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Ex H wants to try again after we're already divorce...

tryingtofindmyway24

By tryingtofindmyway24
in Separation and Divorce

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tryingtofindmyway24 Established Member

tryingtofindmyway24

Posted
Posted

My story is long, but I will give the short version. Thank you for reading

 

My ex H and I just finalized our divorce 5 months ago and he recently told me that he still loves me in fact he never fell out of love with me.

 

Here's the story....a little over a 1 1/2 yr. ago ex H came out of nowhere and said he wants a divorce. There were no signs of infidelity at this particular time, but questions always rose about him being unfaithful to the marriage.

He told me that he wants us to try and be friends, but he currently has a gf that has two kids that are not his. We never had kids or shall I say had the chance to have kids. He told me that he would leave her if I can tell him definitely that we will get back together. I told him that I do not know what the future holds, but anything is possible. Then, he said he would have been left her, but due to her kids he feels obligated to stay and I really don't understand that. Her kids are 9 and 11 he has only know them for a year now. The kids know that he is not their father that actually still spends summer vacation with their dad. So of course they are old enough to understand what is going on should my ex H decides to leave.

 

My ex H and her 2 kids moved down here and currently lives in the house that ex H and I used to live in. She and her kids moved in with him about 7-8 months ago and he has known her for as long and him and I had known each other. My ex H was my high-school sweetheart I still love him dearly. I've known him since I was the age of 15yrs and he was 17yrs old. He met the girl that is currently his gf when he was 19yrs old. He told me back then that she really liked him, but he wanted to be with me so he and I got married when I turned 19yrs and he was 21yrs.

 

We never had pre-martial counseling or any martial counseling and I feel that I was forced in the divorce because of this reason. I know we did not do everything that we should have done to save our marriage. I fought and fought, but he did not want to be married to me he wanted out. I told him that he was making a rash decision and he would regret this later. Ex H assured me that he wasn't because he had thought about leaving me for a few months and begged me to divorce him.

 

I finally gave him what he wanted after 4yrs of marriage and fighting to save our marriage for 1yr we finally got divorced. Now ex H has expressed to me how heartfully sorry he is and that he regrets ever leaving me and us being divorced. He told me that he wishes he can go back 1 year and 5 months and he would have fought as hard as I did for the marriage also.

 

I think my ex H was having a G.I.G.S moment and now that he has seen what else is out the he told me that he had already had "THE ONE" which was me. I never wanted to divorce him and he knew this I at least wanted to be separated at first. I want him back also I still am in love with him he still loves me very much. He sneaks out the house with her to be with me, but I told him he would have to leave her if he ever wanted to give us a chance to even think about trying at it again. He told me that he wants to have kids with me and he will try to get me pregnant. Then he can leave his gf because he got his ex H pregnant. It's like he needs a justifiable reason to leave. I have a whole lot to say, but I'll reply to the comments. Thank you for your advice.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
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You're kidding.... right?

 

In order for him to really prove to you he wants to try again, he has to completely end this relationship with this other woman, get her to move away and have nothing more to do with her ever again.

No ifs buts or maybes.

 

His only reason to leave her, is that he is completely committed to you, already, without a child on the way.

And he has to close down his life with her, totally and utterly, before he can even begin to think about wooing you back.

 

And he will have to win you back. From scratch. Like day one.

Walk the talk.

Action not words.

 

This guy is so unreal, I can't even believe i'm replying to this....:confused::rolleyes:

 

As far as i would be concerned, no matter how much I loved him, the answer would be an emphatic, resounding, definitive, absolute and unequivocal NO.

  • Like 8
Peanut9330 Established Member

Peanut9330

Posted
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You're kidding.... right?

 

In order for him to really prove to you he wants to try again, he has to completely end this relationship with this other woman, get her to move away and have nothing more to do with her ever again.

No ifs buts or maybes.

 

His only reason to leave her, is that he is completely committed to you, already, without a child on the way.

And he has to close down his life with her, totally and utterly, before he can even begin to think about wooing you back.

 

And he will have to win you back. From scratch. Like day one.

Walk the talk.

Action not words.

 

This guy is so unreal, I can't even believe i'm replying to this....:confused::rolleyes:

 

As far as i would be concerned, no matter how much I loved him, the answer would be an emphatic, resounding, definitive, absolute and unequivocal NO.

 

 

I couldnt agree more in order for him to show you he really cares he needs to leave this other woman. He sounds like a man who has issues with being by himself, so he jumps form one relationship to the next. You need to tell him that the only way he has a chance of getting you back is by leaving her and showing you how much he cares. Just reading this makes my blood boil what a selfish jerk he left you and is with someone else and he needs a GUARANTEE from you. If any man would ever say anything like that to me I would walk away. Please don't take him back under those circumstances he walked away from you and if he wants you back he has to work for it.

  • Like 4
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tryingtofindmyway24 Established Member

tryingtofindmyway24

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I couldnt agree more in order for him to show you he really cares he needs to leave this other woman. He sounds like a man who has issues with being by himself, so he jumps form one relationship to the next. You need to tell him that the only way he has a chance of getting you back is by leaving her and showing you how much he cares. Just reading this makes my blood boil what a selfish jerk he left you and is with someone else and he needs a GUARANTEE from you. If any man would ever say anything like that to me I would walk away. Please don't take him back under those circumstances he walked away from you and if he wants you back he has to work for it.

