How do I deal with my trust issues?

[awesomeusername]

I have a boyfriend that I absolutely love. We have been together for almost 2 years now. We have great chemistry and have a ton of fun together.

 

He has his problems and I have mine: His are fear of commitment and my trust issues. Both HUGE factors. (His commitment issues sometimes worsen my trust issues, but that's another story, I want to focus on MY trust issues first)

 

My father had affair's with several woman in the length of my parent's 18 year marriage. Which eventually ended 4 years ago after his longest 1 year affair with another married woman. My mom and I had no knowledge of his affairs beforehand until everything was brought to surface. My father was someone I looked up to, someone that I compared to guys I met, I wanted them to be like him. That was until I found about his infidelity.

 

I got into a serious relationship after the turmoil of my parent's marriage ended in divorce. This man I met was absolutely charming. He was literally Mr. Perfect. He did everything for me and was truly an amazing person. I thought I met the one. We moved in together, planned our future and even had the names of our unborn children picked out. He even bought me a ring and was planning our marriage.

 

Then one day I got a call from his girlfriend of 4 years. It's too long of a story so I won't go into detail. But, I also found out he was cheating on me with a married client (whom was twice his age) at work after finding emails and letters confessing their "undying love" for each other. And that's not ALL: He also had another girl on the side as a FWB. So, basically he cheated on me with 3 other woman. (I honestly don't know how he did it) I stuck with him for a long time trying to make it work after I found out about all the cheating and of course, it didn't work out. He continued to cheat and I couldn't let go of the pain he had caused me. It took me 2 years to get over him. I was severely emotionally damaged by his cheating and my dad's affair. And I still am affected by it.

 

(And guess what? He ended up marrying that married woman who ended up divorcing her high school sweat heart for my ex-boyfriend!)

 

So now I face huge trust issues. My current boyfriend hasn't done anything to make me think he is cheating, but that's the thing, neither did that last relationship. Everything was literally perfect and I couldn't believe it when I found out what he was doing. He hid it so well.

 

I'm just so scared of that happening again. I'm terrified of one day finding out that my boyfriend is doing things behind my back and then falling into that major depression of being cheated on. I don't ever want to hit rock bottom again.

 

How do I overcome my trust issues so I can be happy in a relationship without always being afraid of someone cheating on me?

[musemaj11]

Generally men desire quantity while women desire quality.

 

That's life. Deal with it.

[Garfish]

Wow, your problem sounds all too familiar. One thing I can tell you is that it's not fair to punish the next guy for the behavior of the last guy. This seems like something that women do a little more often than men (in my experience) and it gets really old. Maybe it's harder to rebuild trust inside a woman's head, or maybe women see men as all the same, I don't know. I'm not saying guys don't to it, but it's just less intense. We get hurt, we get back out there and try again, as if it were a sports competition or a music gig.

 

You mentioned he was commitment phobic, well, you should know that not everyone believes in marriage and not everyone wants to get married. Marriage is certainly an outdated institution, it no longer guarantees either the exchange of property between extended families or the production of children. It certainly doesn't forge alliances between tribes or clans like it used to. And today, marriage hurts men much more than it hurts women. Women have much more to gain from a marriage. So in any case, if he's the type to marry, a man wants to wait longer to be sure he's not going to be robbed and ransacked. But you asked about your trust issue, not so much about him.

 

Do you have any indication that your new guy isn't faithful or are you just having obsessive "what if" thoughts? You should definitely see a counselor. Look for reassuring behavior from your man- try to spot what's positive instead of imagining what could be negative. Do you know his friends? Are they respectable and honorable people? Do they like you? Sometimes you might even get to talk to an ex, though he could be creeped out by that so I don't know if it's a good idea. Cheaters-at least the habitual ones- have a tendency to be disliked by other people who aren't cheaters. Whatever you do don't start checking up on him without cause. A cheater doesn't mind you checking up as much as a non-cheater, because the former doesn't care anyway and the latter would be deeply offended if you thought of him that way.

[Garfish]

So now I face huge trust issues. My current boyfriend hasn't done anything to make me think he is cheating, but that's the thing, neither did that last relationship. Everything was literally perfect and I couldn't believe it when I found out what he was doing. He hid it so well.

 

OK, I'm thinking that there were some signs but that you ignored them, either due to being naive or through selective attention.

 

How do I overcome my trust issues so I can be happy in a relationship without always being afraid of someone cheating on me?

 

First, you have to love yourself and know that you are worthy and deserve someone who is faithful. Second, you just have to trust the guy, hard as it may be.

 

P.S. credentials: been cheated on in 2 past relationships. Remember, once a cheater always a cheater.

[awesomeusername]

Wow, your problem sounds all too familiar. One thing I can tell you is that it's not fair to punish the next guy for the behavior of the last guy. This seems like something that women do a little more often than men (in my experience) and it gets really old. Maybe it's harder to rebuild trust inside a woman's head, or maybe women see men as all the same, I don't know. I'm not saying guys don't to it, but it's just less intense. We get hurt, we get back out there and try again, as if it were a sports competition or a music gig.

 

You mentioned he was commitment phobic, well, you should know that not everyone believes in marriage and not everyone wants to get married. Marriage is certainly an outdated institution, it no longer guarantees either the exchange of property between extended families or the production of children. It certainly doesn't forge alliances between tribes or clans like it used to. And today, marriage hurts men much more than it hurts women. Women have much more to gain from a marriage. So in any case, if he's the type to marry, a man wants to wait longer to be sure he's not going to be robbed and ransacked. But you asked about your trust issue, not so much about him.

 

Do you have any indication that your new guy isn't faithful or are you just having obsessive "what if" thoughts? You should definitely see a counselor. Look for reassuring behavior from your man- try to spot what's positive instead of imagining what could be negative. Do you know his friends? Are they respectable and honorable people? Do they like you? Sometimes you might even get to talk to an ex, though he could be creeped out by that so I don't know if it's a good idea. Cheaters-at least the habitual ones- have a tendency to be disliked by other people who aren't cheaters. Whatever you do don't start checking up on him without cause. A cheater doesn't mind you checking up as much as a non-cheater, because the former doesn't care anyway and the latter would be deeply offended if you thought of him that way.

 

 

Thank you. I really like what you have said. I do need to seek counseling. My current boyfriend hasn't done anything to really make me wonder. There was two times he broke up with me and in those periods (less then a week) when we were broken up, I wonder what he did. But that isn't my business because we weren't together, so it wouldn't be cheating anyways.

 

His friends are the most sincere awesome people ever met. They are all very mature, kind, and have big hearts. That's one thing I like about him. Who you are friends with can tell a lot about who you are.

 

I don't check up on him and I don't question him. I keep my fears to myself. One thing that bothers me is he looks through my stuff, my phone...my email...and that bothers me. Because if he can't trust me, how can I trust him and why does he think I'm hiding something?

 

So I started looking through his things, and I didn't really find much. I read texts that kind of made me question if he was being flirty or not, but I didn't read too much into it. I saw pictures of other girls on his phone, but he said they were old and meant nothing. So I left it at that.

 

I guess I can't live in the future of what if's, I will have to deal with it when it comes my way, but hopefully I haven't invested a lot of time with him if that happens.