Free spirit with conservative

[Chocolat]

 

He told me he liked that girl he dated for 3 months, but was surprised when she didn't call him back after he got home from a 3-week trip out of town and called her. Turns out he didn't have ANY contact with her while he was gone for 3 weeks, after 3 months of dating, and didn't see anything strange about that. I said I'm not surprised she disappeared, given that he didn't bother to keep in touch.

 

 

 

I do tend to attract these super smart and accomplished but kind of robotic/emotionally cold guys. But I have no idea if he's got that condition. I don't think so, but I'm no expert. I know that social problems and clumsiness are symptoms, and neither of those things is a problem for him. He's shy, but good with people when he needs to be, and he was a leading athlete in school for years.

 

 

Hmmm... ok. Maybe it's not PDD-related but it sounds like there might be something going on. Your comment that he didn't think it was weird not to be in touch with his previous gf when he was away for 3 weeks is another indicator. Yet, he was in touch with you when you went away, so he learned.

 

Anyway, I don't get the sense that he's emotionally cold so much as he's still learning "normal" behaviors. As I said previously, it seems pretty clear that he really cares about you, but there seem to be things that he doesn't know to do. His willingness to do them once he's been clued in is what leads me to believe that there is some other issue going on.

 

I hope it all works out!

[Radu]

Ruby, what is this guy's dating experience like ?

 

Late-bloomer ?

[Ruby Slippers]

Anyway, I don't get the sense that he's emotionally cold so much as he's still learning "normal" behaviors. As I said previously, it seems pretty clear that he really cares about you, but there seem to be things that he doesn't know to do. His willingness to do them once he's been clued in is what leads me to believe that there is some other issue going on.

I agree - but what could it be?

 

He did say this weekend during our discussion that he's "not like most guys", and he's "weird". I said, "Yeah, I'm weird, too," and he said, "No, you're normal."

 

I could tell he wasn't "normal" from all the ways he stands out - and I share a lot of those. We're both overachievers across many areas - work, sports, arts, and so on. But he has this social/emotional weirdness that I find hard to understand.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, we went out for his birthday, then had a nice long talk, and made some progress.

 

About the coffee, he said all he was thinking is that he wanted me to have it at home. I told him this didn't really make sense to me, and suggested the idea that he didn't want anyone changing his environment. He said that's not it, and said I can leave anything I want at his place and come over anytime I want. He said if I'd asked if I could stay another day, and another, or however many, he would have said yes, and he loved having me at his place. He said the weekend flew by, as always.

 

He did say that inexperience might be a factor, since a woman has never spent the night at his place before me! I said if that's it, I can totally understand that, and I have no judgment about that.

 

As for him being "weird", he said it's just that most guys don't wait so long to date and have sex, aren't so inexperienced, but that's what felt right to him.

 

Then it got interesting. I told him that I don't like that I always have to drag feelings and things out of him. He told me he thinks it's not masculine to show any emotions! He said men are supposed to be strong and get things done, not worry about their feelings. He told me that he has NEVER expressed his emotions to anyone - not his parents, family, anyone he's dated, anything. He also said he's never seen a male member of his family or any close friend express emotions - they're all stoic like him. He said he thinks that men who show emotions seem "crazy", and guys who don't seem "proper". I asked what "proper" means, and he said "normal". He does seem overly concerned with what people think of him. He also said that expressions of emotion are for kids and teenagers, not "a grown-ass man".

 

I asked him what was so wrong with expressing his emotions to me, or scary about it, and he said he thinks he would be embarrassed. I asked why, and he said he worries I'm going to think he's not masculine, or he's effeminate, or he's not strong enough. I said I would never think that about him. He happened to be wearing a kind of pink shirt on our date, and I had commented that it looked really good on him, and only a man who's secure in his manhood can wear pink. He said yeah, the color suits him, and he has several pink/peach shirts. One of his friends was bugging him about it, but he basically told him it looks good on him and ignored his opinion.

 

I said that to me, a man who's comfortable expressing his emotions is like a man who's comfortable wearing pink - it shows that he's secure in his masculinity. That really seemed to get through to him.

