Free spirit with conservative

[Ruby Slippers]

While we didn't have an LDR, we were 45 minutes apart and only saw each other on the weekends. Living together is way, way different. We are happy together, but I'll be first to admit it was kind of a shock to go from weekends to cohabitation.

It's a good point to consider, but I'm not too concerned about it due to the nature of my work, and possibly his. I could easily start out visiting him Friday-Sunday, then Friday-Monday, Thursday-Tuesday, etc. - whatever we want to do.

 

Also, in his last job, he had a lot of freedom to work out of the office pretty much whenever he wanted, and I imagine he'll get to that point again, once he gets established with the new company.

 

If this is right, we'll both adapt to make it work. Eventually, he wants to start his own company, too. He's more conservative than I am and wants to save up a LOT of money before he strikes out on his own. I did it with like $1,000 in my bank account. He worries and plans way too much to do anything like that. But I'm confident he will be his own boss eventually, too - and then we can both have much more control over our time and whereabouts.

[Babolat]

He's explained the specialized nature of his career to me and limited range of good-paying jobs in his field, and I completely understand why he needed to accept a job in another city. I know that he's very driven in his career, and it's one of the things I really like about him. He's very responsible and makes good decisions. I don't question his judgment, because I know he's doing what's best for himself - and you can't be any good to anyone else if you're not strong and doing well.

 

He came over last night, and we talked about it. He said he'd like us to take turns visiting each other every other weekend, and he said we'll spend all holidays and vacation time together, in whichever of our cities we prefer. We agreed that we'll be sure to plan the visits a bit in advance so we know what's ahead. He's also considering my preferences in his search for a place to live - house in a more natural setting vs. apartment in the concrete jungle, for example.

 

Practically, this doesn't change things all that much. Because we're both very busy with work during the week (he was until recently, and will be again), we hardly ever do things during the week, anyway - unless it's someone's birthday or a special occasion. I run a business that keeps me very busy during the week, and he's always pushing himself to lead and advance wherever he works, and does so. Our pattern has been to text a bit during weekdays, talk on the phone for a while at night, then spend the weekends together.

 

The only thing that will change is that we won't be easily available to see each other during the week. But in a real pinch, we could be there pretty quickly, by car or plane.

 

Also, because I'm my own boss and totally mobile, I can easily do extended weekends with him - like Friday-Monday or whatever. As long as I'm in Chicago often enough for meetings with my clients and staff, I'm good.

 

I asked him if he's going to keep looking for a job here, and he said yes, though realistically he will need to be in this position for at least 6 months, so he can make a good impression and get some stuff done. I understand that.

 

If both of our careers work out the way we're planning, we'll most likely both be traveling all over the world for business fairly regularly. So I don't mind trying out a starter version of this lifestyle now.

 

We agreed that we'll see how it goes. If there are problems, we'll talk about them and make adjustments. And if it's not workable, we're not bound to stay together.

 

I'm sad that he won't be in Chicago anymore - but I'm happy that he's been so proactive in making and discussing plans for us to stay together and spend time together. I think he's doing the best possible with the situation.

 

 

Talk to her about it. I drink and smoke marijuana occasionally, and my boyfriend has made comments about it - like calling me a stoner. That just makes me roll my eyes. What I would respond to much better is something like:

 

"I'm concerned about you drinking and smoking for X reason. Is this something you think you can adapt on?"

 

I do drink and smoke less now that we're together, because when we're together, I hardly drink and never smoke. I also asked him if it bothers him when I get a drink with dinner or something, and he said not at all. If it did, it wouldn't bother me at all to abstain.

 

I'm not so attached to these habits, and could easily give up both of them if I knew they were a really big deal to him. But he would need to talk to me calmly and considerately (not in a judgmental way) about it. For me, this guy is husband and father material, and I'm just as willing to adapt as he has been with me.

 

Thanks for the feedback..and I saw your comments\posts in the "pot ok" post, and wow, you and her are twins! Even your choice of words..and your BF and I are twins.

 

I have not been judgemental or rolled my eyes. I ask questions, I listen to her answers, I may ask more just to try to understand.

