Husband gave up and left....

[so_difficult]

Why couldn't I just keep my big mouth shut!

 

No, no, no, don't do this to yourself! You opened your mouth because he was lying to you. He cannot reasonably expect you to not be looking for stuff like this. He's mad because you found it. You can't just stand there and let him dictate every move you make because you're afraid to lose him. That is not at all healthy, and what kind of relationship would that make?

[Eddie Edirol]

But I feel I have the advantage over the OW because he can only talk to her by text or on the phone where as I'm here and we can go out and have fun and try to reconnect. I'm hoping that by doing thing together and having fun, showing him how much he means to me that he will change his mind and come back. Just yesterday afternoon, before all this happened, he called me to ask me what I thought about him taking me and the kids to Fright Fest at Great America next month. So he does want to spend time with me and that shows me that he still thinks of me. To me that is a step in the right direction.

 

I know I should tell him its either her or me, but he's so stubborn and doesn't like to be told what to do so I'm afraid he will choose her. Since he has her in his life, I don't think it will affect him that much if I tell him he will lose me. By telling him this, it feels like I am the one who will lose since I won't have any part of him then. And I can't go completely NC with him since we have children.

 

You DO have the advantage, but youre not taking advantage like you should. Since he can only talk to her through phone and text, and he can only see you in person, you need to cut him off from you. You need to act like you dont need him, so he doesnt have a choice. Let him be stubborn and choose her. Let him pressure her for more time, panic, botch that up, and she will probably lose her attraction for him. THEN he will come looking for you when he has nothing else. Its not until you DONT need him that he will come looking for you. Trying to get him to spend more time with you and the kids will only make him seek her as a vacation.

 

Showing him how much he means to you isnt going to change his mind. LOSING you will change his mind when he doesnt have a choice. If he can only see her once in a while, its a long distance relationship, and not everyone can do it successfully. Plus, if he thinks you dont need him anymore, he will have to prove to YOU that you DO need him, and he needs you. Then he will have to try to woo you again. Just like when you first started dating. it doesnt work when you throw yourself at him, and he doesnt have to earn your affection.

[GuyInLimbo]

Thanks for the replies. Yes I know he is a cake eater. But I feel I have the advantage over the OW because he can only talk to her by text or on the phone where as I'm here and we can go out and have fun and try to reconnect. I'm hoping that by doing thing together and having fun, showing him how much he means to me that he will change his mind and come back. Just yesterday afternoon, before all this happened, he called me to ask me what I thought about him taking me and the kids to Fright Fest at Great America next month. So he does want to spend time with me and that shows me that he still thinks of me. To me that is a step in the right direction.

 

I know I should tell him its either her or me, but he's so stubborn and doesn't like to be told what to do so I'm afraid he will choose her. Since he has her in his life, I don't think it will affect him that much if I tell him he will lose me. By telling him this, it feels like I am the one who will lose since I won't have any part of him then. And I can't go completely NC with him since we have children.

 

Forgive me, but I have two words to describe you right now: door mat. You need to find some self-respect and stand up for yourself. Another poster was right that he's a cake eater. And you're serving the cake. He's an ********* for leading you on like this. Stand up, force him to make a decision and be done with it.

[woogy]

Thanks everyone for your input. I guess I really don't know how to let him go, because if I do, I don't think he will ever come back. He truly is stubborn and he is the type of person that won't come crawling back no matter how much he wants to. He can't swallow his pride and say he was wrong and ask for another chance, that's just not who he is. But again, I don't know how much more of this I can take. Right now I'm just going on hope that he will open his eyes and see the family he has lost and want to come back.

[GuyInLimbo]

First step is to stop making excuses for him and stop thinking you are going to change him.

[the ill-made knight]

He lied to you...yet you blame yourself.

 

He is having an extramarital affair...yet you try to win him back.

 

I'm wondering for how long are you going to let this man walk all over you.

 

I've said it once and I'll say it again; your problems lie within this OW. If the OW was out of the picture I'm sure your husband would be more than willing to work things out. In fact, I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts if he had never even met this OW he would still be "happily" married to you.

 

He's full of it and you're in denial.

[woogy]

I don't think I'm making excuses for him. And I know that I can't change him in any way. Just like I can't make him change his mind, but I can certainly put in his head doubts about his decision to make him think. I think if I step out of the picture, he has no reason to think about me because he has her. At least if I'm still around, I have that small chance that I'm on his mind.

