Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Have you ever dated someone much more conservative and reserved than you? I'm dating a great guy right now, but we just had our first big serious discussion, and it was about how conservative and emotionally reserved he is, versus how emotionally open and expressive I am. It has been starting to make me feel unappreciated, undesired, and sad. I'm like a fiery, wild-hearted Italian, and he's like this proper gentleman from another century. The good points are that he's stable, has a good career he's very serious about, honest with strong values, very cute and sexy, strong and take-charge, independent and sure of who he is and what he wants, intelligent and intellectually curious so we can have amazing conversation about anything at all, a perfect fit for me physically, and completely reliable and solid. The challenging parts are that he's emotionally reserved and not very expressive, pretty uptight and concerned about what other people think of him, conservative with contact, affection, compliments, and so on, somewhat uptight about sex, hardly romantic at all. But he is slowly mellowing out and opening up on all of this, and he seems to be having fun as he does. Any time I tell him I would like him to do something more, like be more affectionate, call me pet names, and that kind of thing, he starts doing it more immediately, and he even tells me he's happy to do it and he loves making me happy. I've tried other approaches, but the only thing that has worked so far is spelling out what I would like very clearly, asking for it in a non-demanding way, and asking if he has that to offer. He says he can't change who he is, but he agrees we can meet in the middle. I told him that if we're not a match, we should let each other go in peace. But we agree that we like each other a lot, and the strong connection feels pretty obvious. I liked him immediately when we met, and he told me the other day that he liked me "in the first five seconds" of meeting, and said that's why he got a little nervous at first. He showed obvious improvement on our date this weekend. He was being noticeably flirtier and more fun, giving me random kisses now and then, making sweet or slightly suggestive comments. He also said in a sweet, sincere way, "It's hard to come up with little things to compliment you about, because I like everything about you." But he did give me little compliments now and then. He also said, "Every time I see you, time just flies. Twenty-four hours go by, and it feels like an hour or two." He told me this time he deleted his dating profile, as opposed to deactivating it, and he's never done that before. He also said it would probably be a good thing for him to become more adept at expressing his emotions and opening up a bit, because even the people who report to him at work tell him he comes across as "emotionally cold", and "all business". The other day I told him he sounded like a robot. And he made a cute joke about being a robot last night. I have also adapted to his style. For instance, I can tell that he strongly prefers when I let him make the moves sexually. Sex seems to go best when I hang back and let him unwind as the date progresses, then make his move once he feels comfortable and ready to go for it. When I do this, he comes at me with confidence, steers everything, and we have the best sex. In the earlier stages, when I would sometimes get impatient and drop little hints and make small moves on him, he would tighten up, and even once called me "aggressive". Has anyone been in a couple with this dynamic? How did it go? What helped? 2
serial muse Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) Have you ever dated someone much more conservative and reserved than you? I'm dating a great guy right now, but we just had our first big serious discussion, and it was about how conservative and emotionally reserved he is, versus how emotionally open and expressive I am. It has been starting to make me feel unappreciated, undesired, and sad. I'm like a fiery, wild-hearted Italian, and he's like this proper gentleman from another century. The good points are that he's stable, has a good career he's very serious about, honest with strong values, very cute and sexy, strong and take-charge, independent and sure of who he is and what he wants, intelligent and intellectually curious so we can have amazing conversation about anything at all, a perfect fit for me physically, and completely reliable and solid. The challenging parts are that he's emotionally reserved and not very expressive, pretty uptight and concerned about what other people think of him, conservative with contact, affection, compliments, and so on, somewhat uptight about sex, hardly romantic at all. But he is slowly mellowing out and opening up on all of this, and he seems to be having fun as he does. Any time I tell him I would like him to do something more, like be more affectionate, call me pet names, and that kind of thing, he starts doing it more immediately, and he even tells me he's happy to do it and he loves making me happy. I've tried other approaches, but the only thing that has worked so far is spelling out what I would like very clearly, asking for it in a non-demanding way, and asking if he has that to offer. He says he can't change who he is, but he agrees we can meet in the middle. I told him that if we're not a match, we should let each other go in peace. But we agree that we like each other a lot, and the strong connection feels pretty obvious. I liked him immediately when we met, and he told me the other day that he liked me "in the first five seconds" of meeting, and said that's why he got a little nervous at first. He showed obvious improvement on our date this weekend. He was being noticeably flirtier and more fun, giving me random kisses now and