 

He said, "You're sure you're not gonna laugh at me, think I'm effeminate, make fun of me?" I said of course not - have I ever done that?!

 

I told him I need him to express how he feels about me and us if we're going to get anywhere. He said he can do that, and his eyes got a little teary! So we just cuddled for a bit, and he was taking some deep breaths and letting them out.

 

He told me he likes me a lot, thinks I'm amazing, pretty, smart, fun, and other good things. He said he thinks we have a lot in common and are on the same level intellectually and otherwise. He said he loves spending time with me and it always flies by. He said everything that his actions were already saying, but he's hardly said in words. I was smiling and laughing, and just like before, when he had started kissing me spontaneously more, he said, "Why are you laughing at me?!" I said, "I'm not laughing at you! I'm just happy."

 

Then we got in bed and talked some more, and had some of the best sex yet - because it was more connected and sweet. He was kissing me more, looking into my eyes, touching me in all the right places. It was hot.

 

I also told him right before we went to sleep that I think we should cuddle for a bit, then give ourselves some space - since up to now, we've kept each other awake a lot with his restlessness and our full-body cuddles. We slept MUCH better, woke up feeling good, had a nice breakfast, and he said he wished he'd brought his laptop so he could spend the day here. I said, "Bring it next time."

 

Things are good. I am happy.

 

Thanks again for all the GREAT advice, y'all! It was right to stick with it and give him a chance. It really does just keep getting better.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Ruby Slippers

[Radu]

Glad it worked out for you.

 

I would like to let you ponder something.

 

At some point you will be angry with him for something you perceive he did or he actually did.

When that happens i want you to remember that he changed more for you than you changed for him.

 

PS: Hope it's not a downer.

[Ruby Slippers]

At some point you will be angry with him for something you perceive he did or he actually did.

When that happens i want you to remember that he changed more for you than you changed for him.

At some point we will both be angry for different things, I'm sure. That's life.

 

I'm adapting to him, too. In his own way, he points out things that he wants me to do differently, and I'm adapting. Even if it's difficult sometimes, I think we're a very good influence on each other, and we both know it.

[Woggle]

It does take a lot for a man to open up to a woman becauses sadly it is not uncommon for a woman to lose attraction to him or use it as weapon against him. If he is starting to open up to you it is a sign that he is starting to trust you and that is a good thing. Letting a woman see the soft underbelly is not an easy thing for a man.

[Ruby Slippers]

It does take a lot for a man to open up to a woman becauses sadly it is not uncommon for a woman to lose attraction to him or use it as weapon against him. If he is starting to open up to you it is a sign that he is starting to trust you and that is a good thing. Letting a woman see the soft underbelly is not an easy thing for a man.

He said that, too: "You're not gonna use what I say against me when you get mad at me for something?"

 

I said I would never do that, and the worst thing I do when I'm hurt or mad is run away and retreat into my shell - and I hardly ever do that anymore, either!

[veggirl]

Honestly I'd be worried about being his first real girlfriend. Like being the one who has to teach him all of this and build up his confidence.

[ThaWholigan]

Honestly I'd be worried about being his first real girlfriend. Like being the one who has to teach him all of this and build up his confidence.

I think most guys in that position will recognize that women have that concern. It's something I consider a lot myself, I will probably end up missing out on quite a lot of girls because of it in fact. It becomes a concern for the guy himself too.

[Ruby Slippers]

Honestly I'd be worried about being his first real girlfriend. Like being the one who has to teach him all of this and build up his confidence.

Yeah, I definitely hear you. I think we'll know before too long whether it has staying power. It's only been 2 1/2 months. We'll need to hit certain landmarks for me to feel confident continuing with him - "I love you", serious talks about the future, and so on.

 

It might not last, and if it's not right, I'll move on. But it's worth a few more months of my time to see if it does have staying power. And I'm sure I'll continue posting here about things as they unfold.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think most guys in that position will recognize that women have that concern. It's something I consider a lot myself, I will probably end up missing out on quite a lot of girls because of it in fact. It becomes a concern for the guy himself too.