[worldgonewrong]

I don't think I'm making excuses for him. And I know that I can't change him in any way. Just like I can't make him change his mind, but I can certainly put in his head doubts about his decision to make him think. I think if I step out of the picture, he has no reason to think about me because he has her. At least if I'm still around, I have that small chance that I'm on his mind.

 

You're doing all the thinking for him, for both of you.

And he's NOT thinking about you, or even you both as a couple.

 

The sooner you come to grips with that painful reality, the sooner you can get your head together.

[GuyInLimbo]

I don't think I'm making excuses for him. And I know that I can't change him in any way. Just like I can't make him change his mind, but I can certainly put in his head doubts about his decision to make him think. I think if I step out of the picture, he has no reason to think about me because he has her. At least if I'm still around, I have that small chance that I'm on his mind.

 

Woogy, I haven't read all 4 pages, but are you in therapy? If not, make an appointment right now. He/she is going to tell you the same things. You are in complete denial of what's going on here.

[woogy]

Woogy, I haven't read all 4 pages, but are you in therapy? If not, make an appointment right now. He/she is going to tell you the same things. You are in complete denial of what's going on here.

 

Yes I am in therapy. In my last session the counselor told me not to bring up the relationship but be friendly and happy. I asked him about taking my H out on dates and he said that I know my H better than anyone and he thought it's a good idea but don't be the one who is always asking. Ask him first and then don't ask again until he comes back to ask me out. He also told me that I can't worry about the OW because I can't control that. My H has to make up his mind, and if I just be happy, fun, outgoing and loving, he may see what he is losing and cut it off with her. I have my next appt on Saturday.

[woogy]

Well I need to come to terms with the fact that I don't think my husband will ever come back so I need to start LC to try and get over him. His birthday was yesterday so I asked him if he would come over so I can cook for him and have him spend the night so we can spend his birthday together. He said sure. I went all out for his dinner, crab legs, garlic butter shrimp, mussels, baked potatoe and corn on the cob. I got him a gift card to a game store since he loves gaming. It was a great night, we had a great dinner, talked about our days and slept together. This morning, before we have breakfast I ask him if he wants to come back over tonight and we can sleep in tomorrow before our MC appointment. He says, let me see. Well after breakfast, he's distant and doesn't say much. Then he tells me, he can't spend the night tonight because he needs to get a haircut tomorrow. Really, we don't have any haircut places around here? That's a lame excuse if I ever heard one. That right there told me he doesn't want to be here, he only came because it's his birthday and knew I would cook him something he loved and get him something. Here one day last week when I told him by text that I loved him, he text me back, I love you too. I thought he really meant it. I'm such a fool. I guess I should have seen this coming. You all told me I need to kick him to the curb and I didn't listen. Well, so I'm wondering, should I tell him that I can't do this anymore and he can go live in his fantasy world with this phone relationship he has and we will continue to see the counselor to work on overcoming conflict and getting along since we have kids or should I just start LC and not respond to his texts?

[strongnrelaxed]

I want my H back, I think counseling will help us. He said he can't forget all the argueing we have done these past 14yrs and he's done. He doesn't see any of the good times we have had in our marriage, everything in his eyes was negative. He won't go back to MC, he said he never wanted to in the first place. He said he was only doing it for me.

 

I don't understand how someone can throw away their family and not want to try.

 

It has been my experience that women are completely incapable of seeing their own behaviors from the perspective of others. Because other women feel a sense of "sisterhood" with you, they will likely support you regardless of what you have done. Sharon Osborne (Mrs. Ozzy Osbourne) recently joked relentlessly about a man being genitally mutilated while a whole audience of women squealed with delight. This is the perspective of mainstream women.

 

So while I would like to say nice things to you in support of your difficult situation, I would suggest that you let him go. You had him trapped in a ridiculously unfair marriage for 14 years and now you are going to demonize him here and elsewhere for the foreseeable future. The court system is going to turn him into a slave.

 

Why you would want to keep him around is a mystery to him - but not to me and men who know better.

 

You call it love. I call it something else.

