aevf39 Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 do breaks in relationships work? i have been on a break with my bf for 5.5 weeks now. we agreed it would be 6.. he iniatied it, but we both agreed it would be monogamous. what is the best way to make contact? wait for him to make the first move? should i contact him? if so, call or text? (i know people say breaks a just breakups.. but he said he loved me and sees a future before this break happened, but had a lot going on in his life and the stress i added didnt help with the other stresses in his life)
phineas Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 "break" = "i'm going to take someone else for a test drive while you hang around waiting for me just in case things don't work out" Can you think of one other situation in life where someone can just say "i'm taking a break", walk away to do whatever they want for as long as they want & everyone else is just ok with that? I can't. 2
Emilia Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 (i know people say breaks a just breakups.. but he said he loved me and sees a future before this break happened, but had a lot going on in his life and the stress i added didnt help with the other stresses in his life) Sooooo each time he has stress he will just walk away from you? I'd say let this one go. He is either seeing someone or genuinely has conflict handling issues. Both are bad news.
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 do breaks in relationships work? i have been on a break with my bf for 5.5 weeks now. we agreed it would be 6.. he iniatied it, but we both agreed it would be monogamous. what is the best way to make contact? wait for him to make the first move? should i contact him? if so, call or text? (i know people say breaks a just breakups.. but he said he loved me and sees a future before this break happened, but had a lot going on in his life and the stress i added didnt help with the other stresses in his life) Wait for him to contact you. See what he says, how he proceeds, what he explains and where he wants to go from here. Arrange to pick up your stuff with a friend, and drop his stuff off. That's the way it's going to go, because hell~dammit, you're right. most people say a break = a break-up, because..... guess what.....?
Titanwolf Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Sooooo each time he has stress he will just walk away from you? I'd say let this one go. He is either seeing someone or genuinely has conflict handling issues. Both are bad news. I used to do this with my Ex. she gave me space, gave me time to reflect and come back stronger and she understood that this was necessary for a long-lasting relationship (by our standards). The same went for her and before anyone even says it, no we weren't ****ing anyone else in that time, we weren't even ****ing each other. I understand that in Western society, most people would just use the "break" as an opportunity to do other people, however for some (few) a little solitude makes all the difference.
Emilia Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 I used to do this with my Ex. she gave me space, gave me time to reflect and come back stronger and she understood that this was necessary for a long-lasting relationship (by our standards). The same went for her and before anyone even says it, no we weren't ****ing anyone else in that time, we weren't even ****ing each other. I thought you said somewhere else you never had a sexual relationship with anyone? Apologies if I remember wrong. I understand that in Western society, most people would just use the "break" as an opportunity to do other people, however for some (few) a little solitude makes all the difference. Most of us see it as unfair walking away from someone in conflict. Especially as it tends to be only one of the partners that does this in a recurring basis. It's not just about cheating
Titanwolf Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 I thought you said somewhere else you never had a sexual relationship with anyone? Apologies if I remember wrong. Most of us see it as unfair walking away from someone in conflict. Especially as it tends to be only one of the partners that does this in a recurring basis. It's not just about cheating Yeah that's why I said we weren't even doing each other, because we were/are both still virgins. It's true, it is unfair but that depends on circumstances. In my scenario, it was every once in a while and it was a mutual understanding. However, if this is one sided, I can see how problems would arise as I generally think it's a bad idea to avoid your problems, but if you can find a solution to a problem or relieve stress, better on your own, it would be beneficial for your partner to encourage it and accept them and their renewed spirit when they return.
