ImASadPanda Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Anyone please response - alone, cradling dog and laptop on floor in bathroom. I disappeared the past two weeks from here. I'm sorry. I disappointed you. I failed with no contact. Despite your wise words, support, and my effort. I was weak. I failed you all and myself. I knew, and many of you told me, I would only keep hurting myself like this. My dog has been sick this week. I got her when I had cancer, to keep me company while I was going through treatment and recovering at home 6 years ago. Promised I would always do anything for her to keep her safe... $10,000+ later in vet bills for a body-wide case of arthritis, that her own immune system started at 2 years old. I've kept my promise. I took her to the vet this morning. We were all blind-sided. She has a large mass in her chest, pressing on heart, airway, lungs... Makes sense all of a sudden why she has been sick, couching, throwing up, etc. this week. It's grown and now affecting airway and esophagus. I used to work for two veterinary specialty hospitals ... I know what this means ... I know the normal vet wants her to see a specialist. They want to do an ultrasound guided aspirate. To tell what it is for sure. Benign or not ... it's there, causing her problems. Options? Surgery - high risk due to location. Chemo - she already has systemic poly-arthritis. I've seen chemo ... in animals and my cousin, who died ... it's wreched. Quality of life? Icing on cake? Text the ex about her. Expect him to be here for me. Surprisingly, he is. He texts back caringly. Says he can come visit us tomorrow, he is in NJ. I text back ... "you are with her, aren't you?" I get a "yes, but I can call still if you need me to. I call. We talk about my dog for a few minutes. I'm crying, and lost ... Then I start wanting answers ... I knew it would be her, "Caitlin" ... we met her in April, at his best friends engagement party ... she is the maid of honor ... I knew then ... I saw it, that 6th sense told me This week I had the feeling again ... he was now seeing her. I knew ... and I was right. Now? Maybe days left with my security blanket of a pup ... Who will be there with me with my dog? How do I play God and decide? Why did it have to be "Caitlin" that he went to? Why so soon? Why lie? I asked him a few weeks ago, he lied. I knew, I've always known ... I always know these things ahead of time, no one believes me at the time ... but I know, then it happens. I creeps me out, I saw a friends pregnancy once, and miscarriage ... she called me when both instances occurred... I just know some things ... I didn't want to know about Caitlin. This is too much - it's like the day of the breakup ... all over again. God forced me to be alone, I literally couldn't find one friend local, home. God dumped that on me, and I have been trying to cope, failing. Then my precious, life saving dog, this morning, news I can't change, fix. Then two hours later, confirmation of "Bill" with that whore ... I knew, he didn't believe me then ... "she lives out of state", I was being "silly, jealous". His points were valid, but I was right. Now ... God is putting more on me, and I can't seem to find anyone today ... everyone is at a crabfest/party ... out of reach, gone. I'm alone. And I want to die. but the best I can do is cut to stop the pain. I haven't in over a year ... but I feel it's all I have left. I can't see a future past this ...
Author ImASadPanda Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 Thank you. I had to cut, I had to, it felt like I had to. I'm not a cutter by nature, never was growing up or anything. Was probably as close to the perfect child and student as you could get. It started 3 years ago, losing an important person in my life. I couldn't tolerate it. I don't feel like I fit the classic "cutter" stereotype ... it's an immediate reflief for me, all the same, but its words, not mindless cutting ... it was "Help" and "Alone" then, when he died. Last ex that cheated a ton, that I found out about Feb 2011, was "Fail" ... and this time earlier this year with this current ex it was "Try harder" (I needed to try harder to be what he wanted) and today now, again "Failed." Full spelling this time, I guess I upgraded? ha... no. I know its not funny. I can't be perfect I know that, but I try, and because I refuse to ruin my body with piercings or tattoos, these are my temporary badges of whatever is going on in my life. I couldn't even think a few hours ago in complete sentences while writing the first post. Now I feel calmer. I think of all the tattoos my brother has, the most recent, one behind his ear when dad died. I wish I could express pain like that but I can't ruin my body, mark it up ... so this is, only on few rare occassions, what I have felt pushed to do for relief so I don't do something else, and so its temporary and goes away after a few weeks without much to "ruin" my body afterwards. Light scarring that fades. I'm a complete idiot and I know Exit will ring my neck when she reads the next sentence, if she does, but I completely lost it, continued the texting from earlier with the ex, and berrated the him with text messages