Husband gave up and left....

[M30USA]

Well I've had nothing but time to take a hard look at myself and how I was in my marriage. It's to bad it's to late. I wish I would have taken the time to look at myself a long time ago and make the changes then.

 

Methinks you only want what you can't have. Methinks if you really wanted to be with him, you would have realized this before he became involved with another woman. (Same applies to him of course.)

[woogy]

But I was starting to realize it before I found out he was with someone else. When I came back from vacation, I wanted to sit down and talk to him about how our marriage was and that we were getting to distant from each other. I realized then that I wasn't the person I wanted to be and I was willing to sit down and discuss it. I never got that chance because it all hit the fan the minute I got back home. Yes I probably should have realized a long time ago that the person I became wasn't who I wanted to be. It should not have taken me this long to figure that out.

[M30USA]

But I was starting to realize it before I found out he was with someone else. When I came back from vacation, I wanted to sit down and talk to him about how our marriage was and that we were getting to distant from each other. I realized then that I wasn't the person I wanted to be and I was willing to sit down and discuss it. I never got that chance because it all hit the fan the minute I got back home. Yes I probably should have realized a long time ago that the person I became wasn't who I wanted to be. It should not have taken me this long to figure that out.

 

Hmmm...sometimes life just sucks and you'll never know the hows or whys for certain things...

 

I always say this world is God's, not ours. Just in case you haven't noticed already..

Edited August 21, 2012 by M30USA

[the ill-made knight]

Did your husband ever come to you with any problems he was having in the marriage?

 

Honestly, this sounds like it is much more about the OW than you or your marriage. The WS is always going to try to make excuses as to why he/she cheated and why he/she is leaving. They are just that as well- excuses. A real spouse turns to their partner in bad times, not away from their partner to someone else.

[William.]

I believe it's just a case of bad communication from both sides, and things have, evidently gone bad. At least an effort is being made to correct their wrongs in the past. Hope it goes well and that what you're both looking for is there

[woogy]

Did your husband ever come to you with any problems he was having in the marriage?

 

Honestly, this sounds like it is much more about the OW than you or your marriage. The WS is always going to try to make excuses as to why he/she cheated and why he/she is leaving. They are just that as well- excuses. A real spouse turns to their partner in bad times, not away from their partner to someone else.

 

No he didn't come to me. Well about a week or so before he left, he said he was unhappy but he wouldn't talk about it. I thought he was depressed because he had not been able to find a job. I noticed that the past month or two he was more distant and didn't want to talk to me at all. Whenever I would try to talk to him and ask him what is wrong he would tell me nothing. If I kept asking or telling him he was acting different he would get angry at me for all the questions. I realize now it was because he was with her during this time. Even recently when he told me he broke it off with her, I noticed how he would talk to me more, joke around, and was back to being himself. When the distance crept back in, I knew she was back. He of course doesn't see this at all.

[xenomorph]

You're not alone. My husband was the same way, and all he is going to do is waste YOUR time. He'll say things like "i'll think about it" and lots of "maybes" because he's keeping you as a 'back up' plan if his new prospects fall through.

 

The time is NOW to drop him like a sack of potatoes, because that's what he'll turn into in your eyes a few months down the line. Drop him, and drop him FAST. Start moving on now. Seek full custody--because if cares at all for the family, he'll at least put up a fight--and child support, all he's going to be is dead weight that will find a way to leech off of you if given the chance.

 

It's worth your time and energy to seek out legal representation and get the ball rolling. Once he sees that you're closing all the doors and windows, his true colors will show. Cut the gray area he has been trying to cultivate with excuses and existential BS, because allowing this gray zone to exist will keep both of you in a fog.

 

Assume that there is no chance for reconciliation now. Mourn and move on. I know how hard it is... it's been a few months since he bailed, and here I am, stronger and happier than ever! Recover is different for everyone and there is no set number of days to feel "Cured", but this helped:

 

Amazon.com: How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life (9780767909082): Howard Bronson, Mike Riley: Books

 

just take the ideas and do them at your own pace. it DOES help put things in perspective when you feel you're slipping.

