How do I feel better?

[taser4u]

So a few months ago I was dating (not a couple) this guy. Met 3 times before briefly, I was actively pursued, asked on a 1st date and went on 5 others thereafter all over apprx. 1.5 months. I was 22, him 27 and this was the first "real" foray for me into dating. I guess you could say I was "green". Other pursuers had always been friends or people I had known through other friends. Anyway, the attraction was fantastic and the dates were great however he just disappeared. I did let him know that sometimes it takes a little bit for me to get comfortable (I'm a bit shy at first) around someone completely new but he msged me incessantly ... even to the point sometimes where I'd get a bit frustrated with the frequency and stop messaging for the rest of the day.

 

He said he'd broken up with the gf he was living with in Jan. and we met in March. The intimacy always seemed kind of rushed to me, like holding hands and kissing my forehead multiple times around his friends by the 2nd/3rd date. That might seem little to other people but I almost feel like he instantly wanted to replace the intimacy he'd lost with his ex. and I guess writing this now is kinda putting things into perspective for me. Anyway, I met his friends, partied with them, went over to his place more than once (though I never spent the night or had sex, just some petting, clothes on). Also, another thing I need an opinion on ... I went over to his place and the first question I asked was "Who else lives here?" almost like I knew someone else had been/or was there ... He said no one, then we cuddled in his once shared bed with her. Is that disrespectful (I mean, not being upfront and "laying me down" in their shared place)? Or am I reading too much into that? The times I went over I didn't know, but found out later when he said he was moving cause she was moving back to the city and didnt want to tell me before 'cause he didn't want to scare me. I genuinely liked him so didn't pry about it and never asked anymore questions about her or that situation.

 

Then I went away to visit family for 2 wks, came back, msged him. He seemed a bit distant so I asked straight up "If I invite you to things, would you be interested?" he said "Yes." there after I called once, sent a total of 4 msgs (none nagging or asking why, just random invites to parties etc) when I decided to call this one a "loss" cause he poofed.

 

What I do not understand is why after a total of 9 meetings (which to me seems like a lot) ... do you just drop off the face of the earth? If he was no longer interested I would have had no issue (honestly, I'm quite a non confrontational person) saying "Ok, cool, if that's how you feel" and let things go. But, now I'm still left wondering why? what did I do? Did I say something wrong?*

 

I know it is a blessing in disguise that I didn't get mixed up with someone who at 27 couldn't have the decency to clearly state how they felt ... but I cannot stop wondering and I'm afraid this may hinder me even more in opening up and trusting someone else in the future. I just can't seem to shake the thoughts ... and think that I'm somehow undesirable ... I sometimes feel like just throwing up to get the depressive thoughts out of my head and find some relief ...*

 

Any advice would be helpful I guess I was naïve and feel somewhat used ... The saddest part is that I probably would have slept with this guy if I'd seen him again ... I guess I should say thanks for small blessings huh?

[Silly_Girl]

Some people are total cowards. Sorry he was a tw@t.

 

But maybe the time apart allowed him to realise what your post intimates - that he just was not past his previous relationship.

 

On the plus side it sounds like you pitched things right and had a good handle on his behaviour. Try again, when you're ready. You'll be fine, they're not all like him

[AlexCross]

So a few months ago I was dating (not a couple) this guy. Met 3 times before briefly, I was actively pursued, asked on a 1st date and went on 5 others thereafter all over apprx. 1.5 months. I was 22, him 27 and this was the first "real" foray for me into dating. I guess you could say I was "green". Other pursuers had always been friends or people I had known through other friends. Anyway, the attraction was fantastic and the dates were great however he just disappeared. I did let him know that sometimes it takes a little bit for me to get comfortable (I'm a bit shy at first) around someone completely new but he msged me incessantly ... even to the point sometimes where I'd get a bit frustrated with the frequency and stop messaging for the rest of the day.