 

I have talked to her about her drinkiing and she has told me she will not change for me, that she will change for herself. We are not talking about a glass of wine with dinner...we are talking 4-5 glasses of wine in a bar over 2-3 hours, or at a social gathering with her friends, sometimes coupled with many many shots. It's not everyday, more of a Friday or Saturday thing and it's also not every weekend. When she drinks, she drinks a lot.

 

She states she has made a lot of changes in the past 8+ years, from partying 3 nights a week to one, sometimes not every week and she is not drinking as much now as she use to. She has partied until 4AM+ with her friends (I was not with her) 3-4 times over the past 5+ months I have known her. Party means LOTS of shots, occassional recreational drugs. I was with her once and I was amazed how well she manages herself. She does not get obnoxious or angry, she actually gets more talkative and shares deep stuff with me and asks me more intimate types of questions. To the best of my knowledge she has smoked pot 2 times since I have known her.

 

She states she plans to make more changes, and has a plan in her head to continue to change, that I need to accept her for who she is now, or not, and not wait for more change.

 

I was OK with her drinking when we met; in fact I was partying a little harder myself and having fun. Now though I think it's sinking in how different we are and I do not know if it's a deal breaker.

 

Talk to your BF as he may be like me, just thinking it's OK because of how great other things are right now though it may hit him one day that it does really bother him.

[Ruby Slippers]

She states she plans to make more changes, and has a plan in her head to continue to change, that I need to accept her for who she is now, or not, and not wait for more change.

If I were in your position, I would ask her what her plan is. Is she PLANNING, or is she planning and executing? People can plan things forever.

 

I was OK with her drinking when we met; in fact I was partying a little harder myself and having fun. Now though I think it's sinking in how different we are and I do not know if it's a deal breaker.

If you have been OK with it to this point, it doesn't seem like a deal-breaker. Why does it bother you? Are you afraid something is going to happen when she drinks? Do you worry about her safety? What is the root cause of your concern about her drinking?

 

Talk to your BF as he may be like me, just thinking it's OK because of how great other things are right now though it may hit him one day that it does really bother him.

If it hits him that it bothers him, he needs to speak up about that. I can't be expected to read his mind. But I did ask him if it bothers him that I drink when we're together. If it bothers him that I smoke MJ on the weekend when I'm with friends, he's gonna have to speak up about it.

 

Also, I've invited him to hang out with me and some of my toker friends, and the first time I did, he said no because he would feel weird being the only one who wasn't smoking. I said I'm sure nobody would mind refraining, or they could go outside and smoke, and I wouldn't have any problem abstaining for the night.

[Babolat]

If I were in your position, I would ask her what her plan is. Is she PLANNING, or is she planning and executing? People can plan things forever.

 

 

If you have been OK with it to this point, it doesn't seem like a deal-breaker. Why does it bother you? Are you afraid something is going to happen when she drinks? Do you worry about her safety? What is the root cause of your concern about her drinking?

 

 

If it hits him that it bothers him, he needs to speak up about that. I can't be expected to read his mind. But I did ask him if it bothers him that I drink when we're together. If it bothers him that I smoke MJ on the weekend when I'm with friends, he's gonna have to speak up about it.

 

Also, I've invited him to hang out with me and some of my toker friends, and the first time I did, he said no because he would feel weird being the only one who wasn't smoking. I said I'm sure nobody would mind refraining, or they could go outside and smoke, and I wouldn't have any problem abstaining for the night.

 

I am not sure about the root cause..been thinking on that. I do worry about her safety when she is out with friends, I do worry about the bar environment, men hitting on her as she is gorgeous, and I do worry she could one day have an alcohol addiction, and the related health risks from heavy binge drinking. I think I also worry about her inhibitions lowering as she drinks as she gets friskier with me when she drinks. There is alcoholism in my family too so I think about that. And, I have always found it unattractive when a girl drinks too much. Not sure why. It feels a bit irresponsible to me. Though again, she carries herself well when she drinks; she gets happier and chattier.

 

She is very honest with me about all of it, which I like and respect. She will tell me "there will be a lot of drinking".

[Babolat]

I too feel weird around her friends when they are all partying\drinking heavy...I feel like the odd guy out. If I drink with them, life is good and I have a great time. It's just not in my to drink that much and that heavy.