about this whore, and how I knew, and how selfish he is, that after a year of bitching at me to always drive to his house, 5 miles away, that he is driving all the way to NEW JERSEY to see that whore, how he broke a perfectly nice and happy girl, and ruined me. How I bent to his schedule every way I could because I was made to feel horrible about myself If i wasnt compliant ... but now I get this? And after the past few weeks of him saying he misses me still, blah blah blah. He couldn't have waited a week? God couldnt have pushed this back one week, not made me find out about him and her until AFTER I had to deal with my little puppy. I needed him to be here for me for this, I can't play God on my own and decide when to end her life ... but God makes a joke of it and rips everything out from underneath me again in one day taking the only thing I have like family away from me (the dog) and taking the one person I wanted to be there for me when I had to make the decision. I want him to hurt, and suffer, I have done nothing but hurt, and he has treated me like **** for a year, and told me how much I needed to be more of a mousy house wife type and make him feel like he hung the moon and that I didn't stroke his ego enough... I want him to hurt for stealing a year of my life away from me ... I knew exactly what I wanted a year ago, when he met me, before he met me, I was not broken, I was stable, I didnt have anxiety attacks, I wanted to start settling down, really throw myself into my career, build a life with a man that I loved, travel ... and now he stole all that from me and broke me down into whatever is left of me right now ... this is not who I was, I was happy, and beautiful inside and out and now I am a shell of a person, ashamed of my actions, pathetic for letting myself do this to myself over and over, and for STILL thinking I want him back, that I want the picture, and the house and the dog and everything we wanted together. I turned down a proposal once before, when I was 22 ... I wasn't ready, and the guy wasn't right ... and I saved us both from the wrong decision ... but I wanted it now, I was ready ... and because I couldn't figure out how to hold my tongue and be the wife from the 50's ... I lost what I wanted. My dog ... I will give her name ... I don't care who finds me out ... Reeses ... sweet little chocolate and tan dachshund ... I'm not even processing this with her still ... I think I spent the first half of the day in shock, I couldn't literally process it in my head ... then I had to take her back because her bloodwork came back horrible and they needed to recheck her glucose (low is 60, she came back at 52) ... she could die from this, so I took her right back and it had come back up a little since I force fed her ... he said I could keep her here at home since he knew I use to work at those two vet facilities, and I knew what I was monitoring her for... but everything that comes after this ... none of its good ... I've sat here crying, berating my ex with text from the me that he created, the hateful me, and I know half of those messages are out of anger towards him and the other half because I can't cope with Reeses right now and I am sure I am displacing that anger and hurt onto him. She is laying here, quiet for now ... she won't eat ... I know that's not good ... I know what all the signs are pointing to, and I don't know how to accept it, and accept my responsibility ... and I don't know that I am going to be ok on the other side of all this ... I was barely coping with just the break up ... I didn't think this morning when I found out about reeses that I would be ok on the other side of just the break up and the prognosis for my dog, add the girl he is seeing on top of it all, and I think no matter what, the day I have to put her down, I am going to lose it and end up in a hospital. I have felt myself bending, creaking, breaking ... I can feel the snap coming ... the pressure in my head ... I was perfectly sane, and happy, and goal oriented and wanted to start the next chapter of my life a year ago ... now I feel like the crazy girl, the crazy ex, the crazy co-worker who cant hold it together and wow, she is taking the death of her dog really badly ... Mina - why does your ex get to keep the dog? Why don't you get to keep her (or him)? You already lost something from that relationship, why can't she leave you with SOMETHING so you are not alone, you deserve something from all of this ... you can fight for your doggy ... I'll be online too tonight, and will probably need any communication I can find ... I feel alone and scared to reach out to friends here ... My head hurts, throbbing ... I wonder some days if I am going to give myself an aneurysm, ha ...
SoleMate Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Panda, I'm very sorry you're feeling so low. Please keep posting, let us know how we can support you.
Author ImASadPanda Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 Thank you ... I wish I knew how to be supported so I would know what to let you guys know you could do. Just feels like a spiral ... and I want out. I didn't choose this, none of us did, why are we forced to go through it.