 

I am not being mean here. No bad words, no harsh tone. Yet I bet you feel offended by this perspective. If your little son were in a relationship with a woman like you, what would you tell him? I do not expect you to be honest with me here, so don't respond to that. Just think about it.

 

Let your soon to be ex enjoy the last few months of life before you completely devastate him.

 

More and more men are realizing the scam that marriage has become and they are opting out. Either by resisting marriage or getting divorces- no matter how painful.

 

Perhaps after a few generations of women have had no one left to marry but losers, mama's boys, players, hustlers, bad boys and pimps, they will realize what they had.

 

The bad news is that this dynamic will mean a few more generations of children being bred by hateful, deceptive women and player, bad loser guys.

 

Ultimately this will continue the cycle and everyone in this new "class" of citizens will be like cattle. They will work, pay taxes (that will be removed from their paycheck before they have a chance to see the money) pay child support (which will be removed from their paycheck before they have a chance to see the money) and this will all filter through to your masters who will be only to happy to see this all continue.

 

Thanks feminists!

[strongnrelaxed]

Well I need to come to terms with the fact that I don't think my husband will ever come back so I need to start LC to try and get over him. His birthday was yesterday so I asked him if he would come over so I can cook for him and have him spend the night so we can spend his birthday together. He said sure. I went all out for his dinner, crab legs, garlic butter shrimp, mussels, baked potatoe and corn on the cob. I got him a gift card to a game store since he loves gaming. It was a great night, we had a great dinner, talked about our days and slept together. This morning, before we have breakfast I ask him if he wants to come back over tonight and we can sleep in tomorrow before our MC appointment. He says, let me see. Well after breakfast, he's distant and doesn't say much. Then he tells me, he can't spend the night tonight because he needs to get a haircut tomorrow. Really, we don't have any haircut places around here? That's a lame excuse if I ever heard one. That right there told me he doesn't want to be here, he only came because it's his birthday and knew I would cook him something he loved and get him something. Here one day last week when I told him by text that I loved him, he text me back, I love you too. I thought he really meant it. I'm such a fool. I guess I should have seen this coming. You all told me I need to kick him to the curb and I didn't listen. Well, so I'm wondering, should I tell him that I can't do this anymore and he can go live in his fantasy world with this phone relationship he has and we will continue to see the counselor to work on overcoming conflict and getting along since we have kids or should I just start LC and not respond to his texts?

 

Yes, you should have listened to what others told you. And remember, it is HE who is leaving - not you "kicking him to the curb" Words like this are so offensive and disgusting, that since you uttered them in writing, I can now see a hint of why he might be leaving you.

 

I am under no obligation to coddle or comfort you. My goal is to point out to other men the subtle little slips that women make that belie their true sentiments and intentions. Women are good at this -men are starting to learn and pay attention.

 

Men, read her posts from beginning to end. Read the women's responses. Note the lack of any language of any sort that hints that she may have driven him away. Not one small indicator of accountability. They say "it takes two to tango" when a woman screws up and everyone sees her errors. But when she screws up and posts HER side of the story, then it is still all about "kicking him to the curb"

 

What a demeaning and disgusting comment. Sure it is street or ghetto or whatever. But it should disturb any man who reads it. Keep this guy in your thoughts as he gets through the next few years of awakening to the legalized life of slavery that awaits.

 

Don't agree with me? Get a divorce and see what happens.

 

You have been warned.

[woogy]

My comment about kicking him to the curb, I learned from him. I had a discussion with him the other night and he said to me, "if I kick the OW to the curb and it doesn't work out between me and you, then what". I have said in my posts that I am partially to blame for our marriage being what it is. I never once said none of this is my fault. And he has said he is also to blame. I'm not sure where you are coming from, obviously your wife did a number on you in order for to to hate all women. You don't know me or who I am so you have no right to judge me. And if my son was in a relationship like ours has been I would tell him to talk to his wife and see what their issues are. Not go find another woman because he can't speak up. As for your comment of "Let your soon to be ex enjoy the last few months of life before you completely devastate him" I don't know what you mean by his last few months, you talk like he's dying. And how am I devastating him, because I want our marriage to work while he goes out and has an affair? Neither one of us took the time to stay connected with each other and we took our marriage for granted. There are marriages that can work and be happier than ever, but you will never see that with your attitude.

