Glenda Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 This may become a long post so am sorry in advance but there is abit of history to fill you in on. My husband and i have been together for 11 years and married for almost 2 of those. He suffers depression for which he is on medication. Recently (last 6mths or so) has been diagnosed with severe anxiety attacks (these come on bad if we have a fight). The last 18 months have been so very up and down with everything. There has been 3 occasions i have caught him trying to capture me on video without my concent (camera trained on my side of the bed). I almost walked out the last time. That was about 8 mths ago. He vowed never to do it again and has been speaking with his doctor on a very regular basis about it and seems to have things under control where that is concerned. Me leaving seemed to shake him. I have had issues with trusting him ever since. He drinks abit on a weekend and when he does do that, his temper gets the better of him. I do get scared of him and have locked myself in another room to get away. He has never hit me but the fear is there. After the last bout, we had a huge talk. I told him that he scares me and i can't deal with it all anymore. He agreed to get help and tells me he is working through it with stuff from the internet and an online councillor. Our other main issue is his smoking. We are in a very tight financial situation. He agreed to cut down to just 3-4 aday. I know for a fact he is smoking about half a pkt a day still. He assures me he is not. When we talked about everything we agreed a clean slate and we would be honest from here on in with each other. Last night i asked him if he was smoking more than what we discussed. He told me no. Told him I can deal with it if he is honest about it. It is the lying i can't stand. His way of thinking is that smoking is the only thing he has really lied about and that is because of my reactions to it. I agreed they were not good and that i need to address that. I asked him last night if he is to smoke more and fall of the wagon so to speak, could he come home and tell me so i can support him. Told him i would like the benefit of the doubt for him to tell me and give me a chance to react in a more positive way. Told him now is the time to come clean. Can cope with it if i know about it. Can't deal with it as a lie. To me, lying is lying. I can't trust him to tell me the truth about one thing, then how can i for anything else. In his mind, no big deal it is only that. I know how much he is smoking as i checked his pkt in his jacket pocket. I know that is spying but i just knew he wasn't being honest. I need to repair our relationship somehow. I love this man with everything in me, but he really has put me through so much which i haven't included here. I am tired of feeling hurt and tired of cying all the time. How can i make him be honest. I have tried to be open and make it easy for him to say something. I am afraid to let things get out of hand with his temper and also his anxiety which would end up resulting in an ambulance visit. what do i do? any advice would be helpful.
Balzac Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Seek counseling for yourself as to why you have remained in an abusive marriage. Cease the focus on controlling him. You've got ownership for your decision to stay while attempting to control.
Author Glenda Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Hi, thanks for your reply i do appreciate it. I wouldn't consider my marriage to be an abuse one however. My husband is very caring and loving. He has had a very tough 2 years. The background for him is that he is working through issues of child abuse that he suppressed for 30 years and that has brought up alot of anger in him. He did seek councilling for that and he is a work in progress. he is also working with his doctor on his depression and ways to change his ways. His anger is only in the last year or so. I am not interested in controlling him. I simply need him to cut back on his smoking for financial reasons as we are beyond stretched and sinking. I know i have trust issues and am trying to find away to trust again. I was hoping by offering a clean slate and prove to myself that he was being honest then i could start to really believe him again. I don't want to leave this marriage and don't need a councillor to tell me that. I love him and for 1o years we have been great. I want to get through this with him and find the man i fell in love with before the depression and medication ect.
Balzac Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Sounds like you have a plan. Good luck to you. One thing is certain, life isn't fair. Sorry for your burdens.
GATE101 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) This may become a long post so am sorry in advance but there is abit of history to fill you in on. My husband and i have been together for 11 years and married for almost 2 of those. He suffers depression for which he is on medication. Recently (last 6mths or so) has been diagnosed with severe anxiety attacks (these come on bad if we have a fight). The last 18 months have been so very up and down with everything. There has been 3 occasions i have caught him trying to capture me on video without my concent (camera trained on my side of the bed). I almost walked out the last time. That was about 8 mths ago. He vowed never to do it again and has been speaking with his doctor on a very regular basis about it and seems to have things under control where that is concerned. Me leaving seemed to shake him. I have had issues with trusting him ever since. He drinks abit on a weekend and when he does do that, his temper gets the better of him. I do get scared of him and have locked myself in another room to get away. He has never hit me but the fear is there. After the last bout, we had a huge talk. I told him that he scares me and i can't deal with it all anymore. He agreed to get help and tells me he is working through it with stuff from the internet and an online councillor. Our other main issue is his smoking. We are in a very tight financial situation. He agreed to cut down to just 3-4 aday. I know for a fact he is smoking about half a pkt a day still. He assures me he is not. When we talked about everything we agreed a clean slate and we would be honest from here on in with each other. Last night i asked him if he was smoking more than what we discussed. He told me no. Told him I can deal with it if he is honest about it. It is the lying i can't stand. His way of thinking is that smoking is the only thing he has really lied about and that is because of my reactions to it. I agreed they were not good and that i need to address that. I asked him last night if he is to smoke more and fall of the wagon so to speak, could he come home and tell me so i can support him. Told him i would like the benefit of the doubt for him to tell me and give me a chance to react in a more positive way. Told him now is the time to come clean. Can cope with it if i know about it. Can't deal with it as a lie. To me, lying is lying. I can't trust him to tell me the truth about one thing, then how can i for anything else. In his mind, no big deal it is only that. I know how much he is smoking as i checked his pkt in his jacket pocket. I know that is spying but i just knew he wasn't being honest. I need to repair our relationship somehow. I love this man with everything in me, but he really has put me through so much which i haven't included here. I am tired of feeling hurt and tired of cying all the time. How can i make him be honest. I have tried to be open and make it easy for him to say something. I am afraid to let things get out of hand with his temper and also his anxiety which would end up resulting in an ambulance visit. what do i do? any advice would be helpful. You must really love your Husband!!! and i honor your Bravery! for sharing this to the public:D Well i have never been married! how ever i would love to get married one day hopfully Lol So i found something that may be of use to you Click here :Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Marriage Survival Guide for Tough Times Ain't know Deal try doctor Phil (: Edited August 19, 2012 by GATE101
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