[Babolat]

Regarding asking her what her plan is, I understand what you are saying, though I think this goes back to her "waiting for her to change" comment. I accept her for who she is now, or not. I agree with her on that and cannot hang my hat on what she may be in the future.

 

I have seen some minor changes since we have been together, and she recently told me she wants to be around more people like me, that she understands her current friends are all heavy drinkers too. She said this is one reason why she likes me...that I do not drink heavy. I am attracted to her care free, wild soul side as I want to let go a little more and I think she is attracted to my conservative reserved side as she wants to slow down and be more like that. We shall see!

Edited September 13, 2012 by Babolat

[Ruby Slippers]

I am attracted to her care free, wild soul side as I want to let go a little more and I think she is attracted to my conservative reserved side as she wants to slow down and be more like that. We shall see!

Yes, I totally hear you on this. I LOVE that he's so sensible, grounded, and responsible. He totally inspires me to work hard and live up to all the values I preach.

 

He has the greatest positive impact on me when he leads by example/suggestion, without any judgment or criticism. If you can do that, I think things will just keep getting better.

[veggirl]

No offense bab but your situation doesn't sound like ruby's really at all and you might wanna start your own thread. Ruby really does not sound

Like your girls twin lol. Good luck with her tho and you'll get responses by having your own thread

 

Ruby I'm so happy for you, it all sounds like its going great and 6 hrs isn't bad at all considering you have the flexibility and cash to visit. When does he move?

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby I'm so happy for you, it all sounds like its going great and 6 hrs isn't bad at all considering you have the flexibility and cash to visit.

Thanks, sweetie

 

When does he move?

Next weekend.

 

And he's totally stepped up the quality time since he accepted the offer. Tonight he asked if he can come over again tomorrow, and we've already planned out a whole weekend of fun things to do as tourists of the city this weekend, before he moves

 

I played tennis and had dinner with a friend tonight, and she said what I was already thinking: If this is real, it'll withstand any test.

 

I totally agree with that.

 

I'm sure I'll have my moments, but right now I feel solid and strong.

[Babolat]

No offense bab but your situation doesn't sound like ruby's really at all and you might wanna start your own thread. Ruby really does not sound

Like your girls twin lol. Good luck with her tho and you'll get responses by having your own thread

 

Ruby I'm so happy for you, it all sounds like its going great and 6 hrs isn't bad at all considering you have the flexibility and cash to visit. When does he move?

 

Well, I have read some of Rubys posts on other threads, and they are very similar. And I think I am very similar to her BF. One thing I hear in Rubys comments is her willingness to change for him. I do not want my GF to change for me; that never works in my opinion. Ruby, I caution you to think about this as you are who you are and at soem point if you start changing your behaviors for him you may become bitter and resentful.

 

I think "influencing" and "inspiring" each other is wonderful and it's one of many reason we are attracted to people, their strenghts are our weaknessses. I also think "living by their example" is wonderful too..it's how we grow. I simply think we need to be careful about changing ourselves to make a relationship work. I think that is what I am going thru right now.

 

I also hear a lot of myself in her comments about what her BF says and does.

Edited September 13, 2012 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Yes, I totally hear you on this. I LOVE that he's so sensible, grounded, and responsible. He totally inspires me to work hard and live up to all the values I preach.

 

He has the greatest positive impact on me when he leads by example/suggestion, without any judgment or criticism. If you can do that, I think things will just keep getting better.

 

I agree. In fact, I have stopped drinking heavy with her as I feel like I am enabling her. I stop after one glass of wine. She even recently said she could see herself more like me in the future regarding drinking and that she wants to continue to wean herself from drinking.

[Ruby Slippers]

One thing I hear in Rubys comments is her willingness to change for him. I do not want my GF to change for me; that never works in my opinion. Ruby, I caution you to think about this as you are who you are and at soem point if you start changing your behaviors for him you may become bitter and resentful.

To me, drinking and smoking less isn't really changing ME - it's changing habits. Since I'm not overindulgent with these things, I don't see them as bad habits. But they could be described as minor vices I indulge in for fun, and I don't see it as any big deal to curb them a little if I have a good reason.

