Do I put in the effort to make it work, or is it all ready doomed?

[NinjaBox]

Hello all, I'm a very new member and I was hoping to get some input from experienced others, if you would be as kind.

 

Before I say anything else, I am fully braced for the responses to be filled with doubt of my relationship. I am very young and not yet fully matured, but I believe I could be well on my way. Now, to my situation. . .

 

I have been dating a wonderful boy for roughly 9 months now, having met him online. We are both at the age of 14, yes, most likely too young to even consider a relationship, definetly a LDR/Online relationship. Yet we took the chance anyway. We hoped that we could last at least a few weeks.

 

At the begining, we acted much like we had used to act around eachother, as just casual friends, only with that extra connection we could both sense. As time went on, we slowly developed stronger feelings for eachother, as relationships do. We would have very decent conversations every day, every minute we could. We messed around with jokes. We'd tell eachother our problems and we'd be there to comfort one another. . .

 

We had built our love slowly and oh-so carefully. All odds were against us that we would last, but we didn't care. We were very happy with eachother. And that happines lasted for about 7 months, which by this time we were now mainly communicating over the phone. . . This is when it began to get rocky.

 

Now, let me say that my boyfriend was and is very wise for his age. He is amazing and goes so far out of his way to make me happy. He's everything I could have possibly wanted. I'd get giddy and such at the mere thought of him. But, once we hit 7 months, something changed, for no apparent reason. My giddiness and affection for him had dropped. I didn't understand why; everything about us was still the same as it once was. Confused, I fell back on science for an explanation, and sure enough the chemicals which cause those love-high feelings typically do fade down after a few months of a relationship. I had became depressed and longed for our once happy days to return. I had questioned him if he was having the same troubles, but he responded that he was still happy as ever.

 

Things continued like that for a while, and I got used to not being able to catch that amazing giddy feeling anymore. I now was somewhat. . . More peaceful with him than anything. Not exactly content, but, not as emotionally unbalanced, either. I decided I didn't like it. I tried as hard as I could to bring the sensations back, yet to no avail. I would however manage to on occasion grasp those old feelings once more, despite them being short lived.

 

Then came two weeks of pure Hell. My anxiety and depression spiked dramaticly. I had severe anxiety attacks on a daily baisis. I would go blind, lose the ability to move my arms, and pass out among other things. When this began to end, though, and I went back on with my normal life, I noticed not only were my general feelings of happines occuring even less often around my love, but I'd now often get upset at the thought of us breaking up. There was a constant feeling that I needed to leave him, and I hated it. I'd cry in pain all night and all morning, the feeling wouldn't leave me alone. Why would I leave him? We got along wonderfully, and I still loved him very much. I could see no reason why I'd have this constant feeling, or how I could deminish or dissmiss it.

 

And now, here I am, completely at a loss. I love him completely and unconditionally, and he feels the same. It's just these heartbreaking feelings that have manifested themselves into me that I cannot remove. I don't want to ruin our relationship by doing something I'll regret, yet. . . It may or may not all ready be ruined.

 

 

 

All I need is a little hope. If there's even just the smallest, most impractical sliver of hope, I can and will put all of my being into figuring this out and making us work. Scientificly, emotionally, psycologicly, spiritually, truthfully, and logically. I just need one sign of hope that this is a phase and will pass, and that we'll be stronger in the end.

 

Thank you. <3

[YumYum_DimSum]

Hello Ninja,

 

I think that a lot of people would agree with me and say that LDR (Long Distance Relationships) are just as hard or even more so than a short distance relationship. A lot of people may go in feeling that they'll make it through somehow, whether that be through email, messenger, phone, texting, webcams, ect. Nobody truly knows how hard it really is until they've tried it. Everything you say can only be spoken or written and without the physical aspect of emotional bonding to our loved one, it is hard to maintain our feelings. Yes I believe you still love this person very unconditionally and that he feels the same, but something is different isn't it? Something's changed? Perhaps you've gotten bored or so used to the relationship because of it's repetitiveness. Whereas, if there was a physical aspect to it, the boredom would cease to exist. When we meet someone online, it's easy to fall for them because there is no place for the human mind to judge. Naturally, ( some people more than others) upon first glimpse of a person will "size" them up in some categories, physical appearance being the first. With a LDR, you may get a picture, but not after learning about this person and their personality first. He is most likely in your mind a perfect boyfriend. That's because you've gotten to know him first before you could judge or rate/size up. What I suggest you do is if you continue having these unending questionable feelings, then perhaps some space would be best for the two of you. Remember that you are young and there are many more possibilities for love out there, including closer to home as opposed to miles away. LDR takes a special kind of committment and focus and it's still even hard for some adults to manage, so congratulate yourself for at making it 7 months.

[NinjaBox]

Hello, again. . .

 

I'm here again to say that I those dreadful feelings were correct. I somehow was able to accurately sense something indeed was wrong.

