MammaMia Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Since Dday, has your behavior changed towards your spouse? Regardless of whether you are in R, separated or divorced, after dday, how did your behavior towards your spouse change?
BetrayedH Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 My W filed for D after a disastrously failed attempt at reconciling from her affair. Someone shared with me that over time you treat them like you would a coworker that you just can't stand. You say please and thank you even though you don't mean it. Otherwise you deal with them as little as possible and sure as hell don't leave yourself vulnerable to their machinations. I also don't remotely put up with bull**** anymore. I call it out immediately for what it is and I make clear what my actions will be in response. I used to defer to her judgment and just about anything she wanted in life. I wanted her to be happy and having a happy wife is what made me happy. Now I don't trust her judgment in the slightest and I focus my efforts on trying to make sure my kids are happy. As for my happiness, it'll come when she goes to that special place in hell she's reserved for herself. Someday I'm sure my happiness will be based on something more healthy and I won't feel so vengeful but she's still actively trying to get more than 50/50 custody and THAT has me actively ****ing pissed off after what she's done to this family already. To answer your question, I don't put up with sh|t. 2
GLDheart Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 After my ex's first affair, I no longer just "blindly" trusted her anymore. If something was out of place or a little off before, I would shrug it off. After, I would sure as hell pin down exactly what was off or weird. I was no longer going to shrug off anything. I think that is why when her second EA started up I spoke up immediately. I told her friendships are ok... even with guys... speak to anyone you want IN FRONT OF ME. But ANY hiding or liying was WAY beyond my boundary. I gave her one shot. I caught her lying about it again 6 months later and there was no discussion. Our time together was over. I asked her to leave. I've been No Contact since that day. The big change in me is resolve. The resolve to take immediate and drastic action. 4
losingmyground Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Yes my behaviors have changed. I not only watch for changes in his behavior, but changes in mine as well. I speak up more and sleep less. I love more but verify that all is well. His behavior has changed too. He speaks up, shows remorse, is honest about his feelings and the sex is so much better.
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 At this point I barely talk to her. I'm extremely careful about EVERYTHING she says because she has proven over and over again to be a liar who breaks every promise she makes. (is my anger showing? )
GLDheart Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 At this point I barely talk to her... If it's any help, I'm about 5 months out and being single is getting fun again. Just today I had this sexy insurance broker laughing and flirting while I was adding a jet ski trailer to my policy... she started leaning over her desk all cat like while typing into her computer... let's just say it was good chemistry and I was really enjoying her company. Sorry about the T/J, I just want you to know there are some good new things about putting that old bad stuff in your past.
Radagast Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Since Dday, has your behavior changed towards your spouse? Regardless of whether you are in R, separated or divorced, after dday, how did your behavior towards your spouse change? The power dynamic shifted permanently. When I told her about the affair and my intention to leave I felt as though I had regained power over my own life. It was no longer all about what she wanted or how to keep her happy, it could be about other things and other people too, and she shrank in significance down to normal size, and over time smaller and smaller until now she hardly even features in my head space at all. My behaviour shifted immediately. I became more assertive, did not simply give in to whatever she demanded, did not feel the emotions she demanded I feel, did not walk on eggs around her responses or potential responses. I just got on with my own life. I see her for what she is quite clearly now. I feel no need to explain or apologise for her behaviour when others question it, I simply shrug and say that's how she is and how she's always been, and silently thank my lucky stars that it is no longer my problem. 1
GLDheart Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 The power dynamic shifted permanently. When I told her about the affair and my intention to leave I felt as though I had regained power over my own life. It was no longer all about what she wanted or how to keep her happy, it could be about other things and other people too, and she shrank in significance down to normal size, and over time smaller and smaller until now she hardly even features in my head space at all. My behaviour shifted immediately. I became more assertive, did not simply give in to whatever she demanded, did not feel the emotions she demanded I feel, did not walk on eggs around her responses or potential responses. I just got on with my own life. I see her for what she is quite clearly now. I feel no need to explain or apologise for her behaviour when others question it, I simply shrug and say that's how she is and how she's always been, and silently thank my lucky stars that it is no longer my problem. Radagast, What I read from this is that, you had an unhealthy relationship where she had too much power and too much control over you... You then revolted against her in a very hurtful way. Your act of infidelity was about power and control. Almost the way prison rape is less about sex and more about dominance. In the end now SHE walks on the eggshells in your relationship and the power dynamic has shifted 180 degrees in the opposite. Or put another way, it's JUST AS UNHEALTHY of a relationship but for her this time and not you.
nofool4u Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Since Dday, has your behavior changed towards your spouse? Regardless of whether you are in R, separated or divorced, after dday, how did your behavior towards your spouse change? She became a skank to me at that point. Ended up divorcing her.
Radagast Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Radagast, What I read from this is that, you had an unhealthy relationship where she had too much power and too much control over you... You then revolted against her in a very hurtful way. Your act of infidelity was about power and control. Almost the way prison rape is less about sex and more about dominance. In the end now SHE walks on the eggshells in your relationship and the power dynamic has shifted 180 degrees in the opposite. Or put another way, it's JUST AS UNHEALTHY of a relationship but for her this time and not you. We are no longer together and no longer have any relationship, so there are no longer any eggshells to walk on. But your analysis of my "revolt" is very close to my counsellor's view, and I think there is a good deal of truth in that.
GLDheart Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 We are no longer together and no longer have any relationship, so there are no longer any eggshells to walk on. But your analysis of my "revolt" is very close to my counsellor's view, and I think there is a good deal of truth in that. Sounds like it's for the best then. Is it that she just hasn't moved on yet?
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