Can I ask wives who stayed: why?

[stillafool]

I don't mean to be disrespectful. I am very sorry that loving my friend hurt his wife. I wish it could be otherwise.

 

But I don't understand why she stayed.

 

When she found out she went hysterical and threatened to kill herself, begged him to stay. She didn't give me any importantce, it must have just been sex she thought. Actually we never had full sex, but loved each other.

 

I'm sure she can't know the full story though he said she does. If she knew he was out with me then slept with her when he came home wouldn't that disgust her? It disgusted me. I felt betrayed, how much more must she feel that? If she knew he told me intimate things about her, and that she was fat and unattractive ( though he was ashamed for saying itbstraight away and tried to take it back).

 

Anyway, she found out or was told that we continued after he promised it was over.

 

No matter what he told her I can't imagine getting over the fact he loved someone else that deeply. To me it seems her reasons for staying must be just lack of self esteem.

 

When she first found out she was in shock and unemployed with a 10 week old baby so I can see why she didn't just throw him out. But now she has a goodnjob and the youngest child is over 2. I can't understand how she could forgive him without basically giving up her self esteem.

 

Can you give me any way to understand? How could a wife stay with a man who had a true loving relationship with anorher woman for a year starting when she was pregnant? Sometimes I wonder if I should tell her the truth I'm sure he hasn't told her.

 

What am I not understanding? I'm married and I would never beg my husband to stay of he did anything close to that.

 

She probably is very much in love with her husband and will do anything to keep her marriage in place. They probably have good sex or sex that she enjoys. Not to mention the kids love him too so don't bank on her letting him go.

 

You on the other hand hate being married to your husband. Why do you stay instead of filing for divorce?

[stillafool]

I don't get it.

 

If he clearly doesn't love this "fat and ugly" wife of his so much, why does he keep spitting kids out with her?

 

 

 

:lmao::lmao:I know! It's as if he can't keep his hands off of her! No wonder she won't let him go.

[stillafool]

Ok I get it, I'm the other woman so it's all my fault and betrayed wives hate me for not believing he really stopped loving me.

 

But I just want to know for you- and maybe some of it will help me understand what happened to me- how could you forgive? How could you get past him loving someone else? How is that not a sign of no self esteem? And ultimately that's not that attractive right?

 

Am I missing something? Is there some way a wife could stay other than lack of self esteem? Wouldn't most women decide to repartner if they were betrayed like that?

 

To find the answer to the above questions, just ask yourself. Didn't your husband cheat on you? As a BS why are you still with him? Maybe you could take your answers and apply them to her situation.

[Afishwithabike]

ML - I'm neither an OW or a WS and to the best of knowledge not a BS either. I'm putting it out there so you don't think I'm some bitter BS of fBS.

 

I haven't read all your posts, but most of them. It looks to me like for a while this man was happy to be getting what you were freely putting out there. Happy to have you hanging on his every word, complimenting him, fawning over him, lavishing him with attention, but he was never committed to you and didn't intend to be committed to you despite whatever you may have thought. You stroked his ego so he stroked yours. Tit for tat. He might have said nice things to you because it was the chivalrous thing to do. But when a decision had to be made between his wife or you, he dropped you like a jar of anthrax.

 

If he truly loved you, wild horses couldn't have kept him away from you.

You're not the woman he built a life with. You're not the woman he married as a young man. You're not the mother of his children. You're not one with whom he shared so much of himself. You're not a commitment for him. You were merely an option. Someone he used temporarily for a spell to feel better about himself. You probably saw him as a successful man, kind and caring to his family, a loving and involved father. The irony is the moment you started an affair with him, that man disappeared. You never had him. You never had the man you attempted to steal simply because of your existence in his personal life. Now when you're stripped from his life, the good man that was there has returned and THAT is what the wife sees and has. She sees the loving, kind professionally successful man back.

 

You don't know what it's like to be loved by him. She does. You may have won a few battles along the way but she won the war. Accept your loss graciously and move on.