He has made a few comments addressing this, without me even asking, like:

 

"I don't need to date around and try different 'flavors'. When I find something good, I stick with it." This is backed up by his behavior, too. He's very loyal to the things he likes. He goes for quality and value in everything, and is loyal to those things/foods/brands/people.

 

He likes unique cars and sports cars. When looking around the Chicago harbor parking lot at nice cars one afternoon, he said a good-looking car is fine, but it's the engine and internal parts he really cares about. "I go for what's inside - not the shiny package." His behavior backs this up, too. He could easily get some hottie. But he clearly wants the whole package, not just a hot girl. Very good-looking women flirt with him and check him out all the time - so he could easily practice on any of them if that's what he wanted.

 

He said that when he told his best friends about me, they didn't ask a single question about what I look like - just "does she have good values?", "is she educated?", "does she have a career she enjoys?", "can you count on her?" I think that says a lot about his and his friends' values.

 

There are no guarantees, of course, but I think these are all good signs.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He has made a few comments addressing this, without me even asking, like:

 

"I don't need to date around and try different 'flavors'. When I find something good, I stick with it." This is backed up by his behavior, too. He's very loyal to the things he likes. He goes for quality and value in everything, and is loyal to those things/foods/brands/people.

 

He likes unique cars and sports cars. When looking around the Chicago harbor parking lot at nice cars one afternoon, he said a good-looking car is fine, but it's the engine and internal parts he really cares about. "I go for what's inside - not the shiny package." His behavior backs this up, too. He could easily get some hottie. But he clearly wants the whole package, not just a hot girl. Very good-looking women flirt with him and check him out all the time - so he could easily practice on any of them if that's what he wanted.

 

He said that when he told his best friends about me, they didn't ask a single question about what I look like - just "does she have good values?", "is she educated?", "does she have a career she enjoys?", "can you count on her?" I think that says a lot about his and his friends' values.

 

There are no guarantees, of course, but I think these are all good signs.

 

Be careful when a man attempts to pronounce good values rather than demonstrate that on a romantic level, because it doesn't necessarily cross-over in the same manner. Be extremely careful in associating yourself as part of the same group, many men feel that way about things in their life in general because they are in "control" of them, however there's a reason they aren't in a relationship or married, and it's definitely not just always because they haven't found right one...I'm sure he's had good women before If he's all you're saying he is, and men are wiser and more intelligent than that, they know what they're looking for, especially if they demonstrate this in their life...I wouldn't believe they function any differently when it comes to the romantic aspect. They might connect, value, appreciate many things in their life, however the vulnerability alone makes this a whole different ballgame for men...these things like cars, foods, brands, people don't require the kind of "loyalty", dedication, commitment, emotional expression that a lover does, it's on a completely other level. Those things reside on the outer rim and there is no threat to a man like this from these elements.

 

He's obviously looking for a total package, but a man who is not inclined to feel vulnerable may not actually have the confidence to engage the kind of women that threaten him on that level because they fear rejection. Just because attractive women are into him doesn't mean he feels capable of romancing those women, many men are quite more insecure than you would think when it comes to the type of women they see in their league...even women think they can have who they want, don't you know women that feel the same way? Therefore many of these men will go for the less attractive women that they feel more attractive than or desirable for the sake of control and confidence, yet connected to on these other levels...such as values, common interest, etc...that way it doesn't impede on their insecurities of keeping a woman....not that I'm not saying you are not attractive, but If this man has so many options and choices and he's such a great catch why do you think he has little relationship experience? Do you really think he's just doesn't have those options? What do you think his problems were in his past?

 

There's a reason he's lived like this in his life, he's got issues.

 

It's good to make sure someone has good values and all of that, is educated, loves her career yadda yadda, but what is most important is what two people have together...I would ask a man

 

- How do you feel about her?

 

- How does she make you feel?

 

- Do you see a future with her? Do you lover her?

 

- Do you understand each other? How's your communication?

 

- What do you see in her that are possible deal-breakers?