Emilia Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 but if you can find a solution to a problem or relieve stress, better on your own, it would be beneficial for your partner to encourage it and accept them and their renewed spirit when they return. This is what I disagree with.You need to learn how to deal with it with your being present in the relationship fully. If you ever want to have children you won't be able to just walk out on them from time to time, that would lead to massive abandonment issues on their part. Once you start having sex with someone the stakes get higher too because you experience a different type of bond and sexual jealousy also enters the picture more. 2
thepaddy Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 (edited) in my experience breaks or people suggesting that they need 'space' are never good. they happen for a reason and that reason is that the person who suggested the break is unsure they want to continue the relationship and/or they have decided they want to end it but figure it's easier to do it this sort of gradual way rather than taking the full definite 'we are breaking up' and that's the end of it option. sure, you guys may get back together eventually, but i would be surprised if it lasts. sorry this is probably not what you want to hear, but that's the way i look at it. also, if he is under stress then he should be looking to stay with you and wanting you to give him support. shelter in the storm type of thing. sounds to me like he views your relationship as adding to his stress and that is because he is unsure about continuing the relationship and it is wrecking his head and causing him additional anxiety being in the relationship on top of everything else. Edited August 11, 2012 by thepaddy
Author aevf39 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 i know i was adding stress to the relationship because he was working and very tired and i would complain about not talking enough even though we talked everyday.. i added something that did not need to be there. and the break would officially be over this Tuesday. would it be horrible of me to call him tomorrow and just get this overwith. this grey area is bizarre and i would rather have an answer. but i dont know if that is disrespecting his wishes. it is so close to the end date. also, i dont know why he hasnt tried to contact me....... i thought hed be running back
Author aevf39 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 Titanwolf--WHAT DO YOU THINK MY NEXT MOVE SHOULD BE? waiting or contacting?
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 ... and the break would officially be over this Tuesday. would it be horrible of me to call him tomorrow and just get this overwith. this grey area is bizarre and i would rather have an answer. but i dont know if that is disrespecting his wishes. it is so close to the end date. No - let him call you. he started this break - don't 'invade his space' and pre-empt his actions... that's guaranteed to make him more distant.... But don't be surprised if he doesn't call you immediately - or even the next day.... also, i dont know why he hasnt tried to contact me....... i thought hed be running back if that's what he'd wanted to do he would have done. Sweetheart, brace yourself for the goodbye....
veggirl Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 How long were you together before the break? I would mentally be preparing for a break up. I mean I would actually just break up if my BF really wanted a break, but that is moot for you now. I say call him and ask what he wants. Hopefully he will have a straight answer for you, but I'd expect some pussy-footing around and hem-hawwing. Which would be unacceptable for me. I think before you call him, you need to decide what *exactly* it is you want and what you will accept from him. Once you know that, go for it. 1
Author aevf39 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 we were together for 2.5 years. i know the break sounds silly, but i do think that it helped me work on myself. i guess i will have to wait and see how i feel tomorrow about contacting him. i dont know what to do or what will be best since i am getting mixed feedback, but i dont see how after this long me contacting him will mess things up. let me know if i am just being impatient
Titanwolf Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 (edited) Titanwolf--WHAT DO YOU THINK MY NEXT MOVE SHOULD BE? waiting or contacting? (Going off personal experience here) I'd honestly tell you to wait for him to call you. You respected his desire to have a break and you have honoured the parameters of that break. It's now up to him to re-initiate contact with you, which I'm sure he will. He will respect you more for giving him his space and for having the strength to stick to the guidelines laid out. That's how I felt. Also, I'm almost certain, calling him prematurely won't go down too well. He asked for a certain amount of time, any time before that may cause him to view you as needy or "weak" and that's bound to cause some resentment towards you, despite how minor it may be. Edited August 11, 2012 by Titanwolf 1
veggirl Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Why are you so worried about "what your move is"? Do you think if you make the "wrong" move it will negatively impact him wanting to get back together or something? I mean you want to know where he stands. You agreed on 6 weeks. So ask him.
