Girls Night Out. Again.

[pteromom]

It's the woman who makes a habit of GNOs to get away from being with her husband who doesn't appreciate their spouse. You know--the same woman who gets back from a night of drinking and flirting (or much worse) with other men and gives the husband the cold shoulder in bed.

 

If you're married, I'm sorry, but there's no right to be "accepted the way you are" if "the way you are" includes acting single rather than acting as someone who is married.

 

Which is what you are describing.

 

But then maybe you feel the same way?

 

I don't think that going out to a club equates to acting single.

[pteromom]

It's the woman who makes a habit of GNOs to get away from being with her husband who doesn't appreciate their spouse.

 

Firstly, a GNO isn't about getting away from being with the husband. It's about being with friends. Hopefully the husband has other hobbies and interests too.

 

Secondly, a GNO doesn't mean one doesn't appreciate her husband. It's about how she treats him.

 

In a healthy relationship, both people have full lives, and their marriage is a center point, but not the only thing in their lives. They both try to meet each other's needs, and they both give each other the freedom to be who they are.

[GorillaTheater]

In some ways, a GNO isn't much different than guys going to a strip club.

 

Except that the guys have to pay in order to get attention.

[2sure]

She is going out , was it twice a month?

She is 31. Two little ones.

She should invite you sometimes, if you want to go.

Other than that it seems normal.

Do you ever go out like this together?

The giving a guy her phone number a couple of years ago was out of the question of course..but she gave the guy YOUR phone number...not exactly hiding anything.

She sounds irritated with you.

[NervisPervis]

Except in your example, you are not going just for stamp collecting. It may have started that way, but you are kissing women and flirting and noticing all the loose women. The "added bennies" have become part of the reason for going.

 

You are one of those rationalizers that I truly do not understand. That line above. You point it out as though it is a hole in my story. Kind of a gotcha'. That is the ENTIRE point of my story. Women go to the clubs with the excuse of dancing but are really there to party with the boys. Did you really not get that? Maybe there really is a disconnect.

 

Firstly, a GNO isn't about getting away from being with the husband. It's about being with friends. Hopefully the husband has other hobbies and interests too.

 

Secondly, a GNO doesn't mean one doesn't appreciate her husband. It's about how she treats him.

 

In a healthy relationship, both people have full lives, and their marriage is a center point, but not the only thing in their lives. They both try to meet each other's needs, and they both give each other the freedom to be who they are.

 

Don't get this either. I'm talking about women that want to let loose at meat markets with strange boys and you're talking about a loving, happy relationships. Again, a disconnect.

 

 

If what you're seeking is validation for thinking something's off, you got it. It's the sneaking and lying and collecting phone number (not in your original post, let me remind you) that makes that obvious.

 

Keep in mind that "original post" was supposed to be written on one of those random nights where I'm sitting at home with my kids trying to be a good husband and let my wife have a good time. I'm trying not to let it bother me that I have NO IDEA where she is at 1:00 in the morning. Trying to get rid of that knot in my stomach knowing she's with yet another man I will never know about. Not pressing her for details. Not even asking. I'd been so drilled through life to not be a Neanderthal for hating it. Sure, it makes it "obvious" after she screws up. But up until that point, you are all telling me to suck it up and not be a wimp. Sure, when it hits the fan you all say it's obvious. But when I'm home in pain you tell me I'm a pussy just because YOU'D never screw around at a meat marker. I truly don’t get it.

 

 

 

You know--the same woman who gets back from a night of drinking and flirting (or much worse) with other men and gives the husband the cold shoulder in bed.

 

That is my most painful memory to this day.

 

What can we do to really help??

 

You can make me not care that my wife screwed around with many, many men all of those years ago and won’t talk to me about it now. Won’t help me heal. Can you do that?

 

She sounds irritated with you.

