Jane2011 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 What do you all think? Does it depend on how long you and the first person were together? Is it the lowest of the low to date the friend of an ex-gf or ex-bf of yours? My situation is this: I dated someone for just two months last year (in November and December). Met him on OkCupid. We ended because he was in an open relationship with his girlfriend, and that, of course, messed everything up. I couldn't handle it, she couldn't handle it. No one could handle it. I lost a really hot Indian guy (I mention that because there's an Indian guy thread on this board right now) in the emotionally intense turmoil. I mean, here's the thing. I wasn't even with him all that long. He did call me his girlfriend, and I called him my boyfriend, when we were dating. But two months isn't long. Recently, a classmate of his contacted me on OkCupid (and it happens to be an ex-classmate of mine, too). I lived the university life not long ago, so a lot of my social life still stems from there. (The men were in the Philosophy dept., and I was in the English dept.; a few overlap classes). Anyway, his friend/classmate contacted me to go out, not knowing I was with the other guy. And I kinda like the new guy. So...I'll be dating the friend of a guy I used to date. No big deal, though, right? He's not really a friend of the first guy as he is a friendly classmate (and they've gone for coffee together a time or two). Big deal or no? p.s. I'm not so much looking for feedback on my situation (although you can chime in on that if you want) as I am offering a thread that gets conversation going about the concept. Some people think it is a huge insult to date friends of an ex, some think it's just part of life and smallish social circles.
AlexCross Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 What do you all think? Does it depend on how long you and the first person were together? Is it the lowest of the low to date the friend of an ex-gf or ex-bf of yours? My situation is this: I dated someone for just two months last year (in November and December). Met him on OkCupid. We ended because he was in an open relationship with his girlfriend, and that, of course, messed everything up. I couldn't handle it, she couldn't handle it. No one could handle it. I lost a really hot Indian guy (I mention that because there's an Indian guy thread on this board right now) in the emotionally intense turmoil. I mean, here's the thing. I wasn't even with him all that long. He did call me his girlfriend, and I called him my boyfriend, when we were dating. But two months isn't long. Recently, a classmate of his contacted me on OkCupid (and it happens to be an ex-classmate of mine, too). I lived the university life not long ago, so a lot of my social life still stems from there. (The men were in the Philosophy dept., and I was in the English dept.; a few overlap classes). Anyway, his friend/classmate contacted me to go out, not knowing I was with the other guy. And I kinda like the new guy. So...I'll be dating the friend of a guy I used to date. No big deal, though, right? He's not really a friend of the first guy as he is a friendly classmate (and they've gone for coffee together a time or two). Big deal or no? p.s. I'm not so much looking for feedback on my situation (although you can chime in on that if you want) as I am offering a thread that gets conversation going about the concept. Some people think it is a huge insult to date friends of an ex, some think it's just part of life and smallish social circles. Sounds like one big retarded Good Will Hunting love triangle
madjac74 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Sounds like one big retarded Good Will Hunting love triangle There wasn't a love triangle in Good Will Hunting. Were you just trying to sound smart and that's the best you can come up with? Anyhoo I think dating a close friends ex is forbidden ...especially a friend who has recently divorced....but if you are in a large circle of acquaintances then dating amongst each other is fine.
kaylan Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Wow...dating an friend ex is a big no no, same for dating an ex's friend. I would not be friend anymore with a guy who did that. Thats a severe breach of man code.
USMCHokie Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I feel that in situations like this, the responsibility for the decision rests with the friend of the ex. Assuming you have no friendship or contact with your ex, there is no link to be "accountable" for, only the link to the new guy. However, the new guy still remains "accountable" to his friend in regards to you. As for you, you can date whomever you please, as you owe nothing to the ex.
USMCHokie Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 There wasn't a love triangle in Good Will Hunting. Were you just trying to sound smart and that's the best you can come up with? No, Good Will Hunting took place on a university campus...which is where OP originally met the two dudes. That's where the reference can be made.
USMCHokie Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Wow...dating an friend ex is a big no no, same for dating an ex's friend. I would not be friend anymore with a guy who did that. Thats a severe breach of man code. But as the girl, why would she care? It's up to the bro to make that decision and live with the consequences.
madjac74 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Wow...dating an friend ex is a big no no, same for dating an ex's friend. I would not be friend anymore with a guy who did that. Thats a severe breach of man code. Would you date your ex's friend?
Author Jane2011 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 I guess what I'm wondering is...is the guy (the original guy, open relationship guy) even really "my ex" at all? I only dated him for two months. Bunch of people on this board told me it wasn't like a real boyfriend anyway. The other thing is that I think the new guy doesn't care because they're not good friends. They're like intellectual friends. They talk(ed) at school because they share an interest in Philosophy, attended some of the same functions/conferences because they're in the same dept., and apparently have gone for coffee a couple times. But the 2nd guy says "I'm not good friends with him."
USMCHokie Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 But the 2nd guy says "I'm not good friends with him." Then this means that he's prepared to face whatever consequences may come, even if it means he'll lose him as a friend. You are in the clear.
Author Jane2011 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Thanks, USMCHokie. Yeah, I don't think the 2nd guy gives a damn at all.
USMCHokie Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I guess what I'm wondering is...is the guy (the original guy, open relationship guy) even really "my ex" at all? I only dated him for two months. Bunch of people on this board told me it wasn't like a real boyfriend anyway. This is irrelevant. Unless you maintain some sort of relationship with him now, your past status with him has no effect on your current status with anyone else. That is, unless you are required to "check in" with the "ex" if you're dating anyone else...