[sad puppy]

The aftermath of the birthday dinner is really sad. He's treating you like dirt. You keep sucking up to him, begging him, giving him sex, blah blah. Guess what? It's not working. He's not respecting you. He's not valuing you.

 

So, stop that behavior. Go cold as ice. Stop begging. Stop sucking up. Ice him. That'll make him wonder what's going on. Right now he knows he has you in the palm of his hand. And he's still carrying on with the OW. See?

 

Dig in, find your courage and start ignoring him. Stop acting like a little dog he can kick around.

[xenomorph]

woogy, PLEASE read my first post to you.

 

PLEASE.

I am on my knees BEGGING you to re-read it. As many time as it takes to sink in. My husband--who exhibited the very same behaviors yours is-- is long gone, and I am better for it. This man of yours is a leech, and if he to ever get better, it needs to be on his own. Do not let yourself get dragged along only to be dumped once he has sucked you dry.

 

Your husband is lying, cheating, cake eating, and most importantly:

 

YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT RESPECTING YOU.

 

 

If someone disrespects you, you leave them. You get them out of your life. It is the only way to send the message that you will not stand for this anymore. Coddling will only perpetuated this situation and destroy any chance you have at maintaining your own sanity.

 

Get rid of him.

Get individual counseling for yourself and let him wallow in his own fog. You need to move on. He is not your world. I went to MC with my husband as well and he LEFT after a few sessions once his actions were in question. I am betting that the MC sessions are all about your behavior and how to work around his sensitivities, but very little about his issues, correct?

 

I guarantee you that he will be in worse shape down the line. Let him be someone else's problem (and trust me, he WILL be a problem).

 

Please, woogy. Please. Get outta this!!!

 

You should be focusing your efforts on dissolving the marriage with your kids safe and wits intact, not wasting energy on someone who doesn't have your interests in mind.

 

 

If he is in a fog, he will not have an opportunity to "snap out of it" until you cut yourself from this murky water.

[xenomorph]

My comment about kicking him to the curb, I learned from him. I had a discussion with him the other night and he said to me, "if I kick the OW to the curb and it doesn't work out between me and you, then what".

 

Then it doesn't work out and you both go your separate ways. What about you? He sure isn't worried whether or not you've got a back up plan waiting for you.

 

Oh boo hoo, he's whining about not having a safety net/back up plan.

 

Ugh, what a loser.

[woogy]

woogy, PLEASE read my first post to you.

 

PLEASE.

I am on my knees BEGGING you to re-read it. As many time as it takes to sink in. My husband--who exhibited the very same behaviors yours is-- is long gone, and I am better for it. This man of yours is a leech, and if he to ever get better, it needs to be on his own. Do not let yourself get dragged along only to be dumped once he has sucked you dry.

 

Your husband is lying, cheating, cake eating, and most importantly:

 

YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT RESPECTING YOU.

 

 

If someone disrespects you, you leave them. You get them out of your life. It is the only way to send the message that you will not stand for this anymore. Coddling will only perpetuated this situation and destroy any chance you have at maintaining your own sanity.

 

Get rid of him.

Get individual counseling for yourself and let him wallow in his own fog. You need to move on. He is not your world. I went to MC with my husband as well and he LEFT after a few sessions once his actions were in question. I am betting that the MC sessions are all about your behavior and how to work around his sensitivities, but very little about his issues, correct?

 

I guarantee you that he will be in worse shape down the line. Let him be someone else's problem (and trust me, he WILL be a problem).

 

Please, woogy. Please. Get outta this!!!

 

You should be focusing your efforts on dissolving the marriage with your kids safe and wits intact, not wasting energy on someone who doesn't have your interests in mind.

 

 

If he is in a fog, he will not have an opportunity to "snap out of it" until you cut yourself from this murky water.

 

Well we had another blow up argument last night. All because i misunderstood his text and then he thought i was mad. We went to counseling today and the counselor had us try to see each others point. It did help. But he said he's done. He tells me he was going to break it off with the ow and give us a chance until last night. All over a misunderstanding and he's done again. I told him that's fine, i will let him go and he will only hear from me if its about the kids. I can't take these games. Thanks for everyones advice and support it really helps.