[losingmyground]

MourningLosses -

I am a recent BW. I will tell you this...we have 13 yrs of marriage and 3 wonderful kids together. If this had happened before the kids, I would have left in a heart beat. I am staying because of the kids and our history. In no way do I suffer from low self esteem. Of course I was knocked down for the first month after I found out, but it did not last long. What I am giving my FWH is a wonderful gift that is his to keep or destroy. I did hand him my wedding ring as soon as I found out. He picked me....NOT HER!!! She was simply a distraction from the mundane daily life of raising three kids and maintaining a household. I whole heartedly take 50% ownership of the quality of marriage that lead to his choice. But guess what, it opened my eyes to what I had become. No longer does he get left over energy, he gets the whole me. My heart, mind and body.

 

As for the last kid born, she was conceived and born during the affair. The baby is a blessing from my father, whos ashes were spread the day we conceived. While it crossed my mind that he could care less about the baby, he states she (the baby not OW) brought us closer together.

 

As for you...work on yourself. Gather some self-respect. You were nothing but a piece of meat. If it was not you, then it would have been another woman who would give the excess attention. You seem to be an ugly person from the inside. And believe me when I say that people can see through a beautiful person to the monster that lurks inside. While a beautiful personality can cover the short comings of our looks.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Staying with someone who betrayed you is not a sign of weakness. It can be a sign of someone who meant their vows and who is about keeping family together. Maybe it's a sign of someone who is strong enough to rise above all the crap and love their spouse unconditionally. It takes incredible strength to maintain those things when a spouse is betrayed by infidelity.

 

People do have their limits though and I reached mine.

 

You said you'd never ask your BH to stay? Then I hope he doesn't since you don't seem to care on way or another.

[icDude]

He was ambivalent about the last one, the one on the way when we fell in love. Basically he thought that's what she wanted.

 

Yeah, I don't buy that. I am in a similar boat. My wife just had a baby 6 months ago, but now she is knee deep in an affair with an ex boyfriend. She wanted to have the baby. Emotions don't make sense. You can't reason with them.

[goodthingscome]

You are in the teaching profession - a profession that grooms young minds. Don't you think you are a leader in a sense?

 

ML is a teacher? OMG!!! That's a very scary thought. I wouldn't want anyone with her character near my child.

[MourningLosses]

An Assistant Professor to graduate students... Whoah the harm to young minds studying their unrelated subject matter. I don't know how they bear the moral complexity.

[frozensprouts]

The reason I stayed is simple...I love him, and felt that he loves me. I gave him the option to leave...told him that if he wanted to go I wouldn't stand in his way if that's what made him happy. He didn't go.

 

It has often been pointed out that "the other man/woman" is not capable of seducing someone who doesn't want to be seduced. The married person enters into an affair of their own free will because they want to. If that is true ( which I believe it is), then so is the opposite. A wayward spouse makes the choice to stay married because they want to.He wasn't forced or "guilted" into it...he made the choice of his own free will....as did I.

 

I made my choice to stay knowing that I could do just fine on my own, even if that meant being a single mother to three kids.

 

OP, instead of seeing his wife as your enemy, why not see yourselves as two sides of the same coin. This guy treated both of you pretty shabbily, and instead of placing the blame for that on his wife, why not place it where it truly belongs?

[GorillaTheater]

An Assistant Professor to graduate students... Whoah the harm to young minds studying their unrelated subject matter. I don't know how they bear the moral complexity.

 

An Assistant professor? So he presumably is on tenure-track but it hasn't been awarded yet?

 

No wonder this guy ran like the wind.

[beach]

I highly doubt he will attempt to make you look bad - they will need his reasons and just cause! He's not likely to be honest with them - that's a given.

 

Maybe next time you'll BOTH realize there's always consequences to bad behavior - in YOUR case you've now compromised YOUR peace of mind.

