Can I ask wives who stayed: why?

[MourningLosses]

I don't mean to be disrespectful. I am very sorry that loving my friend hurt his wife. I wish it could be otherwise.

 

But I don't understand why she stayed.

 

When she found out she went hysterical and threatened to kill herself, begged him to stay. She didn't give me any importantce, it must have just been sex she thought. Actually we never had full sex, but loved each other.

 

I'm sure she can't know the full story though he said she does. If she knew he was out with me then slept with her when he came home wouldn't that disgust her? It disgusted me. I felt betrayed, how much more must she feel that? If she knew he told me intimate things about her, and that she was fat and unattractive ( though he was ashamed for saying itbstraight away and tried to take it back).

 

Anyway, she found out or was told that we continued after he promised it was over.

 

No matter what he told her I can't imagine getting over the fact he loved someone else that deeply. To me it seems her reasons for staying must be just lack of self esteem.

 

When she first found out she was in shock and unemployed with a 10 week old baby so I can see why she didn't just throw him out. But now she has a goodnjob and the youngest child is over 2. I can't understand how she could forgive him without basically giving up her self esteem.

 

Can you give me any way to understand? How could a wife stay with a man who had a true loving relationship with anorher woman for a year starting when she was pregnant? Sometimes I wonder if I should tell her the truth I'm sure he hasn't told her.

 

What am I not understanding? I'm married and I would never beg my husband to stay of he did anything close to that.

[freestyle]

 

What am I not understanding? I'm married and I would never beg my husband to stay of he did anything close to that.

 

 

Your affair is over.

 

THEIR marriage is NONE of your business anymore.

 

Weren't you worried about losing your job, or having your professional name dragged through the mud, because of the affair?

 

If you contact the wife, that might just seal your fate.

 

Why not take the energy you're spending fixating on a relationship that's been over, for well over a year, and ...........I dunno, maybe spend it on your kids, or your husband? How have they been weathering your emotional absence?

[MourningLosses]

Ok I get it, I'm the other woman so it's all my fault and betrayed wives hate me for not believing he really stopped loving me.

 

But I just want to know for you- and maybe some of it will help me understand what happened to me- how could you forgive? How could you get past him loving someone else? How is that not a sign of no self esteem? And ultimately that's not that attractive right?

 

Am I missing something? Is there some way a wife could stay other than lack of self esteem? Wouldn't most women decide to repartner if they were betrayed like that?

[SidLyon]

I don't mean to be disrespectful. I am very sorry that loving my friend hurt his wife. I wish it could be otherwise.

 

But I don't understand why she stayed.

 

When she found out she went hysterical and threatened to kill herself, begged him to stay. She didn't give me any importantce, it must have just been sex she thought. Actually we never had full sex, but loved each other.

 

I'm sure she can't know the full story though he said she does. If she knew he was out with me then slept with her when he came home wouldn't that disgust her? It disgusted me. I felt betrayed, how much more must she feel that? If she knew he told me intimate things about her, and that she was fat and unattractive ( though he was ashamed for saying itbstraight away and tried to take it back).

 

Anyway, she found out or was told that we continued after he promised it was over.

 

No matter what he told her I can't imagine getting over the fact he loved someone else that deeply. To me it seems her reasons for staying must be just lack of self esteem.

 

When she first found out she was in shock and unemployed with a 10 week old baby so I can see why she didn't just throw him out. But now she has a goodnjob and the youngest child is over 2. I can't understand how she could forgive him without basically giving up her self esteem.

 

Can you give me any way to understand? How could a wife stay with a man who had a true loving relationship with anorher woman for a year starting when she was pregnant? Sometimes I wonder if I should tell her the truth I'm sure he hasn't told her.

 

What am I not understanding? I'm married and I would never beg my husband to stay of he did anything close to that.

 

I tried on your other thread to explain some of these things; ie that a MM could totally cut off someone (the OW) who he loved. In a nutshell it's my belief that the saying "men want affairs not divorces" is pretty close to the truth in many cases and it sounds like it's so in your situation.

