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24 hours to prove i'm sorry. What actions would a woman accept as good enough?

Ipso_Facto

By Ipso_Facto
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Ipso_Facto New Member

Ipso_Facto

Posted
Posted

Hi people.

 

Im in a relationship with this amazing woman for some 9 years and she is my fianceé for some 8 months now. Last week she found that ive cheated her in two separate occasions in the last 2 years.

 

Initially I denied it all in hopes of salvaging some part of our relationship, but as it only made it worse, i admitted what ive done, told her about how i felt, how and why i ended up cheating on her. We are having these discussions everyday now for a week or so and she doesnt seem any less angry or any less forgiving. I suppose its too soon for her to feel any different but im trying to show her that im for real, i know what ive done and accept the consequences of it but at the same time i really want to be her, marry and grow old with her. If anything, cheating on her and living with this imminent breakup feeling, seeing how i hurt her in ways i didnt really think of, see her cry...ill never do it again, but she understandibly doesnt believe me.

 

Last night i asked again for a chance to make it right and she agreed...only that she gave me 24 hours (now 18 and counting) to show a sign that i really mean what i said. Now, she wants some action, something visible , not just words and promises. This was the best i could get so i agreed, and if i cant convince her then we're done.

 

So, what can i do i this situation that can be as foolproof as possible?

 

I would imagine flowers & chocolates wont do in a situation like this, especially with only 18 hours. So, what can i do?

darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

Posted
Posted (edited)

"why ended up cheating on her"

 

you must offer counseling and/or buy her something she's always wanted but can't afford

 

but why did you end up cheating on her?

 

it's the "end up" I'd have trouble with - you pulled down your pants and got on with a scr*w - these are not an uncontrollable acts of fate that anyone "ends up" a victim of - put the blame on yourself instead of the process of "ending up" will-power, Ipso

Edited by darkmoon
Appleness Established Member

Appleness

Posted
Posted

Ummm,

 

Sorry but from a woman's point of view, you're asking her to do the impossible so she's giving you an impossible task too. Women don't forget that you cheated (and TWICE oy vey!) and certainly from other posts I've read...men don't either. It will take YEARS to regain someone's trust again. Giving someone an ultimatum of 24 hours is also unreasonablee though and I think she knows it. It's not as though she expects you to bring their heads and a platter.

 

Look Ipso, you know her best. And yes flowers and chocolates won't cut it. You have to be sincere and you have to use the remaining (15?) hours to sit down and really really think about where you went wrong (what caused you to cheat to begin with) and how you'll solve it (have a definite plan of why you'll never do it again). Then hope for the best. Results are not guaranteed. You're literally asking her to take a huge risk on what she sees as a "not very sound" investment. If she gives you another chance, then make good on your promise. You'll have to spend the rest of your life proving it. If she doesn't, well then I hope you learn from it. You can't cheat and win in life. Just doesn't work like that.

 

Nonetheless, good luck.

  • Like 1
weallfalldown Established Member

weallfalldown

Posted
Posted

mat3e.......you ****ed with the trust............you are walking into hell......believe me!!!....run now whilst you can...:lmao:

fucpcg Established Member

fucpcg

Posted
Posted

You know what, if you have to come in here and ask strangers how to fix things with a woman you've been with for 9 years, that you cheated on as of recent.... that's about an ominous a warining sign that I could think of that you two won't make it. Flowers and chocolates for cheating? No those actually are for valentines day. Good luck man, and unless you can figure this out on your own, juste write her a farewell card.

Sav Established Member

Sav

Posted
Posted

The best gift you can give her is to leave her and set her free. you're obviously not in the right mindset to be in a relationship.

  • Like 2
2muchlove Established Member

2muchlove

Posted
Posted

Come on guys.

 

We all know better.

 

While he may have cheated and lost her trust, he's asking for our help. Not a slap on the wrist. Especially from people that don't even know him.

 

9 years is too long to give up on someone in a split second. Especially if the love is still there (whether or not you think there isn't because he cheated on her).

 

Ipso. I'm no specialist on the subject matter. Especially on a 9 year relationship. But I do know that it's possible to keep her in your life for the good.

 

What that is I don't know. But as previous posts stated, you know her best. If you love her and want to be with her as much as you say you do then there shouldn't be any problem convincing her as long as you speak from your heart.

 

If you don't love her as much as you say or think you do, then it might be wise to take some space for the both of you.

 

Best of luck. I hope it works out.

weallfalldown Established Member

weallfalldown

Posted
Posted
Come on guys.

 

We all know better.

 

While he may have cheated and lost her trust, he's asking for our help. Not a slap on the wrist. Especially from people that don't even know him.

 

9 years is too long to give up on someone in a split second. Especially if the love is still there (whether or not you think there isn't because he cheated on her).