then, making sweet or slightly suggestive comments. He also said in a sweet, sincere way, "It's hard to come up with little things to compliment you about, because I like everything about you." But he did give me little compliments now and then. He also said, "Every time I see you, time just flies. Twenty-four hours go by, and it feels like an hour or two." He told me this time he deleted his dating profile, as opposed to deactivating it, and he's never done that before. He also said it would probably be a good thing for him to become more adept at expressing his emotions and opening up a bit, because even the people who report to him at work tell him he comes across as "emotionally cold", and "all business". The other day I told him he sounded like a robot. And he made a cute joke about being a robot last night. I have also adapted to his style. For instance, I can tell that he strongly prefers when I let him make the moves sexually. Sex seems to go best when I hang back and let him unwind as the date progresses, then make his move once he feels comfortable and ready to go for it. When I do this, he comes at me with confidence, steers everything, and we have the best sex. In the earlier stages, when I would sometimes get impatient and drop little hints and make small moves on him, he would tighten up, and even once called me "aggressive". Has anyone been in a couple with this dynamic? How did it go? What helped? Hi Ruby...I don't talk about specifics about my relationship much on here, but this post struck me because I relate to it quite strongly. In my relationship with my H, I'm very emotionally and physically expressive and open, and my H...well, not so much. I know that he loves this about me, and he has told me several times that he feels much more comfortable in this arena - cuddling, using pet names, whatever shmoopy stuff - than he ever has in his past. I'm sure that's largely because the atmosphere is one where that's accepted and desired. So that's great. There is a downside, though...even though he has become more expressive...I mean...well, it's all relative, isn't it? I come from a physically affectionate family; he doesn't. So we have really different ideas of what the "norm" is, and the fact is that what feels to him like a big effort can feel miniscule to me. And so there are times when I feel like I'm doing all the work of being physically affectionate and initiating closeness, and he's frustrated because he feels like he's trying. Now, we both know, intellectually, that nobody's right and we're both invested and trying to be kind to each other; but as described above, hurt feelings do arise on both sides, nevertheless. So we've both had to face the fact that, to make this work, we've each had to step a bit out of our respective comfort zones. His challenge is to be willing to reach out more and express things he still isn't comfortable expressing; mine is to remind myself that this discomfort isn't a personal rejection and to snap myself out of taking it that way (a lot harder than that makes it sound). I guess what I'm saying is that it helps a lot if you remove blame from the issue. Not saying that's what's going on with you and your BF, but I well know that blame can creep in there when feelings get hurt, and it's really good to keep an eye on it. Edited August 13, 2012 by serial muse 7
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Wow, thank you for your post. This really helps! I have been tempted to just dump him a few times over this, because his distance totally brings out my insecurities and fears. I am kicking butt in my life right now, taking everything up in a big way, and I don't want some guy with a stick up his butt dragging me down. But then I have to realize all the other wonderful ways he's influencing me positively - with my business, for example, and my principles, productive use of my time. Being with someone at such a high level of ethics and performance is just demanding that I shake off the baggage holding me down. I had PMS when we had our big discussion, and I'm sure that didn't help This weekend when we were together, I was so impressed with how much he had moved in my direction. I feel that he is really showing a clear commitment to working with me on this stuff. He has been dumped for this reason before, by someone he says he really liked. The difference is she never spoke up about it - but it was so obvious to me by his description of events that she felt pretty much the same way I do. I was tempted to dump him, too, but I decided to take a risk, tell him how I feel, and give him a chance to step up. I emphasized that there was no pressure, and if we're just not a match, we can and should move on peacefully so we can both find someone compatible. I'm giving it a little more time. Whatever happens, I think this is very educational for both of us. It's definitely forcing me to be very honest with myself and him, and very brave! 5
FitChick Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 What sign is his Venus in? I find that Venus in Aquarius can be a bit like this but there are other determining factors in the chart. The reason you two are together is precisely because you have a lot to learn from and teach each other. That is the purpose of a relationship. Just don't let it become one-sided and a chore. 2
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 His Venus is in Libra. Sun in Virgo, Leo Rising, Moon in Scorpio, Mars in Leo, Mercury in Libra. We line up very well astro-wise.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Also, he's Virgo and I'm Cancer (I'm also Virgo rising). I have read that a common issue between these 2 signs is that Cancer sees Virgo as emotionally icy, and Virgo sees Cancer are over-emotional. I can just see us in 20 years with me waving a rolling pin around and screaming at him in the kitchen.