 

First of all I have no doubt that my H loved the OW, so I'm not one of these BWs that supposedly deludes themselves that there was no love between the APs, or that it was just about sex. I'm not sure how you know what she thought anyway.

 

I also felt shocked, devastated and yes, suicidal because I'd been so badly betrayed, but the one begging to stay was him, not me. On d-day I was totally blindsided and assumed my marriage was over, so it was totally unexpected that he was the one begging and saying he would do anything not to lose me!

 

I should add that it was totally out of character for my H to beg and plead about anything, so it was like he was a total stranger in that regard.

 

On d-day I found an e-mail to the OW telling her how much he loved her, written only a few days earlier, so it wasn't that the A had run its course either.

 

I didn't know what to do on d-day because it was so unexpected, but I was sensible enough to realize that I didn't have to make a decision right then. So given that he was begging and pleading, I just said I wouldn't even consider reconciling if he didn't stop the relationship with her.

 

He said he would do anything, so he sent a NC e-mail. I reiterated that any contact initiated by him, would mean he could leave. Over the next few years he demonstrated with his actions that he was committed to having a loving and intimate marriage with me. There were a couple of hiccups in the fist 3 weeks after d-day, and an occasion several months later when the OW contacted him. He told her straight out then, that he was staying married and would be letting me know of her contact. At that stage she pleaded with him to meet her and not tell me.

 

You ask why I stay and it's because we are good now. It's taken nearly 4 years for us to get to that stage. I was prepared to end it for much of that time especially in the early days. It was his choice too (to end with her) as he knew that he couldn't have us both.

 

What you are "not understanding" is that likely he's made his choice. It probably wasn't easy especially if he loved you. He chose his wife not you and it was likely a condition of that choice that she be the only woman in his life. This isn't actually unreasonable of her or him, even though you seem to think it is.

 

Maybe he might change his mind (who knows as it's such early days), but if he doesn't then this is probably the way it's going to be. He probably hated making the choice he did, but he put himself in that situation when he started whatever he started with you. It's also what you signed up for in falling for a MM. Once a MM enters an A with a hopeful OW and an unknowing BW at home, it's inevitable that someone (likely both women) will get badly hurt and that the MM will have an unpalatable choice to make about further hurting one or both of them.

 

It isn't really right that so many MM get to make this choice but from reading LS that's often the way it pans out. Also from reading LS, those marriages that make it longer term, are those when the MM has maintained NC with the OW and both the MM and the BW have a genuine commitment to rebuild and reconcile.

Edited August 12, 2012 by SidLyon

[seren]

Mourning, I cannot say why the MM you had an A with stayed with his wife, only he can say that for sure. If you are still married, why do you stay? I cannot say if he loved you or not, only he can, nor how his wife felt and feels, same response. The only truism is that the only person who can say with absolute conviction why, is the MM. I am an XBS, I can understand why and how you are tying yourself in knots wondering why he chose to stay married when he said he loved you and when he had said those things about his wife. You may never know and that, I would imagine, must be very hard to come to terms with.

 

If his marriage was so bad, he had the perfect opportunity to leave, but he chose to stay, so maybe it wasn't all that he painted it out to be. I can understand that, that might be hard to understand too.

 

I stayed because I loved and love my H, I had done for 23 yrs and I continue to do so despite his A. Why? well I balanced up all our time together, the good and bad times and weighed it up against what the A represented, the nature of it, the truth from both and then looked at what I wanted to do. I have no self esteem issues, no need to stay for money, children or housing, I made an informed chocie and that was to realise that if I left, I would never find someone I loved as much as H, so I stayed and I allowed him to stay too.

 

H's A was never about love, I wish that it had been for I could understand that more. He and I worked hard to change what was broken, he worked to address issues he had and we reconciled and are happy and grateful that we worked things out. During the A he says he was able to compartmentalise our marriage so that it was like two separate worlds, but he felt he wasn't really there in either.