 

(((hugs)))

[Steen719]

You're not alone. My husband was the same way, and all he is going to do is waste YOUR time. He'll say things like "i'll think about it" and lots of "maybes" because he's keeping you as a 'back up' plan if his new prospects fall through.

 

The time is NOW to drop him like a sack of potatoes, because that's what he'll turn into in your eyes a few months down the line. Drop him, and drop him FAST. Start moving on now. Seek full custody--because if cares at all for the family, he'll at least put up a fight--and child support, all he's going to be is dead weight that will find a way to leech off of you if given the chance.

 

It's worth your time and energy to seek out legal representation and get the ball rolling. Once he sees that you're closing all the doors and windows, his true colors will show. Cut the gray area he has been trying to cultivate with excuses and existential BS, because allowing this gray zone to exist will keep both of you in a fog.

 

Assume that there is no chance for reconciliation now. Mourn and move on. I know how hard it is... it's been a few months since he bailed, and here I am, stronger and happier than ever! Recover is different for everyone and there is no set number of days to feel "Cured", but this helped:

 

Amazon.com: How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life (9780767909082): Howard Bronson, Mike Riley: Books

 

just take the ideas and do them at your own pace. it DOES help put things in perspective when you feel you're slipping.

 

(((hugs)))

 

The above is true. You may not feel that way now, but in some time, you will see that you are too good to stay with someone who has treated you this way and what the OW will have is a cheating, lying SOB. Really! Let her worry about what he is up to and believe me, she will.

 

You don't think this now, but in time you will wonder why you thought you could not live without him. You will think about what he has done to you and realize that he is selfish & self-serving. You are blaming yourself for all of this and that is not helpful and not true. Who among us doesn't need to change some things about ourselves? We all do. He is using his supposed long term unhappiness to justify his affair with this woman and if you don't stand up for yourself, you will not feel good about yourself later.

 

Tell him to go to the OW, call the attorney and get the ball rolling. Be strong!!! Tell him to get out and go to her and have some self-respect. You do not deserve this kind of treatment. You know, one thing I have learned though-out my mess is that we really do teach people how to treat us. He can treat you like this because you allow him to. You might be surprised at what he does when you act like this. Weak, cheating spouses often begin to realize what asses they are when you do this, but if he doesn't, then you have your answer anyway.

 

Believe those of us who have been through this. You are spinning your wheels and this cheating, lying man has 2 women who want him. Go figure!

 

Good luck!

[woogy]

Well I still don't know what is going on. Just last Thursday, after going out to dinner with the kids, we talked a little and my H tells me that "she's not as significant as you think". What the hell is that suppose to mean? If she's not significant, they why the hundreds of text messages back and forth between them daily?? They don't talk on the phone, it is just text messages. But still if he's telling me this then why do they communicate so much? When I went to the counselor last night he even said he tells you one thing but then his actions are different. He said I shouldn't pursue him but if he contacts me, be friendly and happy. I haven't talked to my H much anymore about our relationship, we just talk about our days and the kids. The counselor did ask if my H would come back for a few sessions, even if it's to help us communicate better and resolve conflicts together. This is so hard, I just wish he would wake up and realize all he's losing and missing out on!!

[woogy]

Ok now I'm confused. The other day my H text me and asked if our interent bill is in his name since he just started working for the company that provides our internet he gets a discount. I told him I didn't think it was but I could change it over to his name so we could get the discount. He then tells me he thinks he is going to have a problem with taking a company truck home since they have GPS on them and know where they are at 24/7 and will wonder why it's not being parked at his home address. Plus the place he is staying at is just a parking lot, no garage so the company vehicle won't be secure. Why is he telling me this, does he want me to tell him to move back home? He should know I want him to come back, I've told him before. Plus he's been texting me on his breaks and lunchtime at work. And at night he texts me good night and in the morning he texts me to have a good day. Could he be finally coming around? Or am I reading more into this?

