Author woogy Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 The ball is in your court? IT is in both courts.. As far as arguing and fighting..There is a term used a lot with this stuff and it is fighting fair. If old junk comes up during a fight then it becomes a rehashing event. Does no good. Remember that. If a fight starts to go there then cut it off. Like I said I hope you luck but he has a lot of work to do and he needs to recognize that. One thing that I was wondering..why the affair anyway? What was his reason? Please don't take this wrong!! Did he think you weren't putting out enough. Life does get in the way of that sometimes. No reason to hunting for it somewhere else. Something that will need to be addressed. Well the affair wasn't physical, she lives in another state, it was an emotional affair, but still an affair none the less. He said that he felt that I didn't love him anymore and that our arguing all the time made him unhappy, and that he was lonely. I think he was also very depressed because for the last 3 years he hasn't been able to find a full time job. He was working temporary seasonal jobs but could not get anything permanent. I think this really ate at him because he felt he should be the provider and taking care of our family, not the other way around.
riverratt Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I see..I know affairs can happen by sheer "accident" by people in vulnerable states of mind. Even good people with morals. I have seen it happen. When I was in the service I tended a bar at a local VFW in Germany. I met a lot of people and it seems that when people get a few in them they will tell a guy behind a bar everything. Hang in there.
xenomorph Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 You are being manipulated, woogy. He keeps finding new ways to put blame or stress on you when HE is at fault here.
Author woogy Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Well we had a very good weekend. My H came Friday night and stayed the weekend with us. We went to MC on Saturday and told him we were considering trying to work it out. We had another good session. On Sunday, my H and I were out and we were talking about him moving back home. I asked him about the OW and if he has blocked her from emailing him, he said yes he did and she has been blocked from our cell account so she can't text or call either. He also said he told her to not contact him, but I asked him to put the blocks in place to give myself piece of mind. He told me he will give 110% to making our marriage work. So he moved back this week and it has been really good. We are going to continue to see the MC and we are setting up "dates" for just us to go on to connect with each other and spend time together. I know we have a long road ahead of us but we will take it one step at a time. Thanks again, this forum has really helped me and I will continue to come back here. Hopefully I will be able to help others as you have helped me.
Author woogy Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 Well it's been two weeks today since my H moved back home. We had a argument last weekend because I went on my H's computer and was "snooping". He has a password on his computer and his phone that he won't give to me or take them off. I told him it feels like he's hiding something because this is how he cheated on me, through the computer and phone. He said he has nothing to hide but won't give me the passwords because he doesn't feel he should have to, I'm not his mother. He does let me go on the computer and if I need to use his phone he unlocks it for me but it just didn't feel right. So when he went to work to pick up his equipment, I searched his computer. He must have a program on there because when he got back he knew I was looking around and got mad at me. This made me even more fearful that maybe he's in contact with the OW so a few days later, I emailed her and told her we are back together and to not contact my H anymore. She told me that she hasn't talked to him since they broke up and went on to tell me that she broke up with him not the other way around like he told me, which she emailed me the text messages between them showing me she broke it off with him and his response, which isn't what I expected. He was mad that she broke it off with him and told her that she won't break his heart anymore. I was crushed. I felt like he only got back together with me is because she dumped him so he settled. Of course, she didn't stop there. She went on to tell me that she wasn't the first girl he hooked up with in this game. When she met him, he was partnered up with another girl and that he has had an account on this game for over a year. Now this really isn't a game, is a virtual reality social networking game. So a hook up site/game. You can have sex, get married, buy a house, the whole nine yards. I had asked my H previously if he had in game sex with her and he told me no. She of course told me that had plenty of sex and in order to do that you need to purchase genitals, sex furniture, etc. She said my H had this before she even met him online. I had asked him previously to show me this game and maybe we could play and he said no. Now I know why, he didn't want me to see everything on his account!! After getting all these emails from the OW, my H and I were taking a car ride that was over an hour long that night. I told him there are a lot of things I have questions about and I need him to be completely honest. Yes I may get angry or hurt but I need the whole truth and then I will never bring it up again. So I asked him everything I found out. He told half truths or lied completely. I was so hurt and angry, I told him that the OW sent me all this info and what reason does she have to lie. She even sent me a screen shot showing he's had an account for over a year. He was so mad, he was screaming at me and telling me that he doesn't need this sh*t and he's done, he can't be with me anymore. I told him if he can't tell me the truth about this, what else will he lie about. He slept in the basement. The next day I emailed him to tell him, I can't make him love me or want to be with me. I will respect his decision and we will be roommates until he can find a place to live. Over the weekend, we had a MC scheduled, and I was surprised that he said he was coming with. I didn't expect it, I thought I would be going by myself. Well we went over everything that happened with the MC, he said we need to go back to how we are going to resolve conflict. He made some good points for both of us to think about. He wants us to think about what we each want from one another and what we can/cannot live with (like for me, no passwords or tell me the passwords). At our next session we will go over these items and see if there are any solutions. After our session, my H has been very loving and affectionate with me, which is a change. Usually I was the one who would come up and hug him or hold him, now he's doing it to me. So I'm not sure if he realized that I'm not going to beg him to stay anymore or if it was the session with the MC that got him thinking, but it's a nice change. So I'm taking it one day at a time to see how it goes. I still have some really bad days with me wondering if he would have come home if she didn't break it off with him or why he needed to go and say all those nasty things about me to her. Some days it drives me crazy, other days I do really well. I don't know why I can't seem to just forget it and move on. Sorry for the book, it's just nice to be able to talk to people who have been through this and no what I'm feeling. Thanks for listening.
