Donna999 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Hi everyone, I don't have anyone to talk to about my situation so I thought a forum like this would be good. Here's what happened: Boyfriend and I dated for 6 months. It wasn't perfect, but I'd say things were pretty good. By the time we hit 4-5 months things kept getting better. I was at a good place at this time, I was just finishing up an out of town internship and I was happy how things were going overall. My boyfriend went out of the country for family matters for 2 weeks while I was away, and upon his return he told me that he had something to tell me. Right when I left to go out of town, and before he left the country, he had cheated on me. I was so shocked that he was capable of this, I would never have suspected it. What he did was go to some sort of sex club and picked up some random lady and they had sex. When he was explaining it he said it was mechanical and more of an experiment than anything. He didn't enjoy himself at all he said. He said it wasn't at all like when we have sex. We don't have a problem there at all, so it wasn't because he wasn't getting any from me... What I gathered was that he wasn't sure whether he had deep feelings for me or not, or whether what we had was only sex. He also talked about not being sure about wanting to be in a relationship as another reason. He had never had sex with a stranger and he said the curiosity was really itching him. He said he had to know what it felt like, what went through the heads of people who slept with strangers. He also had never been in a serious relationship before being with me despite being 28 (I have been in 3 serious relationships that lasted each over a year). So those are his reasons, in a nutshell. When he first told me I was losing it, I broke down, and so did he. Nobody ever saw him cry, but we stayed together for 3 days and cried a lot and shared a lot. This was a month ago. Since then we've grown much closer. We talk more, whenever I am getting sad he talks to me, he's there for me, like he always has been. That hasn't changed...things like him driving half an hour to get me in the middle of the night. We've also gone on a short trip and done lots of activities together. Lately he's been saying that he's sure that "I'm the one"...and when I asked what about before he cheated, he said he wasn't so sure and didn't understand his feelings. Now he feels more sure about me. He has apologized throughout the whole thing and he knows he really messed up. This has been no easy ride, every day I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I want to drive over and punch him, others I want to run away, but more of the time I want him to comfort me and reassure me. He gets my angry and emotional texts regularly. He has assured me that he would never do that again, but as we all know there are no guarantees. Though it gets better, I have thought about leaving on a daily basis because I wonder whether I'm making a logical decision (he did it once, why would I risk my emotional wellbeing with him again?) and whether he is actually capable of doing it again. Despite these worries I am giving "us" a chance. This experience has allowed me to mature as well, and look at some behavior of mine that was less than ideal. I see that he has excellent qualities and I don't think he could ever intentionally hurt me. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but he did, and he regrets it but knows he can't undo it. He has apologized throughout the whole thing and he knows he messed up. What I'm doing now is trying to have as many good times as possible together and see where things go. I take it one day at a time. He has high hopes for the relationship, but my feelings are wavering because what he did. He doesn't want to lose me, but he couldn't hold onto what he did so he told me, but this has compromised the relationship. The thing is, we have become so much closer because of this. I wonder if anyone has some advice as to how to cope and how I can look at this situation in a different light. Thanks so much in advance everyone Donna
BetrayedH Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) Your decisions and reactions are all perfectly normal and yes, there are a multitude of people here that have experienced it. You'll probably hear two schools of thought: (1) You are young, unmarried, and unencumbered by children in this relationship. It is much harder to leave when those things are involved. Some will say to get out now since you have discovered this character flaw. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Or... (2) Once a cheater, not always a cheater; twice a cheater, always a cheater. He voluntarily disclosed his affair. I've been reading here for about a year and a half. This doesn't happen very often; most cheaters lie, deny, and minimize the damn thing forever. The fact is that it takes a wayward who is truly remorseful and a betrayed person who is truly forgiving in order to reconcile after infidelity. The fact that he voluntarily disclosed is a huge indicator that he is truly remorseful. But there's more. He should not expect any level of privacy for some time to come. In fact, he should embrace any opportunity he has to reestablish trust with you. This would mean providing you with all of his passwords to email, FB, his phone and so forth. His whereabouts, who he is with, and having good boundaries about being with the opposite sex are fair game. And he should do it without defensiveness. And he should expect your anger and never expect for you to "get over it." It will take whatever it takes for you to heal from the damage that he created. He doesn't get a vote about how long your busted lip is bleeding from when he punched it. So I think the question is how you feel about his remorse and also about whether or not you can forgive. There is no rush to make this decision and it is common to take 2-5 years to truly reconcile. I understand the camp that would say to dump this dude and move on. I might even agree considering how difficult it is to reconcile and how new this relationship is for you. But I have to tell you, infidelity is everywhere. It absolutely amazes me. I'm almost starting to see it as a mandatory phase to go thru in life either as a wayward, betrayed person, or an other man/woman. I think just about everyone falls into this damn trap at some point. It's freaking awful but it's true. Even some of the best people are susceptible given the right circumstances. I think I would actually much rather choose someone that has experienced how terribly damaging infidelity is (learned from it) rather than someone who has yet to experience it. If you have a SO that has made a one-time mistake, voluntarily confessed, and is doing whatever he can to make it right, well, maybe he is worth the investment as much as anyone else out there. I think you have to decide if he is worth it. Try to take out all of the lovey dovey feelings and really look at his character with your head. This incident is clearly one huge red flag. Is it isolated? Or are there others? This is a tough decision and one that people wrestle with all the time. Is this guy worth the risk? Would you rather take a risk with someone that had never done anything like this before? Some might say his past behavior is the best indicator of his future behavior. Others might think he is less of a risk because he has learned his lesson. Sadly, there are NO guarantees with anyone you choose. I suggest you keep posting, keep reading, and keep sharing more about what he is and isn't doing to get a better idea if you are on a decent track or not. It's early days for you. Good luck. Edited August 13, 2012 by BetrayedH 1
GLDheart Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Two things of note: 1. The Bad = He has some kind of maturity or insecurity issue. and 2. The Good = He told you the truth. So apparently he's a messed up guy but atleast he's honest about it.
Author Donna999 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 This is sound advice. Thank you both very much. He is trying, he knows he screwed up. This has been emotionally draining on him, but I'm having a hard time sympathizing..Wonder why.. He lets me use my phone to track where he is all the time. That gives me some comfort, but I don't want to be checking up where he is forever. He also has the ability to track me just to be fair... And that's not a problem because I don't have anything to hide. I enjoy spending time with him, but I'm feeling more like his friend and less like a lover some days... My feelings waver all the time, so it'll take a while to figure out how I really feel after all is said and done and the dust settles. One more thing... I'm feeling less loyal towards him, like I'm even considering going out with some other guys.. Nothing physical, just talking (and I'd make sure they knew my situation). Part of me wants to know... Is he so special that he's worth staying for? Maybe I should suggest an open relationship until thugs are sorts out.
GLDheart Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 ... I'm feeling less loyal towards him... ...Is he so special that he's worth staying for? Pretty healthy response. His actions seem to have "killed it" for you. If he's a dope he won't even notice as you drift away. I wonder if he cares enough to do what it takes here... after all he did go out and nail another woman.
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