 

 

And to all of you that said she didn’t talk to me because she was tired of being lectured about it. I'll ask again: Did you even read my post? 10 years I had been exclusive with my wife. Not ONCE did she ever express an interest in going dancing. I was literally looking at her back when she was finishing the first sentence she had EVER uttered on the subject. She left me with 2 toddlers on a Saturday night, intent on being out WELL past midnight, and all I hear is "I'm going dancing with Julie" as she walks past me. She was tired of hearing me lecture her? I never said a WORD to her. She gets home and doesn’t say anything. Evades my questions. Ignores it the next day. Repeat cycle. In all of the times she went out, we never had more than a two sentence discussion on it. Her choice. For three months I do EXACTLY what all of you rationalizers tell me to do. I let her go and suck up the discomfort. I don’t know WHAT I'd have done if her new friend hadn't called the house for a date. I'd probably STILL be sitting at home while she went out and dated other men. Pteromom. Yu write as though it is unheard of that a wife could go to a meat market on a regular basis and be up to no good. Just because YOU are an angel while you're out?

 

I truly don’t understand.

[Stillgrowing]

[Maybe I want my wife to have different boundaries than your husband does with you, but the description of your night is almost EXACTLY what I fear from my wife. You don't lead them on? I don't understand that. You fish for free drinks from strange men at meat markets who are there to get laid and it's not leading them on? How many men have you been approached by that didn't think those drinks were going to get them in bed? Never mind, I'll answer for you: NONE. And you ACCEPTING them led them on even more. And you WEREN'T leading them on? And you tell your husband about all of these men you party with and he's OK with it?

Ok (she says with a big, deep sigh): I don't fish for drinks. I'm not out there looking for a hookup, I'm looking to hang out with my gf's and laugh and not be "on" as a mother and wife and housekeeper and shop owner and good pet owner and accountant and whatever else I do all day every day for a couple hours. I tend to end up talking to the people around me. If a guy is out to score, he knows pretty quickly that it's not with me and the people that end up talking to me are married guys who aren't out to cheat either but just to go to a bar and have a drink and be an adult. As it turns out, not everyone in a bar is looking to hook up with someone. Let me repeat that: NOT EVERYONE IN A BAR IS LOOKING TO HOOK UP WITH SOMEONE. So I'm not leading them on. I wear my wedding ring when I'm out without my husband, something I rarely ever do if I'm with my husband or at work. I mention my husband pretty much off the bat if I can. The response to 'what are your ladies doing here' is, "My husband is on kid duty, we're having a girls night out". Inevidibly you get a dad who isn't hitting on you and just wants to compare notes on kid sports and other random crap, most of the time it turns out we know someone that knows someone that knows each other. I always offer up money to pay for my drink(s). Generally it amounts to two drinks tops. I'm not fishing for it, but the guy usually pays being a gentleman. IF I think the guy is doing it to get in my pants, I put my money on the counter and go. This is usually a group setting. My girls are there too. Talking to whoever.

 

Again, thanks for insulting me when I'm asking for help. I'll say it again: "husbands/fiancé's/boyfriends who have it INGRAINED IN THEIR PSYCHE'S to not be a wimp about their wife letting down her hair a little." Just like you called me a controlling nenderthal, men in my situation are cuckolded to just accept it or be labeled a jealous freak. I've read it on other posts. Wives that come home from GNO's a LOT worse than my wife's (questionable friends, no communication while out, no sex at home, obvious lies about what they've done and where they've been, home at 6:00 the next morning because they just needed to "sleep it off" at some guys house they just met) coming on these forums asking if they shoudl be worried.

 

I did not call you a controlling neanderthal, you made that up when you were making up this scenario of everyone in bars being horny freaks just itching to dry hump each other. There are horny freaks out there. I tend to stay away from them. Maybe your wife is up to no good. I'm trying to tell you that not everyone is up to no good. Sometimes a drink at a bar is just a drink at a bar. Nothing more. You left a lot out of your first post. No one could possibly give you a straight answer based on the omissions. And my husband certainly isn't afraid to say what he's thinking. He does get annoyed at me going out, but guess what? I'm a 44 year old woman who can make her own choices. My kids are cared for, dinner is on the table, I only go out every couple of weeks and have big people time. He gets big people time all the time at work, at lunches, at a quick drink after work.

 

You are the perfect wife. I'll give you that. But can't you accept that you may be the exception and not the rule?

I'm not perfect and I'm not the exception. I go out with other Moms. Cute Moms, hot Moms. No one is getting it on in the bathroom or hooking up with guys. Well, maybe someone is....but SHE is the ONE exception out of 15, not the rule. Frankly, I've heard of more Moms hooking up with other Moms than other guys and stilll that's the exception NOT the rule.

