hollyflynn Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 I don't even know where to begin. I've been in an off-and-on relationship for over 7 years. In 2005 when I'd met him, I'd just come out of another relationship that only lasted a few months. I met him on a phone chat line for singles while trying to cope with the loss of that previous relationship and feeling lonely. We talked for two months over the phone before finally meeting in person. The first plan to meet that we'd made didn't happen because the ex came back looking to reconcile so I gave it a shot with him for a day or two but when he started arguing with me again all the time I gave up on it and called "him" to apologize for blowing him off and told him the truth of what had happened. We talked for a while longer but he understood and said he wanted to make plans to meet again. So we did finally. During that date he proceeded to excessively drink and I remember him being so aggressive in trying to kiss me toward the end of the date that I actually fled from the situation swearing I'd never see him again because it scared me. He called a few days later to apologize and I forgave him and agreed to see him again. He was unlike anyone I'd ever dated before. Sexy, intelligent, talented, very romantic, made me feel like the only and most beautiful woman in the world, appeared to be a good listener, the sex was (and remained) incredible, but he was also almost 10 years older than me, lived at home with his mother, had a low level job with little real ambition for himself, and became a completely different person everytime a drop of alcohol entered his bloodstream. In october of that year, after a few months of incidents with his drinking and cursing me out for no reason I could understand I remember there being one night where it got really out of hand and I broke up with him and left but didn't want to come home and deal with my roomate's reaction so I went to my exes and spent the night. When I did come home, I found that he had called several times wondering where I was and trying to apologize again and I admitted to him I'd slept with my ex and that I thought we should break up for good. He accepted it and we hung up. a few days later I woke up crying and missing him and blaming myself for sleeping with my ex and worrying about hurting him. I called and asked if I could see him and went above and beyond in my apologies and remorse to him and he said he forgave me. When the drinking incidents began happening again and more frequently, he blamed me and my indescretions for them. He claimed I "drew first blood" by blowing him off on that first date and blatantly refused to accept responsibility for anything he'd done or said to me justifying all of his actions by saying I didnt deserve any better because of how I'd treated him. And so it went for years, he never truly forgave me, I mostly accepted his verbal abuse and binge drinking as a sort of penance for my previous mistakes. Not that it was all bad all the time, he really was and is my best friend and understands my difficult childhood because of his own, we connected deeply on music a love of both of ours and though we butted heads a lot about things we didnt agree on like politics etc, we had a lot of fun together as well going to all kinds of places and having great sex and never in all these years have we run out of things to talk about. In 2007 one particular drinking incident again became too much for me so I broke up with him again. We split for 2 months and in a weak moment of longing, I called him and over the next few days we reconciled. When we got back together he was great at first but again came the drinking and blaming me for everything that went wrong before, constantly accusing me of cheating or of seeing someone during our break up though I never had and hadnt even seen my ex or spent time with another man alone since october 2005. In 2009 after he'd been fired from his second job in as many years we'd traveled to memphis TN for my cousins wedding and he humilated me by drinking excessively in front of my family and getting into a verbal confrontation in the middle of the reception with my father. When we returned, I once again broke it off. We didn't speak for weeks and during that time I'd been looking into online dating and talked over the net with 2 or 3 guys, nothing serious or even substantial, mostly chatting as a distraction. After about 3 weeks, this time he was the one calling me. He stopped drinking, got himself in AA and for the first time since I'd met him began to express remorse for his own actions and stopped blaming me so much for mine. I didnt reunite with him right away, I didnt trust it. I continued to talk online with others just so I wouldnt fully commit to a situation I bleived would return to the way it was before as soon as I let him in again. I finally began to let his words in and stopped talking to others and reconciled with him. After about a month of being back together and about 2 months of his sobriety, we got into a small argument over something really insignificant and he reverted back to his old ways of drinking, stopped going to AA and began blaming me again. I was so angry I wanted to hurt him back so I told him about my talking with others after we broke up and I dont know why. To hurt him yes, probably to try to make myself appear desireable in a "I dont have to put up with this from you, I have other options" sort of way, but in the end, it only caused more trouble. We