 

I gave him the option on D Day (he told me) to leave and I would unravel our life, he too begged to stay, which was out of character. But, once the two worlds colided and he took on board what he had done, he realised that what he wanted was at home all along, he had just forgotten and he had some pretty deep issues to sort out.

 

Try to stop tying yourself in knots and try to move forward, even though it must be hard to not know how it has all ended up this way. Only he knows the truth of it all and I will say this as gently as I can and mean it, he chooses to stay married, which suggests it wasn't as bad as he made out. Either way, it is where he wants to be and I am sorry you are hurt. If you are still married and unhappy, why do you stay? Can you not leave and begin again? I truly hope you find peace. x

[MourningLosses]

Thanks so much for your kind reply. I get that I have no say in this, I have to live with the effects on my personal and professional life.

 

But how can she stay? Her story isn't like yours. I know that she was the one begging when she found out. He was the one saying he loved me and e wanted to see I was ok. I was very anxious and upset when she found out, and he was trying to comfort me as much as he could given she was policing him.

 

He didn't cut off contact then, he intensified his contact and made plans to come to visit me (though ultimately he didn't). He talked more about her over that time. He told me how badly she was taking it and her friends and his family were all telling her it was over and had been for a long time.

 

I get that she's scared of being alone. But how can you subjugate yourself like that when te other woman knows that everyone else knows the truth too?

 

Obviously your story is different, he really did end it for you immediately. Her husband definitely did not! He kept it going another 3 months at least, behind her back despite her snooping.

[MourningLosses]

Thank you Seren. Again though imbtying to understand her here not him. I get how you might stay (maybe, it's still hard) because he ended it on the spot, and it wasn't for love.

 

But my friend wasn't like that. If possible he betrayed her worse for the next few months. How would you rationalize staying then?

[beach]

Thanks so much for your kind reply. I get that I have no say in this, I have to live with the effects on my personal and professional life.

 

But how can she stay? Her story isn't like yours. I know that she was the one begging when she found out. He was the one saying he loved me and e wanted to see I was ok. I was very anxious and upset when she found out, and he was trying to comfort me as much as he could given she was policing him.

 

He didn't cut off contact then, he intensified his contact and made plans to come to visit me (though ultimately he didn't). He talked more about her over that time. He told me how badly she was taking it and her friends and his family were all telling her it was over and had been for a long time.

 

I get that she's scared of being alone. But how can you subjugate yourself like that when te other woman knows that everyone else knows the truth too?

 

Obviously your story is different, he really did end it for you immediately. Her husband definitely did not! He kept it going another 3 months at least, behind her back despite her snooping.

 

Because she loves him! Is that enough of an answer for you to stop asking the same question 10 different ways?

 

And you ONLY have HIS version - which is always skewed and designed to make you still hang around and wait!

 

The real question is - why are YOU short changing YOURSELF?

[seren]

Thanks so much for your kind reply. I get that I have no say in this, I have to live with the effects on my personal and professional life.

 

But how can she stay? Her story isn't like yours. I know that she was the one begging when she found out. He was the one saying he loved me and e wanted to see I was ok. I was very anxious and upset when she found out, and he was trying to comfort me as much as he could given she was policing him.

 

He didn't cut off contact then, he intensified his contact and made plans to come to visit me (though ultimately he didn't). He talked more about her over that time. He told me how badly she was taking it and her friends and his family were all telling her it was over and had been for a long time.

 

I get that she's scared of being alone. But how can you subjugate yourself like that when te other woman knows that everyone else knows the truth too?

 

Obviously your story is different, he really did end it for you immediately. Her husband definitely did not! He kept it going another 3 months at least, behind her back despite her snooping.

 

Mourning, he may have continued to see you to try to have damage limitation, in that he had told her one thing, but was scared if he didn't that you might say something different from what he had told her.

I am not saying this to be mean, sounds to me like you are hurting enough. He is still there, he hasn't contacted you and he has cut you off without checking to see how you are. People who love people don't do this. No one, BS or otherwise, can make someone stay if they don't want to, he has his own reasons and you may never know what that is.