 

sg

[NervisPervis]

So. Are you all out there defending YOURSELVES or trying to let me know my wife probably was just dancing in a man-free bubble all those times? The fact that she would sneak off without telling me is normal behavior? The fact that she would tell me NOTHING about these nights is normal? Not knowing where my wife is at 2:00 on the morning (by design) is par for the course? I guess I don't understand. Is it me? Do I owe my wife an apology? The chances that I got this all wong are so probable that I could very well have ruined my marriage over nothing?

 

And I fully understand that I am having a HORRIBLE time communicating. I feel like I'm speaking a different language. But I'm going to try this ONE MORE TIME:

 

This all happened a LONG time ago. When I wrote that original post, I tried my darndest to make it sound like what it would have been like if I were typing this BEFORE I caught her exchanging phone numbers. That is the ONLY THING I left out of that description. And I left it out because I didnt KNOW ABOUT IT at the time.

 

Now.

 

If I had been typing that this weekend. While my wife was out at 1:00 for the third time in 5 weeks. With ALL OF THAT detail abut how she was acting. All of you rationalizers would STILL have called me a jealous control freak. Admit it. It's what you DID!!!

 

I honestly don't know what you are all trying to prove. OK. I get it. Most women go to hookup bars with wholesome intent. I understand that now. But how in gods name do you read a post like mine. With all of that detail regarding her suspicious behavior. Knowing damn well it's fishy. Knowing I'm hurting over it. Knowing she's at places where infidelity has a greater chance of happening than most. Yet you jump right into calling me a freak.

 

Why do you do that? One post about a couple of questionable text messages and you tell posters to go into CIA mode. But nights of of a wife trolling meat markets for hours and I've got to get over myself.

 

How is it I'm the bad guy here? I've been hurting for years about this, I'm still struggling, and I'm the villian?

[Stillgrowing]

I didn't call you a bad guy. I never spoke to your behavior or your feelings even. I'm not siding with your wife. I'm not saying she is innocent. I am saying that you can't lump everyone together and was trying to possibly give you some hope that her going out wasn't with mal-intent. This is when I thought all the info was in the first post. Then I spent my last post defending MYSELF when you basically called me a free-drink seeking prick-tease. Yes, your wife's behavior is suspect. No, you aren't crazy for thinking it. If the roles were reversed and my husband was doing everything your wife was, I would be pissed. I would also put my foot down and say it was unacceptable. At least that is what I say standing where I am while typing this out. The truth is my husband is a self-obsessed BPD and I probably wouldn't say anything to him because I would say, "I have evidence that you aren't treating our marriage with respect" and he would say, "it doesn't matter because the sky is orange and you didn't take the trash out 7 thursdays ago" and storm off in a huff. I don't know how your wife is when you confront her, but dude, if you are still this crushed over it years later, request counseling with her or you need to let it go for the good of you. At some point, when the WE isn't being respected, concentrate on making YOU okay.

 

sg

[NervisPervis]

If the roles were reversed and my husband was doing everything your wife was, I would be pissed. I would also put my foot down and say it was unacceptable.

 

And that, in a nutshell, is the point of my thread. After 4 pages, someone hit it.

 

For 4 pages I have been trying to make the point that men are conditioned to NOT put their foot down over this. How many men "allow" this to go on with their wives because it's only dancing? "Get over it caveman". "Quit being a jealous control freak"

 

And you KNOW I'm right. For gods sake, it's what most of you did to ME for 4 pages. And do NOT say I left out important information. I relayed EXACTLY what was going through my head were I to have been sitting home on that last night out of hers while she partied with the men she hooked up with and exchanged phone numbers with. I gave you ALL of the information I had at the time. And the big posters here, with most of the comments, said how DARE you question her honorable hobby.

