My boyfriend makes me feel like I'm forcing him to meet my friends.

[maysj18]

I've been dating my guy for a few months now. He's spectacular! We've done so much together and spend nearly every day with each other. One problem that's come up lately is how he acts when I ask him to go out with my friends. He has met my closest girlfriend many times, but that's mostly because whenever we first started hanging out, we would always hang out in group settings and I would bring her. They got along great! Well, now that we're serious I have asked him to meet other friends of mine. I've asked him to go to dinner with a few of us twice and then one time I asked him to go to this bar with me for just an hour so he could meet my soon to be roommate. Every single time there is some excuse or he'll kind of lead me to believe that he'll go, but then last minute he changes his mind.

 

I will say that he's been having some health issues related to acid reflux the past few weeks, so he uses that as a reason to not go out to restaurants because he can't eat certain things. Whatever, I can't really argue with that. This one time in particular though, I was just going to sit with my friend and her boyfriend at Applebees so they could get some drinks. Both my boyfriend and I had already eaten, so I was just going to casually hang out, but he still said that he didn't want to go sit with us. I was frustrated but I didn't push it since he hadn't been feeling well.

 

I asked him a couple weeks later to go to the bar with me and some friends so he could meet them and again he says no, because he a) doesn't like the bar and b) doesn't want to go if he can't drink. This really upset me, because when we first began hanging out, this exact bar is where we would always meetup with our groups of friends. Also, he rarely drank during those occasions! So it just seemed he was making up excuses.

 

Well, a couple weekends ago I invited him to this club an hour away. I love love love to go dance! This club is not nice by any means, but it's definitely a place you can have fun at if you choose to. I told him how much it'd mean to me if he'd go. I was going with my friend and her boyfriend and I didn't want to be third wheel or not have anyone to dance with (I wouldn't feel right dancing with another guy besides my boyfriend). He said that it wasn't his scene and that he "hated" that place. It was only going to be for about two hours..that's it. I asked again the day of and he said he would think about it and not to count him out. This made me feel like he was going to go for me, but I got a text as I was getting ready that evening from him basically saying how much he didn't want to go and how ****ty it was going to be. I told him just to stay home because I didn't know he felt that strongly about it.

 

After all of this, I felt stupid because none of my close friends had met him since he was always cancelling and they felt like he didn't want to meet them.

 

Last night I finally got him to do something with my roommate. We went over to the house we're moving into (I moved in early actually and am currently living there) and had some wine and just hung out. Now, some background: he comes over to my house ALL the time, but as soon as I mentioned that my roommate would be there, he immediately says "Man, I hate it when plans are thrown on me last second." ...The ****? He is either at my house or I'm at his..had my friend not been there, he wouldn't of said anything at all, but he made it seem like her being there turned a normal evening into a huge deal. Stupid. He was very polite and everything when he arrived, but I could tell he wasn't having fun. We were sitting around playing games, something he and I do all the damn time and he never complains. Why is it so much different with my roommate there?

 

Well, tonight I asked if he wanted to go to a bonfire at a different girl's house. She's super chill and he would really get along with her. Plus, she smokes and he hasn't in awhile so I figured he could do that. You know, just trying to make it enjoyable for him. Again, he said no, not if there will be more than 10 people there. what does it matter? It's not a huge party, but there will be between 7-10 people. It's so damn weird.

 

So that's what's going on. After the first few cancellations I talked to him about it, especially in regards to the dancing, and he said that he didn't like that scene and wouldn't drag me to something he knew I didn't want to do. That's the thing though: he wouldn't have to drag me along anywhere, I'd want to go if it meant a lot to him. I could care less about motorcycle races, but that's what he likes to do so I would go to a race anytime, any place just to sit around all day and watch him. I've gone to his dad's garage and let he and his dad show me around for hours. I asked questions and tried my hardest to impress both he and his dad. I didn't understand a thing they were telling me, but I could see how much he loved it and so I had a good time because of that. Same with his music. We listen to completely different types of music and I don't enjoy the music he listens to or plays, but I ask him music related questions and never put it down unless he directly asks. When we listen to my music, he makes little jabs at it all the time. Being a musician, he critiques it from a technical standpoint and it drives me crazy. What does it matter? It drives me crazy.

