Can I ask wives who stayed: why?

[Later82012]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

I can see at least 6 reasons in your post as to why he went back to her.

[2sure]

One major major indication that he just wasn't that into you:

He refused to have sex with you.

 

You said that to your own H, you are simply sex on demand, so I totally get why you were hoping for something from this guy...

 

But for him, whatever you had was not what he wanted.

Certainly, you don't have to understand it...but unrequited love is nothing new, or confusing.

 

He lied to you. He lied to his wife. You believed him. She believed him. But now you know the truth and so does she.

 

She is coping, you are not.

 

Why not spend your time here and in your life doing something productive.

 

Think about some questions you might have for the coping thread.

You need to cope with this.

[alexandria35]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

Wow! Maybe his wife doesn't have a pretty face or the body of a goddess but do you think her personality is as ugly and shallow as yours?

 

Seriously not all men are shallow pigs who would choose physical attractiveness over inner beauty. I would say most men value their woman for who they are not what they look like.

 

You said she adored him and I bet she adores her children too. Maybe part of the reason she looks the way she does is because she puts her family first and gives all of her energy and time to taking care of her husband and kids. Her husband probably sees this and is thankful that he chose such a loving doting woman as his partner. You are a woman who cheated on her husband and even involved her own children in the affair. You deceive your husband and tell him lies. MM did all the same things to his wife but that likely doesn't stop him from comparing his wife's character to yours and in that regard his wife stands way above you.

 

I think you need counselling and I think you need to develop a deeper personality.

[MourningLosses]

Ok ok I get it. I am not coming back asking for more punishment here, I was looking to make sense of it. That's what I do, look for meaning.

 

I accept he's gone and I'm trying to salvage what I can and part of that was trying to understand what happened.

 

For what it worth, we were sexual without having sex. We mastubated together, he put his fingers in me and I came. I don't call it sex but it's hardly like he wasn't sexually attracted to me. We went to a hotel and it was just too much, he backed off and then so did I. We had texting of a sexual kind a lot. There was a lot of sexual talk and sexual energy. You make it sound like i made up the sexual interest.

 

Ok well I hope she can be happy. I couldn't, if I knew the truth so I guess she doesn't. I guess that's better for her if he says it meant nothing. They can make me the common enemy.

 

I just hope once again that they can avoid making me the scapegoat or thei marriage problems and not destroy my career for her comfort.

[Steen719]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

Well, I am trying to find a way to say this is a way that doesn't make it sound like I am so incredulous at your audacity, but as hard as I try, I can't. You may be younger and either think or are prettier than his wife, but I imagine your "prettyness" is skin deep. You are ugly inside. You know what? Fat can be changed; your kind of ugliness of spirit is likely to last forever. UGH

 

As far as her wanting to beat you, please, give me a break. Here is a woman with 3 children with a roving H, who by the way DID NOT CHOOSE YOU, and she is trying to keep her head above water, keep her marriage together and find a way to forgive her H and you think she is worried about beating you? Maybe, but not the kind you are referring to. The really sad thing about all of this is that she wins a cheating man who chose when she was pregnant to be so cruel. What a prize and you want her sloppy seconds and you still can't have him. Good Lord, move along and divorce your husband and find an unattached man to glom onto. Leave them alone to try to work it out unencumbered by you. Get a different life. Their life is not yours.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

Or maybe she is offering her husband the precious gift of Grace

[MourningLosses]

Alice that's very offensive. I've never suggested I want more than civility and professional meetings. I really can't see 2 professors being a risk to one another can you?

[Later82012]

Alice that's very offensive. I've never suggested I want more than civility and professional meetings. I really can't see 2 professors being a risk to one another can you?

 

Please don't go away because you don't have replies to your liking here. You are a Leader of the society and there is a lot to learn here. I am also a new member here and I see a lot of stuff here to exercise my brain with.

[MourningLosses]

The worst thing they could do to me is ruin my career. The worst thig I could do to them is ruin his. That mean route is one I've been trying to avoid and hoping he will avoid too. That is the only kind of harm ever threatened or contemplated by either party. It's bad enough to be sure but talk of restraining orders is out of line. Nowhere did I suggest anyone had any tendencies to do anything worse than I've described. I certainly don't.

 

I don't know what society I'm supposed to lead, I just want to humbly work at my job that I love.

[beach]

The worst thing they could do to me is ruin my career. The worst thig I could do to them is ruin his. That mean route is one I've been trying to avoid and hoping he will avoid too. That is the only kind of harm ever threatened or contemplated by either party. It's bad enough to be sure but talk of restraining orders is out of line. Nowhere did I suggest anyone had any tendencies to do anything worse than I've described. I certainly don't.

 

I don't know what society I'm supposed to lead, I just want to humbly work at my job that I love.

 

IF your jobs at risk - its because of YOUR actions and the way YOU participated! It's not on them!

