UGH - 4 Months after B/U -- Thoughts?

[Blastoplast]

I posted my story about 1 1/2 months ago, so here's a quick recap:

 

Last week of April, a week before my birthday, my serious GF of 7 years said she wasn't moving into a new apartment with me. Reasons being:

 

- Her being ****ty to me (financially I carried her burden for 8 months, and now she owes me well over $8k)

- Spark being gone (which I attribute to her guilt from me paying for her)

- Apartment not being temporary (she's wanted to move, I wanted to use this apartment as an opportunity to save $$$ and make a move)

- Her and my friends not necessarily getting along (I think this is more of her being cynical than them getting along, honestly)

 

Anyways, The first 2 reasons seemed like the straws that broke the camel's back, and the latter 2 were just her grasping at straws trying to come up with reasons as to why we weren't working. Part of the problem for me is that she had/has G.I.G.S. and she's already realizing that maybe it isn't so much greener. The MAJOR reason for the break-up was so that she could get a job, move away, find herself -- whatever you want to call it, and now she's not even close to attaining ANY of those goals. It looks like she's going to be here for another winter, something she DIDN'T want to happen in the first place. She's also told me that she can see a future for us, that she wants to be with me, but she can't right now -- not with how we've ended up and who she is in life right now.

 

Now post BU:

 

We tried being friends for a bit post BU and it was actually working for a little. It was awkward, but both of us clearly still love each other. I then told her in the middle of July that I don't know if we can be friends, because at this point I'm going to be wanting more. We've been in LC ever since, and I've seen her once since then.

 

I find out around the end of July that she had been smooching with a guy (she said it was only 1 time) and now it gets me thinking whether or not she had been cheating on me at the end. She SWEARS to me that she hasn't, and I want to believe her... but it's hard to, especially after all these things she had planned on doing post BU aren't happening right now. After I found out she had been with another man, I decided to test the waters a little bit. I've hooked up with 2 different women, one of them multiple times and now I feel terribly remorseful for what I've done. Clearly my mind isn't ready even for casual hook-ups.

 

But even since we've been in LC, she's been leaving me what we'd call "breadcrumbs" texts, up until last Wednesday was the last one I received. Some examples:

 

- When she was sick, she was saying how she wishes I was in bed with her and taking care of her.

 

- I miss you terribly, it hurts my heart/please don't hate me

 

- How was your show? Miss seeing you play, miss seeing you XOXO

 

Last time we saw each other it was just over 2 weeks ago. She was over for 15-20 minutes. She knew that I found out about her being with another guy... we talked for a little bit, barely made eye contact. I could see tears welling up in her eyes and I told her it looks like she needed a hug. I embraced her, and man it felt good. When I went to let go of the hug, she wouldn't let me go and I held for a bit longer. She got up, clearly crying and left.

 

Now here I am on the precipice of going back to school and starting my new life, but along with school -- I'm also dealing with a break-up, a BS legal battle and I'm just struggling to cope with all of this. I thought I was stronger, and I was even on here a month ago saying how I came to grips with our break-up, and that we could remain friends even under extreme adversity. Now I look back at that and laugh and cry at that. Even with everything I've read on these forums, I'm looking for any advice or knowledge to help me through these troubling times

[Blastoplast]

100 views and no reply

 

So I sent her a text today:

 

"Hey, just seeing how you're doing, hope all is well. I start classes this week already! Keep in touch. -J"

 

She sent back:

 

" Hey J! All is well. In the last week of camp!!! Then next Friday will be my first day off since the 4th of July! Yeah on the classes. Good luck! Still love ya, maybe next week we can catch up?"

 

 

I hate the breadcrumbs term, but is that all this is? I replied to hers saying I'd love to catch up, that I still love her and don't hate her. Am I playing into her hand and going in with false hopes? Or put it this way, if we do happen to meet up -- how do I feel her out as to where I see OUR future or what she wants without being too obvious or pushy?

[not-a-drive-by]

I hate the breadcrumbs term, but is that all this is? I replied to hers saying I'd love to catch up, that I still love her and don't hate her. Am I playing into her hand and going in with false hopes? Or put it this way, if we do happen to meet up -- how do I feel her out as to where I see OUR future or what she wants without being too obvious or pushy?

 

. If you don't want to appear pushy and want to see where you two stand in the future, it' probably best to remain NC. If she was sincere about catching up in a week, she will contact you to meet up.

 

It's very similar to what my ex said. "I'll call you sometime" or "We'll catch up sometime soon", but it never happened. Sad for me . I've learnt not to hold up hopes for future plans because it just doesn't happen!