[woogy]

Well what a weekend! My H came over Friday for dinner and we watched movies. It got late so he spent the night. We ended up sleeping together twice, which I was the one who initiated it each time. He tells me the next day he needs to go home to shower and change as we were going out that night. I tell him he can do that here instead of driving back since he did his laundry here the night before. Nope, he wants to go and come back. Well I noticed on our cell phone providers site that he went home to text the OW, like over 100 messages in the couple hours he was gone. I didn't say anything when he got back here and we went out on our "date". We went to shoot pool and have a few drinks. He also brought two movies with him for us to watch with the kids once we got back. So we go out for 2 hrs and have a good time. We come back and watch a movie. We put in the second movie and take a break to get snacks. I hear him on his phone, then hear the beep that he got a text message. I of course know it's the OW texting him. I tell him, why does he have to text her daily, why can't he take one day to spend it with just me, does she always have to be in the picture. He of course gets mad and then wants to leave. Since he drank quite a few beers, I told him he can't be driving and he can sleep in the basement. This got him angry, he didn't want to be here and wanted to go. It caused us to argue. Bringing up all our past issues of how we fought, how I didn't give him enough attention or treat him very well, just everything. He told me he didn't want to be in this house anymore and he was done. He couldn't ever see us together, he gave me 14 yrs and he was done. Well he finally went to sleep since I wasn't giving up his keys. I couldn't sleep at all. I finally woke him at 7:30am and asked him didn't he have to go since he was driving a friend somewhere at 8am. He said he wouldn't make it and they would have to get a ride from someone else. I told him I was sorry for the arguing and for being so jealous. It just hurts to know he's emotionally involved with someone else. He then tells me that he understands and it actually feels good that I"m jealous because it shows him that I still care about him and love him. He then tells me I should try and get some sleep since I've been up all night and do I want to go lay down with him. I said yes. Well we are laying there at first he had his back to me so I layed next to him and held him. After a few minutes he turned and held me back then he initiated with me which he hasn't done throughout this whole separation. He also told me that I looked really good last night when we went out. I haven't gotten a compliment from him in I don't remember how long. Later he asks if he can take the kids swimming at his place, I said of course. He tells me after they are done he will call and he wants to take us all out for dinner. I told him I would like that. Then before he leaves, he tells me that I should relax and unwind. Try not to thing about the OW and just spend some time watching tv or on the computer, just let my mind rest. He said, I really do love you and I want to come back but I'm scared in a few months we will be back to how it was. And it felt really good to lay next to you this morning and hold each other. I also want to go to counseling with you so I will make sure to be there Tuesday. I'm so confused as while we were arguing that night, he's telling me he's done and then the next morning he tells me he does love me and wants to come back but is scared. This is so hard. I understand his feelings of being scared we will go back to arguing and ignoring each other, but how can you change your mind just like that?

Edited September 3, 2012 by woogy

[the ill-made knight]

As long as the OW is in the picture there is little to no hope for your marriage. When your husband cuts contact with the OW is when he is serious about reconciling. Before that he's just having his cake and eating it too and that's not fair to you or your kids.

[worldgonewrong]

Your husband is a colossal dirtbag.

 

He then tells me that he understands and it actually feels good that I"m jealous because it shows him that I still care about him and love him.

 

AND a first-prize narcissist. Whoa.

[KatZee]

Your husband is a colossal dirtbag.

 

 

 

AND a first-prize narcissist. Whoa.

 

Agreed. I'm kind of confused as to what kind of situation this is. You go on "dates" with him and allow him to have sex with you and sleep in your bed, and YOU hold HIM after knowing he's been having an emotional affair and who knows what else with this OW?

 

You then know he leaves your place, to go text the OW and you still go out on these dates, and lay in bed with him, and think that he's "coming around" ???

 

The only way he'd be coming around is if he got rid of this OW, got into therapy and focused on you 110%. He wouldn't waffle around saying, "wahh I'm scared we'll be back to where we were!" He would be taking active steps to fixing the relationship.

 

He's a cake eater if I've ever seen one.

