yeah Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I don't regret my one and only A with a MM, because I learned a lot about my own strengths and weaknesses. By ripping the bandaid off after 5 months, I feel I came out much stronger in character and wiser than before. I am at a place now where I no longer feel remorseful when I happen to recall the "good times" we had, and instead of giving him credit for the good times, I realize now that it was my own brain that was making me happy. I'd never believed in fate before, until I met xMM, I thought we were soul mates, thrown together by fate- I clung as long as I did because I feared I would never have such a strong attraction or connection with another person again, but now I can see how naive I was. I have moved on to the point where I can understand that the good times that felt so amazing *in the moment*, spontaneous and carefree, were happy times caused by my own brain, not by him or even "us", just my own optimistic thoughts during that time. I also recognize that the bad times I endured internally, the inevitable anguish and jealousy once the fog started to clear, by far overshadowed the good, and I would never want to intentionally endure that again. The only thing I would have done differently was end it about 2 months earlier, just enough time for me to feel the pain and sting of knowing it was never going anywhere and he was full of ****, but not long enough for me to feel like a desperate fool that sacrificed my pride to the extent that I did. 1
hurting tonight Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Do I regret my affair with my exmm. The affair and the lies yes I do. Meeting my exmm, and the time we spent together, no. I regret the pain at some points, and wish It had not ended the way it did. The love I felt when I was with him, I have never felt towards no other. It was a learning experience, it taught me a lot of things. I only wish him well. I will always love him. He'll always hold that special place in my heart.
beenburned Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I think people's answers will vary due to the amount of time they have been out of the affair. There are many things you will only see clearly looking back with hindsight and maturity.(and knowledge about affairs in general) Example: If you were a young single woman when you had your affair, you might look at it very differently years later when married to the man you love, with children. 1
Toots Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I was an OW 20 years ago. I ended it when it no longer suited me. At the time I enjoyed it until then. It helped me to grow up really quickly and I learned an enormous amount. So why would I regret it?
Toots Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I think people's answers will vary due to the amount of time they have been out of the affair. There are many things you will only see clearly looking back with hindsight and maturity.(and knowledge about affairs in general) Example: If you were a young single woman when you had your affair, you might look at it very differently years later when married to the man you love, with children. Oh. I just saw this. It does apply to me. But I haven't changed my mind and I think it would be dishonest if I did. Why should I feign regret or remorse now just because I am married and on the "other side"? 1
woinlove Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Oh. I just saw this. It does apply to me. But I haven't changed my mind and I think it would be dishonest if I did. Why should I feign regret or remorse now just because I am married and on the "other side"? For you, beenburned's statement about change doesn't apply, as your thinking has remained the same. It applies to me, not just being married, having children, but my views and feelings have changed as I have lived more and been loved more. While during and for a while after the A, I had absolutely no regrets, I have changed since them. I feel more connected to people in general, am more empathetic and less selfish, able to love deeper. I now regret that people were hurt and treated badly and I regret my role in that. For me, it would be dishonest to pretend to have the same outlook as I did then. Not everyone is the same. You should not feign regret and I am sure that was not the point to beenburned's post. Some, maybe even many, people do change with more life experience. To me it is not so much being on the "other side" as all the love that surrounds a long M with children. All the love changed my outlook on how to treat others and what kind of influence I want to be on those I love. 6
beachbabe82 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I see a lot of people on here who regret their affair, and others who don't. I'm going to be honest: I don't regret it, not at all. I'm glad it's over, but I'm glad I experienced love with exMM. I'm a FIRM believer everything happens for a reason, there are no mistakes, and no coincidences. I know it was supposed to happen. Not many may agree, but this is how I feel about it Nope. Billy and I are very happy and we are like every other normal couple. No way would I be a secret or tucked away for when he has time for me. I know lots of girls are okay with that, but not me! If he wants me, he'll be with me and not sneaking around. I am glad he moved out in January and there was no sneaking around. I'm glad he showed me he loves me by doing what he said he would do. Heck, I didn't even ask him to move out - he made that decision. I think if more people stated up front what was and wasnt acceptable, there would be fewer affairs and fewer hurt from missing someone or waiting for someone to do something besides have a wife and a mistress. 2
bingosmom Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 No, I do not regret it. I am in the midst of an affair with an ex who is now engaged and living with another woman, while I am in a very long term dating relationship with another man. While an A is not healthy, there is some hidden wisdom in what you are doing. In my case, my affair is forcing me into examining my primary relationship and whether or not it is worth fixing. I'm not going to give you any advice, nor am I going to judge you or anyone on this thread. Sh*t happens, and we all make mistakes because we are human. But, please try to figure out WHY you are having this affair (or had, if it is over) so you understand YOURSELF better. While I do not know how things are going to turn out (stay with my boyfriend, try to stay with my OM, or break up with both) I will come out of this situation knowing more about myself, and hopefully a happier person long term. While I know which way I am leaning, I'm not making a decision about which man I fully commit to until I figure out some things about ME, such as what I need in a relationship, and whether either of these men fit my version of happiness. I can highly recommend "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. This book can help you sort through the guilt and help you answer the questions you are no doubt asking yourself. Good luck... 3
Got it Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 No, I do not regret it. I am in the midst of an affair with an ex who is now engaged and living with another woman, while I am in a very long term dating relationship with another man. While an A is not healthy, there is some hidden wisdom in what you are doing. In my case, my affair is forcing me into examining my primary relationship and whether or not it is worth fixing. I'm not going to give you any advice, nor am I going to judge you or anyone on this thread. Sh*t happens, and we all make mistakes because we are human. But, please try to figure out WHY you are having this affair (or had, if it is over) so you understand YOURSELF better. While I do not know how things are going to turn out (stay with my boyfriend, try to stay with my OM, or break up with both) I will come out of this situation knowing more about myself, and hopefully a happier person long term. While I know which way I am leaning, I'm not making a decision about which man I fully commit to until I figure out some things about ME, such as what I need in a relationship, and whether either of these men fit my version of happiness. I can highly recommend "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. This book can help you sort through the guilt and help you answer the questions you are no doubt asking yourself. Good luck... I definitely agree with your post and your recommendation as well. I found that book to be very helpful for me and even though I am out of the affair and we are getting married, going back to that book has really helped me reflect on things and continue to work through my thoughts and feelings on the affair. I cannot regret the lessons, insights, and revelations I learned from or in conjunction to the affair. I found the book very helpful in understanding the varying reasons why someone will have an affair, what they be looking to learn, achieve, and what they are looking to fulfill. It also clearly goes over the number of reasons why someone may not be looking to leave the marriage and can be insightful for the OP as well as the WS. 1
canuckprincess Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Hell no I don't regret it. Best thing I've ever done. He brings joy and happiness into my life that would not be there otherwise. My only regret is I didn't meet him sooner. I agree 100% that's how I feel.