 

I also show horses, and whenever I asked him to go to a horse show with me just to spectate for a couple of hours he automatically tossed up stipulations. We would need to go at night so it wasn't too hot, he didn't want to go if it was going to rain, blah blah. It doesn't seem fair at all. I try so hard to get along with his friends; I listen to music he writes; I ask all sorts of questions to learn about the things he likes. I'm really, really trying, but he won't even go to a restaurant to meet my close friends? Also, even though his sickness is legit and very uncomfortable I'm sure, he will still use it as an excuse not to go out even after he just went riding on his motorcycle. If you feel well enough to maneuver a bike 5x your body weight around tight turns on a race track, I'm pretty sure you can go sit at a restaurant for an hour and drink some water. Right?

 

I would like to point out how amazing he is, though. He does small things for me all the time- cleaning out my car when I'm asleep, sending me flowers, surprising me with something I've mentioned that I'd like to have, etc. He is absolutely wonderful with my family and they love him and vice versa. His family is awesome and they have welcomed me with open arms pretty much. He is so genuine, hilarious, and talented. He is studying to be a CRNA and for only 23 years old, really has his finances/life together. He has saved every ticket from every movie we've seen together, he planned a very romantic weekend vacation back in June that was so much fun, and he's very affectionate in public. I really feel like I'm dating my best friend. We are so comfortable together, but I just don't know why he is so weird about meeting people that are so important to me. Am I being selfish? Does this come off a bit weird to any of you? Any insight? Do you guys agree that couples should step out of their comfort zone to make their partners happy every now and then?

[Identity]

Are you sure he does not have some form of social anxiety? If not, then I would really start to doubt his genuineness.

 

I can imagine a SO not wanting to spend every opportunity with your friends but he does not take any opportunity. And it seems he is willing to stoop quite low to make certain that he gets his way.

 

Don't expect things to improve. In all likelihood they will get worse in the future. That he is unwilling to address your expressed needs / wants does not bode well for the future.

[maysj18]

Are you sure he does not have some form of social anxiety? If not, then I would really start to doubt his genuineness.

 

I can imagine a SO not wanting to spend every opportunity with your friends but he does not take any opportunity. And it seems he is willing to stoop quite low to make certain that he gets his way.

 

Don't expect things to improve. In all likelihood they will get worse in the future. That he is unwilling to address your expressed needs / wants does not bode well for the future.

 

That is one thing I've questioned. Maybe he gets anxious around a lot of people. I've suffered from anxiety and I know it can make even the most chill outings miserable. I just know about some parties he went to over the past year and they sounded crazy. I get the impression he finds the things my friends and I do "boring" since he's done some wild partying in other cities. He's mellowed out a lot now obviously, but his past makes me feel like anxiety is not the issue. However, it can sneak up out of nowhere so I'm not completely writing it off.

[Identity]

He hung out with you and your friends before you became a couple. So it cannot be a very extreme form. Also he would have avoided crazy parties at all costs. Yet obviously he has not.

 

As he has aged he may have become less interested in partying and the like. But that still does not mean he suffers from social anxiety. It means that he is not interested in partying like mad.

 

Some of his behaviors might be construed as being compulsive. Does everything have to happen his way? Is he willing to compromise on other matters in your relationship?

[maysj18]

He hung out with you and your friends before you became a couple. So it cannot be a very extreme form. Also he would have avoided crazy parties at all costs. Yet obviously he has not.

 

As he has aged he may have become less interested in partying and the like. But that still does not mean he suffers from social anxiety. It means that he is not interested in partying like mad.

 

Some of his behaviors might be construed as being compulsive. Does everything have to happen his way? Is he willing to compromise on other matters in your relationship?

 

That is why it's so frustrating. I can't categorize him as a selfish person because he is not by any means. When it comes to mostly everything else, I have a final say. Not in the authoritarian way, but he always makes sure I agree on what we watch, eat, where we go, etc. All the time. It's always about me during sex, too. Also, all these things that he cancels on, he does with me whenever it's just us (minus the bar/club). It just seems to be an issue when other people are involved that aren't people he already knows. This is why I feel like it's more of an issue he has with my friends.