 

If I posted about my wife getting a few late night text messages, giggling over them and immediately deleting them, you d tell me to go commando on her. Weekly lunch with the new intern she's been hanging around with? Keylogger and VAR immediately. Sneaking around at meat markets and not telling me where she is at 2:00 in the morning on a regular basis? No problem

 

I'm trying to help other men. This is my problem and I'll deal with it. My real goal on this thread wat to let others know that if yor wife behaves like my wife did. Like MANY wives do when they troll meat markets, then it's OK to force a conversation on it. DO NOT let generations of rationalization keep you from doing something about it. And just because she's not sucking off multiple men in the bathroom doesn't mean there's not infidelity involved. Leaving your husband and toddlers at home to troll hook-up joints for free drinks under the auspices of "dancing" with her girlfriend goes beond most men's definition of an appropriate boundary.

 

One last point. I make it a point to tell you all that I REGULARLY, by design, don't know where my wife is at 2:00 in the morning and you tell me to "get over it". Pl-EASE!

 

Your wife talking on a cell phone is OBVIOUSLY no problem. But keeping it stuck to her like glue. Taking it to the bathroom with her even. Kepping it locked and lunging at it if you go to answer it. Taking a lot of calls outside and not being open about who she talks to. All bad.

 

Your wife enjoying spending a great deal of time at places known for casual sexual hookups is not a problem. But unless there's A LOT of opennes, discussions of boundaries and full disclosure, you have a problem.

 

The descriptions of my wife's actions at meatmakets is the equivalent of going to the phone bill to see who she's texting at all hours, only to find it's to a number you don't recognize then realize that only THOSE texts were deleted. The former evidently is A-OK. The latter is obvioulsly not.

 

And why you rationalizers won't admit that is beyond me. Generations of this type of rationalization and abuse is what keeps us from "putting our foot down". It's why I didn't. And although trickling my story out was inended to get my point across accurately, it served a beter purpose. I was able to describe my wifes behavior for MONTHS without that single piece of (critical) info I discovered towards the end. And you all told me to get over it.

[demrea]

My wife goes dancing and out with friends a few times a month. Sometimes I go, sometimes they invite guy friends, sometimes all of us at the same time. I don't chain her down out of fear.

 

She drinks, dances, flirts and all sorts of stuff. I don't really care, she isn't a wife or mother first ( as one poster claimed), she is a traveller on this planet, a person of her own free will. Life is to be lived and experienced.

 

If you think she cheated or is a cheater, call her on it. Obsessing over how you think she acts won't solve anything.

[Plan 9 from OS]

OP, I can appreciate where you are coming from and I feel that your anger at your wife plus your irritation with some of the posters in this thread is justified. I think GNO's that end up going to nightclubs and other nighttime hot spots that are primarily designed for hooking up is unacceptable for a married woman to participate in. There are plenty of other activities that women can go to for their nights out that don't center around locations where there are HIGH levels of sexual tension. It's a blatantly obvious boundary that is crossed in a marriage.

 

For those married women that go to nightclubs on GNO's for the dancing, I'm sure the majority of you are trustworthy. However, don't dismiss the legitimate concerns that people have about their married spouses going to nightclubs. The empirical evidence shows clearly that a percentage of married spouses WILL cheat when going to locations that are designed to amp up the sexual tension between men and women, aka night spots that are mentioned in this thread. The common retort is that only a minority of married women end up cheating after going to nightclubs on GNO's. That may be true, but this activity does increase the probability infidelity because the clubs are designed to have people hook up at the club.

 

I would think of this in another way. The majority of people out there are law abiding people, right? Well, if there are so many law abiding people out there, then why do people lock their doors and windows at night? Surely, there is no need because the vast majority of people would never think about breaking into your house to steal things, right? Well, it is obviously foolish to not secure your house because although most people would not steal from you, there are enough people out there that will so you need to protect our house. The same goes for protecting your marriage. I'm sure the majority of married people do not intend to cheat on their spouses. However, you still need to do the things to safeguard your marriage. Going to "meat markets" on GNO's is NOT actively protecting your marriage. As a number of WS have stated before, sometimes the temptations arise and if the circumstances are right, you may be ripe for a ONS or a series of random hookups.

 

But OP, the second your wife refuses to account for her time, you drop the hammer and get willing to go nuclear if she disrespects so much to refuse to tell you where she was. That is NOT acceptable, and if she refuses, then you need to assume the worst and take the appropriate action to protect yourself from an emotionally abusive and possibly cheating spouse. IMO, even up to and including legal separation and divorce. You can't have a marriage last if the trust and respect for one another is gone. You cannot live on love alone as many people have stated before.

