woogy Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Hi All. I've been lurking in these boards for the past month. I wanted to share my story, sorry in advance if its long. A month ago, I came back from visiting my family and I found out my H was having an internet relationship with some girl he met playing online games. The way I found out is her phone number appeared on our cell phone bill. When I asked him who this was, he told me it's none of my business, it's a friend of his. I knew right then that it was a woman. She lives out of state. We argued and he packed up his stuff and left. I called the woman and he made up this huge story about how he had been separated from me for a year and how our 14 yrs of marriage he was unhappy the whole time and only stayed because of the kids. Now that the kids are a little older, 11 and 13, he said he felt okay leaving as they would understand. He made me out to be the devil according to her. I explained our situation and she told me she was done with him. She even emailed me his text that he was sending to her trying to lure her back. We emailed back and forth throughout the week. I was also talking to the H and decided that I couldn't through away our family and marriage and wanted to work it out. I told him that the Friday after he left. He said he would think about it. I even text her and asked her if she was talking to him because I wanted to put my family back together. I never heard from her to I knew they must have gotten back together. When I asked my H he said yeah we are back together. I was crushed. I did everything I should not have. I kept contact with him trying to get him to change his mind. We started doing things together with the kids. We were making plans to take them camping and just doing stuff as a family. He did tell me he broke it off with her and wanted to be alone. He didn't want anyone right now. I asked if he would go to MC and he said he would. We went to MC last Monday, the counselor asked him about this internet relationship and he said he was done with it. He suggested we try a Healing Separation. My H said he would look at the paperwork and we would let him know when we go back this Monday. Well I found out on Friday after signing a new 2 yr cell contract with my H that he's back with her again. Once again, I'm crushed. I want my H back, I think counseling will help us. He said he can't forget all the argueing we have done these past 14yrs and he's done. He doesn't see any of the good times we have had in our marriage, everything in his eyes was negative. He won't go back to MC, he said he never wanted to in the first place. He said he was only doing it for me. I don't understand how someone can throw away their family and not want to try.
Blueflames Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Sometimes people are just done, as much as you might want it to be different sometimes it just isn't. 4
LvRorynVan Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Im so sorry you're going through this. I too am going through a similar situation. Its been about 3 weeks since my H moved out. Im doing way way better now than I was the first week. What sucks about our situations is that we know we have no control over the other person's feelings. Sometimes the best thing for men that leave this way to let them have what they want....nothing but lonely space and separation. This last week mine has been feeling me this bs about how we might get back together, its only a separation, but during the separation he doesn't want to talk about our problems or see an MC. I think mine has a girlfriend also even though he swears he doesn't. Its easy to quickly leave when someone is waiting with open arms on the other side, you know? Take this time apart and reflect on whether or not you want to be with someone who could do this to you. I've been asking myself if I would ever do this, and because Im so devoted, and chose to love him everyday, I would not, and I deserve someone who feels that same way about relationships. I really believe that you and I (you seem like a very strong woman) will move forward, and in time they will realize they are still unhappy and realize they through away a good life of family for no good reason. Its sad when you think you know someone, its not us, its them. Mine used the same excuses too btw, about the arguing..give me a break! Everybody argues! 2
Author woogy Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Thanks for the replies. He sent me a text to call him. He wanted to tell me again that he's sorry he didn't want to hurt me. He said he didn't think I loved him anymore so he thought I would be okay if he left. He claims she has nothing to do with him leaving. He said he may not have left right at this moment but would have soon. Of course I don't believe it but he's in the affair fog and won't listen to anything. He then tells me he still cares about me a lot and wants to be friends. How am I suppose to be friends when I still love him but he doesn't love me back?