chinneytan Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 For now, i dont. But i do forsee the longer i am with MM, the more love i pour in, the more hurtful it will get when it end. I would say my A is kinda different with most of you girls. His W does not stay with him as he is working in a different part of the world, where i am. He hardly return to his country (maybe once or twice a year max 5 days each trip) He has a 8 months old baby boy. I didnt know he was a MM when we were dating. Long story short, when i confronted him, he said he was divorced, but when i insist in seeing the documents, he said he is still legally married. The anger and sadness in me erupted and i slapped him right outside of his office and cried. He hugged me and told me he loved me. Ever since then, i moved in to stay with him, he intro me to his colleagues as her gf. Well, i know what i am going to say from here will get lots of angry words. I do not feel gulity at all. His wife is far away and he hardly goes back or call her. I do pity her, thousand of miles away with a kids but without her husband, whom spends all his time with me. Currently, i do enjoy what we have. Yet I constantly tell myself that this must not go on too long.
AnotherRound Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I don't regret the relationship or the bond I formed with exMM, but I do regret that it was an A. However, I choose not to regret things in my life, but to find what knowledge and wisdom I can in my experiences (good or bad) and move on. I won't become involved with a MM again, and if I do bc he isn't honest with me, I will be able to end it this time quickly and without hesitation. But would I go back and change it? No. It was needed... by me, by him, and even by his stbxw. It was a necessary situation to get us all to where we are today, which is a MUCH better place for each of us. 2
Silly_Girl Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I don't regret the relationship or the bond I formed with exMM, but I do regret that it was an A. However, I choose not to regret things in my life, but to find what knowledge and wisdom I can in my experiences (good or bad) and move on. I won't become involved with a MM again, and if I do bc he isn't honest with me, I will be able to end it this time quickly and without hesitation. But would I go back and change it? No. It was needed... by me, by him, and even by his stbxw. It was a necessary situation to get us all to where we are today, which is a MUCH better place for each of us. Every single last word of this resonates with me. Like it. 1
AnotherRound Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Every single last word of this resonates with me. Like it. We do seem to have a very similar outlook on life. I knew I wasn't the only one out there! lol
Ladydrib Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Regret can be useful if processed. I believe it is regret that helps guide us in the direction of learning from our actions. But when we do that, we evolve and grow, and start letting go of regret as we transform it into guidance for our future behavior and decisions. If however you hold onto regret and never do anything with it, you could sit around forever wishing something hadn't happened, that in fact did happen. That is a battle that will never be won and is pointless because you cannot change the past. All that will do is tire you, when you were already exhausted to begin with. I do regret the decisions I made, but I realize I can use the experience to prepare myself for the future. Hopefully creating a life that produces the style of life that I desire. 1
wanting more Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 6 months ago I would've said "OMG NO. I've got a special MM who really loves me and we're soooo happy together". Today I say YES, I was an idiot to believe him and I have so much guilt because of the pain I'm going thru and the pain I've caused his W". Would NEVER get in an A again. Not worth it.
AnotherRound Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Regret can be useful if processed. I believe it is regret that helps guide us in the direction of learning from our actions. But when we do that, we evolve and grow, and start letting go of regret as we transform it into guidance for our future behavior and decisions. If however you hold onto regret and never do anything with it, you could sit around forever wishing something hadn't happened, that in fact did happen. That is a battle that will never be won and is pointless because you cannot change the past. All that will do is tire you, when you were already exhausted to begin with. I do regret the decisions I made, but I realize I can use the experience to prepare myself for the future. Hopefully creating a life that produces the style of life that I desire. This is dead on. Imo, it's what you take from experiences that defines them for you, and you have a choice as to how you look at them. I'm with you 100% on this. Well said.
canuckprincess Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 The only regret is the constant pain I have helped cause his wife. I do not regret being in love and being loved unconditionally by a wonderful, smart, sexy man. I thank god everyday for bringing him into my life.
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