lunat1ccc Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I am currently in a LDR with my Army girlfriend who is stationed in Europe. We have been together for a few months before she had to leave. It's been almost 2 months since she has left the States to Europe. Anyway, she is currently in a unit that is infantry. She tells me that the people there are mostly all males, so she only hangs out with male friends. She has two close male friends, whom she tells me are strictly friends and nothing else. How do I stop being insecure when she only hangs out and has male friends? She does have a female friend whom they've been best friends forever, and she does visit her once a month since she lives about an hour away. But for the most part, my girlfriend hangs out with her male friends, goes to their room to hang out, etc. Sometimes, I feel neglected because she works with her male friends, hangs with them after work, and then we only usually get to Skype about an hour before her bedtime. I feel like she spends all that time, both inside and outside of work, and then leaves me just a few to talk. She does tell me that she loves me and only me, but I can't seem to rub off this insecurity and jealousy. I do love her and want to work on this because I want to be with her. Am I being unreasonably selfish? Is this how LDRs are usually done? What can I do to improve myself and be more secure, trusting, and less jealous in a situation like this?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 What can I do to improve myself and be more secure, trusting, and less jealous in a situation like this? Nearsightedness, chicken pox, tapeworm, tuberculosis, I even know a few people who beat cancer. But never have I ever meet anyone overcome jealousy. For people afflicted with it, its always going to be there. Since its all in their mind and thoughts you would think they could just control it, but no, for some reason jealous people can't.
meeji Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I disagree. People can learn how to behave appropriately when they feel jealous. Its not jealousy feeling that is the problem, its how your respond to it. Are u accusing her? Are you constantly needing her to validate you? How are these feelings you have affecting the relationship. Any relationship reuired trust. Its simple, either you trust her or you don't.
justwhoiam Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 How do I stop being insecure when she only hangs out and has male friends? Are you the same guy whose gf's used to hanging around in her panties and guys come and go from her bedroom? Sometimes, I feel neglected because she works with her male friends, hangs with them after work, and then we only usually get to Skype about an hour before her bedtime. Work is work, so leave that out of anything. About after work, you could simply ask her: What about you getting online a bit earlier now and then? At times I feel like an hour is too little. And you explain to her that when you type, it's not like when you talk... an hour flies and you realize you couldn't talk about so many things. I can't seem to rub off this insecurity and jealousy. I hear you. I can relate to how you feel. I am jealous but I'm fine when I know I have nothing to worry about. Otherwise, it gets worse. Am I being unreasonably selfish? No. Is this how LDRs are usually done? No. But I guess some relationships are just sort of unbalanced. One seems more into it and more giving than the other. That can happen with any kind of relationship. At times, it's just an impression, other times it's real. What can I do to improve myself and be more secure, trusting, and less jealous in a situation like this? Now, I guess I'm not the best person to tell you what to do... especially right now, because I'm right in the middle of a bad time, not trusting completely, insecure, etc. So... first try and see if she's willing to compromise a bit. Maybe once a week she can be up a bit longer than just an hour, or come online a bit earlier. It's all about compromising a bit. If you really love someone, you try to make things work the best way you can. If she - no matter what - prefers hanging out with her male friends drinking beer and stuff, then start questioning her love and your relationship. You can start to space out contact with her and see how she feels. If she's better than ever before, you have the answer.
PepperPotts Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Try to remember that she is in a group of mostly male coworkers. To force her to hang out mostly with women is to risk isolating her, and making her feel resentful. Additionally, it's likely her friends view her as a fellow soldier more than as a girl. Try also to remember that LDRs happen *a lot* in military relationships, so some of these guys she's with are likely missing a girl at home just as she's missing you. That means they're more focused on the girl at home than on your gf. The most important thing to keep in mind is trust. It's not your jealousy that's the problem. You have to trust her to love you and be true. If you feel like you can't, why are you with her? Long-distance relationships magnify our faults and our virtues, but they don't fundamentally change us. If your girl would cheat on you while she's in Europe or would leave you for another guy, she'd do it at home too. If you can trust her at home, trust her in Europe. You have to force yourself over the hurdle (and most people in LDRs have to at some point). Do you believe there is a serious possibility (read:likelihood) that your girlfriend is going to leave you for another man or cheat on you? If so, your relationship would be in trouble even if you lived next door. If not, you have to force those thoughts out of your mind. Trust her completely unless she does something to earn your mistrust, or you'll be poisoning a good relationship.
Author lunat1ccc Posted August 17, 2012 Author Posted August 17, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the reply. I do need to work on trust though. I talked with her today and one thing I realized is the age gap we have. She's 19 and I'm 24, and she tells me that she feels rushed that I want her to get to where I'm at. She feels that I'm already past the whole "college" scene and she feels that she needs to experience part of it to actually get over it. I feel that I'm at a phase where I really need to figure out what I'll be doing so I try to plan things. Being honest is key, so I told my girlfriend that if she re-enlists, it'll make things harder for us because she might get stationed overseas again, thus beginning another LDR. If she doesn't re-enlist, it'll still be LDR since she'll be going back home for college. I made her know that I wasn't pressuring her; just letting her know what was on my mind. And the hard thing is, she JUST got to her first unit, after her initial training, so obviously she won't know what she wants until she gets a feel for it. But I guess that's what bugs me. I know it's a risk in the fact that she MIGHT re-enlist later down the road and it might just save me the heartache, even if she tells me now that she won't re-enlist. Maybe I'm just over thinking everything. I did talk with my best friend and he tells me that we'll have a lot of things to overcome in the long run. (2 years LDR, possible re-enlistment, what to do after she's done with her contract, etc). I love this girl but I'm just lost. Edited August 17, 2012 by lunat1ccc
Eddie Edirol Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Put it this way. if she wanted to talk to you more on Skype, she would, but shes having too much fun in Europe talking to those guys than with you. Since shes 19 (a prime age of discovery for women) I say let her go. Because whether or not she reinlists, you guys wont see each other regularly so this wont last. She will eventually need a warm body next to her, if she doesnt already have one. Any hint of jealousy or pulling that you show will send her to them. I think you should start the process of letting her go, talking to her less, eventually fade away. Both of you are too young to deal with this type of LDR. Most people arent really programmed to deal with LDR's, we need to see and feel the people at least every couple days. otherwise other people start looking good. If you feel jealous, I wonder if its because you feel her pulling away. if you do, fight for her a lil, but if she resists, let her go. There isnt much you can do if she doesnt fully value the relationship to make a better effort. 1
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