 

Also, I don't see him being more expressive with me as changing himself. He has the capacity to be expressive - I'm just asking him to use that capacity more with me, so I know what the hell is going on, where we stand, etc.

 

I'm totally aware that there are many positives attributable to his conservative nature, and I'm sure he knows there are positives to my more free-spirited nature.

 

I don't think we're asking each other to change - we're just adapting, which is necessary in any good relationship, whether it's a friendship, business relationship, or romantic one.

[Babolat]

To me, drinking and smoking less isn't really changing ME - it's changing habits. Since I'm not overindulgent with these things, I don't see them as bad habits. But they could be described as minor vices I indulge in for fun, and I don't see it as any big deal to curb them a little if I have a good reason.

 

Also, I don't see him being more expressive with me as changing himself. He has the capacity to be expressive - I'm just asking him to use that capacity more with me, so I know what the hell is going on, where we stand, etc.

 

I'm totally aware that there are many positives attributable to his conservative nature, and I'm sure he knows there are positives to my more free-spirited nature.

 

I don't think we're asking each other to change - we're just adapting, which is necessary in any good relationship, whether it's a friendship, business relationship, or romantic one.

 

Well said!

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, it's not looking great.

 

He came over last Thursday, but right when he walked in, he said he was cold and felt weird. He asked me for a blanket, and I turned on the heater for him (first time in months). He said come here, and we were just cuddling on the couch. He was sniffly and seemed down. Also, when he first walked in, he hugged me harder and longer than he ever has.

 

So he asked me if I had a thermometer, and it turned out he had a fever of 101.6. His face was burning up, too. He jumped up from the couch and said, "I'm not going to be good company. I'm going home." It seemed like he practically ran out of the house, and I was just standing there feeling kind of shocked that he left so abruptly, but trying to be understanding because he was sick.

 

I dropped some hints over the weekend that he was more than welcome to come over, or I'd come see him, but he didn't say yes to any of them. He went to the doctor, found out he has strep throat, and is taking antibiotics. On Friday, I said, "I'm going to miss you," and he said, "I'm going to miss you, too. But I can't come over because I'm sick." And I said, "Yeah, I know. I didn't ask you to."

 

I talked to him 2 days ago, when he was feeling better, about how I felt sad that he was leaving town on Friday and hadn't said another word about plans to see each other in the coming weeks. Then he asked me to drive with him to the new town this weekend and scope it out with him, then fly back. I'm not sure I can, because I'm looking for my own new place now and have a lot going on, but I said maybe.

 

Then we had a heated discussion last night, because I said he still hadn't said anything about getting together before he leaves - me going with him this weekend is not a certainty.

 

Then he tells me it hurt his feelings that I didn't tell him he could stay here when he was sick! He said he was being polite in offering to leave so he wouldn't get me sick, but he was hurt driving home, thinking that if I really liked him, I would have asked him to stay. All the while, I'm feeling sad and hurt that he just ran out of here, and later, that he didn't take any opportunity to get together over the weekend. The second day, he told me his fever had not gone below 100, so he was going to the doctor. I asked if he was OK to be alone with such a high fever, and he said, "If I wasn't, I would tell you."

 

He said if he went to visit his family and was sick, they would never just let him leave. And I'm just like what?! Going to your childhood home out of state for a visit and turning up sick is not anything like going to the home of your girlfriend of 3 months in the same city and then announcing you need to go because you're sick. If he wanted to stay, why didn't he just ask if he could get in my bed, or tell me he wanted to stay but was worried about getting me sick, and what did I think? He didn't even give me an option. He just ran out of here in a rush! And it's my fault?!?!

 

I reminded him that I dropped several big hints that night, the next day, and the next day communicating that my house was open to him or I could come to him, and he stayed away. He said he wanted me to ask him to stay, or offer to come over later in the weekend, but only offered to go to be polite so he wouldn't get me sick. WTF??? I said it's not my fault he was pretending that he wanted something he didn't, and it's his job to speak up if he needs or wants something.