[woogy]

So another twist, my H texts me on Sunday asking me what I thought about him coming home to help with the kids. I asked him, what does that mean for us? This of course gets him angry and he tells me I keep trying to "jam it down his throat for us to get back together". He tells me nevermind, I was just thinking out loud. Later he texts me and tells me he's sorry, he should have yelled at me because he knows this is really hard for me. He then texts, "I shouldn't ask this but I'm going to, if we were going to try and work it out, would it be better to do it while living apart or living together". WTH? This is so confusing. We talked about it and he said he can't take us fighting, if we try to work it out and the fighting starts, he won't be able to take it and will want to leave again. I told him in order for me to try and work it out, he needs to tell the OW that he is going to try to get his marriage back and she needs to not contact him. He said, he won't do it. He just wants to ignore her and let the relationship die. I asked him, does he really think it will be that easy? Do you not think she will continue to contact you? I told him I can't take the fact knowing she will still be trying even if you don't respond. He said then he will block her. He doesn't like confrontation and said he will get grief from her and doesn't want to hear it. I left it at that and won't bring it up until we go see the counselor again on Saturday because no matter what I say, he won't listen to me but at least he listens to what the counselor has to say. To me it feels like he wants to keep her lingering in the background as a back up in case we don't work out. I just don't know anymore, I'm confused and exhausted.

[riverratt]

I am a man and I get your side of things. This behavior doesn't seem to be only men and only women. I see it that if he doesn't have the "Balls", excuse me I am a man, to tell the OW what is up then he isn't worth having.

 

That shows disrespect. That fact that he cheated would be enough for me. Sorry, I am a little old fashioned. Cheating is flat wrong.

 

Have you done things wrong to get the marriage to this point. Sure. We all have do things wrong. We are human. If our partner can't see that then it is not going to work out.

 

The thing I have had thrown in my face by my soon to be ex wife was the fact she didn't feel I supported her enough during her bout with depression. I was working extra to keep the bills paid. Between a rock and a hard place. It did end up, in counseling, that I didn't set a mouse trap one time.

 

Work on yourself. Save what you have for another person. There are still good men out there and well as good women for us men.

 

It will be tough. It has been the toughest thing I have ever gone through.

[riverratt]

I do hope the best for you but the fact that it may not work out is something you need to accept.

[woogy]

I do hope the best for you but the fact that it may not work out is something you need to accept.

 

Thanks riverratt, I have come to terms with the fact that it may not work out. And everytime I tell him, I respect your decision that you don't want to try and work it out and I will let you go, won't contact you unless necessary, a day or two later he's coming back with questions about maybe making it work. It's like he wants me to continue pursuing him but it feels like he doesn't want to break it off with the OW either. To just ignore her or block her from contacting him, it's like he wants her to wait and fears she won't if he actually tells her he wants to try to repair his marriage. I just don't know anymore, I truly think we can be happy and work on our marriage but I really think he needs to give it 100% otherwise it's just going to fail.

[woogy]

Well my H called me during his lunch break. He tells me I took care of the OW. I said, so she is not going to contact you anymore. He said, its done between us. Now it's up to you, the ball is in your court for us to work. I told him, it's going to take both of us to make this work. His response, well you know what you need to do, no more arguing or fighting. Its like he's putting all this on my shoulders in case it doesn't work so he's not to blame. Maybe I'm reading more into this and that's not how he meant it. I didn't get to talk to him very long, he didn't have a long break before he needed to be back. I would like to know what he said to the OW to make sure it's clear that they are done but I know if I ask him it will only make him angry and he will say I'm trying to start a fight withi him. Am I wrong to want to know or should I just let it be? I guess I will talk to him more this week.

[GuyInLimbo]

Sorry to be blunt, but my description of being a doormat still applies if you take this guy back. You are still letting him control the situation and you seem to be willing to forgive anything he does. He knows he can play you and is taking advantage of it.

[riverratt]

The ball is in your court? IT is in both courts.. As far as arguing and fighting..There is a term used a lot with this stuff and it is fighting fair. If old junk comes up during a fight then it becomes a rehashing event. Does no good. Remember that. If a fight starts to go there then cut it off.

 

Like I said I hope you luck but he has a lot of work to do and he needs to recognize that.

 

One thing that I was wondering..why the affair anyway? What was his reason? Please don't take this wrong!! Did he think you weren't putting out enough. Life does get in the way of that sometimes. No reason to hunting for it somewhere else. Something that will need to be addressed.