Dumper reassures he's not dating. Why????

[whatdoesntkillyou]

Hey all,

 

Here's my story, it's a little bit bizarre to me at the moment and your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

 

First of all, we're a gay couple. It's not very different to heterosexual relationships, but with an extra layer of complexity, which I will talk about below.

 

We have been broken up for just over 4 weeks now, with limited contact. The break-up was amicable and fairly mutual (more below).

 

---- LONG BACKGROUND – skip if you can’t be bothered reading ☺ ----

 

My ex is 22, in his last year of university and I am 25, just started working. This was the first serious relationship for both of us. It lasted for 4 months and were very much in love with each other.

 

In May I was offered a very good career opportunity in a town 200 miles away starting in January 2013 for 12 months - it would meant that we could only see each other on weekends, if that. He was very supportive of my applying but was secretly quite devastated (he told me later). Soon after that he started to emotionally withdraw himself. When I confronted him about it he said he was going to get hurt if he committed himself, because I had to leave next year. I begged him to stay and that we would try our best to make it work and he agreed. He realised how precious our relationship was and he promised to try 100%. His actions after that did reflect his words!

 

He came out to his (very christian) parents (who were disapproving but supportive) when we began the relationship and thought it would solve his problems - it didn't. Being very religious all his life he was struggling to come to terms with his sexuality and religion - even though he had been regularly sexually active with men since he was 19. He joined some support organisations to meet similar people. Then in early July, I went away for work with limited communication, he had a very difficult time not being able to contact me. Meanwhile, I told him that I could see dating him for a very long time - and I think this gave him a lot of pressure and added to his anxieties. This is something that I regretted. Apart from that, I believe I was very considerate and always put his needs ahead of mine.

 

4 weeks ago, after having the most wonderful date, my Ex became very pensive and told me that he was scared he would hurt me in January because he could not see himself being able to commit beyond the end of the year. This, on top of his religious struggles, and the fact that he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, AND that I inadvertently gave him commitment pressures, made my Ex very stressed. He said that he couldn’t maintain a relationship AND figure himself out. He said being single was more to do with reconciling with his religion, and he did not want to date anybody. I reluctantly agreed to giving him the space he needed. It was a very, very difficult thing for me to let go- especially when we were in love with one another. (He reassured me he was in love with me.)

----End of Background----

 

Over the 4 weeks of break-up we had very little communication – text, facebook, and two very short phone calls. I had initiated about 1/2 of them– no more than 2 times a week after 1st week. But I constantly facebook stalked him and he seemed to be having a lot of fun meeting people, going out. I thought he really only wanted to date around and the religious aspect was just an excuse for the BU. Without me asking, he reassured me he didn’t want to date. I didn’t know whether to believe him or not.

 

Last weekend I went out with an ex-lover of mine (as friends) and was tagged in some photos on Facebook. Nothing intimate, just party shots. My Ex talked to me a few times this week via Facebook, bringing up very innocuous and random things, but he alluded to seeing my party photos. I didn’t give anything away, and I didn’t want to talk too much because I wasn’t ready. So I gave him polite, but brief responses that didn’t tell very much.

 

2 days ago (and about four weeks post BU) my Ex suddenly messaged me, telling me that he was adding a gay friend of mine on facebook, and again reassured me he was happy not dating, and that I shouldn’t read into it. I pointed out that I noticed him also befriending on Facebook someone my Ex dated briefly before (but deleted him because I didn't like that person). My Ex was surprised I noticed because he had hidden the fact on Facebook only earlier that night. He then said something quite defensive and implausible (ran into each other because the other person’s car had broken down on the side of the road. I mean, Come on!) – and thereafter my Ex and ther person became friends again. My ex again emphasized that he didn’t have time for dating and he was happy not dating. I told him he could do whatever he wants, and that I have made peace with the situation. He reassured me he wanted to stay true to the reason of why we broke up. My ex then asked me how I was after the break up. I didn’t want give away too much again, I just said that I kept busy. In between Ex also told me a lot about what he was doing with his life, and so on, and that he was happy.

 

The conversation left me quite confused of his intentions. He was the one who couldn’t commit and wanted to figure things out – probably wishing to date around again. Yet he kept on emphasizing the fact that he didn’t want to date.

 

I see 4 possibilities:

 

1. He is trying to check if I have moved on – but he should know I still have feelings for him. I told him repeatedly during the first week of BU that I would really want us to date again one day.

2. He is trying to keep me interested – but why? Isn’t the whole point of the break-up is because he was suffocating and wanted space? He is a good catch and could find someone else without too much difficulty. (Although we’re on fairly equal grounds on this)

3. He is allaying guilt because he does want to date or he has already been dating someone else. He does feel guilty about many things.

4. He is trying to get my attention and make me feel jealous?

 

 

What should I do, and what do you guys think?

Thanks, and SO sorry for the long post!!!!!

[Dblock10]

id move one and not wait around, you do your thing let him do his. if it works out it will work out, but dont force it, seems like you have done enough.

 

sounds like he is confused, let him figure it out?

[barese1]

Agreed do your own thing, this is about you not him.

 

Plus I'd say that most good people will not want the ex to know they are dating, just to spare feelings. Nothing more than that in my opinion

[whatdoesntkillyou]

Thanks guys for keeping me on the ground

It's so easy to have false hope at the smallest things. I guess he wouldn't have ended it if it were going that rosy.

 

I guess it just seemed very odd indeed that he kept on saying he wasn't interested in dating people when I have told him to do what he wants. I guess it;d be easier for him to sugarcoat it because I wouldn't know otherwise anyway.

