cocorico Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Recently there have been posts where the A has led to people hating themselves. In the past there were many where the A led to people hating their (f)AP. and of course some where people have for various reasons hated the BS. Did your A lead you to hate anyone? Who? Why? Do you think this was/ is a healthy response?
OpenBook Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 My A opened my eyes to the hate that resides within a M. To this day I am grateful not to be in those shoes. But try as I might, I could not bring myself to hate my xMM. There's a good reason why I fell in love with him, and that reason didn't go away. I can't say I still love him now. But I don't hate him. Just glad to be away from him! 1
MourningLosses Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I don't hate anyone. My friend who stayed with his wife said in email that he hated me. I can only assume his strong feelings for me have had to turn negative to cope with his marriage. They have to make me the common enemy.
hermione08 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I've been in NC for a month and I'm in the Anger stage Yes, I hate him because he's destroyed whatever faith I had in him (we were a couple many years ago, he was my first love and I was his) and the beautiful memories of the past. He did not need to look me up, find me and made me believe this was our second chance when all he wanted was eat cake. I hope I will stop hating him soon. It hurts.
skywriter Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Recently there have been posts where the A has led to people hating themselves. In the past there were many where the A led to people hating their (f)AP. and of course some where people have for various reasons hated the BS. Did your A lead you to hate anyone? Who? Why? Do you think this was/ is a healthy response? NO, I don't hate anyone. I may hate some choices that I've made, I may hate some of the XMM's choices and behaviors. I hope that doesn't give the impression that I harbour hatred in my heart for him though. I think it would be a waste of my time and efforts to hate anyone. I believe it is an unhealthy response. Anger, now that's another story entirely.
Owl Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I DID hate OM for a good while after my wife's EA. Remember, he not only engaged in an emotional affair, but betrayed something of a "friendship" as well. In retrospect...it was just his method to get closer to my wife. But...over time...I've forgiven him. I hope he has a long and healthy life, as long as he remains out of mine and hers.
road Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I don't hate anyone. My friend who stayed with his wife said in email that he hated me. I can only assume his strong feelings for me have had to turn negative to cope with his marriage. They have to make me the common enemy. You were the enemy. A marriage is for two people. You gladly became the 3rd wheel.
jwi71 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Did your A lead you to hate anyone? Who? Why? Do you think this was/ is a healthy response? Hate is such a strong word. How about short term intense anger? Hate mere;y ties you to the other - and seems to be quite the heavy burden. My current life has enough problems without me carrying around residual hate from the past. That's one I think I'll choose to leave behind. Who? I hated my xWW and the OM for a period time - even myself when I filed for D. It wasn't really hate though - just deeply felt and held pain - pain of betrayal, pain of loss, shock too. Internally, it was pretty ugly. I can't imagine how anyone would want to carry that or its residue. Why? I won't refer to myself - I think its fairly obvious why the BS feels that "hate". Which, oddly enough, is the same reason the OW feels it - betrayal. IF there is one thing virtually A's have - its that moment of realization that the MM, despite all the words of the contrary, won't deliver (the D). Yeah, that would pretty much pizz off anyone. Hurts too - invariably feelings of "not good enough" come around and it becomes a downward spiral. Combined with the secretive nature of this R to begin with (how often we hear "I have no one to talk to") - OW are left spinning. OM too. So, you get intense anger at betrayal from someone who invested so much, gave so much and got nothing in return. No one likes getting played - or feeling as such. Is it healthy? Short term - yes. Anger is simply a stage of the grieving process. We all hit it. Just don't get stuck in it. Don't get lost in it. That's the unhealthy part. 3
Summer Breeze Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I hated my xH for being so neglectful to my daughter after we separated but he's the one who lost out on the deal. I probably did hate him for what he did to me but since I really don't remember I can't imagine it'd be that deep a hatred. I don't hate me for leaving. I'm still proud I had the courage to leave.
Got it Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 No, I don't think there is anyone in this world that I hate. Hate is a very strong word.
MissBee Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Recently there have been posts where the A has led to people hating themselves. In the past there were many where the A led to people hating their (f)AP. and of course some where people have for various reasons hated the BS. Did your A lead you to hate anyone? Who? Why? Do you think this was/ is a healthy response? I think the feeling of hatred/anger after being either lied to or dragged along etc. are normal and necessary emotions to feel, particularly at the beginning of one's healing journey. Also being disappointed in yourself, which I imagine some probably use the hate, as an exaggeration (I know I often use the word hate for even more simplistic things than that, when perhaps my feelings aren't that strong but it's a hyperbole) is normal too, esp if an A for you was something against your morals. However, if the anger/hatred is extended and carries on endlessly, then yes it can be detrimental. I initially felt hatred towards my exAP at the beginning of our separation and during the early stages of me healing from it. I eventually processed it and moved on from feeling that way. 2
Silly_Girl Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I think anger is different to hatred. At times, looking back, I felt sadness, other times anger, never ever hatred for anyone involved. None of us deserved hatred for their part in what happened. 1
j'adore Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 May I ask why you hated him? I am not fully familiar with your story and I never understand why this happens. I often get accused of being snide or having contempt, so please know I mean no disrespect. I just do not understand why this happens unless there was a big blow out or falling out. We have had a big blow out recently a big D day, we met today and we don't hate each other at all. I don't think we ever will. We both agreed that after what we had been through we actually still felt the same, like it never happened.