[Blastoplast]

Well she called me this morning. I told her what was on my mind, I basically asked her what she wants. She still doesn't know -- she says that she wants to get out of this swamp of debt she's in, that she wants to know she can be self-sufficient. This is huge for her since she came from a semi-broken family. I told her I had hooked up with a few girls since our break-up (I could tell this hurt her), that I had been on a date and it SUCKED. She said she was on a ****ty date too, where her date only put down about $40 on a $50 food bill and expected her to pick up the rest. We both laughed at that. I asked her don't you want to be with me, don't you want to work on us. She went back to the ol' "she sees a future with us, a home, marriage, kids -- but at the same time, she's not sure if she wants kids (this doesn't bother me) and that she can't be there until she fixes herself".

 

What I really want is to just be with her. I understand that we weren't perfect at the end, but I told her we have so many GREAT things to hold on to and we both need to look on the bright side. While the jobs she has aren't helping her gain any headway on her debt, she enjoys both of them immensely. She works at an environmental park and people would KILL to have the type of job she has, it's just one of those jobs that's hard to move up the ladder and she's been stagnant there for a few years. I really want her to see that unless she finds a GREAT job, moving away and finding a job in another town isn't going to be some magic bullet to fix all her troubles. I want to work on ourselves together, plan a future together and work towards achieving that goal.

 

I'm going to give her a call next week, she's going to have a little free time for the first time in months. I just want to show her how important she is to me, and how what we had goes beyond any personal issues. I'm not some hopeless romantic, I've seen so many BS stories on here where the relationships are clearly broken, but ours never really was. Thing is, she's said that she does see a future, and that she wants to be with me -- but I think her guilt is getting in the way. I'm thinking about just taking her out on a date, not necessarily to win her back, but to show her what she would be missing if she just decides to get up and leave. One side of me wants to just abandon any hope of reconciliation, but I don't want to close the door on us and completely shut her out. I guess you could say I want to win her back. If I try, and she can't see things from my perspective -- then I can say I honestly gave it my all and that we really weren't meant for each other.

[BooBoo1982]

How old are you both?

[Blastoplast]

How old are you both?

 

I'm 28, she's 27

[Blastoplast]

I sent her a text apologizing for starting the day on a heavy note earlier, that I love her unconditionally and adore her.

 

Her: No worries. I know, and I get you're still hurt as am I. Readjusting and getting on my feet are some of the first steps I need to take before being able to make the next move. And please don't settle for skeezy girls like the one you took on a date. Don't get involved with anyone with a kid, they're just looking for someone, anyone to play daddy. You don't deserve or need that ****.

 

Me: I want what I can't have, I don't want a skeezy girl. I know you say this is about taking responsibility, being self-sufficient... I just wish we were doing this together as a team -- its really what I feel we should be doing. It's near impossible for me to picture any sort of future for us when you bailed when the going got tough. If we do end up together down the road, what's to stop that from happening again? What we have is special, I hope you see that. Any $$$ you owe me is water under the bridge, and I feel if you really loved me we'd find a way to make this work.

 

No response from her after that, although she sent a few moves through a Words with Friends game. She probably didn't really have anything to say that she hasn't said already

[jdids247]

We're in similar situations Blast...6 years with her and when things started to get rough after our engagement, she started to distance herself.

 

Anyway...back to your dilemma....

 

She didn't respond because she feels the same way but her head is elsewhere. She probably whole heartedly agrees with you but she needs to do something on her own to prove something to herself...whatever that may be.

 

I would have sent the same message (and I actually did two months after we broke up). She never responded.

 

I'm thinking your ex just doesn't know how to respond because she know's that what you speak is the truth and she's scared...so the only thing she knows is to run away. Out of sight is out of mind for some people. The persons with the big heart always get the raw end of the deal

[Blastoplast]

Jdids, thanks for the response.

 

.so the only thing she knows is to run away.

 

This is so true... she always was one to run away from problems. The handful of times we got in arguments, she would always run to our bedroom and slam the door, never resolving the situation.

 

In the end, I just need to move on. I'm back in school right now, so I need to focus on that and worry about my own life and not hers. I just miss her companionship dearly.

 

I will say, there is this cute girl that's 2 years older than me in the same program with me at school. I've been thinking about asking her out on a date, or inviting her to see one of the bands I play in. Not looking for anything serious, but I'm just a little nervous approaching her because she's so adorable!

[Blastoplast]

Just an update and looking for some more input.

