Dumper offered his head on a silver plate... and I blew it

[whatdoesntkillyou]

I am not sure if it belonged to my original thread but it almost warrants a new situation on its own.

 

Brief background: Relationship of 4 months, broke up 4 weeks ago with limited contact equally initiated on both sides. Dumper wanted space to sort himself out.

 

My Ex talked again tonight, on instant messaging. The Ex must have seen photos of me having fun (nothing sexually suggestive at all) with a new and somewhat attractive guy and he tried to probe me about it.

 

After some pleasantries,

 

Ex: "So I know I am not allowed to be jealous of [new guy]..."

 

* I diverted to another topic*

 

Ex: "So is somethign happening with you and [new guy]"?

Me: Look. We're just friends. For now. I enjoy his company, that's all. It's just like you and your [his purely platonic friend].

Ex: "Me and [platonic friend] don't see each other often. We're not each other's types. We're going to Nightclub X next saturday... if you're around.

Me: "I'll see, I have had a few big weekends".

 

*I diverted the topic away again*

 

Ex:"so i shouldn't be jealous about [new guy] then?"

Me:" What do you want me to say?"

Ex: "I am so sorry. Don't worry about it."

 

I should have left it as it was at this point, but then I kept going!

Me: "Don't worry. We're not in a sexual relationship." (Although we might be!)

 

Ex: "I haven't moved on moved on... I miss you."

 

Then he apologised. I gave in and decided to placate him, which I now regret.

 

Me: "I miss you too, to love someone - it's not so easy to move on, is it? But I feel like I have no choice."

 

Ex: "We're saying similar things...I like the space to work on things... I miss you."

 

Me: "Thanks - that means a lot to me. i am saying I still love you. but I got to try and box it away. And I miss you, too. I am sorry I made you feel pressured when we were in a relationship."

That was the part I really regretted. He gave a long pause and then said I needn't apologise.

 

Realising what I have done, I clarified that I didn't want to talk about our past relationship and what it could have been, and to get on with my life.

 

ME: "look. just because i miss you doesn't mean i am revisiting our relationship. let the past be the past. it doesn't end if it was rosy."

 

We then exchanged some more pleasantries and ended the conversation. He noted that it was nice to chat with me again. And indeed it was in general a nice conversation. But I felt like I have made myself vulnerable.

 

How much damage have I done? I felt like I lapped up the breadcrumbs he fed me when I was just beginning to get on with my life? What should I do now? I should not be getting my hopes up ( I would still want to be with him but he hasn't got his life sorted out) but I felt like the clarity of wanting to move on has blurred. Please advise!!!!!!

Edited August 12, 2012 by whatdoesntkillyou
Grammar

[Xestenz]

Don't beat yourself up. Four weeks is nothing, and your emotions are still in control. But the real issue is that if you have to worry about every nuance of everything you say, then you are not yet in a place that can allow things to naturally rekindle.

 

The common recommendation here would be to stop talking with this guy and go 'no contact' until you reach that place of calmness and trust in yourself again.

 

Only you can decide if this course is right for you, but when you do reach that place of healing and calmness you will trust that whatever you express to him if it is from the heart, is 'right' -- and if he can't accept that then it is his problem, not yours.

[whatdoesntkillyou]

Thanks Xestenz, I was in panic mode yesterday and I thought I just handed power back to him completely... but I guess it's not as bad as it looks.

 

Sorry I have one more question:

 

Essentially, my ex (of 4 months, 4 weeks post breakup + LC) has told me, after seeing photos of me and another guy just doing everyday things, that

 

• he's jealous
  
• he hasn't " 'moved on' moved on"
  
• He used the space from the separation to figure himself out and is making progress
  
• He is not sleeping with anyone or wanting to date
  
• He misses me.
  

 

Would me going back to NC/LC completely constructive or counterproductive to any prospect of reconciliation? I am at two minds of whether I want one though.

 

Thanks so much guys!!

Edited August 13, 2012 by whatdoesntkillyou

[whatdoesntkillyou]

Anyone? Please help!

[Hornachero]

Whatdoesnotkillyou,

 

Could you give more context? Did he call you/text you today? The conversation seemed quite positive to me. Do you want to go back with him if you (really) had the chance?

[whatdoesntkillyou]

I do- if he is ready to commit (and can show me that). I still love him. The thing is, he is still 'working on his issues' and he said he is making progress, and he is liking the space to work on it. But it's hard to know whether to pull away and move on, because it might just kill it off completely, you know?

 

Here is the background - it's a long thread and I am sorry about that!!

 

Thank you!!

[Hornachero]

Well, it is quite clear that your ex is still attached to you. An ex doesn't have this kind of conversation with someone he/she cannot stand anymore. However, you guys separated for a reason and your boyfriend seems hesitant to jump back into the relationship again. Give him a little bit of space then (but not too much). I would act happy and confident, go out with friends but would most definitely not get emotional around him. Don't beg or supplicate. Just try to have light and funny conversation like the ones you would have with a pal of yours (I know it's not easy). If he is truly attached, he will make it very clear that he wants to go back with you.

 

Hang in there

[whatdoesntkillyou]

Hey,

Thank you again for answering!

That's the thing - we broke up because he asked me for space to 'figure himself out'- and the break-up wasn't ugly. Quite amicable, in fact.

I guess I am just not sure whether it's bread crumbs to see if I am still on the hook or he is genuinely attached! I guess I will just have to get on with life and hope for the best...

[whatdoesntkillyou]

Just a quick update for those who are interested ( I noticed lots of people reading!) -

 

He just talked to me on FB then. Apparently I commented on an old photo of mine and he said I looked really cute in it. Then he chatted about really everyday things until I had to stop the conversation and do some work. He's either bored and wanted company to fill the void, or is genuinely interested. But talk is cheap, right?