 

Ipso. I'm no specialist on the subject matter. Especially on a 9 year relationship. But I do know that it's possible to keep her in your life for the good.

 

What that is I don't know. But as previous posts stated, you know her best. If you love her and want to be with her as much as you say you do then there shouldn't be any problem convincing her as long as you speak from your heart.

 

If you don't love her as much as you say or think you do, then it might be wise to take some space for the both of you.

 

Best of luck. I hope it works out.

 

 

afternoon my friend :)..... He's broken the most fundamental thing......trust

She'll never forgive him in her mind....and how long till she wants revenge?

 

sorry bro....:p

  • Like 1
Sav Established Member

Sav

Posted
Posted
afternoon my friend :)..... He's broken the most fundamental thing......trust

She'll never forgive him in her mind....and how long till she wants revenge?

 

sorry bro....:p

 

Yeap, I agree. Be it women or men, they will never forget it when their partner cheats. :\ it's safe to say the trust is gone and it will only go downhill

  • Like 1
2muchlove Established Member

2muchlove

Posted
Posted
afternoon my friend :)..... He's broken the most fundamental thing......trust

She'll never forgive him in her mind....and how long till she wants revenge?

 

sorry bro....:p

 

haha whats up man, no hard feelings. Because I don't entirely disagree with you on that.

 

I'm just saying he's asking for ways to make it work with her. Not what could happen down the line.

 

The least we could do is just give him our two cents on how to fix it. Not how hes "DOOMED!" to fail.

 

If it doesn't work then we will see him back on here anyways to grieve the relationship. But I honestly hope it works out for them both.

Sav Established Member

Sav

Posted
Posted
haha whats up man, no hard feelings. Because I don't entirely disagree with you on that.

 

I'm just saying he's asking for ways to make it work with her. Not what could happen down the line.

 

The least we could do is just give him our two cents on how to fix it. Not how hes "DOOMED!" to fail.

 

If it doesn't work then we will see him back on here anyways to grieve the relationship. But I honestly hope it works out for them both.

 

Theeeen, one way could be cutting complete contact with the women he cheated on and sending them a text saying it was a mistake and he loved his gf? And show it to her :D

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted
Hi people.

 

Im in a relationship with this amazing woman for some 9 years and she is my fianceé for some 8 months now. Last week she found that ive cheated her in two separate occasions in the last 2 years.

 

Initially I denied it all in hopes of salvaging some part of our relationship, but as it only made it worse, i admitted what ive done, told her about how i felt, how and why i ended up cheating on her. We are having these discussions everyday now for a week or so and she doesnt seem any less angry or any less forgiving. I suppose its too soon for her to feel any different but im trying to show her that im for real, i know what ive done and accept the consequences of it but at the same time i really want to be her, marry and grow old with her. If anything, cheating on her and living with this imminent breakup feeling, seeing how i hurt her in ways i didnt really think of, see her cry...ill never do it again, but she understandibly doesnt believe me.

 

Last night i asked again for a chance to make it right and she agreed...only that she gave me 24 hours (now 18 and counting) to show a sign that i really mean what i said. Now, she wants some action, something visible , not just words and promises. This was the best i could get so i agreed, and if i cant convince her then we're done.

 

So, what can i do i this situation that can be as foolproof as possible?

 

I would imagine flowers & chocolates wont do in a situation like this, especially with only 18 hours. So, what can i do?

 

No amount of flowers, chocolate, tears, "I'm sorry's," gifts, or promises is going to show her you mean it. You cheated. This makes you a cheater. You then lied to her face. This makes you a liar. You have no excuses for "why you cheated."

 

You're already not taking responsibility for your sh*t and that's a huge red flag to me. Instead, you're putting the blame on something else.

 

OWN UP TO YOUR SH*T.

 

If it's one thing that infuriates me most, is when cheaters think they have some sort of REASON or JUSTIFICATION for being unfaithful. You don't. Sorry. You were weak. You became a disrespectful cheater. You could have done a million other things besides what you did. So step one, is to fully acknowledge what a piece of doodoo you really are. Don't try to say "I made a mistake" because be real... cheating is not a mistake. You made a choice. Not once. BUT TWICE.

 

Stop saying you're sorry. Once is enough. But your "sorry's" mean absolutely dick if you keep doing it. Which, you did. So honestly, I don't think you hold any remorse since you've done it more than once. I think you're feeling the heat now that you were caught.

 

Couples counseling is going to be the only thing that gets you through this. That's a fact. I took back a cheater, and I NEVER looked at him the same way again. I hated him. I despised him. Even after staying and hoping to work it out, the trust was gone. I couldn't believe one word out of his mouth. He made me miserable. Being with him made me sick. I had horrible days where I did nothing but cry, other days where I wanted to throw rocks at his face.