[MourningLosses]

He has tenure already. He has told 2 other professors about our affair. They are women and friends of his wife. That's what I mean by blackening my name. There was no need to do that except to stop me getting a job there one day. He once promised me he would never let his wife do that. He threatened her that if she did it was all over between them.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I know you are hurting and that it's hard to acept, but I will repeat one more time...he is telling people of his own free will ( you state that he told two female professors already), and he is telling them nothing but the truth. I know the truth hurts, but if you're smart, you'll let the gossip, etc. die down...

 

One more piece of advice, and I mean this in the nicest possible way...

 

you need to to stop obsessing over him and his wife and what they are saying/doing. You need to find a way to do this now, as if you don't, and if you keep pushing his wife you may well find that her patience wears very thin. If you keep pushing her ( trying to contact her husband...please remember- he was her husband before he was your friend/collegue, and he has clearly shown you where his allgeience lies) you may well find that when her patience with your behavior has reached it's end and she fully reacts, you maybe facing some very,very, very negative consequences ( restraining order, harassment charges or other legal charges), which will hurt your career much more than a bit of gossip ever could. The sooner you accept that the relationship is over, the better off you will be.

Get some counseling, take a vacation, focus on repairing/ending your own marriage, do whatever it takes to shift your focus from him and his marraige...there is no hope for you there, and by continuing to hols onto hope, you are continuing to hold on to pain in your life...why do that to yourself?

[woinlove]

abelincoln, I think this is getting off-topic, but I don't understand your reasoning. It was his affair too, so he can tell who he wants to about his own affair. Why not? I tell people I am married and to whom. When I was single, I told some colleagues I had a boyfriend and who he was. What's wrong with that?

[beenburned]

I'm guessing he is a serial cheater that boasts to others about his conquests. This is one of the professions that have a higher than normal rate of infidelity.

 

abe,

 

The story CALOVELY told you about is absolutely true! The OW shot the BW, fully intending to kill her. It is no laughing matter when the AP's turn violent in order to get what they want.

 

There has been another killing, by a MM, just recently in my area. He waited until the father dropped off his young son at day care, then shot him to death in the parking lot.

 

He has been sentenced to life in prison.

 

The wife of the victim is now on trial for her participation in the planning of the killing. They have already proven she was in a long term affair with the MM.(both worked for a major US corp. and used company expense accts. to pay for their activities)

 

The MM's wife divorced him immediately after she found out about the affair!

I think they had 3 children.

[PhoenixRise]

1. You don't really know if he's being completely "truthful." Most likely, he's not.

 

2. Even if he's completely truthful, that doesn't give him the right to disclose personal issues in a professional environment without the OP's consent, which she didn't provide. Just as if he knew truthful information about her medical history, he doesn't have the right to disclose it just because it's the truth.

 

 

The OP reported in her other posts that she was the one who pursued this MM HARD.

 

The OP stated that she and this MM have never actually had sex, but that she deliberately tried to get him to physically go far enough that his wife would have to kick him out.

 

 

The OP stated that when MM stopped communicating with her she started contacting everyone she could think of (including his family members ) to try to re-establish contact.

 

I don't think this MM is going out of his way to destroy her career (that she doesn't have yet because she doesn't work there yet she just wants to) I think based on her own obsessive behavior this man is just trying to stay as far away from her as he can and so if he is not REQUIRED to have her included in things, he doesn't.

 

According to the OP, the women he talked to are also friends of his wife.

 

Now I am not saying the MM in this case is a victim, he clearly crossed some pretty serious lines here. But if I were the wife in this situation and a woman my husband comes in contact due to his job did the things the OP has reported herself that she did, and I had friends at that job you can bet your bottom dollar I would tell them about the situation myself to get their assessment and support. These people are not just colleges, they are apparently friends of the family. Its not so unusual MM and his wife would talk to them.

 

I think what is disturbing here is that in all her postings, the OP has never accepted even the slightest bit of responsibility for ANYTHING.

 

Not for taking a risk that could negatively impact her future career.

Not for cheating on her own husband.

Not for the consequences she is facing for going off the rails and continuing to try to contact him after he made it clear he didn't want anything else to do with her.

 

I think whatever actions the MM and wife are taking now, are a reaction to the OP's obsessive behavior.