ThaWholigan Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 His Venus is in Libra. Sun in Virgo, Leo Rising, Moon in Scorpio, Mars in Leo, Mercury in Libra. We line up very well astro-wise. He's a Virgo with a Scorpio Moon. Will take him a while to open up completely, but under that reserved nature is a deeply emotional man. Give it time.... Especially with a romantic Libra Venus. What are his house positions? 1
ThaWholigan Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Also, he's Virgo and I'm Cancer (I'm also Virgo rising). I have read that a common issue between these 2 signs is that Cancer sees Virgo as emotionally icy, and Virgo sees Cancer are over-emotional. I can just see us in 20 years with me waving a rolling pin around and screaming at him in the kitchen. I live with my Cancer mother, and it's very much like this, but I have Mars in Aries so every now and then I will have minor explosions for 5 mins and then calm down and say sorry afterwards .
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Also, we are both strong, independent leader types, and a friend of mine who has met him twice says he imagines we are fighting a bit for control. I can't deny that. The times we get along best are when one of us pretty much completely surrenders and trusts the other one to lead. I just can't surrender ALL THE TIME. He has to cater to me sometimes, too. And I know we would be totally bored with a partner who just did whatever we wanted. Here's his full chart: Planetary positions Sun - Virgo Moon - Scorpio Mercury - Libra Venus - Libra Mars - Leo Jupiter - Libra Saturn - Libra Uranus - Scorpio Neptune - Sagittarius Pluto - Libra True Node - Leo House positions Ascendant - Leo 2nd House - Virgo 3rd House - Libra Imum Coeli - Scorpio 5th House - Sagittarius 6th House - Capricorn Descendant - Aquarius 8th House - Pisces 9th House - Aries Medium Coeli - Taurus 11th House - Gemini 12th House - Cancer
KungFuJoe Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 You said you thought about dumping him? Then why are you still with him? What that tells me is one of two things... You don't know yourself enough to fully understand what you want from someone. Or... You do know what you want but you're willing to settle. Which is it? Because people don't change...and I think you know that. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Wait, this come up, too. I know nothing about the houses... Sun in Virgo, Moon in Scorpio *Ascendant in Leo, Sun in the Second House *Sun in the Second House *Venus in the Third House *Saturn in the Third House *Moon in the Fourth House
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 You said you thought about dumping him? Then why are you still with him? What that tells me is one of two things... You don't know yourself enough to fully understand what you want from someone. Or... You do know what you want but you're willing to settle. Which is it? Because people don't change...and I think you know that. Well, I have never found everything I want in one person, and I have been relationship-oriented since I first started dating. So that tells me I'm probably going to have to let some of the things I want go. This guy has more of what I want than anyone I've met in years. I keep giving it more time because it feels worth it. Even if it fails, I'd rather give it a fair shot than be hasty in ending it. Then I can move on knowing I gave it everything I could, and won't have to wonder. 1
ThaWholigan Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Also, we are both strong, independent leader types, and a friend of mine who has met him twice says he imagines we are fighting a bit for control. I can't deny that. The times we get along best are when one of us pretty much completely surrenders and trusts the other one to lead. I just can't surrender ALL THE TIME. He has to cater to me sometimes, too. And I know we would be totally bored with a partner who just did whatever we wanted. Here's his full chart: Planetary positions Sun - Virgo Moon - Scorpio Mercury - Libra Venus - Libra Mars - Leo Jupiter - Libra Saturn - Libra Uranus - Scorpio Neptune - Sagittarius Pluto - Libra True Node - Leo House positions Ascendant - Leo 2nd House - Virgo 3rd House - Libra Imum Coeli - Scorpio 5th House - Sagittarius 6th House - Capricorn Descendant - Aquarius 8th House - Pisces 9th House - Aries Medium Coeli - Taurus 11th House - Gemini 12th House - Cancer Wait, this come up, too. I know nothing about the houses... Sun in Virgo, Moon in Scorpio *Ascendant in Leo, Sun in the Second House *Sun in the Second House *Venus in the Third House *Saturn in the Third House *Moon in the Fourth House I've been reading a lot about houses and stuff, and how they work in my own natal chart. Not too much synastry stuff, but I know a little bit.... With a Moon in 4th, it indicates that his emotions are very much tied to his family/home life, and this has likely shaped his mode of feeling. A 3rd house Venus helps a little by him being able to communicate freely, and thus understand (with the help of Libra) and mediate without letting any criticism about this affect him. There's no aspect between the two, unless minor, so I'm guessing here. Seems like a good communicator though, I wonder where his planets fall in your chart. I'm more interested in your Sun being in his 12th house in Cancer to be honest - that suggests an almost ethereal union, and one that would enable you to see into facets of him that nobody else would ever know of. Likely this is why he has been able to start opening up and showing you a new side of him. It's probably quite liberating for him and for you. Likely I can guess neither of you will forget each other. 1