 

I totally agree with the both of you. It sounds so surreal because now I find myself having these repressed freelings come back for him and I worked so hard to move on in life without him to the point where I am at. I hate that we are not together and no one or myself would have ever believed in a millions years that we are divorced thats the type of couple we were. I need someone to talk to because I am starting to be puddy in his hands and I do not want to be like this. I have patience as far as things working themselves out and us being friends. It is so hard that to accept the fact that he goes home to her, but tells me he loves me and wishes things were different.

 

I told him well they can be different if he changes his situation. I recently got out of a 1yr relationship with my rebound bf and the whole time I was with him I was still very much in love with my ex H. That led to several arguments between rebound bf and I, but I really just could not stand the thought of being with anyone other than my ex H.

 

I have this feeling of he is my one and if I am not with him then I will not be truly happy. Of course I can become happy over the years, but I was content and very happy with him. I dont know what to do. I pray for answers and I know that all things happen for a reason. I just regret no fighting for him as hard as I could have instead of giving in and divorcing him. I wish I would have did the separation first like I wanted to do, but at the time he told me that there was no way he would ever come back to me so separation was not an option for him only divorce and now I'm mad because I told him that this would happen.

 

Now my world is turned around because just as I let him go officially. He tells me that he is sorry and regrets everything and wishes that we were still married. I'd rather have him in my life as a friend. Then not at all because thats how much I love him sounds crazy, but I know I was sure about him its in my heart.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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Now my world is turned around because just as I let him go officially. He tells me that he is sorry and regrets everything and wishes that we were still married. I'd rather have him in my life as a friend. Then not at all because thats how much I love him sounds crazy, but I know I was sure about him its in my heart.

 

He could be reacting to the fact he realized you were moving on and not pining after him again and throw in that life isn't what he thought it was going to be with her..And her kids.

 

DO NOT get back with him until they are done and she's moved out of the house and he's had time alone for at least 6 months or more. Right now, it's cheating. Something he may have done in your marriage (why else was he so adament about divorcing??) so this guy needs to be ALONE and have no women in his life so he can fix himself, do counselling.

  • Like 3
TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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While I understand how deeply your feelings for him must run, I cannot agree that you didn't fight hard enough for him - you probably did everything you could - and then some - but it takes 2 to make a go of it, and clearly, he was absolutely not prepared to even consider playing ball.

now - he wants back in.

don't be so weak that you spend the remainder of your life dancing to the tune of his indecisiveness.

 

does this other woman have any inkling of what he's thinking?

Has he been open, honest and up-front with her?

Does she know he's about to blow her security out of the water?

What about her kids - he must have formed a relationship with them too... how are they going to react to this?

See, when we throw a stone in the water, we muddy the pool and create ripples...

 

Remember two of the wisest and truest sayings i have ever come across:

"It's the person who cares the least, who controls the most."

 

The one person's happiness he seems to care about the most, in all of this - are his own.

Has he faced up to his responsibility and the consequences of his actions?

Are you happy to consider taking a man back who seems on the face of it, quite content to disrupt other peoples' lives?

 

would your conscience be clear, insofar as the treatment of this other woman would be at his hands....?.

 

"Don't settle for being an option when you should be the priority"

 

His determination to begin a new relationship with you - BEFORE he ceases seeing this other woman - is manipulative and deceptive.

Basically, he's telling you he would be prepared to live a lie in order to subsequently hurt her.

Are you comfortable with that attitude?

It would mean you being party to the entire deception.

Are you happy to compromise your principles for something he is incapable of guaranteeing?

 

And he IS incapable - he crushed your heart, life and future under his heel before - and now he's about to do it to her....

 

how trustworthy is he?

 

Love him by all means - but run your life through the emotional wringer, for him, all over again, for.... what?

 

Really?

 

Is this healthy?

Is this SANE -?

  • Like 5
Brightmoon Established Member

Brightmoon

Posted
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He made you his wife and then his BS and now you are about to become his OW!!. Perhaps (more than likely) he will need another OW if you become his wife again.

 

Also, conceiving a child in order to be his ticket out of his present relationship is all wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong. You do wonder how much compassion/understanding he has for the kids that he is currently with. Kids make bonds quickly and the year he has been in their lives is significant, even though he dismisses it. He is contemplating just dumping them and whatever stability they have in their present situation.

 

It must be so difficult for you as this is the guy you love. You explained how deeply you feel about him. I just hope that somehow you are able to let go fully until has proved that he can truly think about anyone but himself.

  • Like 3
KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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This guy is screwed up. And immature and confused. You'd be foolish to take him up on this "offer".

LadyGrey Established Member

LadyGrey

Posted
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Congratulations, you are now the OW. :( You said you suspected he cheated on you, with what he is doing now, cheating on his g/f he is clearly showing you that he IS that man now and probably was with you too. You can excuse it if you'd like, make it justifiable in your mind because you want to believe that he is your only love and you had him first but you are helping to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.. What you really have is a messed up man on your hands who is enjoying the attention and the proclamations of love from you meanwhile keeping his g/f in the dark while he eats cake with two women. He has you right where he wants you to be. Oh pleaseeee give me a break here, he can't leave his g/f, that is utter bs, and he has you buying it.

 

If he really loved you, like you want him to, he'd would have left already. Be brave.........I dare you, tell him to prove it. He leaves or you are out. If you can't do, you can expect more shoddy treatment because he knows he can get away with it.

  • Like 3
Brightmoon Established Member

Brightmoon

Posted
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He's running away from her, not running back to you.

  • Like 1
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