blr Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 I just got married 17 days ago. Yes, 17 days. Anyways, I will give a back story on why I know think I want a divorce. I had some serious anxiety about whether we should get married, and I had issues come to the surface before we were engaged. So, should I have not got married at all? Probably. I truly believe that I got married and would even think about staying in this marriage because of the stability (financially and just in general), the fact that divorce would just totally do me in right now, and that I really want him to be the one. I want to be married once and be in love for the rest of my life. I also have issues with myself that I am not sure I can ever be happy or pleased, so I wonder if it is worth the trouble of divorce. I wonder if it just makes more sense to just stay. Anyways, the back story. So, I am completely happy with him other than this, but it continuously bothers me. I have been in 3 relationships including him. The two prior to him were unsuccessful because they cheated. I swore I could not be with somebody who cheated ever again. I was blindsided by both of them cheating, so it has made me have serious trust issues (with pretty much everybody; I think everybody and my mother is out to get me hahah)and it has made me very paranoid. When I met my husband I felt like I need to comstantly check up on him to make sure he was being faithful. I snooped his facebook, his email, google searched him, his phone, EVERYTHING. So many times I would find nothing. NO DIRT. But, for some reason, this didn't not make me think he was trustworthy. So, I kept searching, deeper and deeper. Daily. Thinking I would catch him at the right time. In the mean time, he never mentioned his exes. I was very open about my past relationships and the fact that I dont like exes(both of my exes cheated with their past girlfriends, so I dont like my current boyfriend to be friends with their exes. It just makes me uneasy). Well, a few months into our dating it was his birthday. I had a clue that he had a significant ex from stalking his facebook. Well, this girl posted on his wall "happy birthday babe". ...yeah, not OK! I confronted him and he finally fessed up that he had been with this girl for nearly 5 years and had broken up with her about a month or less before he met me. This was my first trust issue. Why would he keep this from me? He also told me he was friends with her, but was completely over her. Well, I went out of the country for 3 months. While I was out he said he wanted to just be single. He was confused and didnt want to drag me along. Ok, I was hurt, but at least he was being honest. we kept in contact, but did not date again until 2months after I returned home. He said he had figured it out and realized that he wanted to be with me. Well shortly after I snooped and found some facebook messages from his exes' sister. She confronted him for how he was treating her. This made me uneasy...but nothing to freak out about. Fast forward months and months...I snooped on his email and found a message from somebody on craigslist saying they wanted to meet up and his ad looked sexy..wtf???? I tried to find his ad on craigslist. I searched for hours. I found nothing. I went back to his email and found similar messages in his spam. I confronted him and he said thats exactly what it was..spam. He showed them all to me in front of him and asked me what I wanted to do. I wanted him to delete his email. He did. Right in front of me. Fast forward again and I saw him checking an email..I couldve sworn he deleted it...well he made a new one. I let it go, because well, its unrealistic for someone to not have an email and that is controlling of me. Well, then the several months after that were great. I was trusting him and was truly happy. He proposed and I was happy...at first. Then, suddenly I started to think about all of the trust issues I had in the beginning of our relationship. I thought I should leave, but stayed because I didnt think I could do it on my own (financially). I chalked it up to normal nerves. The day of our wedding, I freaked out. I broke down and cried, but had no idea why. He saw me cry and wasn't bothered by it. which bothered me. I wanted him to freak out too..to show me hey its normal, or to show me hey! its not normal. you should be worry free and happy. He didnt care, he just was ready to get married. Well, 17 days into it..Im questioning it again. I should add that I stopped snooping for a few months now. Well, in my anxiety I logged into his email. I found nothing weird until I checked his trash folder. There was an email from gmail, saying congratulations on creating your new email. This email was one I was not aware of. I typed in the email and guessed the password (he uses the same one for just about everything) and boom! it worked. ALL of the emails were craigslist responses from personals. One even saying that he has never hooked up with a guy but has always been curious. Oh My God. What did I get myself into? There is NO WAY this can be explained away with spam. i dont know what to do. Should I confront him? Im certain he will just try to explain it away. If I wont leave anyways, should I just never confront him? Will I always be unhappy? I am so lost. Advice?
Balzac Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Are you using a contraceptive? If he's having unprotected man:man sex, your health may be at risk #1. If he's cheating you need to decide how you feel about it. Communication with honesty is what maintains a marital relationship. 1
Author blr Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 Are you using a contraceptive? If he's having unprotected man:man sex, your health may be at risk #1. If he's cheating you need to decide how you feel about it. Communication with honesty is what maintains a marital relationship. From what I have found out, he has not actually met up with anyone. Maybe he just likes the excitement of posting? Anyways, I am not even being intimate with him because I am so turned off.
Balzac Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Actually you have no factual basis to know whether he has or has not. What you need to do is be tested. It's easy and free. Seventeen days married and in a sexless relationship speaks volumes.