newmoon Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Some people on the boards have mentioned this book before, but perhaps you should look at "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It details how people express their love and affections in different ways. It sounds to me that your 'love' styles and manner of expression are different. Plus men, in general, will usually have a difficult time expressing emotions because well.. they are men. So, it's a guy thing too. Your post is similar to my own relationship in that my bf of about 15 months is very emotionally distant/cold and I always feel like I'm the one initiating romance and affection. It can definitely work out when you express things differently, but you'll have to always be aware of those differenes and not expect that he'll change. As you mentioned, he makes chanegs when you tell him, but unless it's his natural way of being, it'll only be short-term. Don't try to change him, or any man to suit what you need - that is a really bad way to be in a relationship and leads to resentment, fights, etc. Accept how he is and either work with it, or find someone as open and loving as you seem to want. My bf isn't how I'd like, at all, but what I have learned to do is look at his behaviors all the time. Is he treating me with respect? Doing things without me asking? etc. Behaviors as opposed to open affection are actually better indicators. And, as someone posted in terms of astrology... my bf is an aqua venus and those men... yikes... like ice sometimes!
KungFuJoe Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Well, I have never found everything I want in one person, and I have been relationship-oriented since I first started dating. So that tells me I'm probably going to have to let some of the things I want go. This guy has more of what I want than anyone I've met in years. I keep giving it more time because it feels worth it. Even if it fails, I'd rather give it a fair shot than be hasty in ending it. Then I can move on knowing I gave it everything I could, and won't have to wonder. If you let it go, make sure you fully understand how important it is for you. There are levels of importance that we place on the attributes we want our partner to have. Some are deal breakers, others are "would like to have but not big deal otherwise". From what you've mentioned, it sounds like he is not emotionally compatible with you. I consider that a deal breaker. This isn't something like leaving the toilet seat up. It's a huge deal. I don't know how else to explain it other than when it works....it just works. My last gf and I had a TON of physical chemistry. And we were mentally compatible as well. But emotionally...it just wasn't there. And after one year, nothing changed. Got to a point where we both agreed that we should just see each other for sex. And it was the best we ever got along. If he's the strong silent type but you need someone more vocal and expressive to the point where you have to TELL him to call you pet names...you guys just sound like you're on two very different wavelengths. 1
crosswordfiend Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Well, I have never found everything I want in one person, and I have been relationship-oriented since I first started dating. So that tells me I'm probably going to have to let some of the things I want go. This guy has more of what I want than anyone I've met in years. I keep giving it more time because it feels worth it. Even if it fails, I'd rather give it a fair shot than be hasty in ending it. Then I can move on knowing I gave it everything I could, and won't have to wonder. I think it would help you greatly to realize that you will never get everything you want. Ask yourself the following question: if this issue resolves itself, is it in your nature to find something else wrong with the guy to fixate on?
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) With a Moon in 4th, it indicates that his emotions are very much tied to his family/home life, and this has likely shaped his mode of feeling. This totally makes sense. He has told me SO many stories about his formative years with his family, even telling me rather personal things about his family early on. He lives far away from them because of his career, but they are obviously very important to him. Seems like a good communicator though, I wonder where his planets fall in your chart. Here's my chart - does this help? Sun - Cancer Moon - Sagittarius Mercury - Cancer Venus - Cancer Mars - Virgo Jupiter - Taurus Saturn - Leo Uranus - Scorpio Neptune - Sagittarius Pluto - Libra True Node - Scorpio Ascendant - Virgo 2nd House - Libra 3rd House - Scorpio Imum Coeli - Sagittarius 5th House - Capricorn 6th House - Aquarius Descendant - Pisces 8th House - Aries 9th House - Taurus Medium Coeli - Gemini 11th House - Cancer 12th House - Leo I'm more interested in your Sun being in his 12th house in Cancer to be honest - that suggests an almost ethereal union, and one that would enable you to see into facets of him that nobody else would ever know of. I felt this immediate powerful connection with him - like he's a soul mate I was supposed to meet. It may sound ridiculous, but right when I met him, I felt like I could see this inner light radiating out of him. Sometimes he has this magical glow around him - in some ways, it feels like I've known him forever. Likely this is why he has been able to start opening up and showing you a new side of him. It's probably quite liberating for him and for you. Likely I can guess neither of you will forget each other. I think you're right. I was really surprised by the things he was telling me early on, in the quiet dreamy times. He often says things to me that just totally floor me and make me wonder how in the hell he knew that, or picked up on that so fast. Sometimes when we rouse in the night, he talks to me and says reassuring things - but I think he's doing it in his sleep, because he never remembers it in the morning. It's always so sensitive and caring. It's like this soft side of him he fights to keep in during waking life. Edited August 13, 2012 by Ruby Slippers 2