 

The good on paper deal really tells you nothing in terms of the romantic potential of a relationship at all, and then people who screen "romantic" interests with the on paper list always seem to find themselves aloof when something is missing or when they start having real relationship problems. Then they find themselves missing something because they actually expected to find this good on paper person and then institute a romantic level like If it's just some pill you pop....when you can't choose who you love, who you feel for and connect with on another level that is greater.

 

Dig deeper into the soul of the man Ruby, ask the questions that matter...and let the other things go in one ear and out the other, not that make you feel more secure and "special" in the relationship, like he's taking this really seriously or not, all of those things will be misleading If he just tells you next week he doesn't think it's working anymore (not saying that he is).

 

Keep working on the emotional and communication level, because really that's counts for a lot right now....and be careful, this is a man who can be very critical and condescending about you and your issues/past and size you up in a very unfair way yet have an extreme lack of self-awareness to how he is and how his issues affect the dynamic of this relationship. Make sure you call him out on his crap, don't let him get away with it and mold you into this perfect little conformed package that enables the relationship to progress...challenge him. Be aware a man like this will not verbalize this necessarily, but find out how he feels about you...If he doesn't respect your past and where you came from and express understanding, he's likely not to respect you as a person.

 

Don't sacrifice what you need and want and are looking for to make him happy, he will take you for granted, especially if he's this successful guy that gets attention from women and succeeds in other fronts...I'm sure he has an ego on him and has a bit of entitlement issue and that will cross over into his expectations of his future "wife" which may be someone out of this world...with a conservative past, certain family, and someone who is submissive and doesn't challenge him so much but respect his will and word, and may have a lot to prove to himself and others on who he does choose to settle down with, I'm sure he set the bar high...so he's not going to make it easy letting you in, he could want you to "earn" it...which I think you need to make sure you're not another woman pining over his affections and commitment which likely most women he meets do.

[Ruby Slippers]

...but If this man has so many options and choices and he's such a great catch why do you think he has little relationship experience? Do you really think he's just doesn't have those options? What do you think his problems were in his past?

He says it's been by choice. He was very focused on school and his career until last year, when he got a job after he finished his MBA program. He went to a top engineering school, a very demanding one, and said he did absolutely nothing during those 4 years but study and learn. He started a small business and ran it for 2 years after he got his bachelor's degree.

 

He's also religious and conservative (but not dogmatic), and says he was waiting to have sex until he was in love and planned to get married. He says he's had the desire to get married and have a family since mid-20s, but didn't turn his focus to dating till late 20s, when his ducks were in a row and he felt ready.

 

There's a reason he's lived like this in his life, he's got issues.

We all have issues. I'm more impressed by a guy who's been selective and held out for something meaningful than a guy who's had meaningless involvements or slept around just for the hell of it.

 

Dig deeper into the soul of the man Ruby, ask the questions that matter...and let the other things go in one ear and out the other, not that make you feel more secure and "special" in the relationship, like he's taking this really seriously or not, all of those things will be misleading If he just tells you next week he doesn't think it's working anymore (not saying that he is).

I think it's important to make sure early on that you really like each other. I'm not sure that 2 1/2 months in is the time to be asking "where is this going?" and "are you serious about this?" It's still quite early. His actions support that his intentions are for something deeper. He calls me every day and we talk about things that matter, he talks to me about every detail of what's going on in his life and job search, I see him regularly and more and more as we continue, he's adapted in response to every request I've made.

 

His apartment lease is up at the end of the month, and mine is, too. I've gotten a bit of a late start looking for a new place, and he's been asking about it. He's staying at a hotel starting next month, until he gets a new job and confirms where he's going to be living - here or somewhere else. He said that if I don't find something by the start of next month, I'm welcome to stay with him.

 

He also has been telling me about his job leads. He had an initial interview in New York, but then said he took his time doing this test they sent him, because "it's too far from Chicago". Now that his job is over, the only real connection to Chicago he has is me. He had another initial interview in a city that's a 5-hour drive away, and he said that would be much better because it's closer. He also said again that if he finds something somewhere else, he'll keep looking here so he can come back.