[Identity]

I looked through your posting history. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/332626-update

 

Is this the same guy?

 

Why I think he's trying to make me jealous is that while he's confident, I feel like he second guesses himself a lot. He waited nearly a month to kiss me and the first time we had sex, he had trouble because of his nerves. Maybe he feels inadequate? I don't know. It's no excuse, but I'm really hoping that's all it is. Every time I bring up his sketchy comments, he tells me he didn't mean anything by it and then adds something really sweet. His actions and his words just don't match. He is so affectionate: always holding my hand, putting pictures of us up on Facebook, playing with my hair, taking me to really nice places, and planning future trips and stuff; however, he comments on how hot certain women are (like random strippers and escorts he saw back in his party days) and then gets weird texts from a girl he knew in high school.

 

It sounds like he is afraid of offending or upsetting you for most part. That does not make him selfless. It just makes him wary of avoiding conflict. Chances are this also applies to the bedroom. He does not always realize what behaviors are inappropriate and which ones are acceptable. Hence a lot of second guessing. I think a lot of compliments you receive may be over the top simply because he is compensating for his earlier slip ups.

 

I am sorry to sound pessimistic but things are very likely to get worse. It is only a young relationship so he is still mostly on his best behavior rather than showing his true colors.

[InJest]

He doesn't have an issue with them. He doesn't know them. Seems like he just wants to keep your time together, as just that, your time together. He just doesn't seem too keen on meeting new people.

 

Your boyfriend isn't making you feel anything. You feel like you're forcing him, because you are trying so hard to make him do something that he doesn't want to do..which is called forcing.

 

You can't have everything your way. The guy seems to treat you like a princess, but doesn't want to meet your friends. Get over it or find someone new that treats you like royalty and wants to meet your friends.

[Identity]

He doesn't have an issue with them. He doesn't know them. Seems like he just wants to keep your time together, as just that, your time together.

I disagree there. Because then he would also consistently make certain that she would not have to meet his family or end up in situations where others are present whom he may not know. His family are a crowd too.

 

Besides he would not come up with a ton of last minute excuses and consistently go out of his way to make certain he will not meet her friends. He would actually handle it as an adult. And either go on occasion (make a bit of an effort) or actually tell her bluntly that he has no interest whatsoever to meet up with them. Rather than coming up with excuse after excuse.

[maysj18]

He doesn't have an issue with them. He doesn't know them. Seems like he just wants to keep your time together, as just that, your time together. He just doesn't seem too keen on meeting new people.

 

Your boyfriend isn't making you feel anything. You feel like you're forcing him, because you are trying so hard to make him do something that he doesn't want to do..which is called forcing.

 

You can't have everything your way. The guy seems to treat you like a princess, but doesn't want to meet your friends. Get over it or find someone new that treats you like royalty and wants to meet your friends.

 

No way. We have been friends for a good two years and recently started dating (late April). We are together 24/7 just about and I have asked him out with my friends maybe 5 times since we've been together. I am not forcing him; his ****ty retort to everything I suggest and then saying "he would never drag me along somewhere" means that he feels I am dragging him along. Not a single time out of the ones I mentioned above where he cancelled did I "force" him to go. In fact, I apologized for asking him to go dancing with me after I saw how much he didn't want to go. He does treat me well and I feel so blessed, but I want to share another part of my life with him. If I was begging and pleading with him to go out clubbing all the time, etc. that would be different, but a few times all I wanted was for him to go to dinner with us which entails driving 5 minutes to eat a restaurant he and I eat at all the time.

[maysj18]

I looked through your posting history. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/332626-update

 

Is this the same guy?

 

 

 

It sounds like he is afraid of offending or upsetting you for most part. That does not make him selfless. It just makes him wary of avoiding conflict. Chances are this also applies to the bedroom. He does not always realize what behaviors are inappropriate and which ones are acceptable. Hence a lot of second guessing. I think a lot of compliments you receive may be over the top simply because he is compensating for his earlier slip ups.