Author woogy Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Well another argument yesterday. During the night, I heard his phone go off, it sounded like his text message notification. It looked like he was looking at his phone because the screen was lit up. I asked him what he was doing, he said nothing. I said was that a text that just came in, I heard the notification. He said, I don't know, it was probably an email. In the morning when we got up, I asked him when he looked at his phone if it was a text or email, he said it was a update for some app. But he was mad and yelled it at me. So after work I wanted to talk to him about why he gets so angry when I ask him questions and why he can't open up to me? I also had some questions about his relationship with the OW. Well that just started an argument. He tells me that I just can't let anything go and he can't live like this. I asked him let what go, because I ask you some questions you don't like, your done? He screams at me that he hates me and can't f*cking stand me. He wishes he would have never come back and he won't be here long. WTH. He tells me he understands what I'm going through and that I'm insecure and it will take time but I don't think he can truly can understand what this has done to me, not with that reaction. I even sent him a link to a wiki site about the steps WS should take to reconcile and it explains how the BS feels in each step. Do you think he read it, nope. Said he doesn't need to since he claims to know how I feel. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Owl Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I don't see any real effort for reconciliation on his part. Google search the term "gaslighting". That's what he's doing to you. Unless he massively changes his attitude, I don't see any basis for rebuilding a marriage with this man. He refuses to change, refuses to accept responsibility for what he's done, refuses to accept accountability to allow you to rebuild trust in him, and basically demonstrates no remorse for the hurt he's caused (and continues to cause) you. I don't get it...why do you want this kind of person in your life? 3
GuyInLimbo Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I know what online game you are talking about. i think it's called Second Life, right? I saw a news profile on a guy who's made millions selling virtual sex products on there. Somewhat ingenious. But, yeah, I think you've been given plenty of proof he's hiding, and has been hiding, a LOT. Not sure how you exactly tryst someone like that ever again, so I guess kudos to you for trying. I'm kind of with Owl's comments above. Why would anyone want that kind of person in their life?
Atlantico Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 woogy what a mess you have in there! Your husband is seated on the fence..one leg in other out... Looks like his main and recurrent complain is the arguing and fighting. Although this, in no way, justify his horrible behaviour with the OW, this has got to be taken in consideration here. In my opinion he is just punishing you relentlessly. In a way its his pay-back time ans he is enjoying it. Will it ever stop? I think it will for the best I would suggest for you to get your kids a baby siter, and invite your husband somewhere nice a couple of days, no sex, just COMMUNICATION and eye-to-eye contact. Show him the new you!!