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Thanks for the replies. He sent me a text to call him. He wanted to tell me again that he's sorry he didn't want to hurt me. He said he didn't think I loved him anymore so he thought I would be okay if he left. He claims she has nothing to do with him leaving. He said he may not have left right at this moment but would have soon. Of course I don't believe it but he's in the affair fog and won't listen to anything. He then tells me he still cares about me a lot and wants to be friends. How am I suppose to be friends when I still love him but he doesn't love me back? He's in a fog. He IS NOT thinking clearly and yes, it does have to do with the OW and his affair with her. He's attached to her but the thing that he doesn't realize .. The grass is not greener .. Sadly he is going to have to learn this and you'll suffer because of it. I say, tell him to leave you alone and tell him that you're going to speak to a lawyer. And that you two can't be friends. NO way. Let him see what life is like without you in it. Let him deal with the fallout! Tell your family (and his) that he's left you for someone else (that's what he's done) and sadly the marriage is over (his choice). Do family counseling to help your kids with the changes..Somehow you and him need to talk to them, make them understand they've done nothing wrong. Please get some counselling to help you cope with all this and do speak to your friends and family for support and help. NUMBER ONE RULE. THE OW is to be NO WHERE around your children. I hope he respects this. He wants to see the kids, he can see them without her around. 5
worldgonewrong Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 He then tells me he still cares about me a lot and wants to be friends. How am I suppose to be friends when I still love him but he doesn't love me back? He's an arsehole. You didn't marry him to be 'friends', for God's sake; friends are a dime-a-dozen, but a spouse - your true love - is a rarity. You should tell him to stuff it. 8
Author woogy Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Thanks for the responses. I have spoken to a lawyer already. I did that the first week he was gone, I wanted to make sure I knew everything that could happen and be prepared for it. I also told my family and his about his affair and that our marriage is over. They all support me on both sides, they can't believe he would do this to me. We have sat down and talked to the kids to let them know it's not their fault and we both love them and will be there for them. I am going to counseling, I never thought about family counseling. Could I do that with just the kids or does he have to be there? I would prefer to do it with just me and the kids. As for the OW, right now she lives out of state but they did talk about her moving here. I made it clear she is not to be around my children at all, they have enough to deal with right now. Thanks again for all the responses, it sure does help to get this all out. Yes talking with my friends and family helps but they haven't gone through this so they don't understand how I'm feeling. 1
bentnotbroken Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Yes, you can do counseling with the children only. It is a good move to help you and children to cope in the most healthy ways possibility. Hang on to your children and family. Cry when you need to, scream when you need to and be pissed when you need to. 2
Gunny376 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) He's in a fog. He IS NOT thinking clearly and yes, it does have to do with the OW and his affair with her. He's attached to her but the thing that he doesn't realize .. The grass is not greener .. Sadly he is going to have to learn this and you'll suffer because of it. I say, tell him to leave you alone and tell him that you're going to speak to a lawyer. And that you two can't be friends. NO way. Let him see what life is like without you in it. Let him deal with the fallout! Tell your family (and his) that he's left you for someone else (that's what he's done) and sadly the marriage is over (his choice). Do family counseling to help your kids with the changes..Somehow you and him need to talk to them, make them understand they've done nothing wrong. Please get some counselling to help you cope with all this and do speak to your friends and family for support and help. NUMBER ONE RULE. THE OW is to be NO WHERE around your children. I hope he respects this. He wants to see the kids, he can see them without her around. Slap his happy azz with a set of divorce papers! Then go "deep and silent" like a nuclear sub under the polar ice cap ~ as though you've disappered under the polar ice cap for six or twelve months. Shoot for the moon and demand the impossible ~ child support, plus alimony, plus he takes all of the bills from the marriage to include your car payment, car insurance, the utlities, the grocery bill, the medical, the dental the works! You leave him with nothing! Just enough to rent a one bedroom apartment with a toliet on the side (not even a seperate bathroom), let his happy azz eat bologna sandwiches and SPAM out of the can. Freaking Bennies and Wennies become a luxuary meal for him! Forget this azzhat! Whatever you do! Don't you freaking even dare go down that merry little path of beating yourself up that you weren't good enough for him ~ nor good enough for him! Don't you freaking dare do it! Don't go down "Self Pity Road!" Its NOT that you don't deserve him! Its that HE doesn't deserve YOU! Edited August 14, 2012 by Gunny376 8
soccerrprp Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Slap his happy azz with a set of divorce papers! Then go "deep and silent" like a nuclear sub under the polar ice cap ~ as though you've disappered under the polar ice cap for six or twelve months. Shoot for the moon and demand the impossible ~ child support, plus alimony, plus he takes all of the bills from the marriage to include your car payment, car insurance, the utlities, the grocery bill, the medical, the dental the works! You leave him with nothing! Just enough to rent a one bedroom apartment with a toliet on the side (not even a seperate bathroom), let his happy azz eat bologna sandwiches and SPAM out of the can. Freaking Bennies and Wennies become a luxuary meal for him! Forget this azzhat! Whatever you do! Don't you freaking even dare go down that merry little path of beating yourself up that you weren't good enough for him ~ nor good enough for him! Don't you freaking dare do it! Don't go down "Self Pity Road!" Its NOT that you don't deserve him! Its that HE doesn't deserve YOU! Holy schmatas! You have strong feelings about this... 2
William. Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) I guess i'm in no position to speak as i'm what 18 years old but it's always made me wonder how people get divorced. I mean one way or another SOMEONE or SOMETHING must be going wrong right? Having said that shouldn't husbands and wives talk to each other about these problems instead of being irrational and idiotic. Reading your story of course it seems like the husband has been the fool in this plot but i wonder was it really just *the grass is greener on the other side* that made him just decide to leave? Having said that it's still undoubted that you're in an unfortunate and saddening situation but are there ways to just, make things work out? Edited August 14, 2012 by William.