ThingsAreComplicated Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 "Dating an Ex's Friend - How Taboo Is It?" happens all the time, no big deal
madjac74 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I guess what I'm wondering is...is the guy (the original guy, open relationship guy) even really "my ex" at all? I only dated him for two months. Bunch of people on this board told me it wasn't like a real boyfriend anyway. The other thing is that I think the new guy doesn't care because they're not good friends. They're like intellectual friends. They talk(ed) at school because they share an interest in Philosophy, attended some of the same functions/conferences because they're in the same dept., and apparently have gone for coffee a couple times. But the 2nd guy says "I'm not good friends with him." I thought you mentioned you weren't interested in opinions on your own situation? In "your" situation you are fine and you shouldn't feel any guilt because their relationship seems like nothing more than an acquaintance
kaylan Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Would you date your ex's friend? Not a chance. An ex is an ex for a reason. So why would I still want to have her or her friends in my life. When I break up with a girl, I remove anything that has to do with her from my life. Plus, I wouldnt want to come between someones friendship.But as the girl, why would she care? It's up to the bro to make that decision and live with the consequences. Well, if I as a guy found out a girl did something like that in the past, I would pass on her. It just comes off kinda shady to me to date an ex's friend. You dont get in between friends imo. I think both the guy and girl as messed up in such a situation.
Author Jane2011 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 I thought you mentioned you weren't interested in opinions on your own situation? In "your" situation you are fine and you shouldn't feel any guilt because their relationship seems like nothing more than an acquaintance I said the thread wasn't meant to be confined only to my situation. But that if people wanted to comment on it, they could. Since they did, I followed up with a question related to my situation. Anyway, yeah, I agree with you. I think they're a little more than acquaintances, but not good friends either.
kaylan Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I thought you mentioned you weren't interested in opinions on your own situation? In "your" situation you are fine and you shouldn't feel any guilt because their relationship seems like nothing more than an acquaintance If they are just acquaintances then no big deal. If they are good friends, then I think its kinda messed up. 1
madjac74 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I said the thread wasn't meant to be confined only to my situation. But that if people wanted to comment on it, they could. Since they did, I followed up with a question related to my situation. Anyway, yeah, I agree with you. I think they're a little more than acquaintances, but not good friends either. OK then let's put it like this...would you guys dating ruin their friendship or make things awkward? If they spend a lot of time together then it is likely that all 3 of you would be together regularly.
Author Jane2011 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 OK then let's put it like this...would you guys dating ruin their friendship or make things awkward? If they spend a lot of time together then it is likely that all 3 of you would be together regularly. Here's the deal. One of them just graduated (the one I'm starting to date), the other (my former involvement/open relationship person) has a year left. So they won't see each other at school anymore. They would possibly see each other at lectures/conferences; they live in the same area, and sometimes go to the local university to listen to speakers, etc. I don't know if it would make things that awkward. It depends on how much leftover feelings or just "possessiveness" the first guy has toward me, and that I just don't know. I haven't spoken to him since May. He didn't voluntarily split with me. He was still attracted to me and wanted to be with me, but his long-term girlfriend, who has greater pull with him, wouldn't let him see me. So, I don't know. He might still feel quite possessive of me, and he might not. I figure guys can feel possessive even if it was their life situation that caused the break-up. Plus, he (the first guy) knew I wanted him. He may just feel possessive of my having wanted him, and not like me with someone he knows. But anyway, no, I don't get the impression they spend a lot of time together. I was trying to get that information out of person # 2 last night. He had coffee with person # 1 just three weeks ago, but said they're not good friends. So, to try to get a sense of things, I said, "So you guys just talked at school, but the coffee outing was just an anomaly? You don't go for coffee all that much?" He then said "well, we've been for coffee a couple of times, and sometimes he shows up to such-and-such meeting [intellectual junk]..." Who knows. But bottom line is that he says they're not good friends. He also apparently doesn't care. I sense they're not good friends.
madjac74 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 I think you are fine to date with no worries then especially since your ex is ok with open relationships. In fact I am not sure why you are stressing things now but you were ok with dating someone who currently had a girlfriend How very convenient for your ex
Author Jane2011 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) I think you are fine to date with no worries then especially since your ex is ok with open relationships. In fact I am not sure why you are stressing things now but you were ok with dating someone who currently had a girlfriend How very convenient for your ex Well, the two things have nothing to do with each other. Also, keep in mind that I said "I couldn't handle" the open relationship thing. Just because I got in it doesn't mean I was okay with it. Many people try things at various times in their lives. I'm not generally okay with men who have women other than me. Not at all. I'm still not against open relationships, though. I think they make some sense and have the potential to be fulfilling. It's just that they're hard to make work, and I think most people/couples don't succeed. I guess you could say I'm cynical toward, but not against. Anyway, thanks for your feedback! Edited August 13, 2012 by Jane2011
madjac74 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Well, the two things have nothing to do with each other. Also, keep in mind that I said "I couldn't handle" the open relationship thing. Just because I got in it doesn't mean I was okay with it. Many people try things at various times in their lives. I'm not generally okay with men who have women other than me. Not at all. I'm still not against open relationships, though. I think they make some sense and have the potential to be fulfilling. It's just that they're hard to make work, and I think most people/couples don't succeed. I guess you could say I'm cynical toward, but not against. Anyway, thanks for your feedback! You are welcome! But if you are open to an open relationship then you are likely to fail. They do not work! You might as well be friends with benefits
Author Jane2011 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 You are welcome! But if you are open to an open relationship then you are likely to fail. They do not work! You might as well be friends with benefits Yeah, I think you're right. I'm lucky I'm out of it now.
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