 

AND I wonder now, if she actually targeted this MM because she thought it would HELP her career.

[stillafool]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

 

The thing is he didn't love you that deeply or he would be trying his hardest to be with you and he isn't. Face it, he loves his wife and the thought of losing her has made him stay. She is not putting a gun to his head. He wants her and doesn't want you.

 

Isn't your husband a cheater? Why do you stay? Your answer to that question should shed some light on why BS stays with her husband.

 

You are a cheater and your husband stays but he doesn't know the truth about you. Why don't you tell him the truth about what you are and if he stays with you ask him why. This also will help you answer your question.

 

His wife does not have low self esteem, she is a married woman, in love with her husband and kids with a forgiving heart and I imagine that is only one thing out of thousands of reasons why he loves her and is staying put.

[PhoenixRise]

He doesn't have any right, in his professional capacity, to arbitrarily act to hurt her career just because she's obsessed with him (if that's true), and he doesn't want to deal with that fallout for obvious reasons. Personally, he can do whatever he wants that the law permits. But professionally, no, I'm afraid he can't work out his personal dispute with her in a manner which causes her professional harm, unless the method is above board and fair. Gossiping to other professionals behind her back rather than going through proper channels and authorities isn't playing fair.

 

There's no crime in being obsessed by someone or something. She is talking about professional meetings that she would be fully entitled to attend and the only reason she isn't being invited is because of her prior relationship with this man. His desire to "avoid" her because of their personal history together provides no justification for denying her access to these meetings.

 

If he believes her only reason to attend would be to harass him, then that needs to be reported by him to the proper authorities, and documented in writing. The standard response by the institution would be to send such an individual a cease and desist letter or notification that they are no longer welcome on the premises and will be charged with trespassing if they don't stay away.

 

But not gossiping among professional colleagues. That's never the "right" answer in these kinds of situations.

 

 

 

Then ML has choices.

 

She can continue to whine and obsess about this man, his wife, who they are talking to, and what it is doing to her potential, future career.

 

OR

 

She can, if she feels that she has a legitimate complaint against him, report HIM to human resources. She can tell HR that she had an inappropriate relationship with MM and as a result she is being harmed by him in his professional capacity. Then he will face whatever fallout that comes from that.

 

I suspect, in light of all that ML has stated about her own actions, the reason she doesn't do this is because MM has info/proof that would make HER look bad.

 

But if her complaint is legitimate she should report it. MM is getting what he wants by excluding her (her away from him and his family). Frankly I don't think it is a matter of MM JUST being uncomfortable. IF she feels he is in the wrong and her future, potential career is so important to her she should take whatever legal steps are available to her. She is the one complaining, she should be the one to take steps to fix the situation.

 

But since she has also stated that she believes that if she could just look in his eyes she would see that he still loves her, I think just wants to use the meetings to be close to him in hopes he will come back to her.

 

If she has a right and a need to be in those meetings as a function of her job and he is denying her access and all she cares about is the impact to her job, she can report it. But reporting it won't help her if what she really wants is to gaze into his eyes.

 

AND MM can talk to his friends about his personal life if he chooses. ML should have considered that fact before she got involved in his personal life.

[woinlove]

 

To the other poster who made the comparison about talking with work colleagues about her bf, two points: One, if it's OK with your boyfriend, it's OK with me if you want to talk about your private relationship with your work colleagues. Two, if talking about your relationship with your boyfriend might somehow have negative repercussions on his career (which isn't something you alluded to), then NO, you should not be talking about it with your colleagues or with his colleagues, UNLESS you have his express permission. This goes double, triple and quadruple in the OP's situation.

 

Maybe it is not okay with you, but my boyfriend put up with it, even if it wasn't his preference -- since, one of the "boyfriends" I talked about back them was MM. No, I didn't have his permission and I didn't ask for it. I made it clear that I don't do the secrecy, sneaking around stuff, so he didn't expect it from me. He could have ended the A if he didn't like it. If someone thought being my boyfriend was going to mess with their career, then they probably should not have been my boyfriend, because I don't do the hiding stuff. I've never felt one has to hide and lie just because someone wants us to.