 

Make sure you call him out on his crap, don't let him get away with it and mold you into this perfect little conformed package that enables the relationship to progress...challenge him.

I definitely call him on his crap, and though he gets testy about it, I can see that he respects me more for it. I'm not conforming to him. I adapt, as he does, but I'm being myself.

[Imajerk17]

RS, I actually hope you don't post about your relationship for a while. Partly because I hope it goes smoothly, but partly because too much thinking and too many opinions isn't gonna help anything. You gotta leave well enough alone sometimes.

[Ruby Slippers]

RS, I actually hope you don't post about your relationship for a while. Partly because I hope it goes smoothly, but partly because too much thinking and too many opinions isn't gonna help anything. You gotta leave well enough alone sometimes.

Well, even if I'm not posting about it, I'll still be thinking about it. I like being challenged and find most of the advice helpful - I disregard what is not. If this is worthwhile, it'll stand up to challenge.

 

I like that veggirl brought up the relationship inexperience as a risk. It's important to be mindful of these things. I'm not going to do anything drastic because of anything that is said here. But it is possible that I would just dump him rashly without getting outside opinions about how rash I'm being.

 

I think this forum is a good check on my cut and run tendencies, as are conversations with my friends.

[Emilia]

Be careful when a man attempts to pronounce good values rather than demonstrate that on a romantic level, because it doesn't necessarily cross-over in the same manner. Be extremely careful in associating yourself as part of the same group, many men feel that way about things in their life in general because they are in "control" of them, however there's a reason they aren't in a relationship or married, and it's definitely not just always because they haven't found right one...I'm sure he's had good women before If he's all you're saying he is, and men are wiser and more intelligent than that, they know what they're looking for, especially if they demonstrate this in their life...I wouldn't believe they function any differently when it comes to the romantic aspect. They might connect, value, appreciate many things in their life, however the vulnerability alone makes this a whole different ballgame for men...these things like cars, foods, brands, people don't require the kind of "loyalty", dedication, commitment, emotional expression that a lover does, it's on a completely other level. Those things reside on the outer rim and there is no threat to a man like this from these elements.

 

He's obviously looking for a total package, but a man who is not inclined to feel vulnerable may not actually have the confidence to engage the kind of women that threaten him on that level because they fear rejection. Just because attractive women are into him doesn't mean he feels capable of romancing those women, many men are quite more insecure than you would think when it comes to the type of women they see in their league...even women think they can have who they want, don't you know women that feel the same way? Therefore many of these men will go for the less attractive women that they feel more attractive than or desirable for the sake of control and confidence, yet connected to on these other levels...such as values, common interest, etc...that way it doesn't impede on their insecurities of keeping a woman....not that I'm not saying you are not attractive, but If this man has so many options and choices and he's such a great catch why do you think he has little relationship experience? Do you really think he's just doesn't have those options? What do you think his problems were in his past?

 

There's a reason he's lived like this in his life, he's got issues.

 

It's good to make sure someone has good values and all of that, is educated, loves her career yadda yadda, but what is most important is what two people have together...I would ask a man

 

- How do you feel about her?

 

- How does she make you feel?

 

- Do you see a future with her? Do you lover her?

 

- Do you understand each other? How's your communication?

 

- What do you see in her that are possible deal-breakers?

 

The good on paper deal really tells you nothing in terms of the romantic potential of a relationship at all, and then people who screen "romantic" interests with the on paper list always seem to find themselves aloof when something is missing or when they start having real relationship problems. Then they find themselves missing something because they actually expected to find this good on paper person and then institute a romantic level like If it's just some pill you pop....when you can't choose who you love, who you feel for and connect with on another level that is greater.

 

Dig deeper into the soul of the man Ruby, ask the questions that matter...and let the other things go in one ear and out the other, not that make you feel more secure and "special" in the relationship, like he's taking this really seriously or not, all of those things will be misleading If he just tells you next week he doesn't think it's working anymore (not saying that he is).

