Can I ask wives who stayed: why?

[Mount]

So many "you don't understand....", but I/and other viewers don't understand why you keep obsessing your XMM so much. There has nothing left between you and him, you two are strangers now, his life you don't need to understand.

 

You keep asking questions by going circles....which you are never going out of these circles.

 

 

First of all my husband hasn't ever cheated on me to my knowledge. Sorry for any confusion. I wouldn't stay with him if he did which why I dot understand why she stays.

 

Also, yes I think career should be kept separate. How could he want me and my family to be destitute? Also he wouldn't want me to blacken his name and I haven't done so.

 

As for his vs her behavior - he says he told their family friends in the profession, but I don't know who actually told them. It could have been her or it could have been him at her insistence, or both. I hold her responsible for the vindictiveness and him responsible for not restraining her and protecting me from that, I think he owes me that.

 

I think it's immature to mix career with personal issues. She should be more mature. He should too. I can't really report him because t would destroy my professional reputation. I haven't got a publication yet and they would all discount my dissertation and say he did more work on it. Especially as I was very effusive in my gratitude in the acknowledgements.

 

I think he should do mediation or even counselling with me about resolving these issues but he wont. And I can't make him be side I'm no longer his student and don't work at the same institution. Legally I suspect he can be an ******* to me or to anyone from a different school. It's just unprofessional and immature as a way to end a relationship.

 

I don't know why they are both so scared to see me. Like they think I'll break their marriage with a look!

[PhoenixRise]

 

As for his vs her behavior - he says he told their family friends in the profession, but I don't know who actually told them. It could have been her or it could have been him at her insistence, or both. I hold her responsible for the vindictiveness and him responsible for not restraining her and protecting me from that, I think he owes me that.

 

I think it's immature to mix career with personal issues. She should be more mature. He should too. I can't really report him because t would destroy my professional reputation. I haven't got a publication yet and they would all discount my dissertation and say he did more work on it. Especially as I was very effusive in my gratitude in the acknowledgements.

 

I think he should do mediation or even counselling with me about resolving these issues but he wont. And I can't make him be side I'm no longer his student and don't work at the same institution. Legally I suspect he can be an ******* to me or to anyone from a different school. It's just unprofessional and immature as a way to end a relationship.

 

I don't know why they are both so scared to see me. Like they think I'll break their marriage with a look!

 

This is what I thought.

 

You don't work with him. He is not affecting your actual job where you work. He is just not helping you get a job where HE works.

 

He is under no obligation to including you in meetings at his school where he works and you not being included doesn't affect your job where you currently work. You just feel entitled to be there.

 

MM is not breaking any professional or ethical rules by not having you there.

 

Instead of focusing on being excluded in the meetings that you actually have no inherent "right" to attend maybe you should focus on getting published. Won't you getting published be a bigger factor in helping your career than these meetings.

 

You really just want to be at the meetings because you know he will be there. It is not about your career. You career is still in your own hands.

[woinlove]

How does an associate professor have the power to exclude someone from professional events?

 

I hope ML will clarify, but I suspect these are informal by-invitation meetings/events that the xOM arranges.

[William]

Reading the last page, I'm seeing drift from 'wives who stayed:why'? No action but I'll put this thread at stage one and advise members to remain on-topic. The thread starter poses an excellent question. Address it. If the thread starter wishes input on her job dynamic, she's directed to start a thread on that and I'll merge topical posts from here into that thread. Thank you.

[MourningLosses]

Thank you everyone for your input. I guess for some the love can survive betrayal. I don't understand but I see that's what youre saying.

 

I won't start another thread on our job. If William will permit me one clarification the way academia works is that the life blood is intellectual sharing. In a city with 2 main universities and a couple of minor colleges, the discussion groups, seminar series and visiting speakers at te bigger university are essential. He is a senior professor and in a small field he controls the mailing list and invitations as well as he can influence others. It wasn't supposed to be about what he was excluding from, but it's not like I can complain to the dean at my workplace or his. Unless I report him for past behavior when I was a student.

 

I thank you for your input. F anyone has any other reasons for staying I would like to hear them.

[mercy]

Thank you everyone for your input. I guess for some the love can survive betrayal. I don't understand but I see that's what youre saying.

 

I won't start another thread on our job. If William will permit me one clarification the way academia works is that the life blood is intellectual sharing. In a city with 2 main universities and a couple of minor colleges, the discussion groups, seminar series and visiting speakers at te bigger university are essential. He is a senior professor and in a small field he controls the mailing list and invitations as well as he can influence others. It wasn't supposed to be about what he was excluding from, but it's not like I can complain to the dean at my workplace or his. Unless I report him for past behavior when I was a student.

 

I thank you for your input. F anyone has any other reasons for staying I would like to hear them.

 

It's why we as adults have to ask ourselves can I live with the consequences of what I'm about to do.

 

I myself use my daughter, could I live with my daughter knowing what I'm about to do.

 

You are having difficulty living with your choices and accepting the consequences. Some you don't want to but live with - you'll have to. Like it or not.

 

You need help sorting through your issues. As many have said before me, seek help.

 

Before h's affair I told him I wanted a divorce. I thought I wanted to be free. When the OW called me and told me in the cruelest way she could, I looked him in the eyes and just knew I was wrong all along. I was going to forgive this man and not only that. I couldn't believe how much I loved him. All in a matter of seconds while the other woman was still talking.

[MourningLosses]

And Mercy are you sure that wasn't just competitiveness? You had the freedom to leave but you suddenly wanted him if that choice was being taken from you?

 

I wonder if the same is true for her. He told me she talked about leaving and he feared being alone. We were already in love then but she didn't know. But when she found out she suddenly wanted him, which is strange to me. But thank you for sharing.

[mercy]

And Mercy are you sure that wasn't just competitiveness? You had the freedom to leave but you suddenly wanted him if that choice was being taken from you?

 

I wonder if the same is true for her. He told me she talked about leaving and he feared being alone. We were already in love then but she didn't know. But when she found out she suddenly wanted him, which is strange to me. But thank you for sharing.

 

He had already ended it with her. She warned him if he did she would call me. He couldn't live with the guilt of what he had done.

 

Honestly she was a non issue. In my eyes. It was between him and me.

 

He was hurt by me asking for a divorce. Then he got angr,y then he had an affair. It really could have been any woman, she was the first to hit on him when she heard I wanted a divorce. The way he saw it she knew what the affair was about but when her h found out and threw her out she wanted h to leave, he told her no.

 

Our stories are the same in the sense MourningLosses is she didn't back off. She ended up losing everything. I just don't want that to happen to you. He's not worth it. If you keep going like you are she'll call your h. If you push going to these seminars, you'll lose a lot more than her. Please stop. And get some help. It's the same thing I told the OW, she didn't. She pushed me too far and though it's not in my nature I pushed back and I pushed hard. She lost her h, her kids and her job. I pity her.

 

Leave them alone. Quit thinking about them obsessing about them. You gotta somehow learn to let go. I understand you don't want your job affected but this is the price you have to pay. I'm sorry but it is what it is.

Edited August 19, 2012 by mercy

[waterwoman]

WHy? Because I love him and he loves me. Because we have been together more than half our lives and have oceans of shared history and memories. Because we still enjoy being together and make each other laugh. Because the recent problems in our marriage and his affair took up about a year and we;'ve been happy for much longer than that. He ended it willingly and quickly when I found out.

 

I hope all will be well. I can't guarantee it but I am optimistic. But I wanted it to be a joint decision - after calm and considered discussion rather than me kicking him out in the heat of the moment.