Author aevf39 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 (Going off personal experience here) I'd honestly tell you to wait for him to call you. You respected his desire to have a break and you have honoured the parameters of that break. It's now up to him to re-initiate contact with you, which I'm sure he will. He will respect you more for giving him his space and for having the strength to stick to the guidelines laid out. That's how I felt. Also, I'm almost certain, calling him prematurely won't go down too well. He asked for a certain amount of time, any time before that may cause him to view you as needy or "weak" and that's bound to cause some resentment towards you, despite how minor it may be. yeah i guess i will wait. it just seems so silly. did you ever end your breaks early with your gf? i thought hed be contacting me by now because he starts work in the middle of next week... waiting beyond the break seems so difficult. you really think he will contact me? im worried he has forgotten all about me and found another chick despite the agreement to be monogamous. and i miss him a lot so i am driving myself crazy lol
Author aevf39 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 Why are you so worried about "what your move is"? Do you think if you make the "wrong" move it will negatively impact him wanting to get back together or something? I mean you want to know where he stands. You agreed on 6 weeks. So ask him. i am worried because i do not know if it is possible to mess this up.. not talking for 6 weeks is so goofy and has been difficult. now that its the end i am getting anxious about when the contact will be. i dont have an opinion about how it would affect him. do you think contacting him is the best idea? and it wont undo the effort i have put in to this?
Titanwolf Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 yeah i guess i will wait. it just seems so silly. did you ever end your breaks early with your gf? i thought hed be contacting me by now because he starts work in the middle of next week... waiting beyond the break seems so difficult. you really think he will contact me? im worried he has forgotten all about me and found another chick despite the agreement to be monogamous. and i miss him a lot so i am driving myself crazy lol I did, because at some point I'd always feel like she'd like having someone close to talk to again. I highly doubt he's just gone and forgotten about you, but in the unlikely event that he has, you've spared yourself pain in the future. Your mind is going into overdrive, so I can only imagine how much you care for this guy, but give it time.
veggirl Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 i am worried because i do not know if it is possible to mess this up.. not talking for 6 weeks is so goofy and has been difficult. now that its the end i am getting anxious about when the contact will be. i dont have an opinion about how it would affect him. do you think contacting him is the best idea? and it wont undo the effort i have put in to this? I think you should contact him so you can get your answer and move on if necessary. It just sounds like this is all about him. What about you? Did you read my other post, I really think you need to figure out your own boundaries before contacting him. I mean he either wants to hear from you or he doesn't. You waiting won't change that, it's been almost 6 weeks. He either wants to be with you or he has moved on. Again, you contacting him won't change that.
Author aevf39 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 thanks TitanWolf.. do you think it weird he hasnt contacted me yet? it is almost the six week mark. he finished his summer job Friday and starts his other one on Wed or Thurs. i feel silly for waiting now because i miss him so much. i was fine during most of the break. but now that the "end" is so close, i am getting very antsy for when/who/how the contact will go
Author aevf39 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 I think you should contact him so you can get your answer and move on if necessary. It just sounds like this is all about him. What about you? Did you read my other post, I really think you need to figure out your own boundaries before contacting him. I mean he either wants to hear from you or he doesn't. You waiting won't change that, it's been almost 6 weeks. He either wants to be with you or he has moved on. Again, you contacting him won't change that. yeah i read it! i agree with getting an answer so i know! i know what i want and how i want to approach the conversation, but i am nervous because some people say to wait! i dont know
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 If you were a stranger reading this thread - what would YOU tell you to do....?
Author aevf39 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 If you were a stranger reading this thread - what would YOU tell you to do....? great question.. i would tell the person to do what they think is best for them because it seems silly that contacting someone a few days early will make or break a relationship, but what TitanWolf is saying makes me nervous. I understand the idea of letting him make the first move.. at this point i dont know if i can keep waiting. ive been patient and understanding. now i just need this answer for myself. i have a lot of other things to worry about and this is always in the forefront of my mind.
Titanwolf Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 thanks TitanWolf.. do you think it weird he hasnt contacted me yet? it is almost the six week mark. he finished his summer job Friday and starts his other one on Wed or Thurs. i feel silly for waiting now because i miss him so much. i was fine during most of the break. but now that the "end" is so close, i am getting very antsy for when/who/how the contact will go Well he is cutting it pretty close, but for all we know he could be counting the days until it would be "acceptable" to contact you again. If he doesn't contact you the day after your break ends, then I'd suggest asking him how he's feeling, to give him a chance to tell you what's on his mind. You'll be able to tell the state he's in from his response. Though I do think he'll contact you before the deadline (feels like we're trying diffuse a bomb here) Edit- I have to apologise if I'm putting you on edge. That's not my intention. 1
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