[woogy]

I'm trying to win husband back. He told me that I didnt show him enough attention and never wanted to have sex when we were together. So I'm showing him attention because i realize now that i did neglect him during or marriage. I want him to see that I truly do love him and that I can make him happy. He has agreed to go to MC with me and we have an appointment tomorrow. So that shows me that he does want to try. As for the texting the only reason i know they are is we have a family cell plan and i can see how many messages he has. I know i shouldn't be sleeping with him but i love him so much. And she lives out of state so they can't do much besides text and talk on the phone. I know an EA I'd just as bad as a PA but i want to do all i can to win him back. I figure i have the advantage since I'm here and she's not.

[CrSif]

This is way too similar. Mine is having and has been having some sort of mid life crisis for 2 years (although of course, he insists he is not). He just took a bike trip with a co-worker and ended up coming home and saying our marriage was over. I took my wedding vows very seriously and i just wish everyone else did as well. Neither of us deserve this ME or YOU. And we may be better off without them, although it's hard to imagine that right now...

[Gunny376]

This is addressed to the OP ~ so if the rest of you want to read it or skip it that's up to you.

 

A lot of our roles as men ~ women ~ husbands ~ wife's ~ mothers ~ fathers are culturally and socially dictated. One that wore heavy on me? Was that of being the provider ~ of being the "Go to guy!" The guy with all of the answers and all of the solutions.

 

Guess what? I don't have them all. When I was in my Twenties? I thought I had it all figured out! "I've got this!"

 

Only to get into my thirties to find out that I didn't! I begin to think I might just have a handle on it all ~ when BAM! I hit my forties! Still didn't have a freaking clue!

 

Now that I'm in my fifties? The one thing I've got a good and clear pretty picture in my head is that I never had a freaking clue! I don't have any and all of the answers to all of the questions ~ nor all of the solutions to all of the problems.

 

I use to could work on cars. Oh I still know the basics and fundamentals. But they're intentionally designing cars so you can't work on them. Not like they did back in the Sixties and Nineties. Now you've got to have a $10,000 R2D2 unit to hook up to them. I still want to get my hands on the SOB from Chrysler/Dodge that put the battery under the windshield washer reserve tank ~ or whoever thought it was a really good idea to put the fuel pump in the gas tank! :mad: :mad: !&^%&*^&^%&^%*&!!!!

 

Me, myself and I? I'm above average intellegence, above average educated (both formally and informally), I have a libarary card and use it weekly. I'm all about bookstores, reading, learning! Knowledge is King in my book.

 

And I'm experinced and trained in a lot of cool guy stuff ~ via the United States Marine Corsp. Been and have lived all over the world. I've been through Mountain Warfare, Jungle Warfare, Winter Warfare, Desert Warfare School. I know how survive off of the land, hunt, set traps and sares, rock climb, rappel. I've eaten things that would make a Billy Goat puke. (Thank God for Lousiana Hot Sauce! )

 

But women are a mystery to me! Can't please them, can't make them happy! Never satisfied! Your best is never good enough! No matter what you say or do? Your still on the s***** end of the stick.

 

You want your DH back? Give him this!

 

APPRECIATION

 

ATTENTION

 

LISTEN TO HIM

 

ADMIRATION

 

ACCEPTANCE

 

VALIDATION

 

The same exact thing you yourself want and need as a human being ~ your children need ~ your Aunt Nelly needs. We all need as human beings! Complete and total acceptance and validation!

[woogy]

This is addressed to the OP ~ so if the rest of you want to read it or skip it that's up to you.

 

A lot of our roles as men ~ women ~ husbands ~ wife's ~ mothers ~ fathers are culturally and socially dictated. One that wore heavy on me? Was that of being the provider ~ of being the "Go to guy!" The guy with all of the answers and all of the solutions.

 

Guess what? I don't have them all. When I was in my Twenties? I thought I had it all figured out! "I've got this!"

 

Only to get into my thirties to find out that I didn't! I begin to think I might just have a handle on it all ~ when BAM! I hit my forties! Still didn't have a freaking clue!