[Plan 9 from OS]

My wife goes dancing and out with friends a few times a month. Sometimes I go, sometimes they invite guy friends, sometimes all of us at the same time. I don't chain her down out of fear.

 

She drinks, dances, flirts and all sorts of stuff. I don't really care, she isn't a wife or mother first ( as one poster claimed), she is a traveller on this planet, a person of her own free will. Life is to be lived and experienced.

 

If you think she cheated or is a cheater, call her on it. Obsessing over how you think she acts won't solve anything.

 

Interesting perspective, except when you decide to marry someone you are no longer traveling alone. You have a travel partner for life. When someone gives themselves to another in marriage of their own free will, then there are certain things that this person has to give up for the sake his/her partner and the sake of the marriage. Life is to be lived and experienced. I agree, but why not live and experience it together as a married couple and as a family? Hey, I get it that spouses need time away from each other and to have healthy relationships with friends. It's good for the marriage. However, it's not unreasonable to insist that your wife does not put herself into situations where the temptation to cheat is all around her.

 

Think about it this way, would your wife be OK for you to "experience life" as a "one time traveler on this planet" by having guys night out at strip joints or going out to the woods to have parties and invite other women (no spouses) to hang out drinking and having a blast? If you are allowed to do that with your buddies once or twice a month then it's not a problem. I would hope that your wife would not be a prude and get upset if you indulge in these fun pass times.

[Stillgrowing]

I keep telling myself I won't keep arguing this with you because you aren't listening and most of your arguments with people are apples vs oranges. I DON'T think men are conditioned not to say anything. The men I know (mine and friends' husbands) certainly DO say something when they are bothered by us going out but we are within our right to say something to defend ourselves when they are off-base.

 

I think the way you trickled the info out was deceitful to all the people on here wfho come here for help and look to help others. Most of us have busy lives and to have to follow something for days before getting the actual information is quite annoying.

 

dg

[Stillgrowing]

I would think of this in another way. The majority of people out there are law abiding people, right? Well, if there are so many law abiding people out there, then why do people lock their doors and windows at night? Surely, there is no need because the vast majority of people would never think about breaking into your house to steal things, right? Well, it is obviously foolish to not secure your house because although most people would not steal from you, there are enough people out there that will so you need to protect our house. The same goes for protecting your marriage. I'm sure the majority of married people do not intend to cheat on their spouses. However, you still need to do the things to safeguard your marriage. Going to "meat markets" on GNO's is NOT actively protecting your marriage. As a number of WS have stated before, sometimes the temptations arise and if the circumstances are right, you may be ripe for a ONS or a series of random hookups.

 

Well then, please tell your wives to stop grocery shopping bc I know one woman sleeping with her butcher and one sleeping with the service counter guy. Cheaters will cheat. Most of us won't. People don't become cheaters bc of the situation. And OP, do not translate this into me saying your wife won't cheat....yours probably will, I'm defending the majority of women from plan 9's assumption that we become whores when we step into a nightclub.

Edited August 15, 2012 by Stillgrowing

[Plan 9 from OS]

Well then, please tell your wives to stop grocery shopping bc I know one woman sleeping with her butcher and one sleeping with the service counter guy. Cheaters will cheat. Most of us won't. People don't become cheaters bc of the situation. And OP, do not translate this into me saying your wife won't cheat....yours probably will, I'm defending the majority of women from plan 9's assumption that we become whores when we step into a nightclub.

 

I never made the statement that women became whores when they step foot into a nightclub. You are either building a straw man argument or you honestly misinterpreted my last post. What I stated is that the majority of married women are probably trustworthy enough to go there. However, the odds for a married woman to cheat as a result of going to a nightclub that is designed to be a place to hook up with other men is higher due to the circumstances. C'mon, you can't seriously believe that going to a supermarket is equivalent to going to a nightclub. Sure if someone has infidelity in their heart they will cheat no matter where they go; however, it's unwise to go to locations where the temptations to cheat are high.