Author ImASadPanda Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 It's ironic Mina, that your dog is a German Shepherd ... that was the dog my ex and I were starting to look at getting ... named it and everything. It makes sense what you say ... it would be unfair to Mina to be with you for a short time, then have to jump ship again to the ex, or someone else if the ex no longer wanted her. You are being selfless and caring about the dog, that's sweet of you, not knowing for sure what your life will allow or not a few years down the road. Me - Surprisingly I have been dealing with depression since I was 14 or so, my mom got very ill, and still is, and it was the parent/child switch of who was taking care of who ... when I got out from under that, I had cancer, got out from under that, a severe loss in my life, then the wreckage of relationships ... I thought I had seriously turned my life around the past 2 years, focused on volunteer work, getting the job I wanted (that now is killing me), getting all my girlfriends on track with doing things for other people (they were all still on mom and dads dime at 25-28 years old, and running around parties and galas like life was a game, I just happened to be the odd women out that worked for a living and didn't have the silver spoon in my mouth. So I almost mentored them ... gave them understanding and reason why they should be helping others and thankful daily for what they have in life that so many others dont. Everything was looking up, and I was happy with who I was becoming ... but these last two failed relationships in a row don't make me feel like I just have clutter that needs to be cleared away ... its making me feel like after all the crap I keep dealing with from 15 til 27 years old ... that God is trying to show me that I am not cut out to handle the normal stresses of life, that this was not my calling, and it was a mistake. Yes I try, but that when disaster hits me, I am not equipped to deal ... so removing that "clutter" is just starting to show me the rest of my "world" or that "room" you mentioned ... is more of the same, it will be a cage. Maybe pretty surroundings, but more disappointment, cheating, failing to meet the expectations I set for myself, and my dream of settling down by 30 is out the window, and i have disappointed my mom. It will forever stay stuck in my head that "if she didnt have a second child by 28, she would stop trying, she would be too old" ... that second child was me, and luckily I hit by 28 ... but now its stuck in my head that I have failed those marriage and childbearing metrics ... and she has jokingly said to me (I love her to death, she didnt mean to hurt me) "don't worry, I know I have to expect grandchildren from your brother (mind you who is 5 years OLDER)... I look at my arm, it hurts a little, like the rubber band test another poster started a thread about ... but more importantly, now with the blood wiped away, The scabbing, raised, red word screams out to me what my fear is, and hopefully will drive me to find the strenth for a new start in a few days or weeks... I don't expect this will be something I let heal right away, when Reeses has to go into the night, I know I'll be a wreck again and need the reminder...I just can't even think right now about her ... the shock is still keeping me from processing, how far do I go with more testing, how much pain do i put her through to find out more answers, how do I "let her go"... at home ... but then I have to deal with her sweet little body ... at a vet, but then I will refuse to let them mass bury or mass creamate her ... I know I want her, something personal ... but I can't think of having her ashes in my home, and no land is safe to bury her on, not even at my barn... it might be sold or subdivided one day ... I can't process her being gone ... what I will do when I come home with her collar, and her toys all here, her beds... do I get another dog afterwards to help me cope with everything going on, is it disrespectful, will I not love it, what kind of dog will i want, the same? Will that only hurt me to see another little her ... I just can't process, my brain is frozen or paralyzed or something... it just looks at her, here on the couch with me, and cannot imagine the first night in almost 7 years that she will not be laying here with me with I go to bed ... she wont be there, and my ex wont be there, and I will have nothing to comfort me
The Tallest One Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Hi Mina and SadPanda, I read both your threads and posts and try to keep up to date on what you two are going through. Mina, you are so younge and I don't mean any disrespect by this! You have no idea how your life will change, it will improve in ways you can't imagine at this point! You will have many ex's, not just this one, and you will have joy and love and amazing experiences, so be strong and let it happen! Panda, my heart braked for you! Your ex is a manchild! You don't even realize how much of a blessing having him out of your life is! He doesn't deserve you in any way and you can't see that! I have like the two of you, had my share of pain, terrible losses and things are still hard but it won't last for any of us! Panda, don't worry about age, I was 35 when my first son was born and 37 when my second son arrived! Age is just a number! God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so realize that you both will get through this! We have to be strong and take care of ourselves, put ourself first for a change! Life isn't perfect bit it's certainly not all doom and gloom! I just turned 43 this past thursday and I have learned that life is about ups and downs and learning to live life as best as you can. We also learn and grow more during the difficult timea than we do when things are smooth sailing! We are not alone and this one site alone shows us that! 2