 

A BS isn't snooping when they check to see if their H is where he says he is after D Day. They are making sure they aren't being lied to, but they still cannot make someone do what they don't want to. if that were the case, wouldn't you have him with you?

 

Again, this is said gently, grieve for what you had, look at the fact that the MM is not what you thought and then try to move along. If he is going to leave, then surely he will contact you. People stay married for all sorts of reasons, but unless it is underpinned with at the very least, strong like, it will quickly fall apart. Take care x

[seren]

Tried to add, staying married to my H is not hard, it is the most natural thing in the world. We have 27 years under our belt and the 8 months of a couple of hours a week just don't stack up against all that we share and all that we have. I love my H and he me, it is sometimes that simple.

[BetrayedH]

Ok I get it, I'm the other woman so it's all my fault and betrayed wives hate me for not believing he really stopped loving me.

 

But I just want to know for you- and maybe some of it will help me understand what happened to me- how could you forgive? How could you get past him loving someone else? How is that not a sign of no self esteem? And ultimately that's not that attractive right?

 

Am I missing something? Is there some way a wife could stay other than lack of self esteem? Wouldn't most women decide to repartner if they were betrayed like that?

 

Some people are faithful to their vows in good times and bad and they see these as the bad times. Especially if there are children involved, the wife is likely to try to keep the nuclear family together. It makes no sense to have an affair (either fix the marriage or divorce are logical choices) so a BS rightly assumes that the wayward is broken in some way; and because the BS loves the WS, they try to be the superhero that saves the family by sacrificing themselves. The BS tries to fix the whole situation for the sake of the wayward, the kids, and yes, even themselves. It also really doesn't help when the WS continues to lie, deny, and minimize or even go so far as to continue to see the OW. The BS would like to believe that the WS would (at some point) actually live up to the commitment they made to be a protector, not a betrayer. So far I don't see anything about self-esteem here. Sounds pretty noble to me.

 

I find myself curious why an OW would consistently accept being #2 in a relationship. Obviously the man would move moutains if he truly loved the OW but somehow he finds himself going home to his wife every night. He's obviously there because he wants to be there (but like the selfish prick that he is, he likes a little piece of action on the side and will string a woman along to make that happen). He's obviously not going to give up his family for this woman (or he would do that). Must be a lack of self-esteem on the part of the OW, right? I mean, who else would accept a man that is, well, married?

[Radu]

OP ... don't take this the wrong way, but have you always had a problem empathising with others ?

 

You can't figure out that maybe she loves him, and in the same posts you say about how if you were in her shoes, you would kick him out.

But you also mention that you are married, so how can you reconcile betraying your husband and him not kicking you out with you wanting that she would kick him out ... because they are both BS.

[Leigh 87]

I would not take back a cheater.

 

I would rather cut my losses, and go through a huge heartbreak than take them back.

 

There are other men I would love just as much, who wouldn't ever cheat. So the temporary heartbreak would be better so I can find a man who will never cheat in the long run.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Some people are faithful to their vows in good times and bad and they see these as the bad times. Especially if there are children involved, the wife is likely to try to keep the nuclear family together. It makes no sense to have an affair (either fix the marriage or divorce are logical choices) so a BS rightly assumes that the wayward is broken in some way; and because the BS loves the WS, they try to be the superhero that saves the family by sacrificing themselves. The BS tries to fix the whole situation for the sake of the wayward, the kids, and yes, even themselves. It also really doesn't help when the WS continues to lie, deny, and minimize or even go so far as to continue to see the OW. The BS would like to believe that the WS would (at some point) actually live up to the commitment they made to be a protector, not a betrayer. So far I don't see anything about self-esteem here. Sounds pretty noble to me.

 

I find myself curious why an OW would consistently accept being #2 in a relationship. Obviously the man would move moutains if he truly loved the OW but somehow he finds himself going home to his wife every night. He's obviously there because he wants to be there (but like the selfish prick that he is, he likes a little piece of action on the side and will string a woman along to make that happen). He's obviously not going to give up his family for this woman (or he would do that). Must be a lack of self-esteem on the part of the OW, right? I mean, who else would accept a man that is, well, married?