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Get the marriage ennulled. This man is not ready for marriage and committment, your gut screamed it all along but your desire to want to be married, to be loved by someone (anyone) and have companionship, took over. The red flags have been there for a while.. Finding that info now is just icing on the cake. I suggest too, that you seek some counselling so you can learn how to listen to your gut, notice red flags sooner and also learn to trust again. 5
Author blr Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 Get the marriage ennulled. This man is not ready for marriage and committment, your gut screamed it all along but your desire to want to be married, to be loved by someone (anyone) and have companionship, took over. The red flags have been there for a while.. Finding that info now is just icing on the cake. I suggest too, that you seek some counselling so you can learn how to listen to your gut, notice red flags sooner and also learn to trust again. Can I get it annulled? I read the qualifications for annulling a marriage, and I am not sure mine qualifies. I will get tested for sure, I obviously understand I don't know whether he has cheated. I just don't understand why he would propose if he really didn't want to be married?
Balzac Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 He wanted to be married but not for the same reasons you do. Some men use marriage as a social cover. He wanted a personal shopper, housekeeper or children? Someone to walk his dog? A designated driver? Who knows, you cannot concern yourself with anyone other than yourself. Get away from him, get yourself tested, get yourself some free counseling to avoid such a man in your future. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Can I get it annulled? I read the qualifications for annulling a marriage, and I am not sure mine qualifies. I will get tested for sure, I obviously understand I don't know whether he has cheated. I just don't understand why he would propose if he really didn't want to be married? I went through this same crap for 3 years! GET IT ANNULLED. He's not going to stop, he's young and has nothing to lose,(he's not invested enough) he's just going to take it more and more underground and get better at hiding it. I'm sure you would qualify given the circumstances.
Kelemvor Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Wow. I don't know what to say... You're like a CIA covert op inside this guy's life. Nothing will ever be private. You'll scour and scour until you find something and believe me... you WILL ALWAYS find something. Guys just do stuff that they consider harmless and know their motives are pure but just don't tell their wives. It might be surfing some porn or facebooking their ex to find out where they are or what they've been doing. I don't know what to say about the craigslist stuff. Either way, I'd say you both sound like you're going to be miserable, just for different reasons. Get out now, save both of you a lot of emotional and financial hardship. Get an annulment. Find a shrink to talk about all your issues so that your next relationship is a winning one. 1
GuyInLimbo Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I agree, get an annulment immediately. You, yourself, need a LOT of IC. Period. Also, forgive me for judging, but how old are the two of you? Your post sounds of someone incredibly young and immature.
pteromom Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Guys just do stuff that they consider harmless and know their motives are pure but just don't tell their wives. It might be surfing some porn or facebooking their ex to find out where they are or what they've been doing. I agree you can always find SOMETHING, but your examples are a world apart from putting ads on Craigslist looking to meet up with people. It sounds like this guy has no intention of being faithful if he's trolling Craigslist 17 days in. I think you should move on. Find a guy you don't have to constantly spy on. Better yet, spend some time on your own and figure out why you keep picking cheaters.
KatZee Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 ALL of the emails were craigslist responses from personals. One even saying that he has never hooked up with a guy but has always been curious. Oh My God. What did I get myself into? There is NO WAY this can be explained away with spam. i dont know what to do. Should I confront him? Im certain he will just try to explain it away. If I wont leave anyways, should I just never confront him? Will I always be unhappy? I am so lost. Advice? I was about to chalk this all up to your incredible sense of paranoia and distrust from previous baggage but this just sealed it. I think your now husband is a liar and has been a liar for a long time. I actually believe he may have gone back to his ex of 5 years when he told you he wanted to be single for those 3-5 months when he split from you. I really don't think there's much to explain from his end. He deletes e-mail accounts when you find them, only to create new ones to continue being sneaky with personal ads. Will you always be unhappy? Yes. I think so. Beyond a shadow of a doubt this is who he is. He's sneaky... he's putting out personals ads. This will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life hacking into his e-mail/facebook/phone? Just to see what you're going to find? This is not a relationship at all.
shiftman Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 You stated that you started checking up on him in the beginning. Thus, it appears as though you are suffering from some issues of insecurity that stem from your past experience with cheaters. Whether you stay or go is your decision. What I can tell you is that if you enter into another relationship without addressing your own issues, you will likely have problems. You may find "Mr. Right" and find no baggage, but you won't keep him long with this type of jealous and insecure behavior. As for "being curious", I would not jump to any conclusions. I'm 100% straight, but I have always been curious as to why gay and lesbian relationships occur. I have no desire to investigate any further than that, but I am a curious and analytical type of person. That said, I would certainly err on the side of conservancy and get tested.
thatone Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Wow. I don't know what to say... You're like a CIA covert op inside this guy's life. Nothing will ever be private. You'll scour and scour until you find something and believe me... you WILL ALWAYS find something. Guys just do stuff that they consider harmless and know their motives are pure but just don't tell their wives. It might be surfing some porn or facebooking their ex to find out where they are or what they've been doing. I don't know what to say about the craigslist stuff. Either way, I'd say you both sound like you're going to be miserable, just for different reasons. Get out now, save both of you a lot of emotional and financial hardship. Get an annulment. Find a shrink to talk about all your issues so that your next relationship is a winning one. i bet your definition of 'winning' is different than hers. she'll have a string of these. the snooping is her drama, she needs it. without something to find she'd get bored due to lack of said drama and find someone more snoop-able.
BetrayedH Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Another vote for...get an annulment. Sorry for what you are going thru. Cheating is rampant. It's not you; it's them. Be glad you found it in 17 days rather than 17 years.
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