sweetheart5381 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Hi Mina and SadPanda, I read both your threads and posts and try to keep up to date on what you two are going through. Mina, you are so younge and I don't mean any disrespect by this! You have no idea how your life will change, it will improve in ways you can't imagine at this point! You will have many ex's, not just this one, and you will have joy and love and amazing experiences, so be strong and let it happen! Panda, my heart braked for you! Your ex is a manchild! You don't even realize how much of a blessing having him out of your life is! He doesn't deserve you in any way and you can't see that! I have like the two of you, had my share of pain, terrible losses and things are still hard but it won't last for any of us! Panda, don't worry about age, I was 35 when my first son was born and 37 when my second son arrived! Age is just a number! God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so realize that you both will get through this! We have to be strong and take care of ourselves, put ourself first for a change! Life isn't perfect bit it's certainly not all doom and gloom! I just turned 43 this past thursday and I have learned that life is about ups and downs and learning to live life as best as you can. We also learn and grow more during the difficult timea than we do when things are smooth sailing! We are not alone and this one site alone shows us that! Excellent post and yes, life will keep going as it should. A broken heart is what I consider to be the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced. I have lost both of my parents and the pain from that was pretty awful, but a broken heart still felt worse. I am 37 btw. The hard times really do teach you how to be resourceful and resilient. Lessons learned the hard way are not forgotten easily. The good news is that this pain will stop. Not to be cliche, but life has a way of continuing to change and evolve and happiness can quite literally be right around the corner. Take care OP.
Exit Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Very sorry for the news about your dog, hopefully something can be done. I know it's even harder to deal with that now while everything else is happening. But I do feel like this is your 5th or 6th thread where you've come back and said "gee I'm still feeling absolutely terrible, and oh yeah I broke NC again". Nothing is going to change about this situation until the contact stops. Now you know he is already seeing someone else, so I hope you can stop now. If you say you have a supernatural sense to figure things out ahead of time then I wish you could have stopped sooner. It only hurts more once you realize they are with someone else. I think I've said all I can say to you about your situation. I don't like this road you're going down and I can't believe now this self made successful person in her 20s is saying she's going to start cutting over her breakup. I don't want to make an effort to help you if you are just going to harm yourself, and I don't like giving advice to someone so unstable and worrying if I just said something to make the feel even worse. I no longer care what excuses you made about what line of work you are in that prevents you from going to see a therapist because of security clearances and whatever else. You need to go. 2
M30USA Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Please don't cut yourself. Say these verses to yourself and it might help you. The worse thing to do is be alone. If you start feeling this way, please call someone and hang out or just sit with them even if you don't do anything. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and saves them. (Psalm 34:7) 1
Author ImASadPanda Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) Panda how are you doing? F*ed up. I don't even know what I was thinking yesterday, but I thought hanging out with the ex-ex (prior ex) would be a good idea since he was in town from New York ... oddly enough, we both went into it eyes wide open, I told him, look, I'll be honest, I am a basket case right now and you will end up playing therapist if I come pick you up to come over and keep me company/sane today. He agreed to it, and it's exactly what happened. It was somewhat helpful though, if only for the one day ... to have someone that has dated, hear everything, and tell me this guy is a whack-job and that I didn't do anything to deserve this ... knowing how it is to date me. He just helped empower me, which I know it's what we all try to do for each other ... but it helped for some reason, that when the ex (current) texted me to tell me (to annouce himself maybe?) that he would be calling me, but it would be later, and I actually had the balls to text back "Don't bother calling me at all." I knew it would only be short lived ... for the night. I woke up, or got up this morning, yes with him, but in a completely platonic way, he just held me and let me cry and talk literally all night, we never actually went to sleep... he let me slip in and out of rational and irrational thoughts and didn't judge, just held me and made me feel safe to say whatever I needed. But when the light came through the window, and I realized the night had ended, and we had to face the reality of a new day ... I was still laying there, and I just broke down again completely, and said i screwed up the night before telling my ex not to call and he was going to be so mad at me, and all that strength I had built up talking with my ex and actually having fun conversation even for a while that night, it all ended and slipped out as the dark faded away and the light took over my room. I took him back to his friend's house this morning, he is heading back to New