 

Great answer! ML, why is lack of self esteem the only conclusion you can come up with here? There is no doubt that an affair rocks a BS's self esteem to the core.

 

What do you have to lack to come home and have sex with the person you are betraying? Take from them, using their love for you when you admit that you have no love for them.

 

How can you expect someone who didn't choose this for themselves to react differently than the person who did? Meaning, if you and he were in love, then why didn't YOU/HE leave to be together? If you can answer that question yourself then it might help you to wrap your head around what you are trying to understand here.

 

If its so easy to "walk away from love" then why are you having trouble accepting things as they are and moving along? Is it because you believe what he has TOLD you? What he has claimed to be his reality? Is it possible SHE is in the same boat? Dealing with the same conflict?

 

What do you believe is wrong with the self esteem of the WS who uses the BS and AP to meet their own needs, knowing neither are be happy with it? Is it a lack of self esteem or an over inflated self esteem?

 

If you and MM were "in love" was that a "feeling" or was it an "action"?

 

For what it's worth, she's about 2 years out from DDay and has young children, Maybe she will still come around. Dealing with betrayal can take YEARS to come to grips with for the BS. Read some stories here. Some women act immediately, some take the blame and burden, some spend years realizing that it wasn't them but the WS that is broken, and some go on to leave their H/W only to entrench themselves in dead end R with a MM for years (that's the one I can't quite grasp but it happens).

 

Good luck with your journey and trying to understand the mindset of your MM's BS. Look for some threads here of newly discovered A's to fully understand the raw pain, confusion, and disbelief. Not light reading by any means but perhaps you'll find your answer.

[Later82012]

I don't mean to be disrespectful. I am very sorry that loving my friend hurt his wife. I wish it could be otherwise.

 

But I don't understand why she stayed.

 

When she found out she went hysterical and threatened to kill herself, begged him to stay. She didn't give me any importantce, it must have just been sex she thought. Actually we never had full sex, but loved each other.

 

I'm sure she can't know the full story though he said she does. If she knew he was out with me then slept with her when he came home wouldn't that disgust her? It disgusted me. I felt betrayed, how much more must she feel that? If she knew he told me intimate things about her, and that she was fat and unattractive ( though he was ashamed for saying itbstraight away and tried to take it back).

 

Anyway, she found out or was told that we continued after he promised it was over.

 

No matter what he told her I can't imagine getting over the fact he loved someone else that deeply. To me it seems her reasons for staying must be just lack of self esteem.

 

When she first found out she was in shock and unemployed with a 10 week old baby so I can see why she didn't just throw him out. But now she has a goodnjob and the youngest child is over 2. I can't understand how she could forgive him without basically giving up her self esteem.

 

Can you give me any way to understand? How could a wife stay with a man who had a true loving relationship with anorher woman for a year starting when she was pregnant? Sometimes I wonder if I should tell her the truth I'm sure he hasn't told her.

 

What am I not understanding? I'm married and I would never beg my husband to stay of he did anything close to that.

 

I think you should tell your husband that you had an affair and if he begged you to stay you will know first-hand as to why he begged you to stay and whether it is related to his self-esteem or not. Alternatively, if your husband asks you to leave and you beg him to let you stay you will know even better whether it is related to self-esteem or not. What do you think?

[BetrayedH]

I would not take back a cheater.

 

I would rather cut my losses, and go through a huge heartbreak than take them back.

 

There are other men I would love just as much, who wouldn't ever cheat. So the temporary heartbreak would be better so I can find a man who will never cheat in the long run.

 

I said the same thing before my Dday. I went so far as to contact a divorce attorney before I confronted my wife. But when I confronted her and she broke down, I held and consoled her. Then I walked around in the nuclear fallout picking up the broken pieces of our lives and started trying to rebuild.

 

So easy to say what you would do until it happens.

