Blue_Unicorn Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 So this is my story: I was in a long-distance relationship with a guy Peter for 10 months. We were very happy, loved each other a lot, he cared for me deeply and his sister said that I was very important to him, he also said he'd never felt so content with anybody before. Peter has had a lot of problems in the past. Was bullied at school, his dad cheated on his mum and left them when he was young, and also sexually abused his sister, he was diagnosed with a chronic health condition, and his last girlfriend was incredibly needy and abusive, so much so that when he tried to break up with her she got pregnant to try to keep him (she had an abortion), and then tried to kill herself. His messed Peter up pretty badly. He said that for about a year after that he never thought he'd be in another relationship as he's never felt satisfied by them. He's also an incredibly withdrawn person. I think he's got a bit of a personality disorder. He has only one good friend, prefers being alone, can't deal with change, has very extreme beliefs and views, is hugely stubborn, finds it hard and exhausting to deal with overly emotional situations. When we had fights in the past, he gets incredibly defensive and blames me, making out that I have the problems. Anyway after about eight months into our relationship a lot of really awful stuff happened to me. My grandmother whom I really loved died, I parted ways with my oldest best friend, a good friend of mine killed himself, I started having panic attacks and anxiety, I'd also moved house as well as changing jobs before this too. I was incredibly distressed and scared about the panic attacks, and so turned to Peter for support. We'd always been really open with one another, able to completely be ourselves. So because of this I relied quite a bit on Peter. He definitely gave me support but also said that he couldn't always be there for me because it was too emotionally draining for me. But he still loved me and said he was very content. A lot was going on in his life too. He had decided to move down to the same city as me, he'd quit his job, sold his house - this from someone who had been in the same job for 10 years, the same city all his life, the same house, who couldn't even go overseas as he'd get too panicked and anxious. He then found out that the uni course he was going to do here, that he'd been planning to do for ages, had been cut. He now had no prospects at all. A couple of weeks before we broke up he came down to look for houses to rent. He was obviously very stressed even though he didn't really show it. This unfortunately was just the period when I was going through the hardest time with my anxiety. He was staying with me, living with me. I really needed him to be there for me and strong, and he really needed me to be there for him and strong. Neither of us could be. We had a big fight and almost broke up, but I managed to convince him to stay together. During this break up he told me in tears that he just couldn't give me the support I needed, and then afterwards that breaking up was his "default" action when things got hard, because he knew he could function on his own, he knew he could cope ok. But after we reconciled he was fine again, went back to seeming very happy. Obviously very happy to be back together and settled. Anyway the last few days before he was due to go back home to finish the sale of his house etc, I had a few days for really bad anxiety. He withdrew his affection and just wasn't supportive at all. Then he left. This was the worst week of my life with my anxiety - it was just SO bad. During this week he didn't call me at all. I called him after a day, and he said that he needed space and for me not to read anything into that, that he still loved me. But then six more days went by and I didn't hear from him. I called him and asked him how he was. He sounded very distant and emotionless, it didn't sound like him at all. I asked him how he was feeling about us, and he said that "I don't mean to be cruel but I haven't been missing talking to you this past week at all". Well what could I say to that? I said "Well I guess we should break up then". He agreed. We then talked a bit more, but he sounded so different and weird that I didn't even recognise him, as though he was completely detached from the man I knew and loved. We then hung up. I called him back later that night to say I'd made a mistake and still loved him, and he said that he honestly still loved me, but that love wasn't enough, that we weren't right for one another, that he thought I was more confident and resilient, and fulfilled, but obviously I wasn't. He blamed it all on me!! Anyway I had to let him go. I tried to move on, but the problem is I still love him so much. I was truly happy with him. I spoke to his sister who is a friend of mine, and she doesn't know what happened, she's puzzled. She said that he always talked about me as though I was a long-term "forever" thing. And he was obviously SO happy when we were together. She suggested that I just focus on myself, and let him focus on himself and that in time we might get back together. It's now been six weeks, and he's unfriended me on facebook, and hasn't contacted me. He's moved down here, and has found a place to live. I've heard from friends who say that he's pushing everyone away, and that his best friend who he's NEVER been angry with in over ten years of friendship, he's incredibly pissed off with and has cut out of his life. His sister won't tell me much, but from how she acts I can tell she's finding him hard to deal with. I decided to contact him last week because as we had broken up over the phone, I wanted to see him. I asked him to come and pick up something of his at my place. He came around and acted like he was fine. There was no warmth there at all. He didn't ask me anything about myself, and wouldn't even stay for tea. Didn't appear interested in me at all, and definitely didn't want to talk. After he left I emailed him to say that I still loved him and was willing to fight for him, and that I had been really happy in our relationship, and that we both had been through very stressful times of late. He wrote back a very patronising, logical email, blaming me in an indirect way for not being strong enough for him. Then he went on to say the exact opposite of reality, saying that he was opening himself up to those around him, and that he was happy and fulfilled. It was very hurtful, but because I still loved him I wrote back an email full of compassion and warmth saying I was always there for him, and wished him well. Anyway that's where I am now. I know I should let him go and move on, that he doesn't "deserve" me after how he's treated me. But I truly truly love this man despite everything and can't believe what has happened. I feel that he's just in a really stressful place at the moment and that after some time he will snap out of it, see things for how they are and regret this whole thing. What should I do? Is there any chance of us getting back together in the future do you think? Sorry for the length of this post!!!!
Lisa_Lisa Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Stop reaching out to him. I know you love him and want to make it work, but he's against it right now. If he starts to miss you he'll come back on his own, but you can't force it. The more you give, the more sad you'll feel when he doesn't reciprocate the way you want him to. Be strong. Let him do what he wants to do with himself right now. Don't worry about him because he's certainly not worrying about your feelings at the moment. 1
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