York... well, should be on the train now. I'm happy we hung out, even though he is an ex that cheated on me ... that "chemistry" is still there that we were able to effortlessly have a good time and pick up like we have been hanging out everyday, even though we haven't seen each other for over a year, somehow not manage to screw it up and cross any lines, and that I also had my "friend" that I needed, to not judge me, and just hold me and let me let it all out for a while. My guess is that this was all some eff-ed up attempt on my part to gain traction in terms of "what the hell am I thinking still wanting my (current) ex" and have someone reinforce that, and hold me while he reinforced it, and I fought it, and cried, but he wasn't going to back down on it. Then ... I have kept repeating my normal effed up cycle of crying all morning now ... looking at facebook, trying to make sense of this, why I lost my "strength" in a matter of hours ... and why I felt perfectly at ease telling him I wanted to feel the quiet, peaceful silence that I am sure death provides just before it settles in...and it not scare him to hear me say it. I think I was as close as I could get to it last night, that peace ... in moments where I just laid there ... still being held ... but everything was silent, nothing was moving, hearing our breathing, and almost losing myself in a stare into nothingness, into the dark ... like I could slip away that moment, and it's what it probably would feel like just before death takes hold of a person. How are you doing Mina? How was your weekend? What did you do? Any progress? Any hopeful thoughts. I hope that you did have good thoughts, at least one this weekend. You deserve it. Edited to add: but even though I have been a mess all morning still, I didn't reach out to my ex or retract my statement or say that I was sorry and didn't mean it when I said "Don't bother calling at all." I'm still a mess, but its a step, even if its just today. Edited August 13, 2012 by ImASadPanda
Author ImASadPanda Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Well thats good you told him not to call. You're starting to get through this. Its a long process. Me? My weekend was filled with me moping around the house, holding the dog a lot. I'm still only getting about an hour and a half of sleep a night, and that's filled with nightmares about my ex. I'm starting to revert back to the fairly emotionless state I was before I dated my ex, which means I'm subconsciously repressing my emotions, which is a VERY bad thing for me. That's a big dog to hold! (It's the breed I wanted to get next, amazing animals...) I understand the sleep deprivation ... have you tried the over the counter stuff at all? Or Nyquil? It's not the best suggestion, but it helped at some point for a brief period. Even if it only gives you a night of sleep ... maybe a good shot of Nyquil is worth a try? Otherwise, I invite you to stay up all week with me on the Shark Week marathon I assume will ensue this week. One bright spot this week if you are a shark enthusiast too. Nightmares are horrible I don't have any suggestion or help to offer for that other than my commiseration. What do you dream about or can you remember? It sounds like you know that the repression of emotions is a bad thing for you due to experience ... do you talk to a therapist or anyone else other than this board? Wondering if there is someone that you can talk to in person, that actually allows you to express emotions that can help you keep them alive rather than regressing to repressing them again? I don't know why I am in a quasi-calm state at the moment, so take this "advice" for what it's worth, which maybe nothing at all ... but I hit some strange "understanding" of something today ... why I realized last night/this morning with my ex was so impactful ... it was the first time that my *feelings* my *emotions* were REAL since the breakup ... I had been keeping things to myself, talking on this board, or ONLY texting with a few friends about stuff ... but that I had not been allowed to interact, live, in person, with someone else, where the pain, the suffering, the anger, anything I felt was validated, and acknowledge as "real" ... as actually existing, and for whatever that time with my ex was worth ... it was the first time it was real ... whether how I felt or what I said was right or wrong or crazy ... it didn't matter ... I was HEARD for the first time, so it was real to me now, and it was real to someone else. SO ... I am wondering ... if you have a LIVE person you can talk to, a friend, family, therapist, STRANGER (who better to be crazy to then a stranger on a subway you will never see again, lol, not really, but kinda) ... but maybe if you have someone to tell all this to, the dreams, the fear that you are slipping into emotionless state again, the angst over Mina ... that maybe you talking about it will help you keep the feelings and your emotions "real" and keep you from slipping into that state of repression again? We all talk online, and in texts and IMs... but we can fake emotion almost ... without actually feeling it ... so maybe if you are not getting to express emotions for real, your body and mind are going to stop using them in a daily, normal fashion that keeps your emotions in tact? Telling someone in person about all those feelings maybe will keep you here, and not let you slip back to there? And that could all be random rambling ... but it made sense when I started the thought ... but we can all question my ability to maintain a thought stream these days ... I hope maybe something in that made sense or could be a helpful suggestion...
SpiderxMan Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 We are here for you panda, I'll save a prayer for you. GOD is good to all his children. =)
Recommended Posts