 

If you were betrayed and left immediately, good for you. I actually would recommend that now as a course of action whether you ultimately want to divorce or even to reconcile. But my decision to stay had little or nithing to do with my self-esteem. It was because it felt like the right thing to do in a world full of people making the wrong decisions. My self-esteem certainly took a hit (maybe it was more my self-confidence because I no longer trusted my own judgment about what was "real") but that wasn't what made me decide to stay. My self-confidence was excellent prior to Dday and it has taken quite a while but my self-confidence returned just fine. It wasn't about me. It was my Ws and her OM that should be doubting themselves.

[onthefence210]

I think it really doesn't matter why woman stay or go...it's their choice. Maybe you can ask your husband why he stayed with you, that to me would be more important since you've too decided to stay in your marriage after having an A, and have yet to see the A for what it truly was...an A.

 

I am a fWS and my A ended a few months ago, so I'm not trying to attack you. I stopped caring about why xmm W choose to stay because it wasn't for me to worry about. Ive spent my time trying to figure out why I choose to have the A in the first place. My H didn't want a divorce after, he too told me it was just about sex (my A was LD so not a lot of sex) but that is how he justified it in his head.

 

I'm not sure if you are looking for answers from FBS that are woman to explain their reasons, but if u haven't noticed already, the focus in others minds will not give u answers to such a question that has no importance in a marriage where ur main priority should be on recovery and reconciling with yourself and ur H.

 

I guess to me...why does this matter to you? Why does your H stay with a wife that doesn't love him? Why did you stay in an A where the OM would get started with you and then finish with his wife when it disgusted U? How was your self esteem? I think ur focus should be on something that you honestly will never know the true answer and again it really doesn't matter.

 

I do believe woman caught up in these types of A, come out worse then they went in. Something was lacking inside of you and that is a question only you can answer if you are honest with yourself. My suggestion to you is to go and sit with your kids and or your H, and pull out the old photo albums. Look at the pictures of your reality before you became deceitful in ur marriage. You'll be amazed how all the answers to the questions that u should be asking yourself will pop up. I did this for 9 hrs and it didn't make me all warm and fuzzy regarding my H, but it definitely reminded me that my H and I are not the same person. Different needs, wants, feelings, expression etc. and it allowed me to see his perspective, even if I don't agree or see things the way he does. That is finally when I stopped justifying my actions and started getting the answers from within.

 

I kno I went off topic to your question. But all that matters is that woman who have been betrayed and find out about the betrayal...they get control back of their lives. Does it really matter why or how they do it? Especially when it has no barring on any lives other then her and her family. Please take your energy and put it toward healing yourself and your marriage if that's what u choose. Best wishes!

[beenburned]

ML,

 

Why are you staying with a serial cheating H?

[SoleMate]

OW have repeatedly shown their bafflement over why BW often choose to stay with the MM. However, only OW don't understand this. Most people in any other role understand that marriage and its accoutrements (house, children, history, life plans, vows, loyalty, stability, finances, extended family, familiarity etc. etc.) often provide powerful incentives that can outweigh the betrayal of an A.

 

If OW want to ponder a question that is truly hard to answer, how about this: Why would any woman become an OW, let alone cling to and defend that role? It is structurally the WORST role in any relationship situation that is available in the developed world, and has the worst life outcomes.

 

P.S. I am not a BW and have never knowingly been one. I don't identify with BW any more than I do with any person struggling in any painful r/s situation. I do feel special sympathy for OW because it seems to me, they suffer the most.... :-( So please be aware that my comments cannot be dismissed as BW "bitterness" or "hatred" or whatever.

[Spark1111]

Ok I get it, I'm the other woman so it's all my fault and betrayed wives hate me for not believing he really stopped loving me.

 

But I just want to know for you- and maybe some of it will help me understand what happened to me- how could you forgive? How could you get past him loving someone else? How is that not a sign of no self esteem? And ultimately that's not that attractive right?

 

Am I missing something? Is there some way a wife could stay other than lack of self esteem? Wouldn't most women decide to repartner if they were betrayed like that?

