SpiralOut Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 This is a question my best friend of nearly 20 years asks me whenever I tell her stories about weird things people say to me or do around me. So I don't think I'm just imagining it all. By weird things I just mean saying or asking inappropriate things. For example, the last few men I went on dates with had serious anger problems. The last one spent our date complaining about how much he hates women who brag about being independent. He also asked me if I "feel excited about starting a family" and went on to explain how he thinks the world doesn't need any more children, blahblah. That's just an example. I've got more stories where that came from. I used to think it happens because of my poor boundaries. But I have improved my boundaries a lot. I have become much more assertive, sometimes I'm even aggressive (which I know isn't as good). Sure I'm not perfect but I don't think I have doormat written on my face. At least, I don't think so... ? I was told once, years ago when I volunteered for a crisis line, that there's something about me that makes people trust me. My supervisor told me that. She thinks I recieved a larger amount of high-crisis calls than other volunteers because I talk in a way that makes people feel safe about confessing things to me. Of course this was years ago, but I still attract people who like to tell me their problems when I don't know them too well. Maybe THIS is the quality about me that attracts bad behaviour from others? I really wish I could be more like my friend and not have these things happen. She's really blunt so maybe that's why nobody messes with her. Also, someone I thought was a friend was complaining to me and said that the only friends that matter to her don't even live in the same city. But I live in the same city. So basically I don't matter to her. I don't think she realized that she insulted me when she said that. It hurt my feelings. She has told me before she considers me to be a friend, but then she said that. I haven't bothered to invite her out since then. She can't even remember if I work full-time or part-time. She asked me that question twice now. Seriously, how could you call me a friend and not even know if I have a full-time job or not.
Garfish Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 (edited) That one guy you described at the beginning was probably a misogynist- the kind of guy who wants a submissive and obedient wife. Or maybe he was just hurt a lot and needs to get over it. It's not your responsibility to fix other people's anger!!! They shouldn't be expressing it to you in such a way when your just dating, but think of it this way, they are saving you time by eliminating themselves. Stay away from those angry guys! You need to keep your own personality and self respect intact! People may read you as non-judgmental and that's why they want to tell you things. Sometimes being non-judgmental or impartial is misread as being submissive or weak. You might also be a "nurturing" type. There is a difference though between these. Do you agree to things you don't want to do just to keep the peace? Do you find yourself saying yes a lot? Edited August 12, 2012 by Garfish
Garfish Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 I used to think it happens because of my poor boundaries. But I have improved my boundaries a lot. I have become much more assertive, sometimes I'm even aggressive (which I know isn't as good). Sure I'm not perfect but I don't think I have doormat written on my face. At least, I don't think so... ? Being aggressive can be good at times. It gets things done and saves time.
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