 

He said he'd broken up with the gf he was living with in Jan. and we met in March. The intimacy always seemed kind of rushed to me, like holding hands and kissing my forehead multiple times around his friends by the 2nd/3rd date. That might seem little to other people but I almost feel like he instantly wanted to replace the intimacy he'd lost with his ex. and I guess writing this now is kinda putting things into perspective for me. Anyway, I met his friends, partied with them, went over to his place more than once (though I never spent the night or had sex, just some petting, clothes on). Also, another thing I need an opinion on ... I went over to his place and the first question I asked was "Who else lives here?" almost like I knew someone else had been/or was there ... He said no one, then we cuddled in his once shared bed with her. Is that disrespectful (I mean, not being upfront and "laying me down" in their shared place)? Or am I reading too much into that? The times I went over I didn't know, but found out later when he said he was moving cause she was moving back to the city and didnt want to tell me before 'cause he didn't want to scare me. I genuinely liked him so didn't pry about it and never asked anymore questions about her or that situation.

 

Then I went away to visit family for 2 wks, came back, msged him. He seemed a bit distant so I asked straight up "If I invite you to things, would you be interested?" he said "Yes." there after I called once, sent a total of 4 msgs (none nagging or asking why, just random invites to parties etc) when I decided to call this one a "loss" cause he poofed.

 

What I do not understand is why after a total of 9 meetings (which to me seems like a lot) ... do you just drop off the face of the earth? If he was no longer interested I would have had no issue (honestly, I'm quite a non confrontational person) saying "Ok, cool, if that's how you feel" and let things go. But, now I'm still left wondering why? what did I do? Did I say something wrong?*

 

I know it is a blessing in disguise that I didn't get mixed up with someone who at 27 couldn't have the decency to clearly state how they felt ... but I cannot stop wondering and I'm afraid this may hinder me even more in opening up and trusting someone else in the future. I just can't seem to shake the thoughts ... and think that I'm somehow undesirable ... I sometimes feel like just throwing up to get the depressive thoughts out of my head and find some relief ...*

 

Any advice would be helpful I guess I was naïve and feel somewhat used ... The saddest part is that I probably would have slept with this guy if I'd seen him again ... I guess I should say thanks for small blessings huh?

 

Your intuition was spot on with wanting to replace emotion with emotion, hence the forehead kissing. You dodged a bullet by NOT being his rebound. I think the fact you didn't put out could of been a factor or he is in fact seeing someone else. In regards to your bed question, I have had relationships before where the woman slept over, sometimes a few times a week, yeah its my bed. I know its upsetting to know your laying in the same bed another women did, but what should I have done ? Get a new bed for each woman I have dated ?

[taser4u]

Oh I understand that you won't change beds for each partner, that seems silly and I wouldn't either. But I later found out some of her stuff was still there etc. And I had no clue. It just seemed all seedy and somewhat dishonest to me. I'm not saying he has to tell everyone who's layed there but when you're pursuing someone I feel honesty is necessary, especially when I asked "who else lived here?" Also, He was the one who brought up becoming a couple ... Mentioning "you know we're gonna become a couple, you're so genuine" ... At the time I was skeptical ... But I put that down to my anlytical nature which tends to not easily belive people. Now looking back I guess I should have trusted my intuition. *sigh*

[AlexCross]

Oh I understand that you won't change beds for each partner, that seems silly and I wouldn't either. But I later found out some of her stuff was still there etc. And I had no clue. It just seemed all seedy and somewhat dishonest to me. I'm not saying he has to tell everyone who's layed there but when you're pursuing someone I feel honesty is necessary, especially when I asked "who else lived here?" Also, He was the one who brought up becoming a couple ... Mentioning "you know we're gonna become a couple, you're so genuine" ... At the time I was skeptical ... But I put that down to my anlytical nature which tends to not easily belive people. Now looking back I guess I should have trusted my intuition. *sigh*

 

Always trust your intuition. You did the right thing. When I was 23, I am now 34, I had a problem with my the whole bed situation with my girlfriend at the time, she had her own place, I look back at and see how silly it was, I was just a lil jealous. But you dodged a bullet, you should feel better knowing that you have the forsite to see something appears shady. Those are very good qualities.

[taser4u]

I just wish I had known about the ex before I went aways so that all the puzzle pieces would have fit then. I literally had an "aha" moment when he said he was moving. I think I may go see a free counsellor ... Which may seem dramatic ... But just to talk it over and make sure I feel better about this. It shouldn't be bothering me so much (I know) but it is ... Mostly because this was one of the first people I seriously considered and this feels like a huge brick has been dropped on my toe (if you get what I mean lol). I'm already a tad shy and don't want this to create any more of a block in my interactions ...

 

Anyway, thanks for the words and encouragement!