 

I am sorry to sound pessimistic but things are very likely to get worse. It is only a young relationship so he is still mostly on his best behavior rather than showing his true colors.

 

Yep, same one. We have fixed all those issues that I previously posted about. I could fill you in if you found it necessary.

[Identity]

Of course partners need to step out of their comfort zone once in a while. That applies to both partners and within reason. I do not see anything unreasonable in your expectations for your partner. As I see it you are not putting enormous demands on him.

 

He does not sound nice at all. Other than the benefits he gets from the relationship he hardly seems interested in you and what drives you at all. Part of what interests you are your friends. The things they do. Dancing. Your religious beliefs. Etc.

 

The rest of his behaviors is simply a case of him "learning" how to respond to you. The problems you have "solved" are just a matter of him learning how to deal with you. That is why he leaves all the decision making to you. But note: whenever you do something that does not agree with him he will keep scores.

 

The "solutions" do nothing to change the underlying psychological dynamic inside him. That energy has to go somewhere and it is possible that it gets focused on making certain that he will not meet your friends. Soon enough it will be other things that he will not occasionally indulge in.

 

You are still in the early stages of your relationship. The time when it is easiest to fake genuineness or to truly think we are genuine. Blame the love hormones for that.

[maysj18]

Anyone else have any insight?

 

Thank you, Identity. What do you think I should do? I can't really say I agree with you, but I also don't disagree. I was telling my brother that when it comes to things he doesn't have a strong opinion about, he is very flexible and chill; however, if there is something that he has never liked to do, he will plant his feet down and not budge...even if I tell him that it's important to me. -.-

[mortensorchid]

I don't like the sound of this. If he doesn't want to meet your friends, or do anything that you have specifically said "this is important to me", then he will not bend on anything. You will end up catering to his needs all the time, then he'll be angry with you over nothing. He might go so far as to accuse you of saying "you didn't ask me to go to that party with you" when you did, and you point that out to him.

 

Consider this point, because it will always be there.

[Emilia]

After reading the other thread, I agree with Identity. For laziness and simplicity, he is the kind of guy whom I usually refer to as the passive-aggressive type who is amicable enough to mascarade as the 'nice guy' (some people do actually see men like him as nice just because he is passive enough). He will keep sabotaging aspects of your relationship because either he is not interested in you enough or because he gets a kick out of it. Identity is right, this guy worked out how to get along with you and this is the depth of connection with him you can hope for.

[RiverRunning]

After reading the other thread, I agree with Identity. For laziness and simplicity, he is the kind of guy whom I usually refer to as the passive-aggressive type who is amicable enough to mascarade as the 'nice guy' (some people do actually see men like him as nice just because he is passive enough). He will keep sabotaging aspects of your relationship because either he is not interested in you enough or because he gets a kick out of it. Identity is right, this guy worked out how to get along with you and this is the depth of connection with him you can hope for.

 

 

OP, I dated a guy who, in the first few months, I thought was oh so wonderful. He'd pay for all the dates (that ended quickly), he was so nice and gentle and accepting of my family...romantic sigh!

 

Until the time he was supposed to meet my best friend ( a gay man, who was in a relationship at the time, whom I had known since childhood and been friends with since my teens). I noticed that my boyfriend could pack my friends into his car like a clown car.

 

But the three of us - friend, boyfriend and me - decided we were going to go to the movies. My car broke down and boyfriend said he'd drive. But then, suddenly, he wouldn't drive because he was 'worried' that my friend would be 'uncomfortable' riding in the backseat. Seriously!

 

Long story short, he was insanely jealous of not only my best friend, but my interactions with anybody else. When I was with him, my focus had to be 100% on him. He too would send me little catty texts or make catty comments if my 1-year-old cousin was going to be visiting at the same time (and it's not like I spent hours fawning over the kid. Maybe 10 minutes when I was with then-boyfriend).