 

You are NOT going to have it easy from this point forward. Just know her emotions will be up, down, up, down, up, down. She's going to have bad days, HORRIFIC days, and OK days. She's not going to trust you at all. You'll most likely see her completely detach from you, act nastily to you, become super clingy and demanding she see your phone, computer, email... whatever she wants to see, (IF YOU WANT TO STAY WITH HER), you show her.

 

The only way a victim of infidelity moves on is if the cheater becomes completely transparent and does everything possible to ensure his/her healing. This means no blameshifting, no gaslighting, no sweeping it under the rug.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity

 

Do your homework.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted
Yeap, I agree. Be it women or men, they will never forget it when their partner cheats. :\ it's safe to say the trust is gone and it will only go downhill

 

Completely agree.

 

Sorry OP. I was the girl that stayed with her cheater. And this is EXACTLY what happened. Despite all of my, "I want to move past it, I forgive you, we'll be stronger..."

 

It's a load of garbage. You're done.

weallfalldown Established Member

weallfalldown

Posted
Posted

true........i'm tjust a typical unforgiving scorpio.........

2muchlove Established Member

2muchlove

Posted
Posted
Completely agree.

 

Sorry OP. I was the girl that stayed with her cheater. And this is EXACTLY what happened. Despite all of my, "I want to move past it, I forgive you, we'll be stronger..."

 

It's a load of garbage. You're done.

 

Yea in all honesty it is a relationship killer.

 

I stayed with my girl after she cheated on me 2 months into the relationship. And it's true, she became so much more of an amazing girlfriend because of it. But I guess it was something I couldn't let go because I never really trusted her after that as much as I couldn't admit to it.

 

And then I cheated on her 6 months later...

 

I still don't think she knows. But either way. It's not easy to move past it completely.

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

Posted
Posted

Sorry, but I think it's probably best to let this relationship go. It doesn't sound like you're the type to be in a committed life-long monogamous relationship with anybody, and trying to convince her otherwise is probably futile. You cheated not once, but twice during your relationship. How do you expect to be able to stay faithful during an entire lifetime, especially when you've been together for decades and experience all the ups and downs that marriage brings? Do yourself and her a favor and see the reality that you are not marriage material, rather than try to make promises that you are not likely to keep. To start a marriage with broken trust and this kind of baggage to live with is just too difficult to overcome. Not a good plan.

  • Like 1
weallfalldown Established Member

weallfalldown

Posted
Posted
No amount of flowers, chocolate, tears, "I'm sorry's," gifts, or promises is going to show her you mean it. You cheated. This makes you a cheater. You then lied to her face. This makes you a liar. You have no excuses for "why you cheated."

 

You're already not taking responsibility for your sh*t and that's a huge red flag to me. Instead, you're putting the blame on something else.

 

OWN UP TO YOUR SH*T.

 

If it's one thing that infuriates me most, is when cheaters think they have some sort of REASON or JUSTIFICATION for being unfaithful. You don't. Sorry. You were weak. You became a disrespectful cheater. You could have done a million other things besides what you did. So step one, is to fully acknowledge what a piece of doodoo you really are. Don't try to say "I made a mistake" because be real... cheating is not a mistake. You made a choice. Not once. BUT TWICE.

 

Stop saying you're sorry. Once is enough. But your "sorry's" mean absolutely dick if you keep doing it. Which, you did. So honestly, I don't think you hold any remorse since you've done it more than once. I think you're feeling the heat now that you were caught.

 

Couples counseling is going to be the only thing that gets you through this. That's a fact. I took back a cheater, and I NEVER looked at him the same way again. I hated him. I despised him. Even after staying and hoping to work it out, the trust was gone. I couldn't believe one word out of his mouth. He made me miserable. Being with him made me sick. I had horrible days where I did nothing but cry, other days where I wanted to throw rocks at his face.

 

You are NOT going to have it easy from this point forward. Just know her emotions will be up, down, up, down, up, down. She's going to have bad days, HORRIFIC days, and OK days. She's not going to trust you at all. You'll most likely see her completely detach from you, act nastily to you, become super clingy and demanding she see your phone, computer, email... whatever she wants to see, (IF YOU WANT TO STAY WITH HER), you show her.

 

The only way a victim of infidelity moves on is if the cheater becomes completely transparent and does everything possible to ensure his/her healing. This means no blameshifting, no gaslighting, no sweeping it under the rug.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity

 

Do your homework.

 

jeez kat, i think i'll turn you down for that drink, i want my balls intact....:lmao:

  • Like 3
KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted
jeez kat, i think i'll turn you down for that drink, i want my balls intact....:lmao:

 

I don't take sh*t off nobody. Especially not cheaters. If you're a gentleman, you shouldn't be worried... ;)

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