 

Keep working on the emotional and communication level, because really that's counts for a lot right now....and be careful, this is a man who can be very critical and condescending about you and your issues/past and size you up in a very unfair way yet have an extreme lack of self-awareness to how he is and how his issues affect the dynamic of this relationship. Make sure you call him out on his crap, don't let him get away with it and mold you into this perfect little conformed package that enables the relationship to progress...challenge him. Be aware a man like this will not verbalize this necessarily, but find out how he feels about you...If he doesn't respect your past and where you came from and express understanding, he's likely not to respect you as a person.

 

Don't sacrifice what you need and want and are looking for to make him happy, he will take you for granted, especially if he's this successful guy that gets attention from women and succeeds in other fronts...I'm sure he has an ego on him and has a bit of entitlement issue and that will cross over into his expectations of his future "wife" which may be someone out of this world...with a conservative past, certain family, and someone who is submissive and doesn't challenge him so much but respect his will and word, and may have a lot to prove to himself and others on who he does choose to settle down with, I'm sure he set the bar high...so he's not going to make it easy letting you in, he could want you to "earn" it...which I think you need to make sure you're not another woman pining over his affections and commitment which likely most women he meets do.

 

A very good post, all of it. This is exactly what I was thinking almost word for word when I was talking to a guy a couple of weeks ago, especially the bolded parts. I'm not romantically involved with him exactly for the above reasons. It's so much easier to see it from the outside sometimes.

 

Very well explained, not many people get this.

[Emilia]

However I'm only disappointed when he doesn't make genuine gestures of expression towards you that are vulnerable for men...I understand that there are some who believe this is just a matter of time and patience, a level of comfort and companionship that needs to develop, however at the "boyfriend" stage I don't agree there should be disputes about you coming over to stay at his house nor putting coffee or any other personal belongings in his house. I disappointed that he still has you chasing him and making all the gestures, Is this just a routine he is becoming used to and expects? are you pressuring him too much where he's just giving in because he has to not to lose you? Does he feel emotions and thoughts that he fears or doesn't know how to express to you? It leaves a lot of questions.

 

[....]

 

However when you put on the pressure you need to also back off and let him come to you, there is a pacing situation in here that seems to be an out of balance...he may feel you are too much in control and therefore he becomes vulnerable and backs up. You've got to let him feel like the man and in control, you can't let your emotions compel your insistent persistence in the relationship, so don't carry the weight and responsibility on your back...you've got to let a man come to you, I see too many women chase and chase and chase men thinking that If they don't they're going to get away from them. You've got to let a man show and express that he loves and wants to be with you, or you build a completely one-sided relationship and you end up convincing yourself for the sake of peace of mind that he's investing himself just as much, however the reality is you're really the one controlling and sending hints and expectations to a man which is why he's reacting.

 

Don't condition a man to getting everything easy and served on a silver platter then later complain that he is not reciprocating or doing his part.

 

I've been thinking about this thread some recently because I know a shy and quiet man who probably proves your point. I'm not dating him but I like him, have only met him about 5 times but for someone who is genuinely shy (I've had the chance to observe him with others) he has stepped up his emotional availability towards me.

 

Each time I meet him he builds on the level of closeness we achieved previously, he is vulnerable to a degree (appropriate to our level of closeness) and expresses his desires and wishes to make me understand him better.

 

He is much more relaxed with me now than when I met him first time when he felt uncomfortable speaking a word to me and would get nervous being too close. Now he holds a 2-hour conversation about some reasonably personal things with me and touches my shoulder or back lightly to escalate how we relate to each other. This is all happening because he wants it to and he has the need to reach out this way, we have very little - if any - contact between our meetings within our social circle. Though that might change, will see what his comfort level is.

 

He is good looking and women notice him. He could easily fall back on being reserved and being chased by women (maybe he is sometimes, I don't know him that well) but he is making the effort to let me in in a way that appears to require considerable effort on his part.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, he called last night to tell me he got a good job offer in a city that's a 6-hour drive away. He says he accepted it, and will keep looking for a better job here.