stayed together, me again guility blaming myself for my "indescretions" and him doing the same, him drinking, still good sex, still good conversation, but still miserable about 50% of the time. In summer of 2011 we'd gone a long while without things being break-up bad so I began to think about what it'd be like if we got married and had a family and started dropping hints about it. He nipped that in the bud right away and said he wanted children but never wanted to marry someone as "dishonet" and "disloyal" as me. We fought a lot about that, obviously and after getting another job with coworkers who were doing all kinds of drugs he began experimenting with cocaine and meth. In november of that year he became excessively paranoid that I was cheating on him and began questioning my every move, looking through my things, spying on me and constantly accusing me of doing those things. I stuck it out and didnt break up with him because I'd learned from the past that I was obviously too weak to stay away and a break up to reconcile would only cause me more grief so I stuck it out. That year, last year in december, without so much as an argument or anyting, he fell off the face of the earth on my birthday despite plans we'd made together and that we'd been getting along since he'd stopped doing the drugs and wasn't so paranoid. I still, even through that and his pathetic apologies, stuck with it. In february of this year he was fired from that job and then went on a drinking binge that lasted several weeks and eventually ended up getting into a fight with some people in a bad area in the middle of the night. When he came home bloody and beaten and with a dislocated shoulder, his mom called me and I left work to take him to the ER. They popped it back into place and told him to sling it and baby it for 90 days, effectively killing any chance he had at finding a new job. I nursed him during that time for about 3 weeks and in the middle of it, out of nowhere and with no warning argument anything whatsoever, he broke up with me for the fisrt time. I assumed it was just a product of his drinking and feeling bad about his life and not wanting me to see him like that. Afterall, I was used to him taking out his frustrations with his life on me and our relationship. I was used to being his emotional punching bag so at first I couldnt accept it. On three seperate occassions in March of this year I kept going to his house because he wouldnt take my calls trying to see if it was real or just his anger with his life talking. On all three occassions he ripped me to shreds like he'd never done before so the last time I left and resolved that it was officially, finally, over. A few weeks went by and I didnt hear from him at all and I went to a birthday party with a friend where a guy there asked for my number. I didnt want to give it to him but my friend suggested I give it a chance because she didnt want to see me moping around all the time. So I did and over the next couple months we began dating. He still hadnt called me, but hed started writing me letters, first they were angry shred ripping I hate you letters and then they began to ease up. In June, he sent me one lisitng his every transgression in 7 years together, taking responsibility and apologizing for each one. The letter had the tone of a goodbye, not a manipulation so I broke and finally responded. I wrote him and told him I was seeing someone else now and that I appreciated his saying those things because they were long overdue and that I did miss him but not all of the drama. We ended the conversation as friends. The new guy started to get on my nerves, little things like being kind of a mooch and being really crazy for commitment and "love" though we'd only known each other for a short time. I decided to break up with them and became single. I called him, I dont know why. Probably fear of being alone. But also because that letter told me he might have changed if he was able to finally grow a conscience and try to amend his mistakes. At first it was all great, though I didnt trust him because of all he'd said in March and he jumped through a lot of hoops to get me to trust him again. I began to and as soon as I did and fully commited to him again, the tongue lashings and drinking began again. That brings us to today. Over the last 6 weeks since we've been back together I've tried my hardest to correct my own mistakes of the past and he was too, sorta, but now he'd drinking again and beating me up verbally for dating that guy while we were separated. I love him deeply, obviously. I realize some of that is codependence but a lot of it is this feeling that he is my soulmate despite the problems. As I said before, he is my best friend and there is no one I enjoy talking to or spending time with more than him. We relate and connect on so many levels and it feels like a once in a life time thing that I'd be stupid to walk away from that kind of "movie love" (as far as our bond, devotion to one another, sex, love, etc) Even though all the pain, I am still as smitten with him as I was years ago, and he with me when he's not in a ****ty mood. Is it worth it? What do I do? I don't know. It's such a mess and I don't know how to fix it or how to walk away and stay away. Would it have been like this if I hadn't drawn that first blood as he says? Is his behavior my fault? Am I the bad guy? I dont know, I never do. Thanks for reading, I know it's really long.
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