 

You seem to have issues with owning that YOU did this to YOURSELF.

 

And your selfish and self serving nature isn't going unnoticed... YOU did this to THEIR MARRIAGE! YOU should be apologizing and changing jobs! THAT would be an amends that sets things right FOR THEM! But all your worried about is staying there!

 

There are CONSEQUENCES for bad behavior - leaving that job should be your consequence.

 

But I'm sure you won't leave - you'll stay and meddle in their M some more...

[whichwayisup]

Ok well I hope she can be happy. I couldn't, if I knew the truth so I guess she doesn't. I guess that's better for her if he says it meant nothing. They can make me the common enemy.

 

Only HE knows what it meant. At one time it did mean something but he changed his mind. Like it or not, he's allowed to do that! He loved her more than he loved you. The bonding and years together, what they've shared IS stronger than what you and him shared. That is why he was and IS able to let go and move on. Something YOU need to do, otherwise you're going to drive yourself crazy.

 

 

 

I just hope once again that they can avoid making me the scapegoat or thei marriage problems and not destroy my career for her comfort.

 

Don't blame her for this. you and him chose to have an A at the workplace. The fallout can be bad, and if it is, OWN your part in this. It's not her fault.

[Mount]

Not really WWI, after read her posts, I think she went after the MM, seduced him say love...etc because she projected everything to that poor man.

 

Only HE knows what it meant. At one time it did mean something but he changed his mind. Like it or not, he's allowed to do that! He loved her more than he loved you. The bonding and years together, what they've shared IS stronger than what you and him shared. That is why he was and IS able to let go and move on. Something YOU need to do, otherwise you're going to drive yourself crazy.

 

 

 

Don't blame her for this. you and him chose to have an A at the workplace. The fallout can be bad, and if it is, OWN your part in this. It's not her fault.

[mercy]

 

Can you give me any way to understand? How could a wife stay with a man who had a true loving relationship with anorher woman for a year starting when she was pregnant? Sometimes I wonder if I should tell her the truth I'm sure he hasn't told her.

 

What am I not understanding? I'm married and I would never beg my husband to stay of he did anything close to that.

 

You are not in a good/strong marriage right now. I wonder if you know what one is or what one looks like.

 

Did you ever adore your h? Has he ever cherished you for just being you?

 

Have you ever been betrayed by him?

 

Have you ever opened your heart and showed mercy to him? Have you ever desired mercy from him?

 

Have you ever felt the joy that reconciliation brings?

 

Have you ever been on your knees with your h and thanked God that He has gifted you with this love?

 

Why does she stay? She loves him. It really is that simple.

 

All the things you think you know about her, it's all hearsay. What you think you know about there marriage is all just guessing on your part.

 

If you aren't careful you are going to lose everything.

 

The OW involved with my h went batsh$t crazy. She lost her h, her kids, her job. And me? Well, I have a joy in me that's out of control.

[beach]

Ok ok I get it. I am not coming back asking for more punishment here, I was looking to make sense of it. That's what I do, look for meaning.

 

I accept he's gone and I'm trying to salvage what I can and part of that was trying to understand what happened.

 

For what it worth, we were sexual without having sex. We mastubated together, he put his fingers in me and I came. I don't call it sex but it's hardly like he wasn't sexually attracted to me. We went to a hotel and it was just too much, he backed off and then so did I. We had texting of a sexual kind a lot. There was a lot of sexual talk and sexual energy. You make it sound like i made up the sexual interest.

 

Ok well I hope she can be happy. I couldn't, if I knew the truth so I guess she doesn't. I guess that's better for her if he says it meant nothing. They can make me the common enemy.

 

I just hope once again that they can avoid making me the scapegoat or thei marriage problems and not destroy my career for her comfort.

 

Who paid for that hotel room? Who made the reservation?

 

I'm also sure shed be a lot happier if YOU'D quit giving HER husband so much thought and energy!!!

 

They can't MAKE you the scapegoat - you did that to YOURSELF when you crossed that boundary you had no business crossing. Now get back on your own side and leave him alone!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh, lordy. Stop the bleeding. Somebody needs to report you to your superiors at work so you are out of there, and the poor family you are stalking and victimizing needs to contact your husband asap.

[Mount]

Why knowing the answer, but still asked?

 

And ML, pls spare the us those #$% details....

 

 

Who paid for that hotel room? Who made the reservation?

 

I'm also sure shed be a lot happier if YOU'D quit giving HER husband so much thought and energy!!!

 

They can't MAKE you the scapegoat - you did that to YOURSELF when you crossed that boundary you had no business crossing. Now get back on your own side and leave him alone!

[jade4071]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

Single moms are a hard sell? You know, the only single moms I know who remain single are those who have chosen to. I seriously have never known one single/divorced mom who had a problem finding another person to fall in love with, remarry, etc - myself included - if that's what they wanted to do.