[barese1]

Holding on to false hope is probably the biggest killer when trying to move on. the sooner you let go of this hope, the sooner you won't care if he is dating someone else

[Dblock10]

Thanks guys for keeping me on the ground

It's so easy to have false hope at the smallest things. I guess he wouldn't have ended it if it were going that rosy.

 

I guess it just seemed very odd indeed that he kept on saying he wasn't interested in dating people when I have told him to do what he wants. I guess it;d be easier for him to sugarcoat it because I wouldn't know otherwise anyway.

 

 

yeah basically once hope has gone, your find everything a lot easier to deal with. yeah its odd, but people will say anything to make things seem less harsh and to make them out to be a good person.

[whatdoesntkillyou]

Thanks again.

 

I just don't understand why he kept on emphasising that he wasn't going to date after I told him I didn't care, essentially.

 

What should I do now, maintain the low contact and short responses? I am actually a little ambivalent about him possibly stepping up the communication. On one hand it is good to stay in friendly contact, on the other, I am not sure whether it would stir up old emotions. I am fairly stable but obviously still miss him, but still...

[soccerrprp]

yeah basically once hope has gone, your find everything a lot easier to deal with. yeah its odd, but people will say anything to make things seem less harsh and to make them out to be a good person.

 

man, Dblock10, i dated someone who may fit this kind of behavior...it's so dumb-founding that some people are sooo resistant to offending or sparing someone else's feelings that they would rather resort to lying..

 

anyway, move on...

[Dblock10]

Thanks again.

 

I just don't understand why he kept on emphasising that he wasn't going to date after I told him I didn't care, essentially.

 

What should I do now, maintain the low contact and short responses? I am actually a little ambivalent about him possibly stepping up the communication. On one hand it is good to stay in friendly contact, on the other, I am not sure whether it would stir up old emotions. I am fairly stable but obviously still miss him, but still...

 

its very strange, to me if a girl kept saying that i would like to believe them and it would make me think they are waiting for me on some level. but then you just never know. it sounds more like he is trying to stir you up, or get you to say "i wont date either"

 

you did the right thing by saying you can do what you like, its casual and mature.

 

well its up to you what you do, i dont see harm in keeping lc just be honest with yourself, dont purposely keep the chat short and snappy, just do what you told me in my post, essentially you dont know if you guys will meet up or when you do so it may be a good idea to keep the bridge of communication open at least.

 

i feel the same about staying in friendly chat, its hard and its all there is between me and her now. i dont know if it will last or what will happen. i know nothing will come from it and if it does it will be long into the future, perhaps a year. but yeah im still in the situation you find yourself in, in that im stable but of course i miss her being here

[whatdoesntkillyou]

its very strange, to me if a girl kept saying that i would like to believe them and it would make me think they are waiting for me on some level. but then you just never know. it sounds more like he is trying to stir you up, or get you to say "i wont date either"

 

you did the right thing by saying you can do what you like, its casual and mature.

 

well its up to you what you do, i dont see harm in keeping lc just be honest with yourself, dont purposely keep the chat short and snappy, just do what you told me in my post, essentially you dont know if you guys will meet up or when you do so it may be a good idea to keep the bridge of communication open at least.

 

i feel the same about staying in friendly chat, its hard and its all there is between me and her now. i dont know if it will last or what will happen. i know nothing will come from it and if it does it will be long into the future, perhaps a year. but yeah im still in the situation you find yourself in, in that im stable but of course i miss her being here

 

 

 

Yes, agreed. Well, I certainly wasn't not going to say "I am not ready to date either"! He was the one who wasn't ready for commitment, not I. He'll have to sort his issues out. I love him, I want him, but i don't need him, and I can't put my life on hold for him. And as much as I would like for him to be my long-term partner, I am sorry to say that he is probably replaceable. I don't know why that is a sad realisation for me.

 

Yes, I think for both of us we could to stay in touch with our Exs but need to keep them at arm's length. If they decided to walk away and not realise what they walked away from then there's nothing we can do. If they learned to appreciate it one day, then it's up to them to take action - and hope we haven't already found someone who could give us what they couldn't provide. I think by not being estranged is the most we could do.

 

Getting on with life without them is on the immediate cards I think! So much easier said than done - I tell myself 100 times and it's still very hard! Struggling not to look at his FB profile or message him until he messages. Struggle struggle struggle.

Edited August 12, 2012 by whatdoesntkillyou

[Car10e]

When my ex bf and I broke up a month ago, he told me he didn't want to commit to any relationship at the time, even though we dated for 4 1/2 years. I found he was already talking/seeing someone while we took a short break before actually breaking up. Finding out he was seeing someone so quickly made me so mad. Before he walked away from me for the last time, I told him it's going to break my heart seeing him with another girl. He simply told me I don't want any relationship right now. Yet, the same week we broke up, the girl was already going around telling people my ex bf was her new bf.

 

I know deep down inside he probably wanted to tell me, because its the right thing to do, but then he knew it would hurt me even more. Breaking up alone was bad, but being replaced that quickly hurts so much more.

 

In the end, maybe its good you don't know if he's dating someone. For me, I'm always wondering what he's doing with her. I already know he takes her to the same places we used to go, and it bothers me so much.

 

As for the communication with your ex, my best advice is don't talk to him. If he tries to talk to you, don't reply back. By not talking to him, he might really start to miss you. If your talking to him, he is likely to miss you less. He's going to wonder what you have been up to also.