 

I said I didn't give a crap about him being contagious, and would have happily spent his last weekend in town sick in bed with him, if that's the best we could do - but he just ran out of here like he couldn't get out fast enough, and I wasn't going to beg him to stay or chain him to the couch! I'm sick of him accusing me of being "aggressive" because he's too passive or insecure or reserved or whatever to make something happen, and I wasn't about to beg him to stay when he was clearly communicating he wanted to go. Clearly, he expected me to read his mind and has decided I don't like him because I didn't!

 

Now he wants to see me, and I feel like he's already left and screwed up our last weekend together, so why bother? I feel like he should stay gone and leave me the hell alone.

[Woggle]

Tell him to cut out the passive aggressive crap. When somebody expects you to read their mind it is nerve wracking. Also I would never blame you if you didn't want to catch it especially with all the crap going around these days.

[denise_xo]

I said it's not my fault he was pretending that he wanted something he didn't, and it's his job to speak up if he needs or wants something.

 

Clearly, he expected me to read his mind and has decided I don't like him because I didn't!

 

I totally understand that you are annoyed about this. At the same time, this incident sounds like a very typical kind of argument that happens in relationships at (ir)regular intervals. I would meet up with him, speak you mind on it but don't let it linger, and refocus on building your relationship further. Unless you think this outweighs all the positives you have posted about him earlier?

[ThaWholigan]

This guy doesn't really communicate in a way that is really appropriate for a relationship. This could be his big problem, and probably why his last relationship was problematic for him. If he is expecting you to initiate the bulk of the communications on that particular dynamic, it may get tiresome for you.

 

It's unfortunate, because he will probably be hurt, but as I was saying earlier in the thread, he has to learn this. I would hope it works out, but I think that communication is very important in a relationship, and if you are doing the bulk of it and initiating it while he sort of "rides your wave", you might possibly want to think about nipping this relationship in the bud before it goes any further - especially if he's going to be moving away.

 

However, I personally think that there is still time in this, and there could still be a lot of growth for the two of you together as a couple. If you don't think it's worth the hassle, it's up to you. He's not doing himself any favors, I'll admit - even though I am here sticking up for him in this thread .

 

But you should stick it out really. It might just be a minor thing that will get better. You never know.

[Ruby Slippers]

I totally understand that you are annoyed about this. At the same time, this incident sounds like a very typical kind of argument that happens in relationships at (ir)regular intervals. I would meet up with him, speak you mind on it but don't let it linger, and refocus on building your relationship further. Unless you think this outweighs all the positives you have posted about him earlier?

Yeah, but I feel like he totally blew it when it mattered the most. I think I did everything possible to create a peaceful transition with as little stress as possible, and he just ruined it by running away. I feel like I've been so patient and supportive and understanding - and this is the thanks I get?! What a ****ing waste of my time. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't spoken up about being sad and concerned, he wouldn't have even said anything about this. He was silently harboring a grudge against me and choosing to stay away on his last weekend in town. How petty and childish!! Looks like when the pressure's on, he runs away like a baby.

 

I'm sick of being sweet and caring with him, and him being cold and guarded with me. I feel like at least where I'm concerned, his heart is small and stingy. I feel unappreciated, disrespected, and just sick of his bull****.

 

Right now, I don't want to talk to him or see him. If I feel that he's distant and closed when we're in the same city, what in the hell is it going to be like when he's 6 hours away?

 

He'll probably be a great guy for someone in 5 or 10 years, when he has more experience. Until then, though, he's going to cause a lot of pain and sadness with his immature behavior and lack of communication. Let someone else suffer.

[denise_xo]

Yeah, but I feel like he totally blew it when it mattered the most. I think I did everything possible to create a peaceful transition with as little stress as possible, and he just ruined it by running away. I feel like I've been so patient and supportive and understanding - and this is the thanks I get?! What a ****ing waste of my time. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't spoken up about being sad and concerned, he wouldn't have even said anything about this. He was silently harboring a grudge against me and choosing to stay away on his last weekend in town. How petty and childish!! Looks like when the pressure's on, he runs away like a baby.

 

I'm sick of being sweet and caring with him, and him being cold and guarded with me. I feel like at least where I'm concerned, his heart is small and stingy. I feel unappreciated, disrespected, and just sick of his bull****.