[PhoenixRise]

The OP who is objecting to two friends of the family who MM talked to about the situation is also the OP who, in her efforts to re-establish contact with MM, talked to everyone she could think of (including writing letters to his family members) when MM went NC.

[Spark1111]

He doesn't have any right, in his professional capacity, to arbitrarily act to hurt her career just because she's obsessed with him (if that's true), and he doesn't want to deal with that fallout for obvious reasons. Personally, he can do whatever he wants that the law permits. But professionally, no, I'm afraid he can't work out his personal dispute with her in a manner which causes her professional harm, unless the method is above board and fair. Gossiping to other professionals behind her back rather than going through proper channels and authorities isn't playing fair.

 

There's no crime in being obsessed by someone or something. She is talking about professional meetings that she would be fully entitled to attend and the only reason she isn't being invited is because of her prior relationship with this man. His desire to "avoid" her because of their personal history together provides no justification for denying her access to these meetings.

 

If he believes her only reason to attend would be to harass him, then that needs to be reported by him to the proper authorities, and documented in writing. The standard response by the institution would be to send such an individual a cease and desist letter or notification that they are no longer welcome on the premises and will be charged with trespassing if they don't stay away.

 

But not gossiping among professional colleagues. That's never the "right" answer in these kinds of situations.

 

But his wife can. She doesn't work there and is not bound by any ethical or corporate rules.

 

If she considers these two colleagues her personal friends, she can tell them whatever she wants to.

[woinlove]

Mourningloss, you started this thread searching for answers about why xOM's wife might have chosen to stay married, but your latest posts are about xOM's behavior, and in particular, about his telling colleagues who are friends of his W (and presumably of his?). If you want to discuss xOM's behavior, or issues related to who knows what, or to your career, it might be useful to start a new thread, both in order to make it easier for posters to know what is on-topic and also to get more relevant advice and input to your situation. Clearly there is lots to discuss about whom one confides in, as well as why people choose to stay married after a betrayal.

Edited August 18, 2012 by woinlove

[MourningLosses]

First of all my husband hasn't ever cheated on me to my knowledge. Sorry for any confusion. I wouldn't stay with him if he did which why I dot understand why she stays.

 

Also, yes I think career should be kept separate. How could he want me and my family to be destitute? Also he wouldn't want me to blacken his name and I haven't done so.

 

As for his vs her behavior - he says he told their family friends in the profession, but I don't know who actually told them. It could have been her or it could have been him at her insistence, or both. I hold her responsible for the vindictiveness and him responsible for not restraining her and protecting me from that, I think he owes me that.

 

I think it's immature to mix career with personal issues. She should be more mature. He should too. I can't really report him because t would destroy my professional reputation. I haven't got a publication yet and they would all discount my dissertation and say he did more work on it. Especially as I was very effusive in my gratitude in the acknowledgements.

 

I think he should do mediation or even counselling with me about resolving these issues but he wont. And I can't make him be side I'm no longer his student and don't work at the same institution. Legally I suspect he can be an ******* to me or to anyone from a different school. It's just unprofessional and immature as a way to end a relationship.

 

I don't know why they are both so scared to see me. Like they think I'll break their marriage with a look!

[2sure]

I have to say I'm confused about the fact that you can't understand the reason a woman would stay with a man who cheated...yes you stay with a man who has betrayed you, your children and tour marriage through willful disrespect and neglect.

 

I mean, each person has a point that they draw the line or reach their breaking point...who is anyone to tell another what that should be.

 

Also, in my opinion...if a marriage experiences crisis band a spouse wrongly addresses that crisis by cheating...it's horrible but if you solve the crisis and develop better communication....the marriage can thrive.

 

If a spouse completely disassociates from his wife and children and that becomes the acceptable normal...that's hopelessness for generations to one.

 

Just my opinion..but the circumstances of your own life are a good indivation that you wouldn't know a healthy relationship from an abusive one.