Author woogy Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 Owl - I don't know anymore. Everything is a secret with him. And his response it he doesn't want me to boss him or have my hands in his sh*t. He said I'm not his mother and he doesn't need to tell me passwords and such. Just like we are now splitting the bills but he won't give me his passwords to pay his credit cards or student loan bills. Really, I've had access to these for I don't know how many years and paid them online but since he moved and changed the passwords I don't have access to them. WTH could he have on a credit card that he would be hiding, unless it's of course that he's still playing Second Life and spending money on crap on there. He did it before and I never knew the game so never questioned it before. Guy in Limbo - Yes the game is Second Life. I've done research on it and all it is a hook up site. That's what people get on there for. As for the trust, I don't know if the trust will be there, I never thought this would happen to me. I trusted him completely and look where that got me. Atlantico - A date night would be great if my H would actually open up and communicate but he doesn't. If I ask him anything about his affair or anything he doesn't like, he clams up and doesn't speak or he screams at me that he hates me and doesn't want to be with me. So as much as that sounds great, it would never work with him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to do everything he said I wasn't in our marriage and it's not good enough. He said I didn't show him enough attention, I've been doing that everyday. I sit with him while he plays his xbox and give him a massage or rub his head. I constantly come up to him and hold him, kiss his neck, just show him affection. I tell him how much I love him and want us to be happy. But the minute I bring up something he doesn't like, all hell breaks loose. There are plenty of other things he said I failed at in our marriage and I've change that. Still not good enough. It's like I'm suppose to kiss the ground he walks on because he decided to come back. I'm not suppose to say anything, just be a mute and do anything and everything for him. I'm not going to do that. He needs to understand I have good days where everything will be great but then there are bad days where the whole affair comes back and I have insecurities. It's not like that with him. So I don't know where we will end up.
Yasuandio Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Owl - I don't know anymore. Everything is a secret with him. And his response it he doesn't want me to boss him or have my hands in his sh*t. He said I'm not his mother and he doesn't need to tell me passwords and such. Just like we are now splitting the bills but he won't give me his passwords to pay his credit cards or student loan bills. Really, I've had access to these for I don't know how many years and paid them online but since he moved and changed the passwords I don't have access to them. WTH could he have on a credit card that he would be hiding, unless it's of course that he's still playing Second Life and spending money on crap on there. He did it before and I never knew the game so never questioned it before. Guy in Limbo - Yes the game is Second Life. I've done research on it and all it is a hook up site. That's what people get on there for. As for the trust, I don't know if the trust will be there, I never thought this would happen to me. I trusted him completely and look where that got me. Atlantico - A date night would be great if my H would actually open up and communicate but he doesn't. If I ask him anything about his affair or anything he doesn't like, he clams up and doesn't speak or he screams at me that he hates me and doesn't want to be with me. So as much as that sounds great, it would never work with him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to do everything he said I wasn't in our marriage and it's not good enough. He said I didn't show him enough attention, I've been doing that everyday. I sit with him while he plays his xbox and give him a massage or rub his head. I constantly come up to him and hold him, kiss his neck, just show him affection. I tell him how much I love him and want us to be happy. But the minute I bring up something he doesn't like, all hell breaks loose. There are plenty of other things he said I failed at in our marriage and I've change that. Still not good enough. It's like I'm suppose to kiss the ground he walks on because he decided to come back. I'm not suppose to say anything, just be a mute and do anything and everything for him. I'm not going to do that. He needs to understand I have good days where everything will be great but then there are bad days where the whole affair comes back and I have insecurities. It's not like that with him. So I don't know where we will end up. You know, it seems you have tried everything except for emasculating him for purchasing a hand and "products" in that stupid-azzed cyberspace game. How dysfunctional and innane is that? It's time you point it out for what it is. OMG. Yas PS Thank you, Lord, my x-husband was illiterate.
Author woogy Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 You know, it seems you have tried everything except for emasculating him for purchasing a hand and "products" in that stupid-azzed cyberspace game. How dysfunctional and innane is that? It's time you point it out for what it is. OMG. Yas PS Thank you, Lord, my x-husband was illiterate. How did I emasculate him? Please tell me? I don't care if he was using his CC for his game to purchase crap. But if he's purchasing items to have in game sex with another woman than yes I care.