serial muse Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) Also, we are both strong, independent leader types, and a friend of mine who has met him twice says he imagines we are fighting a bit for control. I can't deny that. The times we get along best are when one of us pretty much completely surrenders and trusts the other one to lead. I just can't surrender ALL THE TIME. He has to cater to me sometimes, too. And I know we would be totally bored with a partner who just did whatever we wanted. I can't really speak to the astrology part, but I can say that fighting for control sounds familiar. They do say that the things one finds initially compelling about a partner can be the very things that ultimately will drive you crazy (whether they're similarities or differences, I guess!). I know how you feel about the idea of "surrendering", so to speak - it's been probably the biggest issue that H and I have had to work out. I love being with someone strong and intelligent and sensitive...although sometimes it's an incredible pain in the butt. And I'm sure he feels the same way. But what he and I have been working on is recognizing that nobody really has to surrender so much as simply respect one another's emotional landscape, despite the fact that the landscape is somewhat unfamiliar at first. When respect is a given, I really do think that treaties that benefit all parties are entirely possible! The first step is taking a breath and recognizing that nobody is out to hurt anybody. I think the most important thing is to remind yourself that you aren't antagonists; you're on the same side. And believe me when I say that I know it's easier said than done. Edited August 13, 2012 by serial muse 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 I can't really speak to the astrology part, but I can say that fighting for control sounds familiar. They do say that the things one finds initially compelling about a partner can be the very things that ultimately will drive you crazy (whether they're similarities or differences, I guess!). Yes! I already feel like I kind of love and hate him. The double-sided sword of passion!
serial muse Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 If you let it go, make sure you fully understand how important it is for you. There are levels of importance that we place on the attributes we want our partner to have. Some are deal breakers, others are "would like to have but not big deal otherwise". I wanted to comment on this, because it is of course an excellent point. It really does come down, in a sense, to understanding what's really a dealbreaker for you and what isn't. And it might take a while to know, with this guy, where that line is for you. Which is OK too. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 As a very affectionate, emotional and expressive guy myself I can tell you that this has to come from within, not from how someone else wants you to be or treat them...that might work for a little while but ultimately he'll revert back to who he is and comfortable with and then you'll be having the same fight indefinitely when he forgets or doesn't sustain it, except he'll eventually stop trying and shut down after time because of the pressure and just merely the fact that he now knows you desire that open expression and might even feel insecure about this or decide that he doesn't belong in a relationship or has some issues here. I feel confident in saying that I'm more expressive and affectionate than most women...at least that I have met, and for me it's a big part of grown and communication...more of a bonding for me. If you can't connect to a person on that level I don't see how you can progress emotionally rather than just hit a wall. So even for myself, I meet women who have a hard time expressing how they feel and expressing emotionally on my level in a relationship, they get bottled up but don't know how to say it, I have to pull it out of them but it does work...but since women are more emotional than men this is a much easier process than I'd imagine it is for men...however I usually get men to open up as well because I have "real" and genuine conversation and I'm open...and I believe men want to be open as well they just see it as vulnerability and they are insecure about it...only by demonstrating an alternative perspective and showing them how I can be open yet still confident and secure do they realize that crossing that line doesn't make them less of a man or a victim...it actually empowers them and helps them grow, because I believe a confident man isn't afraid to express how he feels or worried about judgment or ridicule from other men or women...this doesn't mean you wear your heart on your sleeve or throw your personal business around. Anyway, my personal issues strike a bit further in the emotional process with vulnerability which I won't get into..but I'm not saying I have perfected the process but I understand it thoroughly regardless. But I have grown from an introverted more conservative guy in my youth to a much more expressive and extroverted type personality who's much more liberal...but it was a process and how you were raised does have an affect..however I did not come from a very affectionate childhood...some of it was and some of it wasn't...It was more abusive so people can draw their own conclusions from that as I'm sure everyone has their theories. Ultimately It's going to be a process...a very long tedious process for him to change. You'll see spurts of change and progress but he's been the way he has for some time, being that he can emotionally disconnect at work or act like a robot is a characteristic that leads to success...as I do that personally in a work environment to retain objectivity and