 

Right now, I don't want to talk to him or see him. If I feel that he's distant and closed when we're in the same city, what in the hell is it going to be like when he's 6 hours away?

 

He'll probably be a great guy for someone in 5 or 10 years, when he has more experience. Until then, though, he's going to cause a lot of pain and sadness with his immature behavior and lack of communication. Let someone else suffer.

 

OK, fair enough. But before you make a final decision, why don't you re-read this entire thread? Just to remind yourself of all the different perspectives you have applied to him. It might be useful, no matter which way your decision goes.

[Ruby Slippers]

OK, fair enough. But before you make a final decision, why don't you re-read this entire thread? Just to remind yourself of all the different perspectives you have applied to him. It might be useful, no matter which way your decision goes.

This is good advice.

 

I'm not going to dump him just yet. I really don't think it's healthy to break up when you're upset. If I've learned anything, it's to do your best to end any relationship peacefully, so you're not carrying all this unresolved emotional baggage forward. If I break up with him, I plan to calmly and fairly explain why - for specific reasons that point to incompatibility, or create too much stress for me to handle. And I am not feeling calm or fair today.

 

He's being very sincere right now, doing his best. I don't think he has any bad intentions. It's obviously a stressful situation for both of us.

 

He's trying to come over right away, but I have a ton of work to do, a concert to go to tonight. I said I'd talk to him after the concert, and I probably will. I really do NOT want to. I want to just tell him to **** off and leave me alone. But even if it's just me screaming and him talking like an emotionless robot, at least I tried, right?!!

[denise_xo]

This is good advice.

 

I'm not going to dump him just yet. I really don't think it's healthy to break up when you're upset. If I've learned anything, it's to do your best to end any relationship peacefully, so you're not carrying all this unresolved emotional baggage forward. If I break up with him, I plan to calmly and fairly explain why - for specific reasons that point to incompatibility, or create too much stress for me to handle. And I am not feeling calm or fair today.

 

He's being very sincere right now, doing his best. I don't think he has any bad intentions. It's obviously a stressful situation for both of us.

 

He's trying to come over right away, but I have a ton of work to do, a concert to go to tonight. I said I'd talk to him after the concert, and I probably will. I really do NOT want to. I want to just tell him to **** off and leave me alone. But even if it's just me screaming and him talking like an emotionless robot, at least I tried, right?!!

 

That sounds good, and I definitely agree with the bold. You might feel more inclined to talk to him after you have been to the gig and chilled out a bit (or you might not). In either case, just be honest with him and then let whatever comes follow from there. Good luck

[Imajerk17]

Yeah, but I feel like he totally blew it when it mattered the most. I think I did everything possible to create a peaceful transition with as little stress as possible, and he just ruined it by running away. I feel like I've been so patient and supportive and understanding - and this is the thanks I get?! What a ****ing waste of my time. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't spoken up about being sad and concerned, he wouldn't have even said anything about this. He was silently harboring a grudge against me and choosing to stay away on his last weekend in town. How petty and childish!! Looks like when the pressure's on, he runs away like a baby.

 

I'm sick of being sweet and caring with him, and him being cold and guarded with me. I feel like at least where I'm concerned, his heart is small and stingy. I feel unappreciated, disrespected, and just sick of his bull****.

 

Right now, I don't want to talk to him or see him. If I feel that he's distant and closed when we're in the same city, what in the hell is it going to be like when he's 6 hours away?

 

He'll probably be a great guy for someone in 5 or 10 years, when he has more experience. Until then, though, he's going to cause a lot of pain and sadness with his immature behavior and lack of communication. Let someone else suffer.

 

Ruby, this is what I am noticing from your posts: Either

 

(a) everything is great with this guy and he could be the one, or

 

(b) everything with this guy is bad and has always been bad.

 

As in it's either "magic follows us wherever we go", or this one argument (which does sound as if he is the one wrong from how you wrote it) characterizes everything about your whole relationship. There hardly seems to be any middle ground with you in regards to this guy.