[nofool4u]

You don't really want an opinion, unless it matches exactly with yours. For what it's worth (and I'm thinking not much with your attitude) I'm a bit older than your wife, I go out and party with friends. I rarely pay for drinks or cover. I have never so much as kissed another guy. I've never taken or given a phone number. My friends and I do talk to men. We don't lead them on, usually it's married guys and we end up talking kids, jobs, etc...sometimes we just drink, not crazy drunk but cocktails. But these aren't the stories you'll find on these forums or if you google clubbing bc it's not interesting and no one tells the uninteresting stories, they tell the cool, interesting fun ones. Grow a pair and ask her. Maybe she is screwing around but you won't be able to tell by asking randoms on a forum.

 

Sg

 

So question is, why do you feel the need to go out, drink, and talk to other men?

 

Would clubbing interest you if no men were around at all? (something tells me you'll say yes)

[demrea]

Interesting perspective, except when you decide to marry someone you are no longer traveling alone. You have a travel partner for life. When someone gives themselves to another in marriage of their own free will, then there are certain things that this person has to give up for the sake his/her partner and the sake of the marriage. Life is to be lived and experienced. I agree, but why not live and experience it together as a married couple and as a family? Hey, I get it that spouses need time away from each other and to have healthy relationships with friends. It's good for the marriage. However, it's not unreasonable to insist that your wife does not put herself into situations where the temptation to cheat is all around her. .

 

im not concerned about it, if she is going to cheat she doesnt need a dance club to make it happen.

 

it really doesnt bother me if she flirts with guys who want in her pants. if thats what she wants to do with her time, i am not her keeper and i am confident she isnt going to cheat.

 

i am sure many a man has said that and been burned but i prefer to let life play out. if it were to happen, than it was going to happen somehow and i am not in the business of telling my wife what she can and cant do with her life.

 

she will make decisions on her own and if she chooses to be a cheat she will deal with the results. i am not going to treat her like i own her or she is a child.

 

Think about it this way, would your wife be OK for you to "experience life" as a "one time traveler on this planet" by having guys night out at strip joints or going out to the woods to have parties and invite other women (no spouses) to hang out drinking and having a blast? If you are allowed to do that with your buddies once or twice a month then it's not a problem. I would hope that your wife would not be a prude and get upset if you indulge in these fun pass times.

 

sure she is ... i have been to some pretty seedy places in my travels and have no need to hide it from her. we share our life experiences, we dont dictate how that life is lived.

[nofool4u]

So. Are you all out there defending YOURSELVES or trying to let me know my wife probably was just dancing in a man-free bubble all those times? The fact that she would sneak off without telling me is normal behavior? The fact that she would tell me NOTHING about these nights is normal? Not knowing where my wife is at 2:00 on the morning (by design) is par for the course? I guess I don't understand. Is it me? Do I owe my wife an apology? The chances that I got this all wong are so probable that I could very well have ruined my marriage over nothing?

 

You wife likes to club and party.....too much. Its become a habit.

 

Not only that, her behavior when she gets home is suspect.

 

You feel neglected, and for good reason. You think she'd like to party if no men were around? Girls nights out mean no men, well, no husbands or boyfriends anyway.

[demrea]

i will clarify in regards to the OP, my wife doesnt have to lie or get defensive about where she is or has been. and neither do i.

 

lying and deception are a problem, whether its grocery shopping or dancing, it doesnt matter.

 

you and your wife are missing an important trust element that is not missing in my relationship.

 

i would call her on her lying, if she wants to be trusted to dance and go clubbing with her friends, she cant be ashamed of the truth.

 

if she is afraid to tell you, maybe there is something in the way you communicate that makes her feel she cant trust you to open up about her night.

 

it goes both ways.

 

i know that if in the course of the night some dood trying taking my wife home, she would tell me. she would tell me because she knows i wouldnt freak out and be all mad about it. i trust her to do the right thing in those situations and she trusts me to share her life experiences.

 

just like when i went to thailand on business and ended up in the red light district. i told her all about what i saw, what the girls were doing and she trusted me that i didnt cross the line.

 

life is about experience, live it.

[pteromom]

The truth is my husband is a self-obsessed BPD and I probably wouldn't say anything to him because I would say, "I have evidence that you aren't treating our marriage with respect" and he would say, "it doesn't matter because the sky is orange and you didn't take the trash out 7 thursdays ago" and storm off in a huff.