Gunny376 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) Holy schmatas! You have strong feelings about this... Deserters deserve no less! Quiring is easy! Once quitters start quiting! They NEVER stop quiting! Edited August 14, 2012 by Gunny376 2
LvRorynVan Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Deserters deserve no less! Quiring is easy! Once quitters start quiting! They NEVER stop quiting! I must say you are one good cheerleader for the newly broken hearted and abandoned 1
LaDiva Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Hi All. I've been lurking in these boards for the past month. I wanted to share my story, sorry in advance if its long. I want my H back, I think counseling will help us. He said he can't forget all the argueing we have done these past 14yrs and he's done. He doesn't see any of the good times we have had in our marriage, everything in his eyes was negative. He won't go back to MC, he said he never wanted to in the first place. He said he was only doing it for me. I don't understand how someone can throw away their family and not want to try. Are you in IC? I ask because a friend of mine told me that if you want your husband/marriage back you have to be willing to put in work in all aspects. He was wrong to step outside of your marriage. <~~ That is a period. But you said that he has told you that he just can't with all the arguing over the past 14 years and he is done. It's easy to get stuck into assuming because he is the one who is acting/striking out, that he is the only one that needs to work on himself. 1
Author woogy Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 Are you in IC? I ask because a friend of mine told me that if you want your husband/marriage back you have to be willing to put in work in all aspects. He was wrong to step outside of your marriage. <~~ That is a period. But you said that he has told you that he just can't with all the arguing over the past 14 years and he is done. It's easy to get stuck into assuming because he is the one who is acting/striking out, that he is the only one that needs to work on himself. Yes I am in IC. I know I need to work on myself also, it takes two to be in a marriage. I realize I took my marriage for granted and didn't give him enough attention. But that still doesn't change the fact that he didn't come to me to work things out, he found someone else and left. He did call me the other night to ask me if he could see the counselor by himself. I was going to see him that night so I talked to the counselor about it since I wasn't sure if he could see us both individually. The counselor stated as long as he doesn't want to know how to divorce me because that's not what I want and it would be a conflict of interest, he would see him. So it shows me he is willing to work on himself but if he's still with her then it is useless to me.
ver13 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Yes I am in IC. I know I need to work on myself also, it takes two to be in a marriage. I realize I took my marriage for granted and didn't give him enough attention. But that still doesn't change the fact that he didn't come to me to work things out, he found someone else and left. He did call me the other night to ask me if he could see the counselor by himself. I was going to see him that night so I talked to the counselor about it since I wasn't sure if he could see us both individually. The counselor stated as long as he doesn't want to know how to divorce me because that's not what I want and it would be a conflict of interest, he would see him. So it shows me he is willing to work on himself but if he's still with her then it is useless to me. 14yrs can seem like just yesterday or forever depending on whats going on in your M at the time. We all take people for granted until they are no longer there, what you might want to focus on is the reason for all the arguing in the first place. He has been feeling like this for quite awhile and he needs to get his Shyte together IC may help him that for sure. But the other stuff in the M that got it to this point needs to be addressed and in the end you may still be where you are now. That being said focus on your part of this situation and look at what you may need to do to protect your self if it doesn't work out. As for the OW don't waste your time with her anymore you already confronted her and she played you pretending that she wasn't fully aware etc... Let him know that you are willing and ready to address the short comings in your relationship here and now not later. But let him know that the A$$ Clownery has to stop with the OW period. It's really up to him at this point there isn't more that you can do so let him do what he feels is right and let him reap his rewards.