 

Now that I'm in my fifties? The one thing I've got a good and clear pretty picture in my head is that I never had a freaking clue! I don't have any and all of the answers to all of the questions ~ nor all of the solutions to all of the problems.

 

I use to could work on cars. Oh I still know the basics and fundamentals. But they're intentionally designing cars so you can't work on them. Not like they did back in the Sixties and Nineties. Now you've got to have a $10,000 R2D2 unit to hook up to them. I still want to get my hands on the SOB from Chrysler/Dodge that put the battery under the windshield washer reserve tank ~ or whoever thought it was a really good idea to put the fuel pump in the gas tank! :mad: :mad: !&^%&*^&^%&^%*&!!!!

 

Me, myself and I? I'm above average intellegence, above average educated (both formally and informally), I have a libarary card and use it weekly. I'm all about bookstores, reading, learning! Knowledge is King in my book.

 

And I'm experinced and trained in a lot of cool guy stuff ~ via the United States Marine Corsp. Been and have lived all over the world. I've been through Mountain Warfare, Jungle Warfare, Winter Warfare, Desert Warfare School. I know how survive off of the land, hunt, set traps and sares, rock climb, rappel. I've eaten things that would make a Billy Goat puke. (Thank God for Lousiana Hot Sauce! )

 

But women are a mystery to me! Can't please them, can't make them happy! Never satisfied! Your best is never good enough! No matter what you say or do? Your still on the s***** end of the stick.

 

You want your DH back? Give him this!

 

APPRECIATION

 

ATTENTION

 

LISTEN TO HIM

 

ADMIRATION

 

ACCEPTANCE

 

VALIDATION

 

The same exact thing you yourself want and need as a human being ~ your children need ~ your Aunt Nelly needs. We all need as human beings! Complete and total acceptance and validation!

 

Thanks Gunny! This is exactly what I have been trying to do. I realized that I stopped doing this during our marriage and if I could turn back the clock and start over I would. It's hard to do all these things when I hardly ever see my H. I get to see him on the weekends and that is about it. We talk through texting during the week but not a whole lot. So the little time I do get to actually see him, I try to make the best of it and show him how much he means to me.

[woogy]

Well we had our counseling session tonight. The counselor wants to work at how we resolve conflict. My H is the type of person to not say anything when something is bothering him, he just avoids conflict until it builds up and then the whole situation blows up. I realize that I was trying to control everything. Instead of finding compromises, I tried to tell my H what needs to be done. With him avoiding everything, he would let it go until it built up enough to have a huge fight. I now realize if I come at our issues with options of how to resolve things instead of telling him what to do, he in return will not resent me and will work with me. This is a start. But he still sees all negative in our relationship and doesn't think that I can change. He told the counselor, she may change temporarily but will go back to the way she was. I explained to him that I never had a crisis like this happen before that made me look back at myself and who I've become. I don't want to be that person so why wouldn't I continue with the changes. I don't think he will ever believe that I can make the change and since he's no longer here, I don't know how he will see the changes either. But we are going to continue going to counseling each week and hopefully this will open his eyes.

[woogy]

Well I made him angry again last night. I was going over our final bill from our old cell company and as I was looking through it I see all the phone calls he was making to the OW. Then I see the date of the calls were when we had our first counseling session on 8/6, he called her after he dropped me off after we talked with the counselor. At that session, he told the counselor that they were not together anymore and had not talked. Then I see the cell bill and they had talked a few days prior to our session and then that night right after he dropped me off. It felt like someone kicked me in the gut. All I could think about was he lied and then called her to probably tell her all about our session. He gets angry and said he didn't lie, they were broke up for a week and didn't talk that whole week. I asked him if that was the case, why the phone calls days before our session and then tell both the counselor and I that you were not together but then turn around and call her that night. And of course the answer I get is I don't know. Now he doesn't want to talk to me. Needless to say, I didn't sleep last night. I feel like I pushed him away and that's not what I wanted to do. Why couldn't I just keep my big mouth shut!