xenomorph Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I don't see any real effort for reconciliation on his part. Google search the term "gaslighting". That's what he's doing to you. Unless he massively changes his attitude, I don't see any basis for rebuilding a marriage with this man. He refuses to change, refuses to accept responsibility for what he's done, refuses to accept accountability to allow you to rebuild trust in him, and basically demonstrates no remorse for the hurt he's caused (and continues to cause) you. I don't get it...why do you want this kind of person in your life? Thanks for pointing this all out, Owl. Woogy, this is EXACTLY what my soon to be ex husband did to me. Leave. Give him a few months and he'll come to realize what a complete, cruel idiot he was to you. Whether he decides to reach out to you or not after this realization should not matter to you. You must leave him and find the strength to forgive yourself and him, and move on. Yes, if you give him an inch, he will take a mile. He will continue to treat you poorly and confuse you. This will go on and on for as long as you allow it. I know you're confused right now, but no matter what you do, know that he will always find a way to justify his actions and emotions no matter what you do. You stay? Oh, you're being his 'mother'. You leave? Oh, you didn't care! It doesn't matter what you do, he will put you in the wrong. Leave, take a vacation from him. Let him have his bills. Marriage itself can affect relationships negatively, so remove it from the equation, as well as yourself. Keep your dignity, and let him fester in his own mess. He needs to figure this out himself, and you should not allow yourself to be in the blast radius!
Author woogy Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Well things still are not good. I was looking at our cell phone details and see my H has 17 picture messages within 2 weeks. I asked him about them and he got mad and told me how is he suppose to remember who sent him picture messages and did I even take into consideration the 2 I sent. Yes 2, so he got 15 picture messages from someone else. He then tells me they are from one of his classmates, that took pictures during training and sent them to him. Really, 15 messages from some dude. Of course he wouldn't show me the messages. Then this past Friday, he texts me after work and said he's going to the bar across the street with the guys for a drink or 2 and then will be home. Three hours later he shows up and tells me about how the bar is a Legion Hall and it was full of old men drinking. Okay, no problem, go out with the guys it didn't bother me. Then doing laundry on Sunday, I find a receipt for Friday night to another bar in another city over. I told him if he plans to lie to me to at least destroy the evidence. He said, yeah we went there to eat after having a drink at the legion. Now why couldn't he just tell me that instead of lying about it. He claims he was just there with the guys from work but if that is the case, why not be considerate and say, we are going to so and so, be back late. Am I wrong to want to know where he is in case something happens or that he will be later than just 1 or 2 drinks? So now he tells me he can't live with me checking up on him all the time, it's to stressful. Really, it's stressful for him? I didn't break our marriage vows and trust but it's to stressful for him. I told him that if he would be open with me and show me nothing is going on, it would ease my mind and help us along. Like if he gets picture messages, why can't he say, hey look at this picture I got. Either he doesn't want me to see who they are from or what they are of. And doesn't want to do that. Said I'm controlling him. And as for that stupid hook up site, I asked him why won't he cancel his account. Of course he got mad and said fine, give me the money I spent and I will cancel it. So I did. Then after asking him about the picture messages, he tells me, I don't know why you had me cancel my account, we won't be together, we're just going through the motions. Well, I'm not just going through the motions, I want us to work and have a strong marriage but I can't do it alone. That statement right there tells me he's not ever going to try and will eventually leave when it suits him. So I told him I want to be with someone who truly loves me and wants me to be happy too. Not be with someone just going through the motions just waiting for the opportunity to leave. So he might as well do it now, break my heart this last time and just be done. He responds with that I don't let anything go and never take his feelings into consideration. And if I would have been truthful when he asked if I had any hangups before he moved back home to reconcile we wouldn't be in this situation. So I caused this, really?
Author woogy Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Its obvious my h doesn't want this marriage to work. He told me today that if i would just got over it our marriage would work. How can i just get over it? I have really good days where i dont think about his affair and betrayal but i have many bad days when it all comes back. If i bring it up and ask him anything he gets mad and tells me why do i think the world revolves around me. And again he told me last what did i do i was talking to someone? So i guess phone sex and telling another woman you love them is just talking. He doesnt think he did anything wrong because they werent physical. Im sure if she actually lived here it would have bedn physical. So how do i let go? Especially now that hes back living with us and i have to see him everyday.
paradigm shift Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I am not sure- do you have kids? Woogy, hun, he has gotta go. When he does change the locks, grab a lawyer to file temporary custody and residency. Then you guys can work on your marriage, if that is want you want. But there is no transparency on his part and everything points to gaslighting I am afraid. I understand you want to believe him, trust me I do!! But take care of yourself, because only then can you address your marriage and where to go from here. Being proactive does not mean you don't want your marriage to work or you don't love your husband; it is simply getting both feet on the ground and moving in a direction you will have to go anyway-forward PS
Author woogy Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Yes we have two kids ages 11 and 13. They are going to be heartbroken again. My h was a stay at home dad for many years in our marriage so the kids are really close with him. I have noticed that since he's been back the kids still come to me for help with homework or any questions they have. They use to always go to there dad before since he was the one who was always with them. I guess those months he was gone and they didn't have him to go to, they got use to it being just me. I know we will be ok, its just hard to see the heartbroken again. I just don't know if i have the strength to let go.