K Os Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I guess i'm in no position to speak as i'm what 18 years old but it's always made me wonder how people get divorced. I mean one way or another SOMEONE or SOMETHING must be going wrong right? Having said that shouldn't husbands and wives talk to each other about these problems instead of being irrational and idiotic. Reading your story of course it seems like the husband has been the fool in this plot but i wonder was it really just *the grass is greener on the other side* that made him just decide to leave? Having said that it's still undoubted that you're in an unfortunate and saddening situation but are there ways to just, make things work out? William, being 18 years old puts you in exactly the right position to say this, and you're right in so many ways. In my view, and that of many others here (generally classed as 'the betrayed') there should always be ways to work things out. And you're absolutely right, most of it starts with poor communication. Talking about problems early on, before they get big and generate resentments that do real damage, is key to preventing these disasters. Bear that in mind as you move on from 18 1
Author woogy Posted August 17, 2012 Author Posted August 17, 2012 14yrs can seem like just yesterday or forever depending on whats going on in your M at the time. We all take people for granted until they are no longer there, what you might want to focus on is the reason for all the arguing in the first place. He has been feeling like this for quite awhile and he needs to get his Shyte together IC may help him that for sure. But the other stuff in the M that got it to this point needs to be addressed and in the end you may still be where you are now. That being said focus on your part of this situation and look at what you may need to do to protect your self if it doesn't work out. As for the OW don't waste your time with her anymore you already confronted her and she played you pretending that she wasn't fully aware etc... Let him know that you are willing and ready to address the short comings in your relationship here and now not later. But let him know that the A$$ Clownery has to stop with the OW period. It's really up to him at this point there isn't more that you can do so let him do what he feels is right and let him reap his rewards. Well I called and talked to him today. I asked him if he is willing to work on our issues and give our marriage a try. I told him in order to do this, he needs to break it off with her and have no other contact. He needs to tell her to leave him alone as he wants to work on his marriage and never contact her again while we try to save our relationship. He told me he needs to think about it, that he did speak with the counselor about this and he just wants some time because he's confused. He did say if we do try he's not ready to move back in yet because he doesn't want to be in the same situation later down the road if it doesn't work out. I told him I would give him some space to decide but I'm not going to wait around forever. We are planning on taking our kids out to dinner tomorrow to celebrate him getting a new job and then taking them to the air and water show on Saturday. I love spending time as a family together but it just feels strange since he's not sure what he wants. 1
LvRorynVan Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Well I called and talked to him today. I asked him if he is willing to work on our issues and give our marriage a try. I told him in order to do this, he needs to break it off with her and have no other contact. He needs to tell her to leave him alone as he wants to work on his marriage and never contact her again while we try to save our relationship. He told me he needs to think about it, that he did speak with the counselor about this and he just wants some time because he's confused. He did say if we do try he's not ready to move back in yet because he doesn't want to be in the same situation later down the road if it doesn't work out. I told him I would give him some space to decide but I'm not going to wait around forever. We are planning on taking our kids out to dinner tomorrow to celebrate him getting a new job and then taking them to the air and water show on Saturday. I love spending time as a family together but it just feels strange since he's not sure what he wants. I am all for working on and saving a marriage, just keep in mind, that NOBODY deserves to be jerked around. People know what they really want most of the time, they're just too scared to act on it. I really hope he can admit to what it is he wants, because nobody should have to put their own feelings and wants for the marriage on hold for long. Just keep in mind that you deserve better the way he is playing this, and that you shouldn't settle for this crap anymore. Give it a time frame in your mind..how long are you willing to wait for him to pull his head out of his a$$? My ex gave me the same song and dance: "Im confused" "I dont know what I want, I just need space" which later led to "Im not going to lead you on anymore, its over" which was crushing. Now that Im starting to move on and he can see it its: "I thought you were gonna stick around and that we would maybe get back to together down the road" He clearly doesn't care for ME if im supposed to be unhappy and on hold..very selfish way of thinking these men..
Author woogy Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Well I went to see hubby yesterday to talk about where we are going and if we are going to try. We talked for a few hours and he told me he is afraid to come back because he doesn't want it to go back to the way it was. I understand where he's coming from but I am changing and going to counseling to make myself into a better person. He doesn't think people can change though. Well, today I log into my email and the OW has contacted me. She tells me that her and my H have decided to stay together and she is willing to fight for him no matter what. She said she doesn't believe my H wants to be with me or get his family back. They are determined to be together so I should get use to the fact that she isn't going anywhere. She doesn't care what I think of her or what the world thinks of her moral standards. She loves him and is in it for the long haul. WFH is wrong with this woman? Why does she feel the need to contact me? And I asked my H previously if he tells her what we talk about and he said no. Well that right there showed me that he does tell her we talk and that I have asked him to work it out and save our marriage. I'm so hurt and disappointed. I'm back to being a mess.
M30USA Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 You mentioned that you are trying to "change" for him. Elaborate on that.
Author woogy Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 I'm not trying to change for him, I'm changing to become a better person. I took a hard look back at our marriage and realized I wasn't the loving caring person that I once was. I turned out to be a real bitch and a nag. I want to be the person that I use to be. I don't want to be the person that flies off the handle at anything. I don't want to bitch and complain about how things are not the way I wanted them. I use to be understanding, and compassionate, I don't know how I lost that. 1
M30USA Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I turned out to be a real bitch and a nag. Dang, if my STBXW had even half the self-reflection and personal remorse that you had...
Author woogy Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Well I've had nothing but time to take a hard look at myself and how I was in my marriage. It's to bad it's to late. I wish I would have taken the time to look at myself a long time ago and make the changes then.
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