focus, yet I balance that by listening to other employees and letting them feel heard and understand and try to respond to that...but generally I'm like a general on a battlefield, I make calculated choices when it comes to business but I don't let that intervene with my personal life although I can definitely disconnect as a defense mechanism. You have to be able to accept who he is now, not who he can or you hope him to be...a "better" version of him. You have to value his demeanor and characteristics, trying to change or "improve" him will only lead you down the road many other women spend ages trying to do with their current men. Acceptance is going to be the key to this relationship long-term, there might be some little improvements here and there but If you want this openhearted connected in touch with himself kinda guy who's good with his words and makes you melt into butter just by looking into you eyes and telling you how amazing you are in an articulate and expressive way you're likely asking for too much. His robotic nature likely may also have something to do with how he was raised and how his family dynamic works...it would be worth looking into to get a better idea of how and who he is...we are very much influenced by our parents behavior or people that raised us and had a significant role in our development. My grandfather is Mr. Robot...he would never hug me but pat me on the back real hard to say hi and it felt like a 2x4 hitting my back when I was a kid and would knock me off balance. He always was hard on me growing up and was tough as nails and emotionless. I learned growing up to see his behavior and see through that, I could see the veil or how he was holding back...It taught me how to be strong but at the same time felt tormented by not being to express how I felt to anyone...It wasn't the way I wanted to live so I learned to change from that as he played a big role in my teenage years as my father was gone. Your BF has to recognize that pattern in himself and figure out why he's like that and how he wants to change...It's how he deals with emotions, vulnerability and expression which likely makes him feel very uncomfortable and out of control and you have to decide If you're the woman for that job and he's in a position to actually want to trust you and make a big leap to change...however this is long-term and expect a lot of delays, and he may never change. 7
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 I think it would help you greatly to realize that you will never get everything you want. Ask yourself the following question: if this issue resolves itself, is it in your nature to find something else wrong with the guy to fixate on? I don't think so. I think I have been very patient. I have been surprised at how patient I've been! But at this point, I need to have some idea that my feelings for him are reciprocated, before I invest more emotionally. I simply cannot move forward without feeling that balance from his side. It's OK if it's not there - but he's telling me it is there, he just has difficulty expressing it. So again, unless I want to end it, I'll have to be patient some more.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 My grandfather is Mr. Robot...he would never hug me but pat me on the back real hard to say hi and it felt like a 2x4 hitting my back when I was a kid and would knock me off balance. He always was hard on me growing up and was tough as nails and emotionless. He does this, too!!! He is kinda awkward and uncomfortable with hugs (but quickly improving), and SLAPS me on the back/hips/whatever all the time. This is his way of showing affection!! I have asked him more than a dozen times to STOP SMACKING ME!!! lol Now I just say OWWW every time he does it. Finally I explained last night that I want him to rub me softly and handle me like a flower, not SMACK ME because it hurts! He did it my way for a while, then went back to the smacking. I like him so much I am just trying to put up with it!! Some day I might punch him in return, though!
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Oh, and something else I remembered - not sure if this matters here... but he told me that in school, he was the kid who beat up the bullies. So, the kids getting picked on would come to him, and he would swoop in and kick the bullies' butts, then protect the weaker kids. He comes across as very sensitive and finicky, but strong as a bull.
serial muse Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 He does this, too!!! He is kinda awkward and uncomfortable with hugs (but quickly improving), and SLAPS me on the back/hips/whatever all the time. This is his way of showing affection!! I have asked him more than a dozen times to STOP SMACKING ME!!! lol Now I just say OWWW every time he does it. Finally I explained last night that I want him to rub me softly and handle me like a flower, not SMACK ME because it hurts! He did it my way for a while, then went back to the smacking. I like him so much I am just trying to put up with it!! Some day I might punch him in return, though! Haha, I have a friend who does this, sort of. As is consistent with me, I'm kind of a hugger, what can I say. But I understand that not everyone is, and so try to adjust accordingly. I have this one friend who is very uncomfortable with hugging, and she does that thing where she awkwardly pats people while physically staying as far away as possible. I don't try to hug her because I don't want to make her uncomfortable and anyway, I'd rather just smile at someone and say "bye" than be patted weirdly. In fact, come to think of it, I've observed that in several different people. Some people just don't like/know how to hug. Makes me wonder about whether their parents hugged them much. (There I go being judgmental! Stop that, me.)
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