterfly just like me. Does she actually care what other people think/see (not admitting it)? Did she get hugged too much when she was a child? Maybe she never received any? Parents didn't love her? Abuse? Who knows.

 

This is killin' me! Thoughts?

 

Yeah, hard to say without knowing more about her, but my first thought was to wonder whether family/friends of hers have a habit of commenting negatively about people displaying physical affection in front of them. If, for example, her mother or father or best friend tends to made snide remarks about that sort of thing, that would tend to seep in. And if that's the case, maybe she isn't entirely consciously aware that she's afraid of their judgment. You might want to ask her about that; just a thought.

[dextm]

Yeah, hard to say without knowing more about her, but my first thought was to wonder whether family/friends of hers have a habit of commenting negatively about people displaying physical affection in front of them. If, for example, her mother or father or best friend tends to made snide remarks about that sort of thing, that would tend to seep in. And if that's the case, maybe she isn't entirely consciously aware that she's afraid of their judgment. You might want to ask her about that; just a thought.

 

She hates when friends around her do that kind of stuff. It makes her feel "uncomfortable". But why? She holds onto me like no tomorrow when we're alone walking in the park or shopping in a mall.......

[dextm]

bump, thoughst?

[SJC2008]

Mabye it's one of her "quirks" that you're going to have to accept about her if you wanna stay in a r with her. If it's a deal breaker for you find out why she feels that way and if she can meet you in the middle.

[dextm]

Are you in High School?

 

You really feel the need to cuddle, French kiss, ass grab in front of your family and friends? I don't even know what body grab, body wrap are.

 

You have heard the saying "Get A Room", right? You do know that most people want to engage with couples on an adult level, right?

 

Do you get a lot of pleasure and enjoy spending time with a couple when they are ignoring you and are getting it on directly in front of you?

 

Having said that, I agree with SJC2008.

 

Talk to her and see if a compromise can be worked out. If not, break up and look for someone who feels the same way about this as you do.

 

[/sarcasm] ummmmm haha

[veggirl]

Okay well you guys are like on complete polar opposite sides of this. She won't even engage in hand holding around people? And you want to freakin make out in front of people?

 

Neither of those would work for me.

 

A guy who won't even gimme a hello peck in front of friends/family would be too closed off for me.

 

A guy who wants to make out in front of friends/family would be too grabby for me.

 

There is a middle ground, you guys can't meet there..?

[pteromom]

Everyone has different boundaries. If she was brought up around people who don't show affection publicly, she can be very uncomfortable with it.

 

If she's open to any type of compromise, like maybe holding hands is always ok, great.

 

If she's not open to compromise, you have to decide whether you can accept her as she is or not.

 

I would be very angry if someone grabbed my butt or tried to make out with me in front of family. So I get the death offense thing.

[Leigh 87]

At first, my boyfriend thought it was rude and made people uncofmortable; he was very against PDA when he first met me.

 

However, while we are still not over the top in public, we cannot help hugging throughout the night occasionally, and giving a hug and kiss when walking past on the occasion.

 

I think even if it is against your nature, strong love can compell ou to give out a few hugs and kisses; just not over the top lie some couples who can't eep their hands off each other all night evry time they are around people:sick:

[Leigh 87]

Okay well you guys are like on complete polar opposite sides of this. She won't even engage in hand holding around people? And you want to freakin make out in front of people?

 

Neither of those would work for me.

 

A guy who won't even gimme a hello peck in front of friends/family would be too closed off for me.

 

A guy who wants to make out in front of friends/family would be too grabby for me.

 

There is a middle ground, you guys can't meet there..?

 

 

 

That is exactly how Andrew and I feel.... he gives me a peck and a hug in front of anyone - but is pretty averse to too grabby shows off affection, for instance; me grabbing his butt in front of people would embarrass him.

[Jamesblame]

Affection goes down to family upbringing. I grew up in a family that was very affectionate. others grow up in families that aren't that affectionate.

 

The best thing to do is have a talk and get both people on the same page. Then affectionate person has to respect their partner's desire to not be overly affectionate, while not affectionate one has to be respectful to their partner's choice to be affectionate.

 

Overall, it's important to understand that different people show love differently. As such, just learn how they express it, and then appreciate whenever they do. (Also do some self-sacrifice and show love the way they appreciate it once in a while.)

[serial muse]

The OP said that the PDAs in question are extremely minor - hand-holding and shoulder-leaning, for example. Ass-grabbing wasn't even on the table, so I think that is all irrelevant. This isn't about doing obscene stuff in front of people...we can all agree that that's inappropriate. It's about being willing to show small signs of affection. IMO, that isn't normal.

 

I stand by my original question. Is there some background of family remarking involved? OP, you responded to me by saying that she doesn't like it, but I still suggest you ask her what her family thinks. I suspect that's where the problem lies.

[dextm]

Okay well you guys are like on complete polar opposite sides of this. She won't even engage in hand holding around people? And you want to freakin make out in front of people?

 

Neither of those would work for me.

 

A guy who won't even gimme a hello peck in front of friends/family would be too closed off for me.

 

A guy who wants to make out in front of friends/family would be too grabby for me.

 

There is a middle ground, you guys can't meet there..?

 

I don't want to make out in front of anyone. The bare minimum I want in a relationship is hand holding and small pecks when we meet or separate. I'm not a demanding person and I'm willing to compromise. I get that she is an extremely private person.

 

The OP said that the PDAs in question are extremely minor - hand-holding and shoulder-leaning, for example. Ass-grabbing wasn't even on the table, so I think that is all irrelevant. This isn't about doing obscene stuff in front of people...we can all agree that that's inappropriate. It's about being willing to show small signs of affection. IMO, that isn't normal.

 

I stand by my original question. Is there some background of family remarking involved? OP, you responded to me by saying that she doesn't like it, but I still suggest you ask her what her family thinks. I suspect that's where the problem lies.

 

I haven't met her family, and she told me none of her ex'es have ever met her family. She's a very private person. I kinda threw in the "family" part with the friends part because I don't see a difference chilling with brothers/sisters/cousins/friends and your SO.

[cheerylowe24]

For me, PDA is not good in front of Parents.. but in friends it depends what you guys doing... Sex is not good doing in front of parents and friends... LOL

[serial muse]

I haven't met her family, and she told me none of her ex'es have ever met her family. She's a very private person. I kinda threw in the "family" part with the friends part because I don't see a difference chilling with brothers/sisters/cousins/friends and your SO.

 

Hmm. Given the fact that she hasn't even introduced previous people to her family, I really suspect that her family's judgment is behind the issue, somehow.

 

But that doesn't help you much. I guess all I can say is, to me, it's not normal to reject even holding hands in front of friends. I wouldn't be OK with it.