 

He's left me 3 days ago. Today, we would've been together 10 months.

 

He says that he had stopped loving me a while back.

" How long ago? "

" I don't know. 2 months? "

 

2 months. That's exactly when I got these feelings. He's been lying, saying he still loves me. . . soon after I had posted that, he had began to start ignoring me, and making excuses for not talking to me. There were no more of out past lovey-dovey moments. Of course, being the rash person I am, I only got clingier and more desperate. He says this creeped him out. . . I wish I would've known just what I was doing. Making us even worse.

 

This is how we broke up. This is how that dreaded conversation started.

I brought all of his strange behavior up. He responded shortly and defensively, saying things like "I don't know" a lot.

 

So I asked him.

 

"Do you love me?"

 

"As a friend."

 

And it all went downhill from there.

 

I've tried to work this out with him since then, but he really doen't want to discuss it. He keeps pushing me away. Then he gets annoyed with me and tells me to drop it, but I simply couldn't help myself. He's said that there's still a chance in the future, but. . . I'm afraid he's only told me this to get me to shut up. . .

 

I'm not sure what to do now. At all. I still do truely love him, so, so much. Maybe I am obsessing over this, but I just. . . have to. I really want to know how to get him back. I want to know how to redeem myself from this. To get him to see I've changed. . . maybe then, he'll come back. . .

[PepperPotts]

I'm gonna try to keep this super succinct. Numbered list it is!

 

1. I've discussed this general concept with friends before, and we all think that shine wears off of a relationship around the sixth month mark. That's when you start seeing the other person as an actual person, instead of a magical unicorn. This is your make it or break it moment-- When the shine wears off, are the flaws things you can deal with, or are they things you hope change? If you can deal, stay. If you can't, get out.

 

2. Your severe anxiety attacks are not normal, especially for someone of your age. You should really see a doctor. This could be nothing, or it could be a symptom of a hormonal or chemical imbalance. Don't let it get out of hand. If you can't see a doctor, please talk to the guidance counselor at your school.

 

3. There are two schools of thought on LDRs in high school:

a. They're a fantastic idea because they allow you to explore being in a

relationship without as many physical and social pressures.

b. They don't allow you to fully develop your relationship skills because you

*don't* have those pressures.

 

You need to decide how this relationship made you feel, and how the long distance aspect of it affected you. In general, my feeling is always that LDRs only work if they are an *absolute necessity.*

 

4. As a fourteen year old, your time is better spent focusing on you than focusing on relationships. Become the best version of yourself you can be, and focus on school, your future, and volunteering. You'll have more to give to another person when you're older if you start working now.

 

5. You need to let him go. You cannot change yourself for another person, especially not at this age. People can safely change behaviors-- you can stop putting the toilet paper roll on the "wrong way," you can avoid situations that cause trust problems, and you can try a new hobby that the other person likes. But you can't change *yourself.* You like what you like and you are who you are. You can pretend, but the real you will *always come out eventually.* Trying to hide her leads to resentment, and leads to a major and scary blow up when she finally comes out (and she ALWAYS does!). You won't be the girl your guy thought he was dating, and then it's over anyway. Find someone who's right for *you* instead of trying to turn yourself into the right girl for someone else.

 

6. Unconditional love is something that exists naturally only in parent-child relationships. When you enter into a relationship with someone, chemicals and compatibility create lust and infatuation. Those aren't love. Love grows with time, respect, caring, and a genuine *like* of the other person. That snap you felt at seven months was your cue that it wasn't exactly love. You wanted the infatuation back, but that's gone now. If it was love, that snap would have been kind of disturbing, but you would have shaken it off as your growing true joy for being with *the real him* rebounded. That didn't happen-- you just got nervous and scared.

 

My point is, unconditional love is earned with time and respect. You didn't have that here. Unconditional love takes a long time to build. It means he says he doesn't love you and you allow him to re-earn your trust after he apologizes and asks for forgiveness. You unconditionally give him another chance when he endeavors to earn it. If you're at the point where him saying "I don't really love you" and ignoring you means *maybe he'll change and love you anyway if you just change yourself enough,*that's not love.

 

The infatuation is gone, OP... as much as it sucks, it's time to move on. I am sorry that you have to go through this, but you are incredibly young, and you still have plenty of time to grow as a person. Wait to become *that attached* to someone until you get to college and you *meet the right guy.* Guard your heart until you find the right one!

[NinjaBox]

. . . Okay.

 

While I really don't want to believe you. . . a part of me agrees. That I should move on.

 

I probably haven't experienced love yet. Or maybe I have? I'm still very confused on what to do exactly.

 

I'm aware that I'm in denial, still. I find myself unpurpously daydreaming of us, and him. I know I really shouldn't, but, It. . . makes me feel better, and it's unintentional. A habit.

 

And I've been thinking, now that I've cooled down some, about whether I loved him,or the feeling of being in love. I actually get into little arguments and debates over this with myself. ;;

 

 

Then, also, another part of me wishes to challenge your points. The scientific and psychological side of me.