 

He asked if he could come over tonight to discuss our plan for visiting each other. He said he can drive here Friday after work and drive back Sunday at least every other weekend, and I said I'm sure we can figure it out. A friend of mine works for an airline and can get me free tickets to fly standby, so I can probably visit him in the alternate weeks. Since I work for myself, my schedule is very flexible and totally up to me, and I'm completely mobile with my virtual office, which makes it easier.

 

He told me what his salary is going to be. He also asked me my opinion on whether he should get an apartment downtown, or a house a little ways outside the city, which will have a nice big yard, very reasonable rent for lots of space, and great views. I told him my preference (house), but said it's his place so he should pick what he likes best.

 

He said he's relieved he found a good job so fast. He also said I was right that everything was going to work out OK, and was expressing his gratitude for my support, in his own subtle way. He said he's happy and relieved, and I said, "Let's celebrate!" He said, "Yes, to celebrate, I'm going to get you a Kindle." (I've been thinking about finally getting one.) Very sweet that he's celebrating his own success by doing something nice for me I think it's also his thank you for believing in him and cheering him on.

 

Even though it will be a change and I'm aware that anything can happen, I feel really good about things. He's totally been opening up more, talking a little more seriously (he brought up a conversation about kids again), and now he's figuring me in to major decisions. We also just bought tickets for a show on Thanksgiving Day with some friends of mine - so we're already planning to spend major holidays together, which is cool and feels totally right.

 

I will tell you all now that the day I met him, I felt like he could be The One. Honestly, I felt like he was - but wanted to get to know him more before I let myself think about that too much. I'm still not attached to any particular outcome. I know that anything can happen. But even with the issues we've had, I don't think I've ever met a better match for me. I have this strong feeling that if we're together, anything is possible and we can live our dream lives. It's already happening. Magic just seems to follow us wherever we go.

 

We were sitting by the lake this weekend, and the water was washing up in violent waves against the concrete buffer. It kept shooting up this gorgeous wall of water that went on forever, and now and then a big, fully formed rainbow appeared in our view. We were laughing about how amazing it was, and I said something about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He said, "Let's go find our pot of gold," and I said, "I'm in!"

 

I don't think I could ask for much more at this point.

Edited September 11, 2012 by Ruby Slippers

[Emilia]

Well, he called last night to tell me he got a good job offer in a city that's a 6-hour drive away. He says he accepted it, and will keep looking for a better job here.

 

[...]

 

Even though it will be a change and I'm aware that anything can happen, I feel really good about things. He's totally been opening up more, talking a little more seriously (he brought up a conversation about kids again), and now he's figuring me in to major decisions. We also just bought tickets for a show on Thanksgiving Day with some friends of mine - so we're already planning to spend major holidays together, which is cool and feels totally right.

 

I will tell you all now that the day I met him, I felt like he could be The One. Honestly, I felt like he was - but wanted to get to know him more before I let myself think about that too much. I'm still not attached to any particular outcome. I know that anything can happen. But even with the issues we've had, I don't think I've ever met a better match for me. I have this strong feeling that if we're together, anything is possible and we can live our dream lives. It's already happening. Magic just seems to follow us wherever we go.

 

We were sitting by the lake this weekend, and the water was washing up in violent waves against the concrete buffer. It kept shooting up this gorgeous wall of water that went on forever, and now and then a big, fully formed rainbow appeared in our view. We were laughing about how amazing it was, and I said something about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He said, "Let's go find our pot of gold," and I said, "I'm in!"

 

I don't think I could ask for much more at this point.

I don't understand. He's gone, he unilaterally changed your relationship into a long distance one without your consent. Am I missing something?

[Imajerk17]

Well he recently lost his previous position so taking another was a necessity. Even if it is so far away.

[Babolat]

Ruby, I am exactly like your BF and you are exactly like my current GF. The only difference is as a free spirit she parites quite a bit more than I do. I do not think she is an alcoholic, but she does like to drink. It's a social thing for her. When she is with certain social circles, she drinks as they do.

 

Like you, she could be the one though I am struggling with her drinking. She is a weekend drinker, kind of binges, handles herself and is kind of cute and funny when she drinks; it's just that I am not much of a drinker. She does not drink to the point where she passes out or acts stupid or crazy; she just gets a great buzz. She has a background, since her early teens of drinking, partying, doing recreational drugs and it's something I am struggling with.