 

I loved him before she did. I committed to him for life. I almost did divorce him, but he begged me to reconcile. He fought to restore the marriage.

 

HE fought for us.

 

He became the man I always dreamed he could be: loving, attentive, caring, passionate, centered and devoted. He was remorseful, transparent, and willingly went to IC and MC.

 

He is, and with the exception of his affair, always been a wonderful father, devoted husband, and a good man.

 

Why would I walk away from that?

 

And I have a very healthy sense of self-esteem. Ask anyone at LS!

 

ML, statistically 95% of all wives will take back a husband who cheated, at least initially, and if he is truly remorseful the marriage will go on.

 

I think you should be asking yourself what allowed you to invest emotionally in a man already in a committed relationship, with a baby on the way.

[2sure]

It's likely that he told her the affair was not important to him. To men, if they don't have sex they often don't think of it as more than an inappropriate friendship.

[MourningLosses]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

[woinlove]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I want to see if anyone can shake my image of her as insecure and weak. As I see it she knows he lived someone else deeply, betrayed her while she was pregnant and after the birth, and she stays because she is too fat and ugly to get another partner. I mean I worry about getting another partner and I'm younger and much prettier. But a single mom is always a hard sell and she has 3.

 

As I see it staying for commitment or vows or family is just an excuse. This about the couple- either he loves her enough or he doesn't and given the betrayal was huge I see her as overlooking something huge.

 

I know she loved him, I could see it when they were together before I got involved. It was one of my biggest guilt trips, she loved him so much and she felt secure despite her looks and that's precious. We wrecked that. So why does she cling to the wreckage?

 

So far it sounds like dressing up for wanting to beat me, and wanting to hold onto her security because she would be alone forever.

 

Wow, what you write sounds so mean spirited. She is blessed with 3 children and you describe them as a dating-liability? WTF?

 

Why do you want to keep focusing on the wife, when it brings out such a negative side of you? This can't be making you happy. Why don't you focus on yourself, on your children, your husband, what you want to do with your life?

 

You had written that MM talked about his wife as if she was a saint, in adoring terms. If they have 3 children together and a history, they may be able to feel that again, since he seems to really regret his affair and not want anything to do with you from what you write. I hope they will be happy again and I hope you get on a happier path. But right now, I cringe just reading what you write about another person. Is this the person you want to be?

[whichwayisup]

You seem the one competing and putting her down. You think you're a better person by her.

 

This really is YOUR issue.

 

He chose her. For whatever reason, they are together again. It takes a special person with a big forgiving heart to take back a cheating spouse. She isn't alone in all this okay, HE has led to her believe he's OK to be home again, so she is giving him a chance to prove himself to her again.

 

Honestly, you'll never know the why's and how's unless you are her and inside her head. Asking us could be just making you OBSESS about this more and more. Stop. It's done and you need to focus on your own life. Figure out what you want to do. Your Husband? What about him??

[Mount]

Honestly now I feel that ML, you were trying sexual harrassing the MM who even did not want to have sex with you. For me, it seemed that you ALWAYS go after him, you persuaded him, manupilated him, asked him to look at your eyes, that is so not romantic at all. Basically you brain washed him, projecting your thoughts to him. Because basically he did not, does not, will not love you at all.

 

For what I read so far, that poor guy, the MM is merely the sexual victim of yours. So just stop go after MM and his wife. End of story.

 

Remember - here is the forum for OW/OM, not for people whose behavior close to sexual predator.

 

 

You seem the one competing and putting her down. You think you're a better person by her.

 

This really is YOUR issue.

 

He chose her. For whatever reason, they are together again. It takes a special person with a big forgiving heart to take back a cheating spouse. She isn't alone in all this okay, HE has led to her believe he's OK to be home again, so she is giving him a chance to prove himself to her again.

 

Honestly, you'll never know the why's and how's unless you are her and inside her head. Asking us could be just making you OBSESS about this more and more. Stop. It's done and you need to focus on your own life. Figure out what you want to do. Your Husband? What about him??

Edited August 13, 2012 by Mount