eleanorhurting Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 (edited) you are entitled to whatever you want but keep in mind that the more filters like these you have the more people you are keeping out of your dating pool. But if you are OK with that then its fine. I have mentioned this before here but I cheated in the past. I struggled with it and had low self esteem for a while because of it because I sincerely felt like I was never going to deserve to be loved and I settled for being treated like crap for a while. I am OK now with the fact that this excludes me from the dating pool of 80% of the people who post here. So I came up with a deal breaker for myself: i don't want to be with someone who can't accept that my past is in the past and that people are capable of learning from their mistakes. To each their own. Edited August 18, 2012 by eleanorhurting
Author snug.bunny Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) you are entitled to whatever you want but keep in mind that the more filters like these you have the more people you are keeping out of your dating pool. But if you are OK with that then its fine. I have mentioned this before here but I cheated in the past. I struggled with it and had low self esteem for a while because of it because I sincerely felt like I was never going to deserve to be loved and I settled for being treated like crap for a while. I am OK now with the fact that this excludes me from the dating pool of 80% of the people who post here. So I came up with a deal breaker for myself: i don't want to be with someone who can't accept that my past is in the past and that people are capable of learning from their mistakes. To each their own. Thanks EH for your candid response. I too believe we as a people make mistakes and learn from them. I didn't want this thread to be viewed as judgment of people's actions in an unfavorable manner but moreso, is "my line of thinking reasonable". Edited August 19, 2012 by snug.bunny 1
johan Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (1) To want someone who hasn't cheated in a past relationship? (2) To want someone who hasn't engaged in a threesome? (3) To want someone who hasn't engaged in sex with someone knowing he/she had a significant other? All reasonable. I believe it's also reasonable to expect someone to have made dumb mistakes in their past. So it's reasonable to want someone who has done these things, but learned, and maybe is much more in touch with why they are wrong or bad ideas. Compared to others who may rationalize why they are wrong, but lack the experience. People who have been seriously burned by bad moves in the past can be the most trustworthy. 3
Author snug.bunny Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 All reasonable. I believe it's also reasonable to expect someone to have made dumb mistakes in their past. So it's reasonable to want someone who has done these things, but learned, and maybe is much more in touch with why they are wrong or bad ideas. Compared to others who may rationalize why they are wrong, but lack the experience. People who have been seriously burned by bad moves in the past can be the most trustworthy. I agree with this too. The last sentence, I'm 50/50 on. In the past, I came across some who were burned and became major docks.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I absolutely want that too. My ex ex lied and told me how he is disgusted by 3-somes only to find out later that he participated in orgies and swinger's parties. Good thing I always insisted on using protection I also want to add these: 4) never been to a prostitute 5) never been in a poly-amorous setup 6) never had sex with a man
Author snug.bunny Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 I absolutely want that too. My ex ex lied and told me how he is disgusted by 3-somes only to find out later that he participated in orgies and swinger's parties. Good thing I always insisted on using protection Oh gosh, sorry to hear that. I also want to add these: 4) never been to a prostitute 5) never been in a poly-amorous setup 6) never had sex with a man Those I would classify as sexual behaviors, rather than dishonest behavior. I listed cheating, because it is dishonest, and involves harm to a non-consensual party. Same with someone who has engaged in "relations" with someone knowing he/she had a significant other. Threesomes, while sexual, I wouldn't classify as dishonest. If it was within an existing relationship (IE. a married couple having an open marriage), then my perception of it shifts. Like Ninja touched on, there's no way to know when you first meet someone, if any of the things listed apply. Unless, they're forthcoming with it on their own. But, what about if you are already in a relationship with that person and have learned of one of these things? Everyone has a past. We've all done things in the past, that we wouldn't necessarily, repeat. When does it cross over to core character though (IE. character flaw)? I hate to use the term "flaw" because human beings by nature, are flawed. I want to add never been in an open relationship to my list of DQ'S. What is a "DQ"? PS. I don't know if this thread belongs in this section, if it doesn't, I'm fine with it being moved.
Author snug.bunny Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Hey snug how are you ? Hope you are having a good day. A DQ is a disqualifier. Same thing as a deal breaker. I'm good thanks! How are you? Ah, gotcha...Thank you for the clarification.
Pompom Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (1) To want someone who hasn't cheated in a past relationship? (2) To want someone who hasn't engaged in a threesome? (3) To want someone who hasn't engaged in sex with someone knowing he/she had a significant other? I think there is nothing wrong with any of the above but I know some people do take issue. I personally don't care what someone's sexual history is if he's good to me. However question 1 and 3 seem to be implying you want to be someone's first. Umm I do think that's a bit unrealistic. But not mine to judge.
Author snug.bunny Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 (1) To want someone who hasn't cheated in a past relationship? (2) To want someone who hasn't engaged in a threesome? (3) To want someone who hasn't engaged in sex with someone knowing he/she had a significant other? I think there is nothing wrong with any of the above but I know some people do take issue. I personally don't care what someone's sexual history is if he's good to me. However question 1 and 3 seem to be implying you want to be someone's first. Umm I do think that's a bit unrealistic. But not mine to judge. Hi, thanks for your reply. I'm confused by your last sentence though... What does Item #1 and Item #3 have to do with wanting to be someone's "first"? First what?
Pompom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Hi, thanks for your reply. I'm confused by your last sentence though... What does Item #1 and Item #3 have to do with wanting to be someone's "first"? First what? Okay scrap 1. I was thinking that any previous relationship has obviously ended, and cheating can be one of many reasons, but scrap that. And I think I may have misread/misinterpreted question 3 when I answered. Damn Now if this is an add-yours-thread, here`s mine: a) has STDs b) cheats on me c) neglects me Don't care what he did before he did me
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