[Emilia]

Well he recently lost his previous position so taking another was a necessity. Even if it is so far away.

 

Not saying he is in an easy situation but the fact still remains.

[OliveOyl]

LDRs are hard. The main issue outside of the actual required travel and its concomitant expenses is the tendency for the relationship to stay in a suspended, unrealistic suspended honeymoon phase due to the angst of "being apart."

 

I dated my BF for a year before moving in with him. While we didn't have an LDR, we were 45 minutes apart and only saw each other on the weekends. Living together is way, way different. We are happy together, but I'll be first to admit it was kind of a shock to go from weekends to cohabitation. My ex-hubby is currently in an LDR and I can see it's been taking a toll on him.

 

This is not to discourage you in any way... if he's the one-- it's totally worth it. Just to comment that there will be some potential challenges with the distance and if it gets serious, the sooner you close the gap, the better.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't understand. He's gone, he unilaterally changed your relationship into a long distance one without your consent. Am I missing something?

He's explained the specialized nature of his career to me and limited range of good-paying jobs in his field, and I completely understand why he needed to accept a job in another city. I know that he's very driven in his career, and it's one of the things I really like about him. He's very responsible and makes good decisions. I don't question his judgment, because I know he's doing what's best for himself - and you can't be any good to anyone else if you're not strong and doing well.

 

He came over last night, and we talked about it. He said he'd like us to take turns visiting each other every other weekend, and he said we'll spend all holidays and vacation time together, in whichever of our cities we prefer. We agreed that we'll be sure to plan the visits a bit in advance so we know what's ahead. He's also considering my preferences in his search for a place to live - house in a more natural setting vs. apartment in the concrete jungle, for example.

 

Practically, this doesn't change things all that much. Because we're both very busy with work during the week (he was until recently, and will be again), we hardly ever do things during the week, anyway - unless it's someone's birthday or a special occasion. I run a business that keeps me very busy during the week, and he's always pushing himself to lead and advance wherever he works, and does so. Our pattern has been to text a bit during weekdays, talk on the phone for a while at night, then spend the weekends together.

 

The only thing that will change is that we won't be easily available to see each other during the week. But in a real pinch, we could be there pretty quickly, by car or plane.

 

Also, because I'm my own boss and totally mobile, I can easily do extended weekends with him - like Friday-Monday or whatever. As long as I'm in Chicago often enough for meetings with my clients and staff, I'm good.

 

I asked him if he's going to keep looking for a job here, and he said yes, though realistically he will need to be in this position for at least 6 months, so he can make a good impression and get some stuff done. I understand that.

 

If both of our careers work out the way we're planning, we'll most likely both be traveling all over the world for business fairly regularly. So I don't mind trying out a starter version of this lifestyle now.

 

We agreed that we'll see how it goes. If there are problems, we'll talk about them and make adjustments. And if it's not workable, we're not bound to stay together.

 

I'm sad that he won't be in Chicago anymore - but I'm happy that he's been so proactive in making and discussing plans for us to stay together and spend time together. I think he's doing the best possible with the situation.

 

I do not think she is an alcoholic, but she does like to drink.

 

She has a background, since her early teens of drinking, partying, doing recreational drugs and it's something I am struggling with.

Talk to her about it. I drink and smoke marijuana occasionally, and my boyfriend has made comments about it - like calling me a stoner. That just makes me roll my eyes. What I would respond to much better is something like:

 

"I'm concerned about you drinking and smoking for X reason. Is this something you think you can adapt on?"

 

I do drink and smoke less now that we're together, because when we're together, I hardly drink and never smoke. I also asked him if it bothers him when I get a drink with dinner or something, and he said not at all. If it did, it wouldn't bother me at all to abstain.

 

I'm not so attached to these habits, and could easily give up both of them if I knew they were a really big deal to him. But he would need to talk to me calmly and considerately (not in a judgmental way) about it. For me, this guy is husband and father material, and I'm just as willing to adapt as he has been with me.