 

I am sorry to say it, but it's almost certainly going to get worse. Inflexible people have no business being in relationships. You're right that most folks would realize that not everything they do with an SO is going to be fun - sometimes you have to do things just because you know it will please your partner.

 

Sometimes you have to grin and bear it, and that includes meeting people. I don't think this is a case of social anxiety at all, based on his partying history and the comments he makes about how 'boring' your stuff is. I think he's immature and selfish, even if he's otherwise accommodating to your needs.

 

Like Emilia said, I think he's just learned how to wrap women around his finger. He can't be an outright jerk, so he has to be kind of nice, right? Otherwise, you'd see him for what he is and bail.

[maysj18]

He's actually told me he would think it was rude if I faked interest in something to please him?

 

Anyways, I've talked to my mom and other people and plan on waiting until his medical issue is resolved (goes in for an endoscope on the 27th) and after that I will bring this all up very diplomatically and make sure he sees my stance on it. His negativity has a correlation with how his stomach feels, so that's the only reason I'm hoping it'll change. Do you all think this is a good idea? This type of attitude is definitely a deal breaker, but I dont want to lay down ultimatums until the health issues are dealt with.

[Eddie Edirol]

He's actually told me he would think it was rude if I faked interest in something to please him?

 

Anyways, I've talked to my mom and other people and plan on waiting until his medical issue is resolved (goes in for an endoscope on the 27th) and after that I will bring this all up very diplomatically and make sure he sees my stance on it. His negativity has a correlation with how his stomach feels, so that's the only reason I'm hoping it'll change. Do you all think this is a good idea? This type of attitude is definitely a deal breaker, but I dont want to lay down ultimatums until the health issues are dealt with.

 

I see his point, and I also think it is rude for you to fake interest in something to try to please him. He knows what youre not interested in, so asking questions doesnt gain you any points if youre faking. Thats what makes it rude. If youre not interested, you can move on to something else, you dont have to do the people pleasing routine on him. You think its thoughtful because thats what you want him to do for you, but thats not how he sees it, and thats not the type of guy he is.

 

I'm like him, I'm not a people pleaser, so i dont fake interest just to try to impress people, its dis-ingenuous, especially to your SO. Thats why he says he wont force you to go places youre not interested in. its more important that youre honest about what you really like than faking interest just to be with him. You dont need to spend THAT much time together. let him take one of his friends to his places unless you really want to know about it. And if he doesnt want to meet your friends, then its just a chemistry thing. I wonder about the point that someone else said about jealousy. if he hung out with you and your friends in the beginning, and doesnt want to now, then obviously he doesnt dig your friends and wants to stay away from them.

 

Like the others said, its not going to get better. he has no interest in your friends, maybe he doesnt want to be social, he never will. So start hanging with your friends without him and see how he likes it. thats all.

[maysj18]

I see his point, and I also think it is rude for you to fake interest in something to try to please him. He knows what youre not interested in, so asking questions doesnt gain you any points if youre faking. Thats what makes it rude. If youre not interested, you can move on to something else, you dont have to do the people pleasing routine on him. You think its thoughtful because thats what you want him to do for you, but thats not how he sees it, and thats not the type of guy he is.

 

I'm like him, I'm not a people pleaser, so i dont fake interest just to try to impress people, its dis-ingenuous, especially to your SO. Thats why he says he wont force you to go places youre not interested in. its more important that youre honest about what you really like than faking interest just to be with him. You dont need to spend THAT much time together. let him take one of his friends to his places unless you really want to know about it. And if he doesnt want to meet your friends, then its just a chemistry thing. I wonder about the point that someone else said about jealousy. if he hung out with you and your friends in the beginning, and doesnt want to now, then obviously he doesnt dig your friends and wants to stay away from them.

 

Like the others said, its not going to get better. he has no interest in your friends, maybe he doesnt want to be social, he never will. So start hanging with your friends without him and see how he likes it. thats all.

 

I don't see it as me being "fake", per say. I'm not putting on a front, being sarcastic, or kissing ass..I'm just trying to learn about him and what he likes to do. That doesn't mean I'm going to go to the garage with him every day, change my entire IPOD to the types of music he likes, pick up playing guitar, etc. It just means that if he invites me somewhere, I'm going to go and make the best of it and I expect the same from him. I do agree that we just have different views on that kind of stuff, though. I just need to lay it out for him and see if we can compromise.

