Stella Sleepwalks Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Hey everyone... I think this is the right forum to post this.... I was dating a lovely guy for a couple of months, but unfortunately it didn't work out. There is a bit of distance between us and we weren't seeing very much of one another due to that and his shift pattern (he works for the emergency services). He told me that perhaps we should end things now rather than in a couple of months time so that we wouldn't get heartbroken....as he believed we wouldn't work out due to the reasons above. I didn't want to break-up initially, but when I looked at how much effort I was putting in, (all the travel and all the sacrifices to see him), compared to the effort he was putting in (zilch), I found myself agreeing.... I knew he wasn't prepared to make the effort to see me and solve the issue, so we went ahead and broke up mutually, agreeing to be friends. The breakup wasn't messy but he told me he was very sad, that he really liked me and wanted regular contact with me.... he also acknowledged that the problems between us stemmed from him. We had been broken up a week and I texted him to say hi and how was he etc. I wouldn't have taken the risk of initiating contact if I wasn't prepared for the "I met someone else" or the "I don't want to be friends" reply. Our last texts were lovely, positive, sweet and kind.... he replied incredibly flirtatiously! I have to say at this point that he cannot flirt to save his life! He's a very quite guy and I was shocked at just how forward he was. I told him to perhaps not share these *ahem* thoughts with me, and he went a bit sheepish and we started chatting about music, work, tv etc. It was a nice catch-up and I went to bed. The next day I woke up and there was a text waiting for me.... He had sent it pretty late and I had slept through it. I get up pretty early and didn't want to wake him up so I waited til late morning to respond. We had a few texts in the day (non-flirty I might add), and I felt happy that we were able to just pick up the phone and text if we felt like it.... we have never fallen out and we do have a good friendship. The next day we didn't correspond at all.... that is until 10:30pm when I was lying in bed just falling asleep and he text me asking how my day was.... It woke me up and it took me a few minutes to find my phone to respond. He told me he couldn't sleep, so we chatted for half an hour. Then he suddenly got flirty with me, telling me he'd found my vibrator (little thing) at his house... He's been decorating his room and found it behind the bed... so I just responded with "Just throw it away I don't want it." he responded with an "Oh ok then..." and then changed the subject to something completely different. I was exhausted and told him I needed to go to bed, and sweet dreams. He didn't reply..... Then yesterday I went on a little trip to the lake. I had mentioned it to him earlier in the week and I had an absolutely fantastic time On the train home he texted me, asking how it was and then called me "ya bum" like in the old gangster films (we watched Goodfellas together and often did the scenes for a laugh). He had used name-calling as a way of flirting with me when we were together, and said yes he knew he was a rubbish flirt and that it was childish but that's all he knew about flirting....along with dangling me upside down and pulling my hair At first I didn't grasp what he was saying so I sent back that I had a great time, was he out with his friends tonight, and what does the "bum" comment mean. He replied immediately and explained, so I replied back calling him a "dumb schmuck" and have a good night out Then I asked him a question about his decorating.... Noooooo reply.... there appears to be a bit of a pattern emerging where he doesn't reply for a while.... so that he always has an opening to initiate contact. I might be wrong but I wish he didn't feel like he had to do this. If he wants to talk to me then he can. It doesn't matter. We are both in our early thirties, and I so want to be friends but I know it can be hard going from one thing to another. We didn't break up because we stopped liking each other, it just wasn't going to work out with things being the way they were. I don't think he wants me back, and I couldn't go back to a relationship where I was putting all the effort in, but these texts are a little confusing for me... both the sudden random flirting and the not replying so he can initiate a few days later. I feel like he has sexual feelings for me, not romantic ones.... Though the texts are not always flirty, I think he thinks through what he is going to say before he texts me.... me on the other hand.... I just text him like I'd text any of my friends. Maybe I'm wrong and am overthinking? I'm filling my life with positive things, exercising more, eating better, seeing more of my friends and have thrown myself into work, so my life is pretty good. This is bringing me down a bit.... I feel like I have entered a game.
Author Stella Sleepwalks Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 Thank you Daniel... I think you may have helped me a year or so ago The thing with him is....he doesn't play games, he's a very simple soul. But you're right....he may have been given lots of advice from his daft friends who are BIG game players. We haven't spoken since Saturday afternoon when he asked my how my trip to the lake was. It made me realise that I do miss him, though things between us can't improve and it really is up to him to change his priorities and he acknowledges this..... He is such a beautiful person, and I have told him this, and I know that he holds me in high regard because of the things he said to me during the break-up. I texted him something we both find quite funny today, and he replied immediately, laughing and being nice. I texted him back asking him how he was and was he in work...... nothing Now, it isn't unusual for him to put his phone down and not return to it for hours on end, but its different this time. If he's in work he can't be on his phone, and when he's at home he's not glued to it. When we were together I'd often not hear from him for a full day....but this is different. Why be so forward and then pull away so dramatically? Is he struggling to be friends with me.... I've only been looking at this through my own emotions, not considering that this might be difficult for him, and he might be wrestling with the break-up too.... Us girls never see it from the guys perspective, and he is a very sensitive soul. Hurting him is the last thing in the world I want. I love him, though I never fell in love with him. This is really hard
Jes Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 I know this may or may not have anything to do with the subject, but i feel like you gave some great advice to Stella, Daniel, & i was hoping maybe you could give me advice with my current situation. I've been dating my boyfriend now for a year & three months, its been nothing but amazing, he treats me very well & i've never felt this way about anyone else. However, i use to smoke heavy amounts of marijuana, & i've decided i no longer wish to smoke anymore due to my health & what i want in my future. My boyfriend however still smokes everyday, & i feel waste's money on this addiction. Because i love him alot, i just want to make him happy, so although i dont make alot of money working at a very low paying job, i still give him half of my paycheck to buy more marijuana. Although i currently live with him & his parents & am not paying any rent, i still have other such bills & school coming up that i need all the money i can get. I just feel like everytime i give him this money, he's not appritative of the fact that, hey im not making alot of money & by me giving you this money, im putting my finanical situation in alittle bit of jeopardy. He make's alot more money then i do, but claims to not have alot of money due to car insurance, which i completely understand, but my credit card bill is racked up pretty high due to the fact that im giving him money for his addiction, & he's telling me how he plans to go to school this upcoming september. It upsets me that he doesnt bother to consider me & our furture, which include's going to school, & spending money, he doesnt seem to care that most of the money on my credit card is because of him. He barely gives me any money in repayment, & im left wondering if he really truly care's about our future together. I love this man so much, & i want him to be happy, but while im busy trying to make him happy, i've kind of forgotten about myself & what i want. Do you think i should just truly tell him how i feel?
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