I've had an adamant passion and devotion towards science for as long as I could remember. I just need to know why things happen.

And so, I research.

Books, scientific journals, internal and external resourses, teachers, you name it. . . the stuff I'm about to explain is all off memory, so I apologize in advance for spelling errors.

 

I've read on the actual scientific process of falling in love, which, sadly, counters the theory of "true love" and such. It does, however, support the concept of "love at first site", as demonstrated below.

 

The feeling of attraction commonly known as love is developed when the subject in question passes a series of unconscious 'tests', of sorts. Neurological transmitters click into place every time a human presents a certain trait. If these transmitters happen to click in just the right sequence, chemicals such as vassopressin and dopimine (the 'motivation' chemical) are released, and you fall in love. This only takes 1/3, 66%, of a second to occur.

 

However, this sequence does change. This explains why peoples' tastes and preferences in possible mates change every now and then.

 

Looking at my situation from this scientific point of view, I can see that I no longer matched up with his sequence. Either I changed, or his sequence did. I have reason to believe that I was the one who changed, for even before my odd feelings, I was begining to get clingier and not myself. . . although, I'm not sure.

I guess the real problem here is that I do not know which came first. My changes, or the odd gut feeling.

 

Oh, something else explaining gut feelings; The majority of your descisions are made by your subconsiousness. Gut feelings and hunches are the feelings you get when after your subconsious sorts out all the data it recives and analyzises it, and then decides that the situation is not good. So, it alerts you.

 

. . . Okay, okay, sorry, I see I'm rambling. xD

 

Maybe I should just stop obsessing over this and let what happens happen? Or would I later feel regret for not doing anything?

Or maybe my OCD will decide for me?

 

 

I must seem very immature right now. Sorry. D:

 

(( Oh, and I did see a doctor, don't worry. While I do have anxiety, it turned out that those anxiety attacks weren't really anxiety at all. They were POTS attacks. And, so, I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrom. . . and for whatever messed up reason, I'm proud of it! ))

[PepperPotts]

I'm glad you've been to a doctor, and that you've been diagnosed. And I'm not really sure what you mean by being proud of it, but I can definitely see where you would be relieved with that diagnosis. If there's something physical causing how you feel, that kind of legitimizes it (not that there's anything illegitimate about anxiety disorders!!!). What I mean is, since you're super into science and everything happening for a reason, instead of having a disorder where you can't control your feelings, the symptoms you were experiencing were caused by a definite and identifiable physical condition.

 

And I think you need to do what feels right to you. My instinct is that you're in love with the idea of being in love, and you're fantasizing about the nice parts of it to forget the bad. You're fourteen. You've got a lot of time ahead of you to find what works for you.

 

My instinct is also that you will eventually need to separate science from love. Science can say whatever it wants to and scientists can try their hardest to boil love down to a precise mixture of chemicals, but love really happens in the soul-- it's a meeting of minds and personalities, and while pheromones and brain structure play a factor in its creation, they don't control it. You can't explain it, and you're better off to learn how to deal with it socially, through experience. Allow yourself to experience it-- but don't allow it to become a scientific experiment! That's super unromantic... Which would you prefer-- a guy who comes up to you and blandly says "we should date because our dopamine levels are similar" or a guy who smiles at you and says "so, I think you're kind of cute, and I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me?"

[NinjaBox]

xD When I say I'm proud of it, I mean that I for some reason always want to go and brag about it. Not sure why. Maybe I should research it.

 

-Nods- I see what you mean. . . your instinct is spot on.

I may also be clinging on in desperation because I believe he very well may be the best I could get. ;;

Also, I'm not entirely sure what feels right to me right now. I've had so much going on, dealing with health, school, and now relationship difficulties, I can hardly think straight.

I'll give myself some more time to sort things out.

 

And. . . point taken, about the science~love subject.

 

. . .

 

DOPAMINE LEVELS GUY

[PepperPotts]

Lol, as soon as I posted I thought, "Actually she'd be super excited about the dopamine thing."

 

Let me rephrase-- you want a guy who says you're super cute and then, on your first date, says "You know, our dopamine levels must be really in sync."

 

And I cannot stress enough that you should focus on yourself right now. If you wanna date, date. But high school isn't the time for serious relationship-- it's the time to work on yourself and be the best you can be.

 

Everything's looking up, sweetheart! It'll all be ok

[NinjaBox]

Heya, I just wanna say thanks. <3

 

I've tried talking to him normally, like a friend, for a couple of days now. When I saw he was still kinda brushing me off, I stopped texting and just let him be.

 

I've been focusing on my homework a lot more lately, too. I've been meditating using hyponagic imagery ((Spelling?)) just before I fall asleep, and I've been feeling much more collected than before.

 

But, at the same time, I'm slowly begining to forget all of his poor qualities and remembering all of the things I love about him. D<

 

Stupid human psycology.