 

2 weeks ago my EX went to a music festival with her 2 best friends, and the Tuesday after she calls me. We have a good 30 minute talk, during which she brings up how she didn't have any fun -- mostly because she wishes I was there with her and how pretty much everything she's been doing is more or less unfulfilling because she misses me, and she sees other happy couples and it reminds her of how we used to be, EVEN when things were tough for us. I tell her its the same way for me sometimes, that I miss her friendship and I would like to get together sometime. She agreed.

 

Well this gets me a little excited, I just really miss my best friend . We make plans for some weeknight, but they fall through because she got hung up at work past 10pm. Then I say let's do Labor Day dinner together. The weekend of she was going to a big city to see a show about 3 hours away by herself, but on the way down she finds out her Grandma just died. I send her a text Sunday seeing how the show was, how she's doing. No response. Then I call her twice on Labor Day just to see what her status was, no response -- then she calls me at 9pm. I tell her I was just a little worried about her, because it was unlike her to not respond. She reminded me she was at her show in a sort of condescending way. She said she stayed at a hotel, this was after she had told me she was going to drive back after the show. I ask her who with, and she said "Just friends" -- in an almost defensive dodgy way. Then she starts getting emotional, talking about how things are changed now because her Grandma was the glue in her whole family.

 

It just made me feel guilty, but then it gets me thinking that she's casually dating somebody on the side and not being up front with me and it's eating me alive. On one hand, it's none of my business, on the other hand I see her going well out of town, spending all this $$$ while living on her own while she couldn't give me a measly couple of hundred bucks a month for rent while we were still together.

 

The thing is, I really worry for her. I feel like she's putting on this front that everything is A-OK in her world, that she's doing well, but deep down inside I feel she's struggling emotionally and financially. She always says she doesn't wear her emotions on her sleeve, but the last few times we've talked I don't get that impression -- although she did mention that it felt good she could pay her own rent and bills on time without me. For some reason it feels like she wants to get back together with me and wants us to be friends, but at the same time it's like she's keeping her distance. I'm just getting close to my wits end, but I don't think I can go straight NC. Any more input would be great

[Blastoplast]

Well it's either this with all the emotional hell you're clearly experiencing

 

 

 

Or this. You'll still have the emotional hell in your head but without her adding to it.

 

 

 

 

I always thought 'Yeah, yeah NC. That's only for other people but not me and my ex. We can make it work, it will be ok because we're different, even though she treated me like a piece of dog crap on her shoe it's ok, because we're different.'

 

Now I know your relationship wasn't bad but seriously why are you doing this to yourself? One very painful but fundamental lesson I learned is judge a person by their actions, not by their words. She's got you a string, pal. 'Ooh I miss you, things are empty without you' blah blah, they're just words. Is she doing any actions to suggest she wants to be with you? Has she said 'Let's meet up because I want to talk about us?' no, they're exactly as you said, breadcrumbs. I also think you're a complete mug for letting her off the $8k.

 

I really hate the term man up but mate, seriously. You're doing yourself no favours by remaining in contact with her. Go NC for you, don't contact her in anyway from now on unless she makes a clear indication she wants to get back together. I wish I had gone NC and stuck to it, I certainly will do in the future. Remaining in contact just drags it out, you are no further along now than you were the day of the breakup. I remained in contact with my ex for 9 months after we broke up and it got me absolutely no where at all. In fact I broke NC with her yesterday after 2 months and where has it put me? Right back to where I was. Seriously, go NC for your own sake.

 

Yeah it's becoming apparent that NC might be the best solution, even if it hurts both of us. Thing is, had she just sent me a text earlier that day telling me to cancel dinner plans it probably wouldn't have bothered me that much. But instead I'm sitting there wondering what the hell she's doing and worrying about her. Then it makes me feel like **** because she put our plans on hold again instead of being upfront with me. I don't want to say I'm back to day 1 post break-up, but man it just makes me angry -- even given her circumstances. And then to go to this concert, which is at least $40 for the ticket, $30 in gas, figure another $100 for hotel and party favors... it just shows that she's not being wise with her money and it's like a big slap in the face to me. She'll use the excuse that she had a long summer and never got to do anything, but again in 2 weeks she's going to another concert on a Thursday, a friends birthday party out on the town and then ANOTHER concert on that Sunday night. I guess if I was in NC I wouldn't even know about this stuff and wouldn't even care... You're spot on about actions speaking louder than words.

 

As far as the $8k is concerned, I told her it's water under the bridge because even if I told her she's responsible to pay it back, I feel like I"d NEVER get it back.

Edited September 4, 2012 by Blastoplast