[Kofybean]

... I could care less about motorcycle races, but that's what he likes to do...

... Do you guys agree that couples should step out of their comfort zone to make their partners happy every now and then?

 

I notice a common theme on almost all the female post here about their men...

 

1) I have a great amazing guy

2) He has a social quirk that I don't like

3) How can I control him to stop doing what he wants, and do what I want

 

Its the same exact story with all of them.

I am lost as to why such women simply can't let the guy do what he wants to do without trying to manipulate him to control him.

 

I can imagine the reasoning, "I'm not trying to control him, just make him do something I want him to do that he doesn't want to."

 

If you took "forcing him to meet my friends" out and put "forcing her to have anal sex" you will see that many people would be outraged a guy would try to force a woman to do something she was uncomfortable doing.

 

Anytime men manipulate woman, it is regarded as a crime. You are asking people to validate your feelings for that very thing.

 

If you look through my past post I have said before, and I will say it again, there is some biological gene in women that makes them feel they HAVE to change something about a guy no matter how perfect he may be.

 

... Anyways, I've talked to my mom and other people and plan on waiting until his medical issue is resolved (goes in for an endoscope on the 27th) and after that I will bring this all up very diplomatically and make sure he sees my stance on it.

 

It doesn't matter who you talked to, they aren't him, you are just trying to build a team of people against him, and then throw it on his lap... I garrauntee you he could fine twice as many people to take his side if he were so inclined to play that kind of game. If you pulled something like that on me, I'd break up with you (I have) and tell you go date your mom and those other people.

 

Hopefully he's a nice guy, as I am not.

Edited August 15, 2012 by Kofybean

[Leigh 87]

It may not be because he is just not that into you; there is a good chance he would be the same with any girl... That he would not just meet " the right girl" and suddenly feel lie meeting her friends. Your a pretty girl and sound clever enough, as well as kind and a good girl all around:)

 

It is most likely not you. In some cases, it takes guys like this, who genunely dislike speding time with their gf's friends, to get serious before they warm to it; as in, after a year or two, maybe he will just ease into it, seeing as he issuch a main fixture of your life.

 

My partner and I did not want to go showing each other to each others friends, we were only just seeing each other, and did not want people to comment about " where is Leigh" or vise versa, if we broke up....

 

If your otherwise very happy, why not tell him to compromise; once a month, to spend a night out with you and your good friends. Tell him it means a lot to you, that he at leasts OCCASIONALLY interacts with the people who matter most to you.

 

If he does not like meeting your friends, it may not be YOU, and compromising may be the ONLY thing that works.

I would NOT push him to at this stage, it is too early on to try to change a guy.... JUst tell him to compromise for now, and work on establishing yourt general relatioship.

[kaylan]

Of course partners need to step out of their comfort zone once in a while. That applies to both partners and within reason. I do not see anything unreasonable in your expectations for your partner. As I see it you are not putting enormous demands on him.

 

He does not sound nice at all. Other than the benefits he gets from the relationship he hardly seems interested in you and what drives you at all. Part of what interests you are your friends. The things they do. Dancing. Your religious beliefs. Etc.

 

The rest of his behaviors is simply a case of him "learning" how to respond to you. The problems you have "solved" are just a matter of him learning how to deal with you. That is why he leaves all the decision making to you. But note: whenever you do something that does not agree with him he will keep scores.

 

The "solutions" do nothing to change the underlying psychological dynamic inside him. That energy has to go somewhere and it is possible that it gets focused on making certain that he will not meet your friends. Soon enough it will be other things that he will not occasionally indulge in.

 

You are still in the early stages of your relationship. The time when it is easiest to fake genuineness or to truly think we are genuine. Blame the love hormones for that.

I agree with this. A good boyfriend, one who truly sees himself with his girl, will care about her interests and want to meet her friends and family.

 

This guy doesnt seem like hes much invested in you imo.