paradigm shift Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I think you would be surprised at the amount of strength you can come up with. If you don't let go now, it will happen again and again- your children will go through this each and every time with you. Think about how the kids and you were alone...every kid wants his family to be together, but to go through this situation over and over does more damage to you all. Separate, regroup yourself and go from there. Right now you are too exhausted mentally and emotionally to even think about moving forward, but just take this one step. Then you can work on everything else. Your other option is status quo. He lies, you ignore and you carry on. It may seem easier, but I don't think it is. PS
Yasuandio Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 How did I emasculate him? Please tell me? I don't care if he was using his CC for his game to purchase crap. But if he's purchasing items to have in game sex with another woman than yes I care. Sap's right. I didn't mean YOU were emasculating him for buying a hand in the cyber game. I meant it was high time someone did. But, perhaps Sap is right. Rather than emasulate him -- he need a "talking to" about how "ignorant" it is to be participating in such nonsense cybergames. And he could be found out, right? What sort of reflection is that on his character? On your marriage, relationship with each other? Please. Yas
Author woogy Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 Well its been awhile since I posted. We have been having our ups and downs. Hubby has been giving me more attention and being a little more open or so I thought. The kids and I will be going on vacation next week for Christmas to visit my family. My H has not gone with us for many years now and this year he has to work so he couldn't come anyway if he wanted to. Well the other night I told him I was scared to leave because of what happened the last time I came back. I even asked him if he wanted to get caught because why else would he use his cell phone to call her. He told me no he didn't want to get caught, he only used the cell because he wasn't home at the time on the computer. This really got to me and of course my mind is now running. I then asked him what would have happened if I didn't find her number and of course his answer, I don't know. This is his usual response when he doesn't want to talk. I asked him again if there was anyone else besides her that he hooked up with on this site and he said no. I asked him how did this happen and why didn't you come talk to me instead of going out to find someone else. He tells me, I don't know, it just happened. Really, he claims she pursued him, it didn't just happen he could have told her, I'm not interested, I'm married but he didn't so that tells me he wanted it to happen. So after all this, it got me thinking again. Just out of curiosity, I had an old password H used to use and tried it on the Second Life game since he was suppose to have deleted the account. Guess what, it worked and the account is not deleted!! Come to find out looking at this account, back in April 2011 he was on there with another girl because he sent her gifts and then I found a message he didn't delete regarding another girl he was with on this game in March of this year before the last one he had the emotional affair with that I found out about when he left. I had asked him specifically if there was anyone else in this game and he flat out said no. Then I find this. If he can lie to me about internet relationships, what else is he lying about? Oh and after finding this, I was able to log into his email and I find that he never deleted the OW's contact information like he told me he did. WTH!! I want to confront him about all this and ask him why he lied but I know it will be a huge fight and then he will turn it around on me that I went into his accounts without his knowledge. Yes I did but with all the lies and then telling me he didn't want to get caught, I felt I needed to know what else there was. I'm probably wrong for doing it but now I know and how am I suppose to trust him if he can't be honest?
Mr. Lucky Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I'm probably wrong for doing it but now I know and how am I suppose to trust him if he can't be honest? Short answer is you can't. There are some stories on here where the WS seems to truly be remorseful and willing to do the work required to rebuild trust. Yours isn't one of them. I feel for you but "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..." Mr. Lucky 1
Author woogy Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 Thanks for your reply. I did ask my h if he ever felt guilty and he said yes. I then sai d when before you got caught or after. He said the whole time. To me that means something right? I just dont know anymore. What happened to the loving, caring husband I once had?? Will he ever come back around and realize all he has and could lose?
Mr. Lucky Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I just dont know anymore. What happened to the loving, caring husband I once had?? Will he ever come back around and realize all he has and could lose? Woggy, at this point I'd spend more time wondering about what you're going to do and less - or no - time wondering about his actions. You've now discovered that, after lying to you and cheating on you the first time, he's lying to you about other women again. If you really want him to to understand what he could lose then separate, start MC and see if he wakes up. Otherwise be prepared to spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to fall, not a fun way to live... Mr. Lucky
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