 

Holy cow, are you married to my husband?

[pteromom]

And the above bolded statement PROVES that you are quite unhappy with your husband, lack respect for him, and are unhappy in your marriage. Maybe legitimately so--but you are very unhappy.

 

And that's why there are GNOs.

 

Pervis wins again.

 

I admit I am unhappy with my husband, and you know what? I STILL wouldn't cheat on him. Because being faithful isn't only about respecting my marriage; it's also about my own integrity. I am not a cheater - it's not who I am. I have had guys come on to me, and I am always able to walk away, because it isn't worth selling myself out for some sex.

[pteromom]

Women go to the clubs with the excuse of dancing but are really there to party with the boys. Did you really not get that? Maybe there really is a disconnect.

 

 

This is just not true, as a generalization.

 

Yes, there ARE women who cheat (just as there are men who cheat) and YES, there are women who enjoy being hit on. But it isn't the norm. A GNO is usually about being with friends, and as stillgrowing said, letting go of all the responsibilities for an evening.

 

Now, when it comes to YOUR wife, as she said, you have reason to suspect she isn't being straight with you. So in the end, it doesn't really matter what other women do anyway. You need to talk to her, and keep talking to her. Just make sure it's about how YOU feel, and not about trying to control what she does.

 

And inspire her to want to be with you. Take her on dates. Tell her you love her. Smile when you see her. Hug her. Listen to her. Help her out with her responsibilities.

[serial muse]

Keep in mind that "original post" was supposed to be written on one of those random nights where I'm sitting at home with my kids trying to be a good husband and let my wife have a good time. I'm trying not to let it bother me that I have NO IDEA where she is at 1:00 in the morning. Trying to get rid of that knot in my stomach knowing she's with yet another man I will never know about. Not pressing her for details. Not even asking. I'd been so drilled through life to not be a Neanderthal for hating it. Sure, it makes it "obvious" after she screws up. But up until that point, you are all telling me to suck it up and not be a wimp. Sure, when it hits the fan you all say it's obvious. But when I'm home in pain you tell me I'm a pussy just because YOU'D never screw around at a meat marker. I truly don’t get it.

 

You're putting words in my mouth. I get that you don't want to be called a pussy and wimp and a Neandertal. Fortunately, I didn't call you those things, and I'm looking around and not seeing other people calling you those things here. That's in your head. Deal with that.

 

What I don't get is why you need to paint people with a broad brush rather than focusing on the more pertinent point - your wife is the problem. What other women do isn't the problem. It's your wife. Sorry, but there it is. She's the one lying, coming home late, and collecting phone numbers, and not wanting to talk to you about it. You're projecting a bunch of crap onto other people because you're pissed. I validate you being pissed, but not projecting it onto people. That bit's on you. Right back atcha.

 

Now. When's the divorce? Time to handle your business.

 

 

You can make me not care that my wife screwed around with many, many men all of those years ago and won’t talk to me about it now. Won’t help me heal. Can you do that?

 

Nope. I can't do that and wouldn't if I could. That's your job. It really is your job. Yelling at internet strangers because you want to school the world doesn't seem to be getting the job done, and isn't making a dent in your relationship with your wife. She still doesn't seem to be doing what you want her to do. Sounds like she never will. So what's the next plan?

Edited August 15, 2012 by serial muse

[demrea]

If you love someone and like them and appreciate them, it's a simple fact you want to spend as much time possible with them.

 

i have been married almost 20 years, i dont simply dont agree with this.

 

you are married, not tied to the hip. my wife and i spend lots of quality time together but that doesnt mean she is unhappy or trolling if she goes out to a club with her friends.

 

how insecure are you people? spouses are not chattel and they dont forsake a life outside their spouse because they are married.

 

no wonder people get divorced they are probably smothered by insecurity and unrealistic expectations.

[nofool4u]

i have been married almost 20 years, i dont simply dont agree with this.

 

you are married, not tied to the hip.

 

I agree.

 

But there is a big difference between having time to oneself away from your spouse, and making it an all too frequent habit to go out and party not coming home until the wee hours of the morning.