[stillafool]

You do realize your husband has become a cake eater don't you? Right now he has you loving him and the OW loving him. He's got it made, why would he change anything. You are now at the point of being afraid to say what you feel because you are so desperate to get him back. How long do you plan to live this way? You may think you two are moving forward but you aren't.

[Owl]

I think you've been doing what is called "plan A" in some recovery plans to help a marriage make it through infidelity.

 

You've been working on making improvements for yourself. Learning from the mistakes you've made in the past, and demonstrating those things to your H...all the while keeping the pressure on him to end his affair.

 

There's usually a "plan B" to this as well. That's where you inform him that if he wants to keep you in his life in any fashion, he has to end the affair, send a no contact letter to OW, agree to SHOWING you that the affair is over, and agree to work on the marriage. And then you go no contact with him until he agrees with and implements all of these changes.

 

You're coming up on time to implement 'plan b'. He needs to see that if he doesn't change...he WILL lose you.

[woogy]

Thanks for the replies. Yes I know he is a cake eater. But I feel I have the advantage over the OW because he can only talk to her by text or on the phone where as I'm here and we can go out and have fun and try to reconnect. I'm hoping that by doing thing together and having fun, showing him how much he means to me that he will change his mind and come back. Just yesterday afternoon, before all this happened, he called me to ask me what I thought about him taking me and the kids to Fright Fest at Great America next month. So he does want to spend time with me and that shows me that he still thinks of me. To me that is a step in the right direction.

 

I know I should tell him its either her or me, but he's so stubborn and doesn't like to be told what to do so I'm afraid he will choose her. Since he has her in his life, I don't think it will affect him that much if I tell him he will lose me. By telling him this, it feels like I am the one who will lose since I won't have any part of him then. And I can't go completely NC with him since we have children.

Edited September 6, 2012 by woogy

[worldgonewrong]

Well I made him angry again last night. I was going over our final bill from our old cell company and as I was looking through it I see all the phone calls he was making to the OW. Then I see the date of the calls were when we had our first counseling session on 8/6, he called her after he dropped me off after we talked with the counselor. At that session, he told the counselor that they were not together anymore and had not talked. Then I see the cell bill and they had talked a few days prior to our session and then that night right after he dropped me off. It felt like someone kicked me in the gut. All I could think about was he lied and then called her to probably tell her all about our session. He gets angry and said he didn't lie, they were broke up for a week and didn't talk that whole week. I asked him if that was the case, why the phone calls days before our session and then tell both the counselor and I that you were not together but then turn around and call her that night. And of course the answer I get is I don't know. Now he doesn't want to talk to me. Needless to say, I didn't sleep last night. I feel like I pushed him away and that's not what I wanted to do. Why couldn't I just keep my big mouth shut!

 

Why are you apologizing for his sh*tty behavior?!?!

You had every right to call him out on what he did.

Stop being an enabler. The man's a pig.

[Owl]

Something to consider...

 

He has had, and still maintains, all the control and decision making power in your relationship with him.

 

That's what's led to where you're at today, and that's what's keeping you from moving forward at this point.

 

The problem is that you're sitting there waiting on him to make a choice.

 

Why should he? Right now, he's got BOTH of you willing to do whatever it takes for him to "choose you". He's in heaven. Two willing women almost literally fighting over him...definitely trying to show him that they're the one he needs to be with.

 

It gives him all the power...and no reason to change.

 

YOU need to take back your power. The person not afraid to lose is the one with the most power. If/when you reach a point where you're no longer afraid of losing him...you'll be the one with the control and decision making power then, not him.

 

You've shown him how good things can be...now he needs to see that if he doesn't change, he's going to lose that.

 

If you can't do that yet...then things are going to remain as they are until you DO make that choice.

 

Not attacking you here...I've been in your shoes. My wife almost left me for someone she met via online gaming...was all set to go live with him, although they'd never met in person. I know how you're feeling right now...but I'm also telling you what led to my marriage recovering from all of this.

 

Truly wishing the best for you.