tanbark813 Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Ok, so in my years of dating I've been with some girls who were genuinely good people and I've been with some girls who embodied all that which is evil. I've had my fair share of being burned, but nothing that would land me a spot on Springer. On the one hand, the experiences have made me a little wiser, but on the other I know I've developed some trust issues. My current gf of ~5 months has been great so far. There are some things that have happened here and there that I haven't liked, but nobody's perfect. I also know that I've given her a harder time than she really deserves because of being betrayed in the past. I never wanted to be one of those people whose past baggage effects relationships down the road, but I realize that I am now. I'm trying to be more trusting, and my gf has been very patient, but I still mess up here and there. I know you're supposed to trust someone until they give you a reason not to, but HOW do you do that? There will be times when she'll say or do something that turns on my suspicion and I get into this "detective mode", for lack of a better term. Even at the time I know I should chill out, but it's hard to turn that off once it starts. I know if I keep it up she'll get fed up with it in the long run and I know I need to chill. However, I don't want to end up just blindly walking into something I should have seen coming and turn into some pu$$y-whipped doormat. So to those of you who have been burned and developed trust issues: How did you get over them and not let them get the better of you?
SoleMate Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 I know you're supposed to trust someone until they give you a reason not to.. You are??? Says who??? Seems foolhardy to me. My approach is that every new person starts out at NEUTRAL - neither trusted nor distrusted, neither liked nor disliked. Just neutral. When they do things that build trust, like being predictable, living up to their word, being consistent, my trust increases. Likewise, when their stories don't add up or their behavior is objectionable, my trust decreases. In this model, trust is not a YES or NO - it is more like a temperature reading. Hot, warm, cool, icy cold. Also...trust is a FEELING, very similar to love. It cannot be forced - you cannot decide to trust someone. You CAN decide to ACT as IF you trusted someone - but don't confuse that with actual trust. You may be having trouble because you have tried to force yourself to trust before it is fully earned. She needs to earn your trust over time. If you jump into bed and start swearing undying love on the second date, you may feeli like you "should" trust, and yet you really haven't built that foundation.
faux Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Agreed. Trust is not automatic; it is something which must be earned over time. Every individual differs, and the amount of time that it takes you to trust someone is entirely up to you.
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