 

Your image of MM's wife as insecure and weak may very well be your projection. In any case, why do you care? Why do you have to put down the BS by referring to her as fat and ugly? Does it make you feel better to say so? You might be pretty(?) but your personality and character is shining through loud and clear:rolleyes:. Are you the judge and jury on who is and isn't good enough to find another partner? Your insecurities about yourself are very evident in your words here.

 

It's not your business if she chooses to overlook something huge. You overlooked "something huge" by engaging in an affair with a married man.....maybe you should spend your time analyzing that instead.

 

Stating that BS felt secure in her marriage despite her looks and referring to that as precious sounds incredibly condescending. Good lord....clinging to the wreckage? If her marriage ended, how do you know she would be alone forever and even if she were, perhaps it would be her choice and have zero to do with any previous relationship. I've been married twice and honestly, if my current marriage were to end I'm not so sure I'd even want to date, much less ever remarry. I love my husband but relationships are a lot of work. Not sure I would ever be interested in going down that path again.

 

I can understand curiosity but I think you're wasting your time and energy concerning yourself with these matters. IMHO I think that time/energy would be better spent looking into why you seem to have little to no empathy for others, the BS in this case, and why you need to put down other people. Additionally, looks don't last.....something to keep in mind.

[CALOVELY]

Alice that's very offensive. I've never suggested I want more than civility and professional meetings. I really can't see 2 professors being a risk to one another can you?

 

A NASA astronaut with a PhD in Astro Physics drove from Houston to Fort Lauderdale wearing a diaper so she could skip bathroom breaks in an effort to get to Florida faster and kill her love rival. Profession has nothing to do with smart decision making.

[MourningLosses]

He was ambivalent about the last one, the one on the way when we fell in love. Basically he thought that's what she wanted.

[Spark1111]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

This has to be one of the most insecure and shallow statements I have ever read.

 

If a cheater chooses someone younger and prettier to cheat with, well, that speaks to his OWN ego issues.

 

That is not always the case and to think it is just boggles the mind.

 

Are we in junior high school here?

 

If she felt secure despite her looks (ha!) she sounds very confident to me.

 

And you sound extremely unconfident, jealous and competitive with her, a married mother of three children who seems to adore her husband despite his betrayal of her.

[Later82012]

The worst thing they could do to me is ruin my career. The worst thig I could do to them is ruin his. That mean route is one I've been trying to avoid and hoping he will avoid too. That is the only kind of harm ever threatened or contemplated by either party. It's bad enough to be sure but talk of restraining orders is out of line. Nowhere did I suggest anyone had any tendencies to do anything worse than I've described. I certainly don't.

 

I don't know what society I'm supposed to lead, I just want to humbly work at my job that I love.

 

You are in the teaching profession - a profession that grooms young minds. Don't you think you are a leader in a sense?

[PhoenixRise]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

 

ML

 

I think it is safe to say that your perceptions don't = reality.

 

The wife has her own thoughts, feelings, beliefs about what has happened/ is happening in her life. AND guess what....her thoughts feelings and beliefs have a whole lot more validity to her than yours do.

 

You think you share some special kind of love with her husband...she sees it differently.

 

You tried your best (according to your other posts) to get him to commit a huge enough physical betrayal that she would feel the need to kick him out. She probably sees you as a manipulative woman who swooped in when she was pregnant and distracted to try steal her husband. She likely discounts the reality of any emotions built on such a manipulative foundation so she doesn't take your "love" seriously or see it as a threat.

 

AND on top of this, when her husband tells her he didn't have sex with you he is telling the truth.

 

You think she is insecure because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I don't know why anyone would take YOUR word for it regarding her looks or level of security. You are angry because she has what you want. IF she was physically the most beautiful woman in the world you would not be able to see it or acknowledge it because you are jealous.

 

She probably stayed, because what she knows as reality is very different that what you have been describing here.

 

 

But maybe ML you should ask yourself why, after knowing the wonder and the glory of your "love" MM stayed.

 

IF you are so much better than her, why did HE stay?

[Owl]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

I don't believe that anyone can shake your image of this.

 

Because...you refuse to see any other view but the one you choose to see.

 

You've had this question answered repeatedly in numerous different ways...and yet you simply refuse to accept the answer because you don't like it.

 

There is nothing we can do here to help you understand when you've already decided that you have the right answer and everyone else is wrong.

 

Why do you ask, if you honestly don't want to accept the answers you're given?

[alexandria35]

He was ambivalent about the last one, the one on the way when we fell in love. Basically he thought that's what she wanted.

 

Ok, but didn't she also have a miscarriage during your affair too? While he was refusing to have sex with you he got his wife pregnant twice.

[beach]

Have you told your H yet that you love this OMM?