TigerCub Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Anger - yes Hating him, me, or his gf - No. I hate that now because of the A I have this blotch on my record. Obviously, not a real record, and obviously I know that I was never perfect and everyone has flaws, but I do regret and hate this is actually on my list of mistakes (something I never imagined would ever be on that list).
MissBee Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 May I ask why you hated him? I am not fully familiar with your story and I never understand why this happens. I often get accused of being snide or having contempt, so please know I mean no disrespect. I just do not understand why this happens unless there was a big blow out or falling out. I felt at the time that he "made" me invest in him and the situation, he pushed everything more than I did and then I felt like with NC he abandoned me after a while to go back to his "real life". Especially since we didn't talk about it and it happened with a gradual decrease of contact, I felt he was cruel for not explaining it or saying bye but simply disappearing.
stillwater Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Hate? No. Never. About the closest thing to hate I feel is a complete lack of respect for her. Before this happened we were friends, and I just feel like she completely played me, then in the end went back to her H like it never happened. I wish I could just forget that the whole thing happened so I could go back to a point where I didn't know she was capable of treating people that way. I miss my friend. In reality though I miss who I thought my friend was. (I realize I'm inviting people to point out reasons why I deserve no respect as well. C'est la vie.)
SidLyon Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) Recently there have been posts where the A has led to people hating themselves. In the past there were many where the A led to people hating their (f)AP. and of course some where people have for various reasons hated the BS. Did your A lead you to hate anyone? Who? Why? Do you think this was/ is a healthy response? No my A did not lead me to hate anyone, but did lead me to a decision to have no more As. [i'm referring to my A as a very long ago WS (not married and not my fWH), although I was never an OW.] I don't think long term hate is good for people, but I see that it is a very normal reaction to an A. As a BW I have never felt such hate as I did for the OW, who I don't even know. Edited August 13, 2012 by SidLyon
spice4life Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Hate anyone? No. I can't say I do. There were times during the anger phase where it felt like hate, but I knew that it wasn't. The reason I knew it wasn't was because I accepted full responsibility for my actions. I own/ed them and if I didn't allow myself to step over line, it would have never happened in the first place. How can I hate someone else for the choices I made? I can't. I think it's unhealthy to stay stuck in the anger phase. Its just phase and a very important part of the healing process. You must allow yourself to feel it and once you do then you are able to let it go. Hence closure.
tryingto Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 This question really made me think... And this is my conclusion (although, it could change as I am in the early stages of grieving, I guess), I don't regret meeting him or loving him or what we experienced. I definitely wish it had been under different circumstances and not tainted by the type of relationship it was. I also wish that I had been more cautious and realistic about the probable outcome. He encouraged me to believe our "ending" would be different and for quite some time I believed him. I vacillate right now between hurt, anger at him and anger at myself but I don't hate either of us. 1
MourningLosses Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I hate what he's doing to me and I don't understand why such cruelty was needed. He could have ended it gently. I would have understood, even admired that.
Radagast Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I hated my (now ex-)wife during the affair and I wished her dead. My counsellor said that that was normal and to be expected after thirty-plus years of abuse, and that it was simply the depression I had felt for decades lifting and being directed to the appropriate target. Of course some days I still feel very angry toward her, other times I feel sad that I could not save her, but most of the time I feel absolutely nothing at all toward her. I felt anger and disappointment towards myself, that I had not lived up to promises I'd made to rescue her and to fix her and to make everything work out, and that I'd allowed myself to be treated like that for so long, and that I had not been stronger especially for the kids. I was disappointed that I'd not been able to be honest with my (now ex-)wife and that I'd been unable to sustain my track record of three decades of faithfulness to my then-wife. But I would not go as far as to say I hated myself, and counselling helped me to work through why I chose and acted as I did and helped me develop the competencies I needed in order to do better next time, should one arise.
MissBee Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) Thank you for sharing that, that makes sense to me. If you felt you'd been manipulated with falsehoods I can see how that could lead to those feelings. I've never felt like that in my relationship so I never see it that way. That perspective makes it clearer why some people may end up with feelings I couldn't understand. I didn't feel like I was manipulated with falsehoods. I've said on here before that my situation, compared to some stuff I've read here, was pretty mild. There was no dday, there was no crazy drama, I didn't expect him to leave and he never tried to sell me that story about how awful his life was and how he was gonna leave when XYZ happened, I was younger, I'm still young, but I was even less concerned about settling down back then, I dated other people etc. As many people having As do, he omitted or downplayed certain things or probably in the moment promised certain things he couldn't deliver, but I wouldn't say he manipulated me with falsehoods. Although, I'd say he did skew the situation through omission of certain things. I think the core of it was probably anger at myself as well, because I knew how it would turn out...I told him myself, and he insisted it wouldn't be that way....so when it came to pass I just felt extremely let down by him and by myself, for getting attached to him. In any case, the type of anger and disappointment I felt was similar to what I felt when a single bf of mine and I broke up. It too was abrupt and didn't make sense to me. I felt like I invested and he had also pushed the relationship more...he did not manipulate me or sell me falsehood, but just like with my exAP, I think my response to that shock was to feel like I was bamboozled and then left alone, so that made me very angry...but as they say, anger usually masks hurt. I think the feelings of anger/hatred were actually feelings of deep hurt. Edited August 14, 2012 by MissBee
Recommended Posts