 

I made a comment something along these lines when you first posted this thread. A week before this thread appeared for the first time (when this thread appeared it sounded that you were considering breaking up with him), you were singing his praises. Hard for a relationship to work long-term with such intense mood swings...

 

I think we're all like that to some extent but that still doesn't mean it is constructive.

 

Anyway, it is easy for me to see this as I am an outsider here, but this latest situation you wrote about seems to me to be a tiff, with an embedded teachable moment, that happened at a very bad time.

Edited September 18, 2012 by Imajerk17

[denise_xo]

Ruby, this is what I am noticing from your posts: Either

 

(a) everything is great with this guy and he could be the one, or

 

(b) everything with this guy is bad and has always been bad.

 

As in it's either "magic follows us wherever we go", or this one argument (which does sound as if he is the one wrong from how you wrote it) characterizes everything about your whole relationship. There hardly seems to be any middle ground with you in regards to this guy.

 

I made a comment something along these lines when you first posted this thread. A week before this thread appeared for the first time (when this thread appeared it sounded that you were considering breaking up with him), you were singing his praises. Hard for a relationship to work long-term with such intense mood swings...

 

I think we're all like that to some extent but that still doesn't mean it is constructive.

 

Anyway, it is easy for me to see this as I am an outsider here, but this latest situation you wrote about seems to me to be a tiff, with an embedded teachable moment, that happened at a very bad time.

 

The gist of this post kind of resonates with me, too. I like the bolded.

[KungFuJoe]

Honestly, I think neither of you are ready for this, which honestly was my very first reaction when you first started talking about the guy. He seems to be inexperienced in relationships and you seem to not be willing or patient enough to deal with it.

 

It's neither of your faults. Just bad timing. But you could just be incompatible.

 

Either way, these "little things" don't tend to get better with time together. They just get worse.

 

It might be a good thing that he's moving away. Would make a split easier.

[Ruby Slippers]

I had my monthly call with my counselor today and laid it all out for her.

 

She said it sounds to her like he's projecting his fears onto me. He's afraid I don't like him enough / don't want to spend time with him before he goes, so he created this situation to prove himself right about his fears. She said he's basically being self-protective.

 

She also said that people generally aren't good at good-byes, and we often unintentionally generate a fight or something right before the good-bye, because then it's easier to go when you're mad at each other. She said you see this in foster kids all the time, when it's time to say good-bye.

 

She said it sounds like my walls are up now and I'm in self-protective mode, too. She said it seems like we both have the same basic fear - he/she doesn't like me that much - and are using similar defense mechanisms.

 

She's basically encouraging me to try to get him to talk about what he wants with me, if his heart is closed or if thinks he has the ability to do this differently.

 

But to that, I said I'm sick of being insulted and picked at by him when I try to draw him out. Not only has he called me aggressive - when I was asking him what's so scary about showing me his emotions, he goes, "What are you, a psychologist?" He then did answer the question, but not without a little needling first. This is the thanks I get for giving a damn about him?! I'm not his therapist, and I don't feel I should have to teach him how to communicate like an emotionally mature adult. I'm not perfect in my communication and problem resolution skills, but I think I'm further along than he is.

 

She said all relationships require some kind of maintenance, and only I know if this one is worth the effort to me.

 

Ruby, this is what I am noticing from your posts: Either

 

(a) everything is great with this guy and he could be the one, or

 

(b) everything with this guy is bad and has always been bad.

 

As in it's either "magic follows us wherever we go", or this one argument (which does sound as if he is the one wrong from how you wrote it) characterizes everything about your whole relationship. There hardly seems to be any middle ground with you in regards to this guy.

I do tend to be kind of all or nothing about things, though I've come a long way on that. My counselor also asked me if this one incident negates all the other good things. But I see this incident as just another manifestation of his closed, guarded, fearful nature - and that is not one incident. It creates a pattern of incidents.

 

Anyway, it is easy for me to see this as I am an outsider here, but this latest situation you wrote about seems to me to be a tiff, with an embedded teachable moment, that happened at a very bad time.

I'm sure I'll at least talk to him before he goes, and possibly see him and at least say good-bye.

 

I'm just mad at him right now. I feel like I've been so strong, supportive, and solid through all of this, and he answered by behaving like a selfish child.